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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Controlling MIL

88 replies

arrrgggghhhh · 23/08/2016 16:04

Going on holiday for over a week and MIL has invited herself & partner to stay. She only wants to stay for 3 days so haven't been able to ask someone to house / dog sit for the whole time we are away. Our dog has now had to go elsewhere so he can be cared for for the entire duration our holiday. DH told me she had also invited some of her friends to come over during one of the three days but apparently they can't make it. She now wants to invite some other friends and have them stay overnight. I was planning on clean sheets etc for our bed before we go away as we get back late on the night - I'm pregnant and have a 18 month old. Part of the issue is that she hasn't even asked me - she has just told my husband that's what she's doing. AIBU to say I don't want people staying here whilst we are away?! I wouldn't dream of inviting myself to her house whilst she was away on holiday, let alone any Tom Dick or Harry I could also find to stay...

OP posts:

HedgehogHedgehog · 23/08/2016 16:07

YANBU id set boundaries now. You need to make it clear that you dont like this and she cant have other people there. Just be direct but calm and as polite as possible and dont get drawn into an argument. She might get the hump for a bit but you will probably be saving yourself years of power struggles if you set some ground rules clearly now. xxx

PaulInHolland · 23/08/2016 16:08

You are husband and wife. You decide jointly who should stay when in your house. Will your husband be able to say "no" to his DM?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/08/2016 16:08

Do you live in a city or holiday resort?

Is dh also miffed that his Mother has invited herself and friends?

Missgraeme · 23/08/2016 16:14

Leave a 'welcome to the hotel' brochure and rustle up some prices per room etc leave it in the hallway. Or just tell her to f off.
Last option more preferable.

Original poster

arrrgggghhhh · 23/08/2016 16:17

Thanks for quick responses. Needing to set boundaries isn't my strong point. DH and I have been together 14 years and it's only the last year I've plucked up the courage to tell HIM I find her hard work. There are soooooo many incidents like this I have let slide. DH's dad died about 5 years ago and she has got progressively more controlling in this time but I felt sorry for her as understand the sadness and grief has changed her as a person. But now I just can't take anymore as realise it could potentially ruin the lovely relationship I have with DH. He said he will tell her that I don't feel comfortable with other people staying here whilst we are away. We live in a fairly remote area surrounded by fields... I can kind of understand why she might want to stay as it is relaxing here but not to invite other people - I find it rude! X

OP posts:

itsmeyouknow · 23/08/2016 16:21

OP do you live in a holiday destination? Why is MIL wanting to play house / host at yours?

Original poster

arrrgggghhhh · 23/08/2016 16:24

missgraeme not a bad idea. I was already thinking of leaving a letter in one of the draws marked PRIVATE - stating that either a) DH had an illegitimate child
b) that we are both in a serious amount of debt.
She is constantly asking how much our bills are / how much we earn. When she comes over even for the day I catch her snooping in draws. If DH ever had any post going to her address (like an old bank account) she brings it to us opened!!! Then has the nerve to say "oh there's a grand in this account I bet you didn't know about, that will come in handy". I feel like saying of course we bloody know about it that's why it's gone to your address! I know she wouldn't be able to resist opening a letter marked private or confidential. There are seriously so many issues - I feel like a fool writing some of them down and not having done anything about them until now.

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 23/08/2016 16:31

He said he will tell her that we don't feel comfortable with people staying here whilst we are away...and that includes her.

I've amended that for you. She doesn't get to unilaterally decide who sleeps at your house whilst you are away? Has she got a key? If so, get it back or change the barrel before you go. Bloody cheek of it.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/08/2016 16:35

After your second post you and dh need to make it clear she isn't using your house as the base for her and her friends to have a party and relax.

Original poster

arrrgggghhhh · 23/08/2016 16:44

Yes she has a key. I told DH that I would give it to her. I made sure I said "we have got you a key for emergencies" ... Surprise surprise the next time she came round she let herself in without knocking. DH asked her to not use it if we were in, incase we were otherwise engaged then went on to say that the milkman had caught me in the buff earlier that week. My DH treads on egg shells around her and in turn so do I. My SIL has the same problem with her and nobody seems to want to upset the milk cart. I need to grow a pair don't I?! It's just my DH always has a way of justifying what she does. Having more than one person on here agree with me has pretty much been the confirmation I needed. Thank you ladies X

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 23/08/2016 16:45

Just agreeing with Doreen as you sound as. If you might need to be supported in this.

DH should, after discussing with you, explain that it is not convenient for us. If she has a key, change the locks. Sorted.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/08/2016 16:48

Does she own your house? Does she pay your mortgage/rent? Is her name on the title deeds? If none of the above, then she doesn't get to TELL you that she'll be using YOUR home when she feels like it, and inviting her friends over as well. No!

