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Original poster

To be too stunned to react?

342 replies

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 23/08/2016 17:32

Long post, sorry. I just don't want to drip feed.

So I was out yesterday with my DD (2 & 1/2) and my DM at IKEA. My DD and I were queueing up for an icecream at the end and DD went on the other side of the barrier to me but just stood there, no intention of running off so I wasn't concerned and I could reach her easily. A little boy (maybe 3) came up to her and with no provocation or reason just shoved my DD. Not hard particularly but she did hit her head on the barrier. Kids will be kids and all but his mother just called after him and he ran off even though she had seen him shove my DD (I know because she had already been calling him before he did it). No apology to me or concern for my DD, just following her little devil treasure. My DM said loudly that it was shocking but I was just too stunned to say anything. The man in the queue behind me said "that boy needs a good slap" but I was too shocked to even respond to him.

My question is, should I have reacted? Said something? My first concern was making sure my DD wasn't hurt (luckily she wasn't). Has this happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
Mycraneisfixed · 24/08/2016 00:48

The first time something like this happens yes you're too stunned to speak. But next time you'll say something! We all learn that the hard way.
But do remember as you're a mother of a DD that boys are more physical than girls so allow a little leeway.
As we say in our family, "people who haven't had a son (only daughters) really have NO IDEA!"

Thatsmeinthecorner2016 · 24/08/2016 06:10

Fair enough. You are upset at the injustice served on your dd. I can empathise with that. But they're all just tiny little people who have to learn.

But how will they learn if nobody gives them direction? When people say, boys will be boys, kids will be kids..
Will they learn with the first push back they get from an older child? Or even a beating? Will they learn from a pissed off adult who will tell them off or even slap them? All that boy has learned from that situation was that his mother doesn't give a shit about whether he hurts others or not and that he can create havoc and it's fine.

Iggi999 · 24/08/2016 06:46

Mycrane that is so sexist, and part of the reason why boys do end up being "more physical" is parents with that attitude!

NotYoda · 24/08/2016 06:49

Lello

"The issue is the number of parents who DO let kids away with repeated episodes of bad behaviour and who adopt an attitude that it's just little Billy being spirited, and there's nothing to be done because ALL kids do it ( they don't) and they'll grow out of it (most do but part of that growing is learning that it's wrong)"

No, that's your issue. No one on here would disagree with that. You got on your high horse about it, throwing round stereotypes when it may have nothing to do with the OPs scenario. But if you want to believe people on her have got "Billys" and that trying to get the OP to have some perspective means we never reprimanded our children or guided them into good behaviour, then fill your boots

NotYoda · 24/08/2016 06:50

... also, no-one said ALL kids do it. There you go being all black and white about it

NotYoda · 24/08/2016 06:55

MyCrane

I don't agree with that.

I have two sons and they are very unalike

Just5minswithDacre · 24/08/2016 07:01

Has this happened to anyone else?

What? Seen our child thumped/shoved/kicked by the slightly thuggish child of oblivious parents?

Noooo. That'll be a first in the history of parenting you've experienced there HmmConfused

puglife15 · 24/08/2016 08:09

The truth is op

You have no idea if she saw it

You have no idea if she reprimanded her son if she did, it might just not have been a performance.

Maybe as she was running after him she didn't pay attention to who he pushed and was too mortified to walk back to the tills trying to work out which child it was and instead focused on telling him hitting is wrong and don't do it?

No one is saying she shouldn't have acknowledged it if she saw it

No one is saying he should be given free range to push anyone without consequence.

lljkk · 24/08/2016 08:29

I was at toddler group within 18 inches of DS, trying to never take my eyes off him, when a little girl reversed her ride-on onto his puzzle. At that precise moment another boy was trying to talk to me so I didn't see DS push the little girl over, just got a hissing angry mother in my ear. It all happened in 10 seconds. That's when I learnt you can't actually control them, Pretending you have total control is delusional.

DS2 didn't do consequences, either, I mean, they had no impact on his impulses. Waste of time punishing him until he was 8-9yo.

kierenthecommunity · 24/08/2016 08:34

Or maybe mum didn't apologise because she's a rude bastard, has no idea of social niceties and has piss poor parenting skills.

But it still wouldn't make me stunned to jaw dropping proportions because some people are rude bastards, have no idea of social niceties and have piss poor parenting skills.

