to move away from family to get out of privately renting? Really confused :-(

[Worriedwoe]

Thanks for reading and will try and keep this as short as poss!
We currently live in littlehampton near my mum.
My brother also lives nearby in a village and my elderly nan lives here too so all close family are here.
We have been privately renting for 12 years and have moved 6 times until this last " long term let " where we have been here 3 years and no major issues apart from a £25 year increase per year which is a bit of a joke considering the state of the property when we took it as it was hubby who sorted the whole lot out.
Anyway, fast forward to now.
2 children aged 4 and 2 and mother has been quite unwell recently after suffering a minor stroke but she is now recovered.
Brother offers no support and sees her about once a month if that even though he lives up the road.
I've always worried about renting privately as find it so unstable for the kids and low and behold we have been offered a 3 bedroomed house in Reigate from a local housing association on a " market rent " scheme due to one becoming available and my husband works in the area in a government job so he comes high on the list.
The rent is a bit higher than here but is set rent and contract is renewed every 5 years as long as no breaches so security is obviously there.
My mum is in bits, she doesn't drive and still works Monday - Friday so realistically it will become once a week and sometimes less if the kids have bits on and all the travelling is going to fall on me :-(
I will miss my mum terribly but my husband says I need to think of the children who need a home not a shell that they keep moving from.
What would you do?
All opinions gratefully received x

OP your mum is extremely selfish , wanting you to stay near her for her company/ convenience, to the detriment of the supposedly loved grandchildren. She would like you to sacrifice their stability, secure schooling so that she can pop in easily. Outrageous. Imagine same scenario, if your husband would not move to an obviously far better set up, because your MIL wanted to pop in evenings and wanted company. It'd be grounds for divorce if your husband sacrificed his wife/ kids in favour of his mother! What do you think?

We have spoken to a catholic school ( as we are catholic and already had a school place lined up here ) and they have a place.
Anyone know of st josephs in redhill? All Reigate schools full so would be a waiting list for any there.
She just lives in hope she can buy us a home when nan passes although I agree with the care home issue although she shuts me down with that as says nan will live with her if needed so inheritance safe.
I think she's being unrealistic.
Husband loves mum as his passed 5 years ago so is quite close to her and doesn't mind her coming over and always says how wonderful she is with the children, but even though I've talked to our landlord and got a 3 year contract agreed ( to be signed next week if we don't take Reigate house ) he still worries about private renting.

Haven't read the whole thread but I really hate when families make their relatives feel guilty for wanting to move. I would never do that to my child.

You mum is manipulating you with talk of hoping to buy you a house with inheritance. All the points made above about grandmother and care are excellent and perhaps you can see that this inheritance is likely to never happen. Also consider that Ireland is full of unsellable properties for years now. The market is very stagnant outside Dublin.your mother is trying to hold onto you, despite it being worse for you family, with a 'hope' that I assure you will never come to pass. In the meanwhile you will have lost out on great opportunity. But she will be able to pop by easily, and that sounds like it's more important to you than your husband or children.

Just to add- you said in your post that your husband is very fond of your mother. But your husband wants to move and sees it as best decision for your family. Why are you listening to your mother instead of your husband? Imagine if any husband listened to what his mother wanted rather than his wife. Dies that put it into some perspective for you? You are making decisions with your mother instead of your husband! But it sounds like that what you want to do- just be aware of what is happening here.

I take on board everything you have said.
I agree.
My husband does want to move, he wants stability for our children and I totally agree with that.
If my mum was different this would be a complete no brainer.
My nan is very old fashioned and believe people will benefit from her money when she passes. My mum is looking at about £500,0000 as it's already been put in her name.
But obviously my nan needing greater care than my mum could provide could throw all of that out, she's 90 but very very well so she could also easily be with us another 10 years.
It's all based on guess work on what " might " happen, meanwhile we are living year to year.
I had arranged the 3 year contract a week before this offer came through from the housing trust - luckily I have not signed anything as was due to meet the landlord next Friday to do it.
I wish my mum were a bit more selfish in other respects, I would love her to buy a little bungalow near the sea when my nan passes to live in and retire in and we can buy once she passes but she would prefer us not to leave in the hope we can buy sooner rather than later.
My husband is very placid which is lovely but hard at some points as the big decisions do fall on me ultimately
Really grateful for all the replies

45 minutes away would be like next door for me.

Knew a guy in his 60s who's 100 year old dgm lived in a primelocation in town. He spent most of his 60s and 70s looking after, doing bits and bobs around the house in the hope that when she died he would cash in. He died before her. She died at about 117 years old. Not quite in the worlds oldest world record but closeish

That house must be huge. Is it lying empty or is it rented out?

This is a no brainer. Your nan might die soon, but your kids need stability now. The fact that you cannot immediately put their need for stable housing first, above your mother who will still be only 45 minutes away, is very, very telling of how manipulative she is and how selfish the whole situation is.

No offence to your mum but she needs to get some independence! You definitely should move. Hardly anyone I know lives near their family. My dad is a widower and doesn't live near any of his three daughters. He travels between to visit his grandchildren. Move! Tomorrow you should go for a trip to Reigate to have a look around (as you said you've only been once).

OP in the nicest possible way, your Nan lives in Ireland, your Mum in England.

Your mum wasn't bothered about being close to her mum was she? So in other words, your mum can live where she wants to, but wants to guilt you into where she wants and away from a secure tenancy.

That's not really fair, is it?

Did you really mean 5 million pounds or did you mean 5 hundred pounds.....?

Your Mother is being very unfair and manipulative. It's horrible of her to put her needs before you and your family's.

You should move.

I think the man lives near the mum but has property in Ireland.

It's all nonsense, op. Your mum is making up this, if she is saying inheritance worth £500 k- if that's what you meant. Unless she had an asset that's a really great house in a top Dublin location, nothing is worth this in Ireland! The prices are nothing like uk prices, and the market is stagnant. People have properties on the market for years on end and no one is willing to pay pre- 2008 prices. Your mum just wants to control your life with this nonsense, and you on some level want to let her. And you put her above your husband and kids, which irrespective of this thread, is certainly worth reflecting on.

If the grandmother isn't even living in this 'estate' why can't it be sold now and this promise to help you fulfilled? Oh wait- because it's a lot of nonsense!

Are the schools better in Reigate? I would move for the children. You will also be able to have lovely seaside holidays with your mum, which the children will adore! She can get the train up to visit you. It is not as far or scary as you think. Any house/inheritance is a red herring.

Reigate is lovely! It's not that far from Littlehampton. Do it.

Be brave :)

Sorry haven't read the whole thread. OP you owe it to your DC and DH to take the HA house. It will give your family freedom, security and independence. Your mum is being amazingly selfish and controlling in trying to talk you out of it - it's 45 mins away, not in Australia.
I was v lucky to get a HA flat when DH and I started out. It was lovely, great community and the HA we're so helpful. Eventually, we gave up the flat and the HA gave us some cash to put towards a deposit on a house in exchange. It set us up for life and enabled us to give our DC a life we could otherwise not afford.

B