To not want to pick up 14 year old DD from XH's holiday

[AbbottLeguarda]

Name changed as this is very identifying.

On Sunday, XH took DD (14) and DS's (16 year old twins) to Wales, along with his wife and her 2 daughters (13 and 11) It's the first time they've all gone away together, DD was really excited, it was the boys who were dragging their feet and now 3 days into the trip and the boys are loving it and DD is crying down the phone, asking me to come pick her up.

Her complaints:

No one talks to her, which I'm sure is an exaggeration, their are 6 other people there, but she said that they've all paired off, step siblings go off without inviting her, DSs' tell her to get lost whenever she's near, XH only spent 10 mins playing cards with her when she'd waited half an hour for him to finish up a game with DSs.

The cottage they're staying in has 4 bedrooms, DS's are sharing, step daughters are sharing, DD gets her own room and I think that's just made her feel more lonely. She says everyone stays up really late in their rooms, playing games, talking and she has no one.

I spoke to XH this morning about how she felt and asked if he could spend more time with her but I've just got off the phone with her begging me to come pick her up.

XH spent an hour watching a show with her and then went fishing for the rest of the day, step siblings were playing some hide and seek game with the other kids around and when she asked to play, one of the kids, not either of her step siblings who were I presume hiding at the time, told her that she wouldn't understand the rules, so she went back inside.

DS's are wrapped up in their own lives, I feel awful for her but their's only 3 more days left.

Actually - could her dad help her shift her mattress into the girls' room for the last couple of nights - then all the girls could use the empty room as a "dressing room"?

Sagethyme, I don't think she was invited. DSs' certainty don't invite her and XH announced he was going, he didn't ask, although she didn't ask to go either

228, I would absolutely hate for XH to show up or even threaten to show up and take any of the DCs. Which is why I never seriously considered going to get her until now

Ask XH to make something up, so she has to share with the girl's, maybe a broken window lock. Hopefully they'd make her feel included then?

I would go an get her in a heartbeat, it may be her Dad's week but you're her Mum every week.

I know this will be contentious, but I really feel for the girl. There are a lot posters saying that she just has to get used to this family dynamic, but she isn't responsible for any of this. It's an awkward situation - being on a 'family' holiday with your Dad and his 2nd family, people who she in an enforced relationship with and who have their own sibling relationships that she isn't part of. It certainly isn't a situation she has any control over and she doesn't fit into. Poor kid, I would have wanted to come home in her situation too.

I wouldn't go and get her because I'd be worried about so blatantly undermining dh, about how dd and dh would sort out her getting you to fetch her and leave his time with her, and because I'd worry about putting dd in a difficult situation to go back to them for her next visit having 'walked out' of their holiday as it were. But I'd still sit at home chewing my fingernails, worrying about her and hating that she was unhappy, and I agree this is going to be a miserable experience she is going to have a hard time forgetting. This has to be horrible for you OP.

I would be tearing a strip off her brothers and her step sisters, I'd expect kids of six and seven to know not to leave someone out and make them unhappy, never mind teenagers. And I would be saying to dh with all respect and sincerity, unless he does something urgent quick does he think she will ever agree to go on holiday with him again? And that she's at an age where if she decides she's unwelcome in his home and his blended family and isn't happy there, she will stop visiting, it's her choice now. If she doesn't want to and it's a miserable experience, why should she? He needs to do something quick. Also agree where is stepmum in all this?

I wouldn't go pick her up. She needs to deal with this new reality. 3 days reading won't kill her

(Not implying in any way you should or could talk to her step sisters, just that I'd like to!)

She can't learn to find her place in her large extended family if they're all declining to include her though. (If they are, that is - obviously if you asked dss and the dstepsiblings they might have a different take!).

And some dsises can be very close - I can easily imagine that they might not include dd in everything if they don't know her well and haven't been on holiday with her before - not to be intentionally unwelcoming but just because they are an 11 and 13 yr old.

Great shame. I, like another pp, would be telling dss in no uncertain terms that they are to be nice to dd - 16 is by no means too young to look after a younger person.

Right tell your Xh to invite her along, he probably thinks she wouldn't enjoy it, hence not inviting her! But if she is feeling sad, and lonely, she may not feel she can ask to come. And to be fair she shouldn't need to ask, she should be invited along. No wonder she's feeling lonely! I'm not sure about getting her to share with the other girls, that may cause resentment too? Does she normally get on well with the other girls?
If she's wretched tomorrow afternoon or eve when you talk to her, and you can't face a drive on bank holiday weekend, then get your Xh to put her on a train. Even twenty four hours of misery can feel like a life time!

He's basically a good dad, he can find a way, but do be clear with him that she's seriously upset. There's still plenty of time to turn this around even if it involves cheesy family board games contests or water pistol battles in the garden with teams allocated by lot (rigged if necessary). Presumably she has the same problem that the twins spend time together and have more in common at home?

I think a lot of the people saying 'go get her' aren't doing thinking about the fact that it's your ex's week to have her and this could soil an otherwise amicable relationship.

I would be beyond fuming if my ex turned up to collect our daughter from a holiday during her time with me.