Change the locks. It's not expensive if you have normal Yale locks on the door - you only need to buy new barrel and keys from a DIY place. And then fgs DON'T give her a new one!

girlywhirly · 23/08/2016 16:48

MIL should not tell anyone that she is taking over their home in this way. Bereavement doesn't rob people of their ability to ask politely if you would mind, and accept with good grace if you say no. Seriously bad manners on her behalf. DH should tell her that neither of you want strangers staying in your home while you are away. She might know them, but you don't know how trustworthy they are. Tell her it will affect your home insurance. Think about changing your locks if MIL has a key.

SapphireStrange · 23/08/2016 16:53

I need to grow a pair don't I?

In the nicest possible way, yes you do!

Fuck's sake. She doesn't get to invite herself to people's houses .

Tell her and your husband at the same time that she is not staying. Get her key back before you go. Don't ask; tell her 'I need the key back.' Don't get into whys; just repeat yourself. If she refuses, change the locks.

Then arrange for someone to look after your dog for your whole holiday. Again, SHE does not dictate how you look after your pets!

And put clean sheets on the bed.

And tell your husband to fucking grow some, too.

We can deal with the letter-opening etc when you're back.

228agreenend · 23/08/2016 16:56

So your MIL wants to stay at your house, with her dog and aprtner, and have people over to stay! No, No, No, No, No!

You and your husband have to say no and enforce it. If she disagrees, or you think she will stay behind your back, then get the locks changed pronto and don't give her a key.

JudyCoolibar · 23/08/2016 16:56

Next time you go away, make sure you arrange house and dogsitters before you say anything to MIL, and then make it clear to her that the house won't be available for her.

SapphireStrange · 23/08/2016 16:57

Bollocks to next time. It's not available to her THIS TIME.

girlywhirly · 23/08/2016 16:58

Oh, and opening mail addressed to someone other than herself, without their explicit permission, is a criminal offence. Tell her she's lucky you didn't report her. You should give serious consideration to a lockable filing cabinet for keeping private stuff away from her prying eyes. Get a metal one, tell her it's in case of fire to protect important documents.

mineallmine · 23/08/2016 16:58

I wouldn't want anyone staying in my house when I wasn't there, including mil. A few years I ago, we were on holidays and mil and fil stayed in our house because they needed to be near a hospital for fil to attend (otherwise I would have said no when she asked.) mil phoned one evening to pass along a phone msg and casually mentioned that a friend was coming to stay for a couple of days. I said no, sorry, it's my house and you're welcome to stay, welcome to have someone over for tea or a drink but no overnight guests. She was miffed but I really didn't care. I wouldn't dream of doing this in someone's house.

Time to start drawing lines in the sand, OP.

SapphireStrange · 23/08/2016 17:01

tell her it's in case of fire to protect important documents.

I'd just tell her it's because she can't be trusted not to snoop.

gillybeanz · 23/08/2016 17:04

No way would her behaviour lasted more than a day with me
Your dh shouldn't be saying that YOU have a problem with people staying he should be telling her under no circumstances.
Change the locks, no more keys, unanounced holidays and ffs take control of your life.
Why does he have post go to her house when you have been together for 14 years.
Tell her to mind her own business if she asks personal questions. It's not going to be easy because you have encouraged her to behave this way by not doing something straight away and do you accept your dh behaviour of blaming you when he is being a wimp.

RandomMess · 23/08/2016 17:05

Actually your DH needs to get some balls to - why is it because you would feel uncomfortable? Neither of you seem happy about her behaviour and he needs to communicate that to her, not put the blame on you!

Original poster

arrrgggghhhh · 23/08/2016 17:06

sapphirestrange I know. My mum is sick of me moaning about MIL and says I need my head looking at for letting it get this far. She also likes to point out that I wouldn't put up with this behaviour off anyone else. I think the fact that MIL is so brazen with what she does it kind of throws me off at the time. On several occasions she has commented on furniture placement in my house. Each time I explain I like it where it is. After she leaves I find she has moved it the tiniest, minutest amount - probably hoping that I wouldn't notice. I will spend 10 minutes arranging flowers whilst talking to her - go out of the room and when I come back she is messing with them. It's constant. She called one morning at around 7am to say she wanted to bring friends (that we didn't know) around the house when DD was 6 months old and I said no it wasn't convenient and that I had plans that day. I was also ill - running late and had to leave the house in a mess. She then called DH to ask him. She tries to constantly play us off against each other.

OP posts:

JellyBelli · 23/08/2016 17:06

Change the locks, say no, and get a dog sitter. Kennels cost a fortune arnd are more stressful for your dog.

Just do it!

SirVixofVixHall · 23/08/2016 17:08

Good grief- she snoops in drawers? Absolutely no way would I have anyone who did this to stay in my house while I was away. And inviting other people along is beyond rude. Change the locks. Say you don't like strangers in your house (perfectly reasonable). She has no manners whatsoever!

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