I'm amazed you've not come across people like this in your line of work tbh. I'm in the police and deal with people like this every day.

HarryElephante · 24/08/2016 08:45

Forcing children to apologise is just the ultimate humiliation for them. Children are children and, shock horror, occasionally act like one. Expecting them to adhere to adult etiquette is insane. If my child pushed another, I would explain that sort of behaviour is not really acceptable and could they try and not do it again. I most definitely wouldn't force them to apologise. Nor do/would I expect an apology if the reverse happened.

Children are children. Chances are pretty high they won't be randomly shoving people when they grow up.

DollyBarton · 24/08/2016 08:48

It's not nice but it happens. I'd just focus on my dd and reassuring her. If the mum had been physically I would have probably sympathetically addressed her but kids go through phases and can really let you down with their behaviour so wouldn't be too upset. If I'd been the mum I would have been over like a shot to apologise and check your daughter was ok but some people have no manners.

Thelyingbitchandthewardrobe · 24/08/2016 09:03

What happens when all the kids who would never do anything wrong eg biting, pushing and so on finally do do something wrong?

Do the parents start to admit their parenting skills aren't perfect?

Do the parents put their heads in the sand and pretend nothing happened?

Do the parents continue on like the rest of us trying to help our kids grow up, correcting them when they need to?

This thread depresses me. I wasn't going to post but I couldn't resist. I'm well aware my kids could act out at any moment. Are there REALLY kids out there who don't?

Just5minswithDacre · 24/08/2016 09:43

Forcing children to apologise is just the ultimate humiliation for them.

Confused

See OP? There's loads of 'em about Hmm

NickiFury · 24/08/2016 09:46

I think learning how and when to give an appropriate apology is a vital life skill myself. When does someone learn this if not as a child?

HarryElephante · 24/08/2016 09:47

Loads of what, just? What are you labeling me as?

HarryElephante · 24/08/2016 09:52

The thing - for me- is teaching children right from wrong not forcing a child to apologise, when most of the time they don't know what they have done wrong.

I treat children as equals, not lesser beings. If I wouldn't like it done to me, I don't do it to them. I (try snd) teach by example and through explaining not by pulling rank.

NavyandWhite · 24/08/2016 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Paddingtonthebear · 24/08/2016 09:56

So bored of people using the "boy" excuse for aggressive behaviour. My DD was pushed over and hit several times by her same age cousin this weekend, who behaves like this all the time. It's so tedious that nothing is done about it and the "he's a boy excuse" is rolled out every time.

Original poster
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 24/08/2016 09:57

Nobody likes to apologise but if I have hurt someone (whether on purpose or by accident), I apologise because it shows the other person that you acknowledge it happening and that you wish it hadn't.

If apologising as a child is that humiliating, maybe they won't do it again?

I don't claim to be a perfect parent. I have never said I am. I make mistakes all the time and I try to hold my hands up to them but I will never accept hitting/shoving from my DD. She may do it in the future, but I will never find it acceptable and she will always be picked up on it.

OP posts:
greedygorb · 24/08/2016 10:01

I have an only child. He is a boy. He has been made to apologise for any hurt he has caused other children (if I've seen, accidental or not) since before he was 2. Luckily he is a big wuss and not prone to shoving so more a shovee. I haven't taken any extreme offence when another child has shoved him although on more than one occasion thought 'Get your little shit darling under control' of certain parents. Where does that put me in the Mumsnet Venn diagram of ideal parenting?

NickiFury · 24/08/2016 10:03

When you've behaved badly an apology is expected and often necessary to smooth a situation over. Socially it's what the majority expect. So don't teach your kids to apologise if you don't want to but don't be surprised if you and they are labelled rude and ill mannered.

HarryElephante · 24/08/2016 10:11

If apologising as a child is that humiliating, maybe they won't do it again?

I just don't believe the way to teach children right from wrong is to humiliate them. I don't like to be humiliated so why would I do that to my child? What is that teaching them?

NickiFury · 24/08/2016 10:13

Harry do you feel humiliated whenever you apologise?

HarryElephante · 24/08/2016 10:15

Nicki, I really don't care what the (wo)man on the street thinks of my children. My parenting isn't for their benefit, it's for my children's. If I believe I am teaching them right from wrong, well then a apology from them will naturally follow, particularly if that is the example I am setting in and out of the home.