Name changed as this is very identifying.
On Sunday, XH took DD (14) and DS's (16 year old twins) to Wales, along with his wife and her 2 daughters (13 and 11) It's the first time they've all gone away together, DD was really excited, it was the boys who were dragging their feet and now 3 days into the trip and the boys are loving it and DD is crying down the phone, asking me to come pick her up.
Her complaints:
No one talks to her, which I'm sure is an exaggeration, their are 6 other people there, but she said that they've all paired off, step siblings go off without inviting her, DSs' tell her to get lost whenever she's near, XH only spent 10 mins playing cards with her when she'd waited half an hour for him to finish up a game with DSs.
The cottage they're staying in has 4 bedrooms, DS's are sharing, step daughters are sharing, DD gets her own room and I think that's just made her feel more lonely. She says everyone stays up really late in their rooms, playing games, talking and she has no one.
I spoke to XH this morning about how she felt and asked if he could spend more time with her but I've just got off the phone with her begging me to come pick her up.
XH spent an hour watching a show with her and then went fishing for the rest of the day, step siblings were playing some hide and seek game with the other kids around and when she asked to play, one of the kids, not either of her step siblings who were I presume hiding at the time, told her that she wouldn't understand the rules, so she went back inside.
DS's are wrapped up in their own lives, I feel awful for her but their's only 3 more days left.
AIBU?
To not want to pick up 14 year old DD from XH's holiday
AbbottLeguarda · 24/08/2016 20:02
I am 
at the number of people here who say that they would just go and fetch her. How many of you would be happy about your ex turning up to fetch their kids from your holiday because things weren't going their way?
If a woman posted here that her ex had turned up to fetch the kids because they were complaining about the holiday there would be cries of "get a solicitor" and "reduce his contact," and "he is a controlling arsehole."
She is fourteen. fourteen year olds often have a sense of injustice about themselves when things don't go their way. by going to pick her up the OP is not only undermining her ex's parenting, and let's be honest here she is going to paint the worst possible picture here to gain her mum's sympathy, but she is also teaching her DD that all she has to do is cry down the phone to get what she wants.
Yes, there is a conversation to be had around her being able to choose whether she goes on future holidays and for the OP to support those choices. But to let her go and then go and fetch her when things don't quite go the way she wants is giving out a wrong message. At fourteen she does need to learn about sticking to her commitments and being able to get through things without always having to be "rescued."
I speak as the mother of an almost fourteen year old who this year chose not to go on holiday with his dad, a decision which I supported based on the fact that in previous years he has wavered at the last minute about going and wanted to come home. Except they have now gone on a different holiday which he asked if he could go on, arrangements were made and extra was paid to accommodate him. And then last night he had a wobble about not wanting to go after all. HAd it not been his choice to go I would have supported him in staying, but given he actively asked to go he has to hold to that commitment. He's already text me, but the reality is that it's only a week, he can swim in the pool and read and do whatever else fourteen year olds do, and then after a week he can come home and if he wants, doesn't have to go on another such holiday.
But it's a week, not a lifetime, and no-one is in danger here.
She has three days. I would be telling her that while you sympathise, she can swim/find some other kids to make friends with/read/whatever she does at home when she's not away, and then she'll be home.
I absolutely wouldn't be driving down to fetch her. And I absolutely wouldn't be telling XH what he should and shouldn't be doing on his time.
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What WannaBe said. This is not life or death and you can have (and should have) a chat with her when she's home. She does need to learn to deal with situations and you 'rescuing' her at the first hurdle doesn't help her in future. It's hard being the elder of twins - everyone pays more attention to twins; they just do - and it's totally normal in that situation to feel left out and it's not even specific to gender (I have 3 DSDs, one 21 then 18 yr old twin girls).
I think the key here is to talk to her on her return and let her vent about her feelings. Discuss and keep discussing as you move forward. But removing her from every situation that she feels uncomfortable with isn't the right thing to do, imh. If she's in danger that's different, but she's with her dad and she is 14 when all said and done! I remember being a complete diva and a bit shit at that age - if the world didn't revolve around ME then it was all a bit shit 
She'll be fine, and more so because she has a mother who sounds like she has her head screwed on. Talk to her - when she's home. It's only an option to you because we now have instant communication! That's not necessarily a good thing. DON'T FEEL GUILTY!
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