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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be too stunned to react?

342 replies

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 23/08/2016 17:32

Long post, sorry. I just don't want to drip feed.

So I was out yesterday with my DD (2 & 1/2) and my DM at IKEA. My DD and I were queueing up for an icecream at the end and DD went on the other side of the barrier to me but just stood there, no intention of running off so I wasn't concerned and I could reach her easily. A little boy (maybe 3) came up to her and with no provocation or reason just shoved my DD. Not hard particularly but she did hit her head on the barrier. Kids will be kids and all but his mother just called after him and he ran off even though she had seen him shove my DD (I know because she had already been calling him before he did it). No apology to me or concern for my DD, just following her little devil treasure. My DM said loudly that it was shocking but I was just too stunned to say anything. The man in the queue behind me said "that boy needs a good slap" but I was too shocked to even respond to him.

My question is, should I have reacted? Said something? My first concern was making sure my DD wasn't hurt (luckily she wasn't). Has this happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
user1468407812 · 23/08/2016 22:40

These things happen, children can be impulsive. Passing judgement as you have done on the mothers parenting is unfair as you do not know any surrounding circumstances etc...was she able to 'run' after her child? This you can not know unless you'd asked her.

gandalf456 · 23/08/2016 22:43

The mum was probably in a flap because he was running off and concentrating on catching him. I'd have intended to apologise but situations like these would make my brain frazzle and forget or lose the moment and the said family has gone.

DancingDinosaur · 23/08/2016 22:50

My pfb would never shove another child either. I was so smug. Then my second came along. He is very challenging. i expect other people think I'm a shit parent when he's bouncing off the walls. Luckily I've (had to) grown a thick enough skin not to care what other people think. But at 2.5 years old, really you've barely got started and you've no idea how its going to be yet with your pfb.

metaphoricus · 23/08/2016 22:57

I can empathise with your protective instinct. But boy toddler pushes girl toddler - or indeed girl toddler pushes boy toddler is not even news of the millennium. It's an everyday occurrence in countries all over the globe. It's an unjustified action by a barely formed human. I have 2 dds, so I know what I'm talking about. I think you need to save your stunned inability to react, for an occasion when something REALLY bad happens. Mine are all grown up now, but you are deffo going to have to grow a tougher shell. First she was on the other side of a barrier. Then she was on the other side of a barrier with DM. Then she was at the other side of a barrier with DM and you had your hand on her shoulder. Did you though? Anyway. I think this is a non-event, and the mother of the boy was prolly at the end of her tether. I would not have given it a second thought, after making sure my child was not hurt. Other people have their own problems .I know that for certain.

puglife15 · 23/08/2016 23:04

You did the right thing in tending to your DD, not sure how else you could have reacted reasonably tbh?

Yes if the mum saw it she should have apologised on her son's behalf to your daughter. But maybe she didn't see.

I don't agree that being forced to apologise is part of being reprimanded. I don't think forcing a child to parrot a word they don't understand, for acting on an impulse they may not understand, is an effective way to teach a child right and wrong. That doesn't mean no reprimand at all.

My son is not a pusher at all usually, does not run away etc either but I was shocked to see him push a friend the other day. I think he's trying it out as he himself has been pushed many times. Maybe her boy is the same and so she didn't know to always have him within reach to stop it happening and she too was in shock?

metaphoricus · 23/08/2016 23:17

DraeneiMage, I agree. My DD used to hit me or her dad but it was always picked up on no matter what day I was having. She doesn't do it anymore because she was always told off

This comes as an eye-opener to me. Why would a toddler hit a parent?
Where would they learn it? Off of the telly? I never had to deal with this sort of behaviour. Thank goodness.

Original poster
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 23/08/2016 23:25

My DD is due to start nursery in September but this will not be her first interaction with other children.

It is not the shoving that shocked me (as I have said repeatedly) but the lack of any obvious concern from his mother about the behaviour or my DD.

True, she may not have seen. True, my DD may end up shoving another child. True, the little boy might have had SN that meant that he didn't understand the behaviour. But the number of people who don't see an issue with not picking up on this behaviour is... telling. If my DD does take to shoving others, I will tell her every time that it is wrong and she will apologise to the other child (where possible) and I will apologise on her behalf.

OP posts:
Sunshineonacloudyday · 23/08/2016 23:27

He may have been playing. They are still learning at 3 as that is the time kid start going to nursery and learning how to play with other children. Not all children at that age understand speach and language and following instructions they develop later. Remember to pipe up next time.

I have 3 girls and a 17 month old boy they are different boys like to ramp girls like to sit and play with dolllies. The mother may not have seen him push her. I don't think he was intentionaly picking on her.

Original poster
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 23/08/2016 23:28

metaphoricus, she didn't hit out of violence or to deliberately hurt us. It was her playing with us and it getting a bit rough.

