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AIBU?

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Original poster

Controlling MIL

88 replies

arrrgggghhhh · 23/08/2016 16:04

Going on holiday for over a week and MIL has invited herself & partner to stay. She only wants to stay for 3 days so haven't been able to ask someone to house / dog sit for the whole time we are away. Our dog has now had to go elsewhere so he can be cared for for the entire duration our holiday. DH told me she had also invited some of her friends to come over during one of the three days but apparently they can't make it. She now wants to invite some other friends and have them stay overnight. I was planning on clean sheets etc for our bed before we go away as we get back late on the night - I'm pregnant and have a 18 month old. Part of the issue is that she hasn't even asked me - she has just told my husband that's what she's doing. AIBU to say I don't want people staying here whilst we are away?! I wouldn't dream of inviting myself to her house whilst she was away on holiday, let alone any Tom Dick or Harry I could also find to stay...

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 23/08/2016 17:11

Change the locks and tell her no. She is seriously taking the piss. If you do let her come, put visa application for moving to Australia in your bedside drawer and watch her sweat.

Original poster
arrrgggghhhh · 23/08/2016 17:12

judicoolibar she "booked in" (her words) the day after we booked this holiday 5 months ago! I thought OK well at least we have someone to look after the dog. It was only 3 weeks ago she started saying she couldn't look after the dog as would only be here for 3 days. She did what she usually does and tries to make the whole situation much more stressful "well I can come pick him up this day, drive him to my house, drive back to yours and then maybe one of your brothers can have him toward the end". It would have involved her staying over the night before we fly out early in the morning so I just said no we will have a friend look after him. I'm getting stressed just writing his. Angry

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 23/08/2016 17:12

Again in the nicest way, OP, I agree with your mum! Grin

I do know what you mean about brazenness; it does throw a person if someone just totally blatantly does something outrageous.

When she comments on anything, like furniture placement, don't react by defending yourself; just nod and smile blandly and change the subject. Sort of like saying 'That's nice dear' to a child who you're not really paying attention to. She just wants a reaction; if you play it cool you won't be entertaining or feeding her.

Re: playing you and DH off against each other, your DH needs to step up next time and just say 'If arr says something isn't convenient (or whatever), you can assume that I agree.' United front!

Now, have you got your key back and rearranged the dog-sitting yet...

Berthatydfil · 23/08/2016 17:14

I remember a thread where the op out some filled in Australian visa forms in a drawer as she suspected MIL was snooping. Perhaps you could do something similar together with a copy of an email saying how your mil is taking over your lives so you are considering moving to the other side of the world

SapphireStrange · 23/08/2016 17:16

she "booked in" (her words)

To borrow from Malcolm Tucker, she can book the fuck out again.

RortyCrankle · 23/08/2016 17:19

I suggest you send off for papers re emigrating to Australia and leave them on the coffee table/bedside table. Give her a nice little shock Smile

And change locks on your return from holiday.

Original poster
arrrgggghhhh · 23/08/2016 17:19

sirvixofvixhall that was nothing ... A few years ago (shortly after DH's dads death) she came to stay asked if she could have a shower and use shampoo/ etc. I said of course - it was all in the shower. The next thing I know I hear the hairdryer going and realise she had gone through all of my chest of drawers - starting from the bottom. Hairdryer was in he top. Well suffice to say my underwear draw was at the bottom and on the top was a bag of party favours (again, this was many moons ago before DC) and a rampant rabbit. She left the bottom drawer wide open so that I knew she knew and clearly disapproved. My DH said why would you leave drugs / dildo there and I had to explain that I wasnt expect his mother to go through my underwear draw. Blush

OP posts:
JudyCoolibar · 23/08/2016 17:19

she "booked in" (her words) the day after we booked this holiday 5 months ago!

So next time, just don't tell her you've booked until just before you go.

Hepzibar · 23/08/2016 17:20

Bertha I remember that thread!

SapphireStrange · 23/08/2016 17:20

My DH said why would you leave drugs / dildo there

As ever on this kind of thread, it's not only/so much a MIL problem as a DH problem...

Original poster
arrrgggghhhh · 23/08/2016 17:23

LOVE the oz idea. I've been several times before so would be much more believable than DH having a secret child. I was going for ultimate shock factor. I do usually play it cool when she rearranges stuff, comments, snoops and I think that's been my problem. My mum said I should just put a note in the draw saying "nosey fucker"

OP posts:
Inertia · 23/08/2016 17:24

Well, the dog has made it easier for you to say no.

You just need to say to MIL that as she is no longer able to look after the dog, there's no need for her to stay at all.

And then change the locks. And tell her that you've changed the locks the day before you go.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/08/2016 17:28

Oh dear OP. Sounds like a child who desperately wants to have proper boundaries. She is ramping up and up to see where you crack. I am intrigued myself. How far does she have to go?

Here's a list of escalations. Each of these would have made anyone else say, "oh no you're not". You two rolled over to each increasingly outrageous demand.

