Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move away from family to get out of privately renting? Really confused :-(

162 replies

Worriedwoe · 24/08/2016 08:20

Thanks for reading and will try and keep this as short as poss!
We currently live in littlehampton near my mum.
My brother also lives nearby in a village and my elderly nan lives here too so all close family are here.
We have been privately renting for 12 years and have moved 6 times until this last " long term let " where we have been here 3 years and no major issues apart from a £25 year increase per year which is a bit of a joke considering the state of the property when we took it as it was hubby who sorted the whole lot out.
Anyway, fast forward to now.
2 children aged 4 and 2 and mother has been quite unwell recently after suffering a minor stroke but she is now recovered.
Brother offers no support and sees her about once a month if that even though he lives up the road.
I've always worried about renting privately as find it so unstable for the kids and low and behold we have been offered a 3 bedroomed house in Reigate from a local housing association on a " market rent " scheme due to one becoming available and my husband works in the area in a government job so he comes high on the list.
The rent is a bit higher than here but is set rent and contract is renewed every 5 years as long as no breaches so security is obviously there.
My mum is in bits, she doesn't drive and still works Monday - Friday so realistically it will become once a week and sometimes less if the kids have bits on and all the travelling is going to fall on me :-(
I will miss my mum terribly but my husband says I need to think of the children who need a home not a shell that they keep moving from.
What would you do?
All opinions gratefully received x

OP posts:
RortyCrankle · 24/08/2016 18:17

You seem to be bogged down in what's called FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt. You're scared about how upset your DM will be although she should be really pleased for you. She has been fortunate to have you living nearby but now it's time for you to do what's right for YOUR family and it's not like you''re emigrating to Australia.

Be brave and good luck OP

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/08/2016 18:21

Just read your op again and I get the impression you need someone to blame if things don't work out. You blame your dh for your living conditions, you blame your db for not pulling his weight with your dm. You are blaming your dm for being needy and not wanting you to go.
You do need to take some control of your life and the lives of your children. Everyone is telling you that the decision is an easy one yet you come up with excuses about things that might or might not happen.
You are being offered a steady home life for you and your family. A steady school life for your children. What more do you want.

If you are looking for cast iron guarantees then you will have a long wait. Unless you have a crystal ball no one can tell you what the future holds.

Do you rely heavily on your dm for help with the dc.

What happens if you turn this opportunity down and your landlord decides to sell and you can't find anything local. What happens if your dm suddenly gets told her landlord is selling up and she moves away.

imwithspud · 24/08/2016 18:42

Op they won't just turf you out of the scheme doesn't work out. There'd be no point.If you're good tenants then chances are they will keep you on.

Original poster
Worriedwoe · 25/08/2016 08:49

Thanks for the replies
You are all right, I am finding myself making excuses.
I guess I feel very lucky to be able to live near my mum, we are very close as she raised us alone and there's a very big age gap between me and my brother so I'm more like an only child really.
She never met anyone else so relies on me for chats and company but no, no childcare apart from maybe twice a year for my husbands work function events as she works full time so we don't put extra stress on her.
She is wonderful with the kids though :-)
I wish we didn't have such a nice landlord who is saying this is ours for as long as we want it as that would make the decision a lot easier.
She is hopeful she will get sheltered accomodation here if the landlord did ever sell up etc so it seems to be falling on me to make the move.
She is very needy and emotional and always has been, I wouldn't ever move countries or anything for fear of upsetting her.
Luckily I don't want to either but I just feel like everything I can offer the kids by taking this, as you all say, a secure home and a stable school life, being able to plan for which secondary schools etc is taking away their nanny who they adore and taking away the kids from my mum.
She often pops in after work in the week and that would all come to an end.
On the other hand my husband says we are mad not to do it, that a 5 year tenancy with a housing trust is never going to end in them evicting a family, unless we breached the rent etc but it worries me we may be back in private renting in Reigate in 5 years which will be a 1 bedroom flat by the look of those prices! X

OP posts:
AlbusPercival · 25/08/2016 08:55

Reigate is lovely, and there is a direct train from Redhill to Littlehampton

brummiesue · 25/08/2016 09:44

I think you need to think a litte more about what is best for your children, they are your priority not your mum. They will get used to seeing her less especially when they are busy with school. If she can manage to work full time Im sure she can negotiate a train to come and visit. She will just have to manage, tbh it seems like you aren't really listening to anyone on here anyway Hmm

imwithspud · 25/08/2016 10:03

Your husband is right.

