To not want to pick up 14 year old DD from XH's holiday

[AbbottLeguarda]

Name changed as this is very identifying.

On Sunday, XH took DD (14) and DS's (16 year old twins) to Wales, along with his wife and her 2 daughters (13 and 11) It's the first time they've all gone away together, DD was really excited, it was the boys who were dragging their feet and now 3 days into the trip and the boys are loving it and DD is crying down the phone, asking me to come pick her up.

Her complaints:

No one talks to her, which I'm sure is an exaggeration, their are 6 other people there, but she said that they've all paired off, step siblings go off without inviting her, DSs' tell her to get lost whenever she's near, XH only spent 10 mins playing cards with her when she'd waited half an hour for him to finish up a game with DSs.

The cottage they're staying in has 4 bedrooms, DS's are sharing, step daughters are sharing, DD gets her own room and I think that's just made her feel more lonely. She says everyone stays up really late in their rooms, playing games, talking and she has no one.

I spoke to XH this morning about how she felt and asked if he could spend more time with her but I've just got off the phone with her begging me to come pick her up.

XH spent an hour watching a show with her and then went fishing for the rest of the day, step siblings were playing some hide and seek game with the other kids around and when she asked to play, one of the kids, not either of her step siblings who were I presume hiding at the time, told her that she wouldn't understand the rules, so she went back inside.

DS's are wrapped up in their own lives, I feel awful for her but their's only 3 more days left.

I don't agree that rescuing is necessarily infantilising in this situation. If she has the means to make her own way home as an adult could (taxi or bus to station, train/coach, drive home), then by all means let her sort it out herself. But at 14 she probably doesn't have the resources of an adult, so should be assisted if she doesn't to have the options an adult would.

Sorry, didn't mean to disappear. I was on the phone to XH and DSs.

XH wasn't surprised she'd phoned, he said he'd watched a show with her in the morning and spoke to her for at least 30 mins, he had a fishing meet up planned long before I spoke to him yesterday and couldn't cancel, he did tell her that he'd get back early so they could do something together and that she didn't look that sad to him.

He left at 12 and was back by four, he tried to speak to her and get her to go for a walk, but she wasn't interested and just kept saying no to everything or shrugging, so he left her to it.

She was quiet at dinner and looked pretty miserable and he felt bad for leaving her as everyone else was talking about their day. He said he'd drag her out of the house tomorrow and spend the day with her, which made me feel better.

DS2 said he'd barely seen her the whole holiday, he and DS1 only return to the cottage for food and she's always there, asking to tag along. So he's not really sure how she's feeling etc.

I did notice that whilst everyone else is still awake, DD's asleep. Which made me feel awful. DS2 promised to watch a DVD/stream a movie with her tomorrow night in the lounge and to drag DS1 along, so hopefully she'll cheer up a bit.

3 days to go...i seriously hope you're not intending on picking her up?

she's old enough to amuse herself.....and if both the girls AND boys are ignoring her - then perhaps she needs to also look at her own behaviour?

Sounds like a typical family holiday to me and a rather self absorbed typical 14yo

Sounds like a typical family holiday to me and a rather self absorbed typical 14yo

Yep. I very specifically remember being this way and it wouldn't have matterred who did what to help - I was happy in my miserableness. The difference today is that I would have had a mobile and a mother on the end of it to whom I could moan! Sometimes, leaving things alone generates its own fix.

Unless there's a whole heap of other shit going on, leave her be, make the right noises (or wrong ones) and keep a watchful eye in the next few months to see whether she has a point. But I suspect she's being a drama queen, as is the wont of a 14 year old!

At her age I was listening to a lot of The Smiths. My family were perfectly pleasant but, boy oh boy, did I enjoy a good wallow.

I am also reminded of my mother's tendency to raise an eyebrow while humming "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me. Think I'll go and eat worms"

It sounds like a very, very shit holiday. What kind of a parent leaves a 14 year old completely alone on holiday??? And your DSS' sound very mean, not just your typical 16 year olds. I feel really sorry for the girl. That being said, I do agree there's no need to get her, she's safe and you don't want to over-step your mark. If I were DD, I would absolutely refuse to holiday again with such a crappy parent and his crappy new step- family.

I wouldn't pick her up but I would make it very clear to her Dad how left out she's feeling and urge him to spend more time with her and to perhaps find something all the kids can do together to help DD and stepsiblings bond.

And to everyone who says it sounds like a typical holiday - it really doesn't! I have never been on or heard of anyone going on holiday with 6 other family members and for those family members to leave one of the kids alone by themselves and exclude them from the other kids' activities. That just doesn't happen. The dad is being spectacularly useless here.

She's not being abused, she's not in danger, she's just slightly out of place in that family dynamic right now. You've been very on the ball, and your ex and ds's are aware and want to help her. She'll be fine.

Or she'll choose to sulk as countless other teens have before her, but she'll still be fine!

I feel so sorry for your poor DD! It's one thing to spend 3 days in your own company when it's by choice, but when you're alone because nobody is interested in spending time with you it can feel like forever.

