To not want to pick up 14 year old DD from XH's holiday

[AbbottLeguarda]

Name changed as this is very identifying.

On Sunday, XH took DD (14) and DS's (16 year old twins) to Wales, along with his wife and her 2 daughters (13 and 11) It's the first time they've all gone away together, DD was really excited, it was the boys who were dragging their feet and now 3 days into the trip and the boys are loving it and DD is crying down the phone, asking me to come pick her up.

Her complaints:

No one talks to her, which I'm sure is an exaggeration, their are 6 other people there, but she said that they've all paired off, step siblings go off without inviting her, DSs' tell her to get lost whenever she's near, XH only spent 10 mins playing cards with her when she'd waited half an hour for him to finish up a game with DSs.

The cottage they're staying in has 4 bedrooms, DS's are sharing, step daughters are sharing, DD gets her own room and I think that's just made her feel more lonely. She says everyone stays up really late in their rooms, playing games, talking and she has no one.

I spoke to XH this morning about how she felt and asked if he could spend more time with her but I've just got off the phone with her begging me to come pick her up.

XH spent an hour watching a show with her and then went fishing for the rest of the day, step siblings were playing some hide and seek game with the other kids around and when she asked to play, one of the kids, not either of her step siblings who were I presume hiding at the time, told her that she wouldn't understand the rules, so she went back inside.

DS's are wrapped up in their own lives, I feel awful for her but their's only 3 more days left.

EXH went fishing for the whole day? Why didn't he take her with him?
Sounds like he's being a crap dad.

Tatty yes there may be an element of that as well in this case - in which case all the more need to try to 'engineer' some fun, and also try to foster friendships between the three girls on this holiday. 14 is not an easy age - they can do with some help!

You sound as though you were a very kind dsm, btw!

EXH went fishing for the whole day? Why didn't he take her with him?
Sounds like he's being a crap dad.

Good point. Although I can't imagine going fishing is on the agenda of a 14 year old's holiday. Now that is boring and I'd be complaining and I'm 48!

I think it's generally a really tricky age and given the dynamics is doubly difficult. I'd say that perhaps DF needs to book a holiday villa with a pool and a friend for DD and throw a few coins in the pool to rescue then keep, as entertainment. Worked for me... for h o u r s.

I'd get XH to stick her on a train that gets her at least part of the way back.

It's important to learn at some point that you can stop doing something you dislike and that you can make the call. It is empowering because then when you see things through even if they are tough, you know it is by choice rather than other people controlling you. Obviously this lesson isn't as important for a child who regularly ducks out of stuff and lacks perseverance.

Ireallydontseewhy thank you Although I'm at the other side of it now and have hindsight and I think I know what I did wrong and right!

It's hard for all parties and a little bit of understanding, kindness and tough love is the only way forward, I think. One person can't fix everything and life is tough sometimes but as long as love comes from someone, somewhere then we'll all be okay.

I think this sort of thing is character forming. This is one of those 'teaching moments', your time to shine as a parent. Don't pick her up! Give her sympathy, sure, but talk her through what she wants to do to resolve the situation. By jumping to her rescue you're inadvertantly encouraging her to mope and whine, and to use you as a crutch. It's three days. If she's bored she can go out and find her own things to do. It's called creativity and resilience - both are essential traits in the modern world.

Aren't 14yr olds allowed to use their parents as crutches? My DC certainly did when they were 14, and still do in their late teens, but it's getting less and less required as they mature. Was I supposed to cut off emotional support when they hit their teens?

Emotional support means listening, providing an ear, and helping her to find her own solutions.

It doesn't mean coming to the rescue.

Rescuing isn't emotional support. It's infantalising.

But a 14 year old does not have the control or authority to fully find her own solutions.
If I was on holiday with a group of people where I was feeling unwelcome and overlooked and my host was not interested I would probably jump in my car and go home.
Not an option open to this girl, that's all she really wants.

Character comes from within, from how we deal with difficult situations, not simply from having difficult situations.

