Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Controlling MIL

88 replies

arrrgggghhhh · 23/08/2016 16:04

Going on holiday for over a week and MIL has invited herself & partner to stay. She only wants to stay for 3 days so haven't been able to ask someone to house / dog sit for the whole time we are away. Our dog has now had to go elsewhere so he can be cared for for the entire duration our holiday. DH told me she had also invited some of her friends to come over during one of the three days but apparently they can't make it. She now wants to invite some other friends and have them stay overnight. I was planning on clean sheets etc for our bed before we go away as we get back late on the night - I'm pregnant and have a 18 month old. Part of the issue is that she hasn't even asked me - she has just told my husband that's what she's doing. AIBU to say I don't want people staying here whilst we are away?! I wouldn't dream of inviting myself to her house whilst she was away on holiday, let alone any Tom Dick or Harry I could also find to stay...

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 23/08/2016 17:59

definitely think she's trying to push me to see how far she can

Well, let this be the moment you have been pushed too far then.

Change the locks, get yourself and husband a new key each and just don't tell her. When she rages at you for changing the locks tell her 'you just won't be told, you were not even looking after the dog and I do not want you snooping in my house any longer. Get it?'

abbsismyhero · 23/08/2016 18:05

Change the locks don't tell dh can you switch out his keys without him noticing? Sod off on holiday and wait for the screams

abbsismyhero · 23/08/2016 18:06

Turn off your phone so he has both barrels

PotteringAlong · 23/08/2016 18:12

There was a thread, possibly years ago now, when the OP got the forms to emigrate to Australia, filled them in and left them in a drawer for controlling MiL to find when snooping, knowing she wouldn't be able to resist mentioning it and then would be caught out. You could do that!

JudyCoolibar · 23/08/2016 18:15

How on earth does your DH manage to stand up the argument that you're the one with the problem if his mother is snooping amongst your private things, and inviting people to your house without asking you? There is no basis on which any of that is justifiable conduct.

RaspberryOverload · 23/08/2016 18:18

Judy The DH's problem is that he grew up with her behaviour so it's normal to him, and he needs it spelling out that this is NOT decent behaviour.

Haworthiia · 23/08/2016 18:23

Change the locks. Don't bother asking for your keys back

My parents are very respectful of privacy. Mil and pil are rummagers.

You must, must, must get your dh on side here. I've always shrugged off a lot of mil's antics but recently the critical commentary got too much and started to involve Ds. Not ok. Dh took them aside while I was out and calmly told them that it was unacceptable and needed to stop.

Whether it will stop permanently is another matter, but it's so important that you and dh are a united front here.

Lay down some boundaries. Change the locks. no one you don't trust completely should have a key to your house
If you let her stay she will have people round. That's just so far beyond the pale. ..

Original poster
arrrgggghhhh · 23/08/2016 18:34

abbsismyhero omg she would probably fly out to our hotel!! raspberry exactly. He has grown up with it and hasn't noticed the increase in unreasonable behaviour. As I said, in the last year I have plucked up the courage to start telling DH about her behaviour and specific incidents but it's his mother and it doesn't bother him as much - just as it prob wouldn't bother me if it was my mum. But the difference is my mum would never ever invade my privacy let alone my husbands. If she did I would tell her to sort her shit out and she would take it graciously.

OP posts:
Pineappletastic · 23/08/2016 19:37

Tell her sorry, but you need a dog/house sitter for the whole time, so your house is now unavailable as THEY will be staying.

And change the locks.

My mother would pull this shit if I let her. She has to have boundaries constantly reinforced. Just today I had to say 'Don't speak to me like that or you won't be visiting at all'. It's exhausting sometimes but the alternatives are worse.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/08/2016 19:45

You would be doing her a kindness to say "No" firmly and unapologetically to anything, however small, that you do not like.

That's because she only stops when you firmly put your foot down. She will escalate until you crack and make her stop. That's horrible for everyone.

If you let her escalate to having a party in your house while you are away that would either ruin her relationship with DH or yours with him.

