To not want to pick up 14 year old DD from XH's holiday

[AbbottLeguarda]

Name changed as this is very identifying.

On Sunday, XH took DD (14) and DS's (16 year old twins) to Wales, along with his wife and her 2 daughters (13 and 11) It's the first time they've all gone away together, DD was really excited, it was the boys who were dragging their feet and now 3 days into the trip and the boys are loving it and DD is crying down the phone, asking me to come pick her up.

Her complaints:

No one talks to her, which I'm sure is an exaggeration, their are 6 other people there, but she said that they've all paired off, step siblings go off without inviting her, DSs' tell her to get lost whenever she's near, XH only spent 10 mins playing cards with her when she'd waited half an hour for him to finish up a game with DSs.

The cottage they're staying in has 4 bedrooms, DS's are sharing, step daughters are sharing, DD gets her own room and I think that's just made her feel more lonely. She says everyone stays up really late in their rooms, playing games, talking and she has no one.

I spoke to XH this morning about how she felt and asked if he could spend more time with her but I've just got off the phone with her begging me to come pick her up.

XH spent an hour watching a show with her and then went fishing for the rest of the day, step siblings were playing some hide and seek game with the other kids around and when she asked to play, one of the kids, not either of her step siblings who were I presume hiding at the time, told her that she wouldn't understand the rules, so she went back inside.

DS's are wrapped up in their own lives, I feel awful for her but their's only 3 more days left.

[BlueFolly]

I honestly don't think it sounds that bad. Gardening is great! It sounds like she is expecting to be entertained the whole time and is feeling sorry for herself. This is her father's issue to sort out.

[StripeyMonkey1]

dotdotdotmustdash - what if the OP's DH ever decides that he needs to pick up her DD from the OP's house because she is upset? What if the DD spins him a line to get out of a boring relative visit or maybe being grounded and he falls for it. The DD might even be genuinely be upset and believe her story (she is a teenager after all). Is it ok for him just to arrive and take her?

[TheHorseWhisperer]

Why can't she amuse herself? Books, computer, walks? Or go fishing with her Dad? Is she literally just sat there or does she have access to stuff like a computer

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

"Shes on her way to being an adult and has to learn to deal with situations she finds boring or disappointing. Picking her up will do more harm than good amongst all the various relationships."

I agree. She is 14, not 4.

It is hard on you, op. Of course you don't want your dd to be upset, it is painful having tearful phonecalls. But it's not like you've sent her off to boarding school at the age of 7! She's having a holiday that is disappointing - be sorry for her, be willing to listen to all the moaning, be warm and encouraging and soothing (as I know you will be). But don't go and collect her.

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

everyone is more worried about stepping on toes than about her well-being

Utter bollocks. RTFT rather than guilting an upset OP who has demonstrated repeatedly her deep concern for her child's wellbeing.

[TattyCat]

And for what it's worth, I remember very well being on holiday with both my parents when I was 14 - several, in fact as we holidayed a lot - and I chose to stay alone whilst they went off for the day (the WHOLE day). By the time they came home I was desperate for company and therefore more receptive to being included. I'd really missed them but when they asked me to go, I thought their option was a bit 'lame' and not of interest to me - one memorable occasion being the Garden Route in SA. I lucked out but didn't appreciate it at the time because I was hormonal and sulky!!

[dotdotdotmustdash]

dotdotdotmustdash - what if the OP's DH ever decides that he needs to pick up her DD from the OP's house because she is upset? What if the DD spins him a line to get out of a boring relative visit or maybe being grounded and he falls for it. The DD might even be genuinely be upset and believe her story (she is a teenager after all). Is it ok for him just to arrive and take her?

What if both parents together decide to let a 14 yr old decide when she's unhappy? I believe the courts would make her wishes the priority if she was ever in that position.What about both parents working together to make their separation affect their children as little as possible?

[user1471552005]

rumbling - It IS about what effect it has on the child and the stress it causes the child when separated parents tread on each other's toes and there is bad feeling.

That's hardly the kid's fault though, her having to take the brunt of the bad relationship issues between the parents.

[BlueFolly]

But picking a child up in the middle of the holiday would be creating a bad relationship.

[Nevaehsmum]

She unhappy!!! Go and pick her up! I wouldn't even need to think twice about it.

I agree she has do learn to deal with and stick by things she doesn't enjoy but her holiday isn't one of those things. She should be enjoying herself!

Go and pick her up.

[StripeyMonkey1]

Dotdotdot - what about the many unhappy teenagers on holiday with both their parents. I certainly was one at 14 (unreasonably in my case!). Who should have come to collect me? Grandparents? The slackers didn't

I'm not sure 14 year olds are yet able to choose whether to holiday with parents or not. At 16-18 they can be more independent, and even stay home alone if they want.