And you're really not taking anyone away from anyone, it's an hour! Okay she might not be able to pop over after work anymore but you can make other arrangements, such as having her over for dinner on a Sunday or something. It really really won't be as bad or as heart breaking as you're envisaging

user1471428758 · 25/08/2016 10:24

she is a very needy person and is completely devastated at not seeing the kids a few evenings a week like she gets to do now.

That's appalling, selfish and manipulative on behalf of your mother and also a bit pathetic - she clearly needs a life of her own. Don't pander to it. You have children, you need to put your own family first.

user1471428758 · 25/08/2016 10:26

Also, you're a grown up; you really should be able to cope with the thought of living an hour away from your mother without "missing her terribly". You're an hour away, not in a different country!

Oliversmumsarmy · 25/08/2016 11:05

Why would you be back to private renting in Reigate. You know if you rent you could just as easily rent back in Littlehampton.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 25/08/2016 11:33

I think you should be grabbing this right away. A lot can happen in 5 years and this gives you certainty and stability.
You and your dm can't live in a little co dependent bubble, not when you have your own dc to put first.

FrancisCrawford · 25/08/2016 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pimmmms · 25/08/2016 11:59

If you stop being there all the time for your mother it might force her to make friends. Its unhealthy to live life hrough your children.

Original poster
Worriedwoe · 25/08/2016 12:01

I just meant we really couldn't afford to rent in Reigate if this scheme for whatever reason stopped.
Would a housing trust evict people though? I'm thinking not.
I know I sound like I'm making excuses, it's not I'm just really worried we have a nice settled 5 years and the kids are settled in their primary school and then we have no choice but to move further out to be able to pay the rent!

OP posts:
JacquettaWoodville · 25/08/2016 12:13

Well, you might. But that could happen where you are now, too.

Redhill, for example, is close to Reiagte and considerably cheaper. It wouldn't necessarily mean changing school.

JacquettaWoodville · 25/08/2016 12:14

At what age does your mother intend to retire/move into sheltered accomodation? COuld she do this to Reigate area?

Original poster
Worriedwoe · 25/08/2016 12:28

She can't leave my nan, she's 92 and in sheltered accomodation.
She will hopefully get a place if and when the landlord sells up or increases the rent beyond her affordability.
It's just all very unsettling, it's an area I have been to once in my entire life so no idea what it's like or what schools are like along with to a scheme being brand new so at the end of the 5 years it's quite unknown what will happen although I doubt a housing trust would make children homeless.
I think we have to go, to give the kids a chance at feeling like somewhere is home not just a shell.
My mum keeps promising she will buy us a place when my nan passes ( she has estate in Ireland which will go to my mum when she passes ) but she could live another 10 years of course.

OP posts:
Francescaestee · 25/08/2016 12:34

Do it, it's a great opportunity for you and your family, private renting is a joke. I moved from Horsham to Felpham last year as we could afford to buy a bigger house first house in felpham. (Spent 7 years private rent) My mum was devastated but we have made it work. I see her every weekend and she will sometimes see me in the week. It was hard at first relocating but it was the best thing to do for our family. Hope it all works out well for u.

manicinsomniac · 25/08/2016 12:44

I'd move on the proviso that you can get a decent, local school place for your 4 year old. There's only a week till the start of term so, realistically, can you move and find a school in that time? I wouldn't want my child to start reception in one school, just settle then move a month later.

5Foot5 · 25/08/2016 13:04

This must be incredibly frustrating for your DH. And have you ever wondered how he feels about his MIL popping in and out all the time?

FrancisCrawford · 25/08/2016 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oliversmumsarmy · 25/08/2016 17:23

But the price of property in Ireland is a fraction of the price of property in the UK and with potential nursing home costs in wouldn't be relying on it.

halfdoneharris · 25/08/2016 17:49

There are lots of outstanding schools in Reigate so I would be jumping at the chance to live there. It has a lovely high street full of independent and chain shops and restaurants and an amazing park in the centre of the town. Good luck, I'm sure it will be a great move for your family!

ArmfulOfRoses · 25/08/2016 18:28

Your mum won't move because of her mum?

That's her choice op, don't let her guilt you into becoming her.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 25/08/2016 19:22

I think definitely move but be realistic about school places, they're thin on the ground in Reigate and you may need to go on a waiting for your preferred school. Contact the school admissions team to get on the lists and visit the Surrey website to find your nearest schools to the new property. You'll be low on the waiting list from your current address but can move up it once you provide proof of address. May be movement on the lists in September too so best to get on the lists asap. Best of luck op