But how is her hitting us any different to hitting another child? Both are wrong.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/08/2016 23:29

But the number of people who don't see an issue with not picking up on this behaviour is... telling.

Only because you have no idea whether the Mother saw him or not, otherwise those people's views would probably be different.

If my DD does take to shoving others, I will tell her every time that it is wrong and she will apologise to the other child (where possible) and I will apologise on her behalf.

You can only do that if you know about it/saw it.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 23/08/2016 23:35

School teachers are not very good at telling parents about any incidents. My daughter was pushed in the mud she had to change her clothes the teacher didn't tell me my daughter did.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 23/08/2016 23:40

The little boy who pushed her was having problems at home. Mum and dad seperated and he was in and out of his life. He was very angry boy and he wasn't getting on at school. I understand the family's struggle but my daughter was very upset and had to explain it to her. He was getting help from the school for his issues.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 23/08/2016 23:48

It takes 18 years to bring up a child enjoy it. There is no book out there on how to be a perfect parent. Anyone who says bringing up children is easy is lying.

metaphoricus · 23/08/2016 23:48

metaphoricus, she didn't hit out of violence or to deliberately hurt us. It was her playing with us and it getting a bit rough

Ok if you're just talking about being bonked on the head with a rattle, fair enough. I've carried a couple of bruises that way. I thought you meant actual purposeful hitting from a toddler.

NoMudNoLotus · 23/08/2016 23:48

Good luck OP.

With your attitude you are going to need it.

You may or not be a qualified teacher but you have a lot to learn.

Original poster
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 23/08/2016 23:49

Sunshine, I strive to make sure I pass on all information to parents. Especially about incidents like that. For your DD's sake, I hope it was an oversight on the teacher's part and not considering it unworthy of passing on.

Yeah, these children and families may be having bad days or bigger issues. But what about the children who are on the receiving end of it? My DD was ok and too young to be upset about it but when it happens to older children, it could either seriously hurt or upset them. Should they be dismissed because "every child does it"?

OP posts:
NoMudNoLotus · 23/08/2016 23:52

Ps it's not just difficult families having difficult days that experience their DC having unacceptable behaviour.

As you will soon learn. It gets more difficult OP - this parenting lark. Be cautious - very cautious - about casting judgments.

Original poster
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 23/08/2016 23:56

NoMud, you are absolutely right. Thank you for your luck. I will need it in September when I get my new class and I have to deal with potentially 30 children displaying difficult behaviour. But by the end of the day, I'm pretty tired of it and I let it slide.

OP posts:
Sunshineonacloudyday · 24/08/2016 00:02

I think older children should know better because I knew the family I let it go. If it was my child I would have appologised. All you can do is sympathise with her and tell your dd that know one should put there hand on you.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 24/08/2016 00:03

What year group do you teach.

metaphoricus · 24/08/2016 00:05

I have to say though - if you genuinely do work with SEN children, your shock and stun threshold is incredibly low. I'm a SN teacher of 30 years, so we both know that worse things can happen than a rambunctious toddler pushing another toddler. It's not news. Although it does make the hackles rise when it's your own child. I know. Not Mumsnet fodder though, I wouldn't think.

BeaLola · 24/08/2016 00:06

Yes it's not great that she didn't come and apologise because in an ideal world that would be lovely - your daughter would still have got knocked but Mum would have apogised. There could be tons of
Reasons why she didn't and unless she is reading this thread we will never know. Unless you frequent that IKEA all the time and bump into same child on numerous other occasions you won't know if he is really always like this , whether she is always like this and at the end of the day there isn't much you can do about it but to be honest with people these things happen .

Today I took my 8 year old to London - whilst queuing to buy yummy things for us to eat (sorry perfect Mums who take their own beautifully healthy stuff with them this was not that ! )another Mum in the same small queue decided to shout about how f crap the staff were and how f awful it was was having to wait - I wasn't shocked by her language just used to the fact ( and sad) that some people talk like that - my 8 year old stared at her in shock at all the F words she used - she then asked him what the f* he was looking at & he replied by telling her a very rude lady who should know better !

Original poster
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 24/08/2016 00:11

metaphoricus, I'm not a SN teacher. I work in a mainstream school that has some children with SN.

Sunshine, I teach in KS2.

OP posts:
metaphoricus · 24/08/2016 00:26

Fair enough. You are upset at the injustice served on your dd. I can empathise with that. But they're all just tiny little people who have to learn. As everyone has now enlightened you, it's not that big a deal.
I'm out now.. It's just too silly.

Kidsrulethishouse · 24/08/2016 00:41

My kids are just the worst by the time we get half way around IKEA. They get bored and then make their own fun (usually by terrorising me).