To not want to pick up 14 year old DD from XH's holiday

[AbbottLeguarda]

Name changed as this is very identifying.

On Sunday, XH took DD (14) and DS's (16 year old twins) to Wales, along with his wife and her 2 daughters (13 and 11) It's the first time they've all gone away together, DD was really excited, it was the boys who were dragging their feet and now 3 days into the trip and the boys are loving it and DD is crying down the phone, asking me to come pick her up.

Her complaints:

No one talks to her, which I'm sure is an exaggeration, their are 6 other people there, but she said that they've all paired off, step siblings go off without inviting her, DSs' tell her to get lost whenever she's near, XH only spent 10 mins playing cards with her when she'd waited half an hour for him to finish up a game with DSs.

The cottage they're staying in has 4 bedrooms, DS's are sharing, step daughters are sharing, DD gets her own room and I think that's just made her feel more lonely. She says everyone stays up really late in their rooms, playing games, talking and she has no one.

I spoke to XH this morning about how she felt and asked if he could spend more time with her but I've just got off the phone with her begging me to come pick her up.

XH spent an hour watching a show with her and then went fishing for the rest of the day, step siblings were playing some hide and seek game with the other kids around and when she asked to play, one of the kids, not either of her step siblings who were I presume hiding at the time, told her that she wouldn't understand the rules, so she went back inside.

DS's are wrapped up in their own lives, I feel awful for her but their's only 3 more days left.

I think I would speak to DS's... Let them know how she feels... Give it another day if no better then go and fetch her...

Your boys need to take her under their wings

I also agree that her big brothers should look after her. Yes, she does need to find her place in the new family and her father is also key.

Can she go off and do something by herself locally? I'm thinking nails/hair done or an outdoor activity if pampering doesn't appeal. If she does something by herself or something more "adult" then maybe it will get her some kudos with the younger girls. Perhaps they'll want to join her next time.

I wouldn't. Absolutely not. As a pp said she's not in danger.
I would seriously review future holidays though. Id provide support but reassure her its only three more days and she could chose whether she wanted to go again.

I think your boys are old enough to be told to show some compassion, out themselves out a bit and try to include dd more. I would be very cross with them if they were telling her to get lost every time she was near them.

My immediate response wouldn't have been to go and get her, no. That doesn't mean you can't sympathise and make a special fuss of her when she gets back ... but it IS only 3 days. She could read a couple of books in that time, go somewhere (safely) by herself, cook something special, learn a new skill from the internet ... yada yada.

I'm not suggesting you would be spoiling her to pick her up or anything like that although maybe I am just ever so slightly

Perhaps its because I'm reading a book called Raising An Optimistic Child at the moment which argues quite convincingly that being resourceful and self-reliant and not always having everything go your way at a young age is one way of avoiding depressive illnesses in late teens and adulthood. Just a thought.

It sounds as though she perhaps feels a little bit on the outside of her brothers' relationship, so she had got herself excited about being "one of the girls"...so finding herself on the outside of her step-siblings relationship as well must feel doubly disappointing.

I would be very tempted to collect her - but it would be better long term if she could hang on to the end. Is there some sort of treat you could offer her if she is brave enough to hang on in there? Afternoon tea somewhere nice, a theatre trip, something special for the two of you?

She has my sympathy but it's not like she's deliberately left out, it's part and parcel of being in a blended family.

I would also go and get her I went on holiday with a very close friend and her family when I was 13 or 14 and was completely miserable. At the time I couldn't even really articulate why. My (divorced!) mum and dad both came and got me and to this day I am so glad they did. Kids don't always have to just tough it out.

I would go and get her in a heartbeat

Knowing my DSs' they'll drag her along to something they enjoy and that she'll hate or stay with her for an hour and say job done. They're nice kid but they're two 16 year olds on holiday.

I've told her to try and do things alone, go see a movie but doing things alone isn't really fun when you're not alone by choice.

I think the best chance I'll have is XH. I'll tell him tonight that she's asked to come home and if she still feels that way tomorrow, then I'll be picking her up.

