To not want to pick up 14 year old DD from XH's holiday

[AbbottLeguarda]

Name changed as this is very identifying.

On Sunday, XH took DD (14) and DS's (16 year old twins) to Wales, along with his wife and her 2 daughters (13 and 11) It's the first time they've all gone away together, DD was really excited, it was the boys who were dragging their feet and now 3 days into the trip and the boys are loving it and DD is crying down the phone, asking me to come pick her up.

Her complaints:

No one talks to her, which I'm sure is an exaggeration, their are 6 other people there, but she said that they've all paired off, step siblings go off without inviting her, DSs' tell her to get lost whenever she's near, XH only spent 10 mins playing cards with her when she'd waited half an hour for him to finish up a game with DSs.

The cottage they're staying in has 4 bedrooms, DS's are sharing, step daughters are sharing, DD gets her own room and I think that's just made her feel more lonely. She says everyone stays up really late in their rooms, playing games, talking and she has no one.

I spoke to XH this morning about how she felt and asked if he could spend more time with her but I've just got off the phone with her begging me to come pick her up.

XH spent an hour watching a show with her and then went fishing for the rest of the day, step siblings were playing some hide and seek game with the other kids around and when she asked to play, one of the kids, not either of her step siblings who were I presume hiding at the time, told her that she wouldn't understand the rules, so she went back inside.

DS's are wrapped up in their own lives, I feel awful for her but their's only 3 more days left.

Diddl i think if i asked to join a game and was told i wouldn't understand the rules i'd interpret that as 'go away we don't want you' - as that's what it is! Lots of 14 yr olds, and indeed many adults, would not have the confidence or the desire to persevere in the face of that, i think.

Op have there been 'successful' holidays with this group of people before, that dd has enjoyed? That might give xh and dsm ideas as to how the next one might go better for dd.

It sounds to me that it isn't a holiday as such. More a visit to a family cottage or something instead - no planned activities as a family group, dad having planned own activities with presumably friends, step mum gardening (I've never gardened on holiday! And don't know any 14y who'd find gardening great as another poster suggested) and other kids paired off out with local friends every day, all day.

Suggestions for spending her time on her own - what kind of holiday is that for a child???

I also think those posters suggesting she should just get on with in and force herself in - how hard is that for a 14yo child who is already feeling left out!!

And the others are not ebbing very kind anyway - she's been told no when she tried to ask to join in by both her brothers and her step sisters. No to going with brothers. No to playing hide and seek with step siblings.

As I suspected after the ops most recent post the girl is over egging it. She's been left alone for 4 hours then refused to do anything with her dad when he got back from a long standing commitment. She's just being a stroppy 14 year old and trying to play her parents off against each other. This isn't a crisis where she "needs to know her mum will be there for her". You know like actually being in some sort of danger. You do know most 14 year old are quite capable of manipulating people?

And this is absolutely nothing against your daughter op but I don't think you really need to worry about how this might affect your relationship years down the line because you don't feel you should rescue her from her boredom which it sounds in part is self inflicted. Yeah everyone else should be making an effort with her but when her dad tried she chose to sulk instead. If she bucked up a bit she might actually start to enjoy herself.

" i'd interpret that as 'go away we don't want you' "

I can see that, although I wouldn't accept that from just the one person when my brothers & step sisters were included, but that's easier said than done at 14!

Seems there haven't been many outings/activities for everyone & as a pp has said, they have split down into convenient groups.

There is far too much hysteria on this thread.

She is fourteen, not four. She has another three days, not a year or two. And she is with her father, is not in danger and not being abused.

For all the posters laying the emotional guilt on the OP "this is what she'll remember, she's reaching out to you and if you don't go and get her this will harm your relationship/this is what she will remember," get a bloody grip.

The girl is with her father by her own free choice. She is fourteen, hormonal, and while likely some of it is upset, more likely some of it is also a fourteen year old knowing which buttons to push because she's not getting her own way.

She has two parents. It is not for one parent to unanimously decide where and when this girl goes just because she isn't getting her own way this time. If the OP goes and gets her what happens when she has an argument with her and she rings her dad to come and fetch her? Would that be ok too? No didn't think so.