Whilst I agree that this is awful for her, she is 14 not 7. Talk to her again and sympathise, give her ideas and just chat generally. Tell her that you're there whenever she wants to phone you and talk about things you can do when she gets back. Ask her to think if a few things she might like to do with you when the holiday is over to give her something nice to look forward to/ focus on.
A sympathetic ear might just do the trick. Tell her that you know she's lonely & bored but suggest she reads/watches films to pass the time & not to worry. She must be really disappointed.
As for picking her up, I wouldn't make that decision. It's only for a few days. Your Ex needs a phone call/ text though. Tell him she's asked you to come and ask him what he wants you to do! Put the ball in his court.

'Soil'? gross. I mean spoil.

I would be also be incandescent if XH pulled rank on me like that. If, after extensive discussion and he's tried everything he can think of he agrees that she should go home then maybe....

But who knows with teenagers. It's entirely possible that she's got PMT and she'll bounce out of bed full of the joys of spring tomorrow (after asking to cadge sanpro from step mum).

although my heart would have me on the M4 in lightening speed my head would keep me at home.

Not only the undermining thing (and it's very refreshing to read a sensible co parent) but because you've only heard DD version.

Sleeping arrangements sound un thought out - but can be sorted.
It wasn't her step sisters leaving her out - maybe DD could benefit from learning how to include herself?
I'd give your DD advise on how to mix. If this wasn't dad and step mum she'd have to do it. I remember a horrific holiday where my sister was more than a bitch than usual - but I did learn from it despite hating it at the time.

Step mum sounds nice, I think she's just enjoying her holiday, the same as everyone else, she did ask DD if she wanted to garden with her yesterday afternoon and DD did but she said it wasn't very fun and she stopped after 30 mins.

I don't think anyone's intentionally excluding her, it's just that everyone already has a pair and tends to forget that she's there or are happy to do things alone.

I will seriously talk to XH, make it clear how miserable she is and that I don't want to come pick her up but I can't leave her that lonely and sad, so he'd better start making sure DDs enjoying herself and that suddenly her room isn't fit to sleep in so oh no she'll have to share with the other girls.

I don't think many of you realise how pointless talking to a 16 year old can be, I can yell and shout and make them feel bad, they'll put in effort for half a second and then forget everything I said or resent that I'm taking away their holiday time to babysit their miserable sister.

I agree with Blue Folly. It's only a week. I wouldn't have been happy if my husband's ex had turned up to pick up his kids part way through a holiday away and wouldn't pick up my kids if with their dad ulsee they were being abused.
I would express concern to your ex about his daughter feeling excluded although a holiday with 2 girls who are sister that it sounds as though she hardly knows and older twin brothers was maybe always going to have her feeling the odd one out.
She doesn't have to go next time.

I agree with Nickifury I think it makes sense... "To be honest I think leaving her there would only set her further against learning to fit into the family group. Such negative associations. If you don't let it drag on and cement the upset and resentment she may be more inclined to try again in the future for shorter periods of time."

can you speak to your boys and see what is going on from their perspective?

Is the step mum nice, could you talk to her or would she get defensive?

Can you talk to your exdh and find out more, say that she has told you clearly that she is miserable and negotiate together that you will come get her early?

If there are only three more says than being picked up two days early would not be such a big deal, would it.

Just because it is 'his' week, he doesn't seem too bothered about making the holiday enjoyable for her. It does't sound much fun at all. It's the sort of holiday that could be great fun with great company but it sounds like she is not in great company.

Plus, assuming he does not allow you to go and get her then he comes off badly - in that he has provided this holiday where she feels miserable, left out and home sick, he hasn't addressed this issue and now is making her stay there.

Squishing all 3 in one room doesn't sound like a solution. Having bedrooms just for sleeping in sounds better

Some people would say that having her own room was hitting the jackpot. I'd be more concerned if she was forced to share.

She is a teenager - it's 3 days - she is in no danger (of anything other than self pity and boredom) - leave her there

I wouldn't go at the moment. To be fair we're also only hearing one side of the story, I would speak with the boys too and see if they can shine any light on it and if things can be improved to try and save the last few days.

I disagree with those who say you should collect her. Is it XH's contact time with you daughter? If so, then surely he should be asked whether it is ok for the OP to pick her daughter up early.

If you don't get his agreement then where does it all end? What if your DD ever doesn't enjoy a holiday with you and moans to her dad, who then comes to pick her up? I think that setting a precedent like this is really asking for trouble, particularly in a situation in which you say your XH is generally pretty good and the stepmum sounds nice.

I actually think that the way you are dealing with it is about right OP. I'm just shocked with some of comments from other posters on here!

Her Dad should agree tonight to take her for a treat tomoz. It's going to shot and stormy with rain so how about cinema. Your ex has really let down

I agree with you OP. Its her week with XP and they are on holiday. aside from speaking to EXH and letting him know DD is miserable I dont think you should do anything. you certainly shouldnt go and get her. I expect shes making things sound worse than they are.

you cant always run off to her rescue when things arent to her liking. Shes safe with her dad, if theres an issue he can sort it.