Telling her no and changing the locks is far easier in the long run.

If he's still deep in the FOG then you can do him a favour by being the bad guy for now. No fake excuses, no lies, "MIL, having thought it through more, I have decided you cannot stay here while we are away. You will have to make other plans."

TheInimitableMrsFanshawe · 23/08/2016 20:08

OP I started to get the willies reading this because a lot of it could be MIL. I was FUMING last time dh agreed she could stay ashen I had said previously never again. It was presented to me as a fair accompli. I made it clear they were not to be here as we left if when we returned. You can guess who was waiting for us as we pulled up outside.

It then emerged she had been going into our bedroom every night on the pretext of closing the curtains (what for is not clear, when they weren't staying in our room) and I nearly lost my shit. Fortunately dh had had the good sense to lock our filing cabinet, that will have pissed her off no end. You would think the fact that he felt it necessary to do so, unprompted by me, would have told him whether it was a good idea to let get stay in the first place...

coconutpie · 23/08/2016 20:09

Do not let her stay.

Change the locks. Tomorrow.

yumamumma · 23/08/2016 20:33

theinimitable oh gawd yes that's sounding familiar. How is your relationship with your MIL? I'm looking at all these suggestions of changing the locks but it's just not something I would actually do. Im more likely to just have a Tourette's style out burst and just put he final nail in our relationship. Oh it's so horrible.

ArmfulOfRoses · 23/08/2016 20:34

Really don't bother asking for your key back, she will have had a copy made.

scootinFun · 23/08/2016 20:48

Time to install locks on the interior doors?

Lonnysera · 23/08/2016 21:50

What are "party favours"? I'm guessing we're not in the realm of sugared almonds...

BlueLeopard · 24/08/2016 09:24

Is this the Aussie Visa thread?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/822930-I-couldn-39-t-find-any-offal-to-put-in

PotteringAlong · 24/08/2016 09:35

Yes! I tried to find it and couldn't! I can't believe it was 7 years ago though...Blush

yumamumma · 24/08/2016 10:50

Thanks for finding this out for me. Found out that DH messaged her yesterday saying I don't want anyone staying in our bed. He can't understand why I'm annoyed at
A) he's just said me instead of we
B) he's used the bed as the issue
I have just text her saying I know what DH messaged her and just wanted to clarify that I'm not overly precious about the bed, and it's more the fact I'm not comfortable with people staying in my house when I'm not here. DH said he hasn't got a problem with anyone staying when his mother is here and that's why he didn't say we. I can see she has read my message but no reply.

yumamumma · 24/08/2016 10:51

Sorry just to clarify had to name change as for some reason wouldn't log on?!

SirVixofVixHall · 24/08/2016 11:40

I'm another one slightly baffled at "party favours" . I imagined either a stripey paper bag full of penny sweets, a pencil, and a whistle, or a little tulle cone full of sugared almonds.

SapphireStrange · 24/08/2016 11:43

Fuck's sake, OP. Your DH needs a kick up the arse.

SirVixofVixHall · 24/08/2016 11:46

But back to the Monster-in-Law. Your DH does need to back you up, and I would not allow her to stay in your house at all while you are away. She is so appallingly rude to you that I wouldn't worry at all about offending her. Change the locks. Tell her you needed to "for the insurance" or something if you feel you need an excuse, and DON'T give her another key. I would really hate strangers in my house in the "care" of someone who rifles through drawers, as would 99.9% of the population I imagine. She has no respect for you at all, and she never will have unless you put your foot down and assert yourself over your own space. Your DH is being a bit of a sap, probably for a quiet life, but it will only make things worse in the long term unless it is addressed now.

yumamumma · 24/08/2016 12:02

Lets not get into party favours ... It was another life and can't think of anything worse now a days. MIL is rude. I've just taken it for so long that I've made a rod for my own back. She still hasn't messaged back so guessing this is the start of a new dawn.

SapphireStrange · 24/08/2016 12:10

Are you getting your locks changed today then, OP?! Wink

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.