If a fourteen year old was having a crap time on holiday with her parents would it be ok to text her grandparents or the parents of a friend to come and get her? No didn't think so.

When she comes back she can then make decisions about future holidays. But she decided about this one and now she has to own that decision.

Three days people. Three days.

Can you and DD do something together long distance - solve a mystery, do a quiz, write a dramatic story in bits and email the latest part to each other to continue? Watch some kind of soapy programme and discuss? (DDad and I used to watch Desperate Housewives and speculate on what would happen next). Make use of the technology that we have, to do something creative and just for her.

At 12 I might pick her up but not at 14. It's her father's responsibility to sort her out but if he can't she won't come to any harm.
If her own father can't sort her out then he should put her on a train - i went on trains and planes by myself (including changes!) from age 12.

There is no way I would go to collect her.

This is the first family holiday with the new stepmother and sibs, so not easy on anyone, but its up to her dad and herself to sort it out. And he is sorting it out - he's taking her out today. She should also be encouraged to think about how she could improve the situation for herself - this could be a really valuable lesson for life.

Then its only 1 more day. If the worst comes to the worst her dad could presumably put her on a train or drive her back. Otherwise the message is that mum will sort everything out because dad is incapable.

And to be honest it doesn't sound too awful to me - she has her own room, and people have clearly tried to involve her. It's not as if shes being forced to share or being left to babysit younger step-sibs and do all the chores.

Btw surely a day out to some nearby attraction for everyone would be a good call in this situation surely?

I totally agree, wannabe

It sounds like some of the respondents here have never 1) had a family holiday and 2) had a 14yo daughter

Your exH sounds rubbish - he knows his dd is lonely, bored and miserable but still goes out for the afternoon knowing she's got nothing to do and no one to do it with? This doesn't sound like a holiday, this sounds like a week spent alone and expected to entertain herself, not bother the adults who have plans, but in a location without her own stuff or friends to do that with- if she's just got to entertain herself for a week, hardly surprising she's rather do that at home.

I don't think you should get her, it's exH's time, but most importantly, I can't see her agreeing to go next year, so this way it's clearly not you undermining their relationship, it's your exH who's not put much effort in causing the problem. Be prepared for her to be reluctant to spend time with him for a while.

Haven't read all eight pages so apologies if this has been addressed but wtf? with regard to attitudes to sleeping arrangements. She has a room to herself - the mn gold standard of step family life.

Someone suggested she should have been given a blow up bed in the step sisters room? Yup, I can see that aibu now, and nobody would agree it was fair.

I moaned continuously on holiday at that age still do and whstever concessions made to me were met with 'yeah but'.

I really wouldn't go and fetch her. It's not setting a great precedent is it.

Totally agree that picking her up is ridiculous. She is doubtless over reacting and is manipulating situation. Her father won't be impressed if you pick her up and if she did this with you I am sure you wouldn't be either. She has three days left and needs to make the most of it. Trust your own initial instinct OP whivh was to leave her there.

Completely agree Wannabe. The "your dd won't forgive you for this" messages on this thread are fucking unpleasant.

Ignore my question about whether they've had successful holidays in the past in this group - just reread the op and seen it is the first time!

The xh and dsm may have made the classic mistake of thinking the young ones will all automatically entertain each other, whereas in real life this sometimes needs assistance. Even if they get on well usually, holiday dynamics are different. In retrospect more organised activities might have been a good idea. I am also not above having firm words with (my) dc telling them they must include others who are being left out - i know you can't make people be friends, but you can encourage them to be friendly, which is different.
Diddl you're right i think, it is easier said than done to 'force' yourself on people who don't seem particularly to want you around!

It is interesting the different views people have of 14 yr olds. I would actually have more sympathy for a 14 yr old than for an adult in a similar position, because they have less control over the situation. As an adult i could just say 'i'm off', and probably would! (After making reasonable efforts to be included of course, as dd has).