  • Announcing she is staying at yours while you are on holiday. Fail, you don't say no.

  • Next, 3 days. 3 days so haven't been able to ask someone to house / dog sit for the whole time we are away. Our dog has now had to go elsewhere so he can be cared for for the entire duration our holiday. Fail, you don't say no. In fact, you go to considerable trouble to meet her unreasonable demand.

  • Next, friends too, but only during the day. she had also invited some of her friends to come over during one of the three days. Fail, you still don't say no.

  • but apparently they can't make it. Yeah, right. You didn't take the bait. You still didn't say no. (They were never invited, or they are reasonable people and they said, "no way!")

  • She now wants to invite some other friends and have them stay overnight. This is getting hilarious. You still haven't told her to get to fuck.

  • Next she's going to sleep in your bed! I was planning on clean sheets etc for our bed before we go away as we get back late on the night Should I tell her to get to fuck now crosses your mind. But you still don't do it.

No further escalation has happened. But she has a key. That she has already used wrongly and you let her keep it Surprise surprise the next time she came round she let herself in without knocking.

Assuming you are too whipped to both say no and change the locks, I am ashamed to say I can't wait to hear how far she goes when you are away. Rearrange every cupboard? Cancel your direct debits? Throw out your baby stuff?

Stop the madness. Give the poor woman the boundaries she is so desperately seeking. Enforce them.

BlueLeopard · 23/08/2016 17:28

Yep. You need to read the Aussie Visa thread. And take notes. I'll see if I can dig it out...

Inertia · 23/08/2016 17:28

I wouldn't have anyone to stay who goes through my personal possessions - and I would tell her why.

I must be hopelessly naive, as I was wondering how anyone could disapprove of a plastic bag containing a squashed piece of cake, whistle, bouncy ball and a Curlywurly.

chicknquack · 23/08/2016 17:36

If I knew someone went through my drawers and snooped then they would not be in my house without me ever again and would not have a key. Ditto the arranging furniture and inviting guests.

I agree you have a doormat and a DH problem. I would not ask for the key back, she will just make a copy, I would change the locks.

JonahAndTheSale · 23/08/2016 17:36

I wouldn't allow this.

Hugs backstory but I'm nc with my MIL.

One of the things she did in the past was have a party in our house when we weren't there. Not was supposed to be her staying to look after the dog.

We arrived home early and there was a random person in our bedroom 'looking for the wifi code' Hmm

chicknquack · 23/08/2016 17:39

If you can't (for whatever reason ?!) cancel her "visit" then I would do like your mum says and put a note saying "it is rude to snoop" in your drawers.

JudyCoolibar · 23/08/2016 17:39

My mum said I should just put a note in the drawer saying "nosey fucker"

Absolutely do this!

But, to be honest, I think you would be totally justified in telling your MIL now that she is NOT staying in your house ever again because of her conduct in nosing through your drawers.

Original poster
arrrgggghhhh · 23/08/2016 17:43

runrabbitrunrabbit I know, I'm ashamed of myself. It's hard because when I mention things she does to DH (he is never there when this kind of thing happens) he just makes me feel like I'M the one with the problem. His ignorance to the whole thing hugely stems from the death of his father. My DH is really amazing and this is the one little niggle in our relationship so really don't want him to get a bashing - I can see why he would. I have to say since the last major issue we had involving driving, my relationship hasn't been the same with her. I think she knows there is a problem on my part with her behaviour and definitely think she's trying to push me to see how far she can.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 23/08/2016 17:48

I wonder if your DFIL used to control these 'tendencies' in his wife? If so point out to your DH that it's his job to do that now.

SapphireStrange · 23/08/2016 17:49

when I mention things she does to DH (he is never there when this kind of thing happens) he just makes me feel like I'M the one with the problem.

If he is amazing, then it won't be a problem when you tell him kindly but firmly that no, you're not the one with the problem, and you need his support.

rollonthesummer · 23/08/2016 17:52

Why Sre they even staying of they're not looking after your dog? Your DH needs to ring and say neither of you are happy with them inviting people round (not just that YOU aren't happy).

Next time-don't tell them when you are going away at all!

Cherrysoup · 23/08/2016 17:54

Get the key back and tell her to fuck off. Next time, get a mate to housesit and look after the dog.

RaspberryOverload · 23/08/2016 17:57

girlywhirly Tue 23-Aug-16 16:58:45

Oh, and opening mail addressed to someone other than herself, without their explicit permission, is a criminal offence.

Actually, it's not. It only becomes an offence if the person opening the letter intends to do something with it to the detriment of the person to whom it's addressed. As in this case MIL is simply nosying andthen giving the letter to OP/DH, it can't be classed as to their detriment.

It does, however, cross massive boundaries.

OP, you need to have a serious talk with your DH. He has to start putting up those boundaries. It might be his mum, but her behaviour is crossing serious boundaries. He's an adult; time to stop pandering to her.

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