[Ireallydontseewhy]

But tatty that's not what is happening to dd - op says dss won't let her go with them, and stepsibs go off without inviting her (not suggesting this is to be mean, just that it may not have occurred to them that dd wants to join).
Have to admit, I find gardening dull (sorry to the poster who likes it!) - def not what I would want to do on holiday!
Could exh be persuaded to do some 'family outings' - a walk, trip to beach, trip to a castle, cinema trip in the evening - that everyone goes on? It does sound as though dd and the stepsibs might need 'nudging' to bond a bit more.
I don't agree that dd can necessarily 'insert herself' and learn to find her place - though it may be worth a try with the stepsibs- but dss have expressly told her she can't join them!

[Nevaehsmum]

And if you'd really resent your ex picking your unhappy child up during your time with them then you really need to sort your priorities. Their happiness comes first.

Me and my children's dad split up 11 years ago. Since then were split our time and holidays equally. I would never be pissed at him for picking up one of our unhappy children and he wouldn't be pissed off with me either becuase we both just want our children happy!

[dotdotdotmustdash]

I'm not sure 14 year olds are yet able to choose whether to holiday with parents or not. At 16-18 they can be more independent, and even stay home alone if they want.

If her both her parents (or sole parent) were on holiday that would be the case, but this child has two parents who aren't on holiday together and she prefers to be with the one who isn't and feels she would be happier in her home. Shouldn't that be her choice?

[TattyCat]

What if both parents together decide to let a 14 yr old decide when she's unhappy?

Well, based on ONE set of circumstances, I'd say that 14 year olds are a little... unbalanced...and have a tendency to be over dramatic.

That said, I DO think that more communication on a deeper level is needed when teenagers are in this situation. I still don't agree that this child needs collecting from her father. It's only because we now have instant communication that this is an issue - it wouldn't previously have been until the child returned to her mother, at which point it would be talked about...

Reacting to her calls of being miserable in the moment is entering into dangerous territory and absolutely will not help this girl. Talking to her after the event will help to resolve some of her issues.

[dotdotdotmustdash]

Utter bollocks. RTFT

I have read the full thread, what makes you assume I haven't?

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

Ah I see. GF.

[headinhands]

Op it's hard when you're getting polar advice. But it seems like you've already used your own reasoning and logic to not collect her. All I can say is your thinking seems very sound to me.

[katemess12]

I'd pick her up. It'd break my heart if my daughter was begging me to pick her up from somewhere because she was having a miserable time. But maybe I'm just too soft.

[Goodasgoldilox]

I feel for her ... and for you. This is tough!

However - she is safe and isn't going to suffer lasting harm from feeling a bit left out/bored for a few days.

I think that you are doing the right thing - listening with sympathy and letting your XH know.

Don''t forget the 'Hello Mother, Hello Father' song all about a terrible holiday at Camp Granada. I have taken teens on many school trips and phone-calls home are usually made when they feel low. These calls often don't relate to the whole day's experience and are not made when fun is happening.

Parenting is such a mix of pressures!

[TattyCat]

Op, your initial gut reaction was to not pick her up. Stick with that and keep your own counsel, because by asking other people, you will never come to the right answer because there isn't one. Only you know what the right thing to do is. Sleep on it.

[Ireallydontseewhy]

I do think there's a bit of a risk in the 'teenagers exaggerate' school of thought - obviously some do, as indeed do some adults, but some are genuinely really unhappy!
I do think that some fun joint activities for all the family could help hugely here. Nothing very expensive - even just all playing cards together.

[ShelaghTurner]

Agree with dotdot. If her father objects to her being collected then he knows what he can do. He can pull his finger out and make more of an effort with the kid, spend time with her, engineer some time all together, whatever. It's holidays not bootcamp. If I was somewhere and I'd had enough I'd up and come home. She can't do that off her own bat so someone has to do it for her.

[PoohBearsHole]

op my niece has to,d my db and dsil that she hates where they live and can't grasp why they won't move to a city, two hours from db work. she moans and whinges and cries and hates it where she lives. apparently the grass is greener, she has friends a pool and easy access to the city where family often invite her to stay/ include her. still not good enough. she's 14.

leave her be, perhaps suggest next holiday to xh that letting did take a friend would be a good solution to male numbers even? good luck x

[TattyCat]

Ah... memories....

I had a DSS many years ago. We took him to Center Parcs and round about the 3rd/4th night in, he called his mum at bedtime. And cried, and cried and missed her ... for half an hour (we listened and were flummoxed!). Then he put the phone down and wanted to play draughts and chatted about his day. His mum had obviously been sensible and not offered to come and get him (!) so he got on with it and certainly appeared to have a good time for all of the holiday. He was about 8 at the time and it really worried me that we weren't making him happy, but actually in hindsight, it was nothing to do with us and the holiday and more about his general situation. He would have preferred to be on holiday with his mum and dad, but he had his dad and me instead :(

I did my best. I loved him dearly but I couldn't change his situation.