I'm not surprised she responded to XH with shrugs and disinterest- she was answering apathy with apathy as she'd already spent most of the day feeling rejected and like nobody gives a toss about her. She probably wanted him to try a bit harder, to demonstrate that he really wanted to spend quality time with her. Instead it seems like he gave up pretty quickly.
It's a shit situation she's in. On the one side there are her older DBs who are twins and have their own unique dynamic, on the other side there are her DSSs who she may not be especially close to (yet, depending on how long XH and his wife have been together) or at least not as close as they are with each other. So she's just left out on her own.
That being said, I don't know if I'd go and get her. It's not your DSs responsibility to take care of her but it looks as though your XH really took his eye off the ball. He needs to make extra special effort now.

I get why you havnt collected her but think her Dad is being a bit mmof a dick. He's taken three of his kids on holiday and has seemingly planned no family time. DSs are okd enough to entertain themselves but since when did family holidays become about all going and doing their own thing??

Presumably step mom is doing stuff with her 11 and 13 yo or are they expected to entertain themselves too?

Both the adults should be making the effort to bring the fanily together, not expect the kids to bugger off whilst they make their own fun!

Well Op I think you have done well getting to the bottom of things but I agree with Lotsofshoes it sounds like a shit holiday and not a typial family holiday. Your ex had not anticipated things not going well and doesn't seem well placed to change things.

Your sons also soound quite not clued up...

"DS2 said he'd barely seen her the whole holiday, he and DS1 only return to the cottage for food and she's always there, asking to tag along. So he's not really sure how she's feeling etc."

I think I would translate that as a bit of, we haven't seen her and don't care, we are having fun. When we do see her she asks to join us, which means she must be very board but we just leave her to it. Very poor.

It sounds fairly rubbish to me. I feel holidays are about planning activities for everyone to do together. This sounds as if other people are doing things (not sure what the 11 and 13 year olds have been doing) and it just happens that everyone's staying in the same house.

I'd get her. There seems to be an attitude on Mumsnet that children should be coping with everything from a young age with very little parental input but that wouldn't sit right with me.

OP you know your DD.

My teenage daughter is not one to " cry wolf". She is not a winger or a moaner, she has a happy upbeat outlook, tries her best to get along with everyone, is emotionally quite self sufficient and always tries to make the best of every situation.

If she was crying on the phone like this and " begging" to be picked up I would be out the house within the hour to fetch her.

for me, i would assume a family holiday would mean doing some things as a family - not all day every day, obviously! - whereas this seems to be more people going off doing things separately.

i do agree with the poster who says please don't discount the feelings of a 14 yr old. (Not that op is discounting them at all!). Their feelings are as important to them as our feelings are to us (ie very)! I also am uneasy with suggestions that maybe it's her fault, or at least because of her behaviour, that others are excluding her - it's possible of course, but it's equally possible that the other dc just aren't interested in being with her, through no fault of hers. It is now up to the adults on the holiday to try to do some things together and bring them together.
Op i hope your dd has a good day with her dad today. It must be so difficult for you to know your dd is miserable. I have No advice on whether to get her because that is obviously complicated and only you can judge the wider impact on future relations with xh and family, but you are obviously v caring, and trying to look after dd's interests!

and only you can judge the wider impact on future relations with xh and family,

And of course the future relationship between the OP and her DD.

I was wondering why people weren't asking why her own father wasn't making sure she was left out!

I don't see it as the responsibility of any of the other kids, although I also don't think that they should be deliberately excluding her.

Also, has she been into others rooms to play games with them at night, & why did she give up when the other kid said that she wouldn't understand their game?

For the poster who suggested this is " character forming"- don't forget the wider issues here.

This is not just about this girl being on holiday with some auntie and cousins that she doesn't like much, this is about her real and immediate closest family.
She has gone through a family break up. She is trying to navigate through the impact and new roles that everyone is taking. Hard enough for an adult, never mind a child.
She is possibly struggling with feelings of guilt, jealousy, anger, confusion, hurt. Feeling rejected in a new mixed up family with a father who doesn't seem very sensitive to this.

This is more than just a teenager bored on holiday. She is turning to her mother who isn't listening to her either.
I feel sorry for this girl.

I'd have picked her up by now. They're clearly not doing things as a family and it's natural for the two sets to pair up and do their own thing which means your DD is isolated and feeling very lonely and homesick.
Rather than worry about XH's relationship with your DD I suggest you worry about your own relationship with her. She's reaching out to you for help as she's so miserable and you're as good as telling her 'tough but get on with it cos I'm not coming to get you'.

Yes, that is a very good point user.

It is tricky - in a way the age 16 dss are entitled to their autonomy and not to have to take dd with them when they go out. And ime it can be very difficult to join a close pair of sisters at that age - some are very open to others when they are together, but not all are. I don't think that there is any suggestion that dd hasn't tried to be included - op says she was really looking forward to bonding with them.
It will be such a shame if as a result of this, dd doesn't want to go away with them again. Op, could you arrange for dd and the dsises to get together one weekend in term time - or do they do that anyway when dd is seeing xh? Potentially they could be lovely friends for dd, and she is obviously keen, but it looks as though it is going to take some parental input.

It sounds a weird holiday to me.we have DC similar ages and we all go out togethef somewhere , or do an activity together each day

She'll remember whatever the outcome is; if you go and get her she's more likely to trust you with important/scary stuff in the future as she'll know ylu can be relied upon.

wriggler I completely agree.