I agree with wannabe. And I would be having stern words with her siblings, threatening an internet ban for 10 years unless they bucked up their ideas and included her a bit more.

I wouldn't pick her up.
I would ring her dad and explain how upset she is, but he is also her parent and you do have to trust his parenting skills.

14 is a difficult age and she may just be dramatic and hormonal or she may be manipulating things. She probably is just left out and lonely which is sad but I do think these things make us resilient and stronger. ( one of my children gets left out and I encourage her to keep reaching out)

We can't always run and catch our children when they fall. I would be offering support and love and understanding. ( I would suggest to ex that he pop her on a train if he couldn't resolve it, but I'd leave that decision to him)

Totally agree wannabe. I was a miserable 14-year-old once, who had to go on a two-week holiday with my dad and stepmum (and four siblings/steps) every single summer. Did I want to go? Hell no! Would I have liked to have a mobile phone so I could call my mum? Hell yeah! Would I have moaned and cried down the phone to my mum and probably made myself feel worse and her feel wretchedly guilty? Yes, probably.

You've done what you can, but this is your XH's time with his kids and its up to him and your DD to learn to rub along and find some way to spend quality time together. You really shouldn't interfere beyond that and you most certainly shouldn't turn up, threaten to turn up or tell your DD that you'll 'come and get her'. If you do, you'll really rupture your relationship with your ex, which sounds quite amicable, but worse than that you'll probably ruin your DD's relationship with her DF. If my mum had pitched up to take me home on a holiday with my dad I can imagine that it would've had a terrible effect on my relationship with him. He'd have felt humiliated, upset, undermined and betrayed by me for telling tales and bailing out.

Sticking with things, making the best of them, thinking creatively about how to get through something that's hard and trying to have a good time anyway are vital life skills. Your DD needs to learn to stop whining to you and get on with things. No one is abusing her, no one is neglecting her, she's on holiday with her family and she's failing to get on with it. That's all.

I don't think she is doubtless overreacting and manipulating as one pp has said - she may be, she may not. Not all 14 year olds do!

I agree with 'make the best of it' being a very useful skill to learn. But I'd be concerned that unless the holiday dynamic changes in the next 2 days, dd won't want to go again, and that will be detrimental to her relationship with her df, dsm and dstepsibs.
(Qualifications to post - I have been on many family holidays and had a 14 yr old dd! In any case even if they haven't had a 14 yr old dd most posters here will have been a 14 yr old girl - not all, I admit.)

She is lucky to have a holiday

No I would not pick her up

Gosh, I'm genuinely surprised at the majority of comments encouraging the OP to collect her DD. There is no way I'd collect her or interfere in any way. I've got a teenager and am also a step parent and have been through the teenage years.

She's 14, bored, and sounds like she's feeling sorry for herself. She also sounds like she's waiting to everyone to make a fuss of her. Perhaps she could suggest something to her dad that she'd like to do, either with him or everyone.

I wouldn't be too mad with your DSs either, it's their holiday too and they shouldn't be made to feel guilty for enjoying it. Your DD is not their responsibility.

From your post explaining the conversation with your ExDH, I think he sounds like a good dad trying to enjoy his holiday and please his kids.

I'd try and keep the contact with your DD to a minimum and encourage her to try and get involved. It's only another 3 days. When she gets home, I'd have a conversation with her about why you wouldn't collect her - all the reasons you have stated above.

I wouldn't collect under the circumstances described - IMO it would only emphasise her current lack of place in the blended family and would make establishing relationships harder down the line. It's just a few days - she'll manage.

I also suggest that she may look back on this not as 'Mum didn't support me' but 'Mum, remember when you didn't cross the country to pick me up when I was bored? I get it now.'

OP you have definitely done the right thing. Her expectations were way too high and the fact that XH gave her loads of options after fishing that she turned down proves she's just being a moody mare. Nothing stopping her making friends in the village like her brothers did right? Stay strong, and support her to make the best of the situation.

she's just bored
she'll be ok
it's not 3 weeks, just 3 days.

ps stop listening to her whinging. ignore her next call. you're undermining your exh. she needs to get on with it.