I think going to get her would undermine your XH completely and as you say he's generally a good Dad, I would leave it to him in this instance. It's only a few more days, perhaps you could work to the twins about being more inclusive in the meantime.

I'm going against the grain here and saying I would not be driving to sodding wales to pick her up. What I would be doing is telling her father to pull his damn finger out and include his daughter and ripping the boys a new one. They are, as a pp said, old enough to be showing their sister some compassion.

I've been on holidays that I want to come home from some not so long ago infact! but I think the feeling of defeat and failure and sadness would be quite scarring.

Obvs I would give up if camping in a flood or similar, but I think it is good to know you can survive less than ideal situations and get through them.

And lesson for next time - let all the girls share a room together.

Speaking from experience as a 14 year old abroad with my Dad and his family, my Mum couldn't come get me as we were abroad. I was having a terrible time and at 35 I still wish I had been able to go home. Different circumstances and different family obviously but life is too short. Please go and get her.

I don't think its about being resourceful & self reliant. I've always been quite happy entertaining myself and can loose days reading a book but it's not pleasant when you're doing it because you know no one else wants to be with you. Three of the four people who should be closest to her have made her feel unwanted. I'm glad you're planning on going so she knows you at least are there for her. It wouldn't matter how good your reasons for not going - at 14, it's just going to feel like another rejection.

It would be nice if the boys took her under their wing but they are teenage boys. The dad and step mum should be sorting this imo as she is in their care.

I would not go and get her. Speak to ex-dh and ds discreetly and encourage more family time together.

Part of me is viewing this from dh/wife's view. would it be seen as interfering if ex-wife comes and takes dd away?

Perhaps its because I'm reading a book called Raising An Optimistic Child at the moment which argues quite convincingly that being resourceful and self-reliant and not always having everything go your way at a young age is one way of avoiding depressive illnesses in late teens and adulthood. Just a thought
Does any child or teenager always get their own way? Seriously book sounds crap. OP she sounds homesick. Homesickness is so overwhelmingly horrible, that every bed time becomes a dread as you know you will be weeping into your pillow, counting the hours till morning. Oh and you do grow out of it, but it needs to be done when the child/ teenager/ young adult is ready, not when people think you should just 'suck it up'
So glad you are going to get her if things don't improve. I also don't think you can expect her bro's to include her if they don't want to, as that will only create resentment on their part. If they want to include her great, but if not, fair enough. By the way, could she not have gone fishing or join in 'boy' activities?

Perspicacia, I think that's a big part of it. she had really big expectations for this trip, doing family things a lot of the time, getting to bond with her new sisters, seeing her dad more and it's turned out to be the complete opposite.

I do think going to pick her up would undermine XH, which I don't want to do, she did sound utterly miserable but then it's only 3 days. As a pp said she's not in danger or harm but she is sad.

I'd phone her Dad and talk it through; you say he's generally very good with her and so rather than driving down give him chance to work it out. Do you and he have the sort of relationship where you can be upfront with him?

Could dad put her on a train?

Sorry but I wouldn't be picking her up myself in your shoes. She's having a shit time but (a) it's not your fault and (b) you don't really know what is going on. Dad needs to sort it out so that she wants to stay, or sort it out so that she can leave.

Agree that her step mother should be trying to include her, but we don't really know that she's not, do we?

Let's be honest here, it could be the case that your dd is being terribly difficult and moody. It's not unheard of in 14 year old girls, love them!

another one here who would go and get her. I wouldn't be so sure that she is exaggerating - it seems perfectly possible that they have all paired off as there's an uneven number and being in a room on her own will not be helping. Kids can be very cruel so I wouldn't underestimate how bad the situation could be. Even if she is exaggerating, you said she was crying. Whether the situation is as bad as she thinks or not, she is feeling dreadfully unhappy and is miles away from home and she has called you for help. Oh and yes, three days is a LONG time to be in any sort of situation which makes you feel like this, especially for a 14 yr old.