Helping her find her own solutions to problems she had no part in causing and that make her unhappy? Hardly seems fair...

Rescuing isn't emotional support. It's infantalising.

This. Totally.

If you want a child who isn't capable at ...I don't know.. 22, 23, 27 ... 30? then keep rescuing. Otherwise make a judgement call on what's acceptable. Being a bit miserable for a few days on holiday with your dad isn't a 'rescue' situation, is it? We don't know what else is going on and it may be that that's the right thing to do, but it doesn't sound like it.

What did people do before mobile phones and the Internet?! We endured and that's not always a bad thing. You can't make the other kids include her - she has to work out how to make them do that for herself, or not, albeit you can have a word with them to point some stuff out (because that's also a life lesson for them). But that's life. It's a bit shit sometimes, whether you're on holiday or not.

Also undermining the other parent can be very damaging for the child.

I think that is definitely the case where the Dad is generally good, as we are told is the case here, even if he is possibly getting it wrong this week. We don't even know for sure that he is getting it wrong - the situation doesn't sounds so bad!

Helping her find her own solutions to problems she had no part in causing and that make her unhappy? Hardly seems fair...

So, you've never been in that situation then? And as an adult, do you think that you'd have been better equipped to have learned that along the way, or do you think that it's ok for a ... say.... 40 or 50 year old to rely on other people to rescue them? Because that's what you're suggesting is ok.

Life is about learning and some learn earlier than others because they have to. It doesn't mean that they will be a complete sap as an adult because of it.

I think you are making the right decision OP.

I was a teenage girl who thought I was left out of everything, at that age I would cry all the time because I felt left out. Looking back I really wasn't. I don't know if that is the case with your daughter or not obviously.

I remember wanting to pick up my son once when he was away with his dad because he was feeling anxious and kept calling and crying. My ex was not happy that I would even ask as it was his time with them and he was capable of dealing with it. It was really hard not to go get him but you just can't go pick up a child when it is their father's time just because she is bored of the holiday and feels left out.

It's three days, she will cope. She is 14, not 4.

I am firmly in the "don't pick her up" camp. Her father needs to step up here. And she will learn independence and self-sufficiency.

Being bored is not the worst thing in the world.

40-50 year olds mostly have had some say in the situations they land in. 14yr olds of divorced parents don't seem to. I'm sure if this girl was 30 and miserable on holiday with her Dad and his family, she would just come home and her solution would be found. At her age, she relies on a parent to help her to do this and neither of her parents will because of the delicacy of their relationship. Not fair.

I would not pick her up.

I would also cut short the "woe is me" telephone calls.

I am hard as nails though

She is not an adult, she is a child. Maybe leaving her there will work wonders and she will find a great solution, new friends, amazing skills, all in three days. Or maybe she will make a mental note not to ever go away with dad again because the holiday was so shit. Or maybe she will just come back and moan about it.

She isn't an adult and the idea that helping a child of 14 will somehow make her incapable at 22 or 23 or 27 of doing things for herself is rubbish.

I have read the thread but I am not sure what her dad said about this when you spoke to him, AbbottLeguarda can you tell us roughly?

Without hesitation pick her up. I am doing the same tomorrow for my DD staying at her grandparents (who, it turns out, are crap with kids!

I'd give your twin DS-es a row for being so unkind to their sister - they're old enough to know better

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread. I would give the situation 24 hours and if things haven't improved in that time I would go and get her. It really is down to your ex to try and ensure that she is incorporated into his blended family but your Twins can pull their finger out and make sure that she's included.

Please don't discount your child's feelings.

Asides from the niceties of treading on toes, when she said she was in the cottage all day alone after her dad went fishing, did she mean completely alone? If so, I think I'd pick up. That's shit for a 14 year old on holiday and I'd find that pretty unacceptable tbh.

I wouldn't pick her up.. She's 14 and old enough to find a solution to her own boredom on holiday. If she wants to complain tell her to moan to her dad.