To say no the more he asks?

[MrsFarm]

DH wants sex all.the.time. Every day he asks "can we do it tonight" - he works alot and I am always trying to get him to spend time with me and the DC, when he does take time off and we go out for a few hours, he sees this as browning points and asks will he be "rewarded" - he says it in a jokey manner but I know he really does expect it. The more he asks, the more pressure I feel under to perform and the more I can't even kiss him, as I feel he just wants a snog, which he hopes will turn into more. At the moment now he is at his horniest which is making him ask me on a daily basis for a kiss/snog etc...it so annoying! I love him, but when he gets like this I can't even be near him, as I know he will pull me in for a big sloppy one....

Your husband gropes you and sulks when you stop him. You are happy to post that and annoyed with everyones answers, so I'm curious what you actually want from this thread?

Of course people in loving relationships don't ask permission every time they kiss each other or have a hug. However, if they know the other person doesn't want it, at that point it is inappropriate and persisting can indeed be sexual assault. It's also inappropriate to try to pressurise the other person by going into a sulk. A grown-up shrugs his or her shoulders and gets on with life.

OP, you need a conversation with him about what a turn off it is if he tries to turn every kiss into a snog and every hug into a grope, and if he's constantly pressurising you into sex. And you also need to make it clear that sulking is just childish and even more of a turn-off. If he's feeling extra horny it's not your function to be constantly available as a receptacle for him; it's his problem alone.

What is it you want from this thread OP? How can we help you?

We can confirm that what he is doing is wrong and that you are perfectly normal and reasonable to resent it and to ask him to stop.

But we know from what you have said already that this doesn't change his behaviour so what is next for you?

You continue as you are or you change something.

Read a suggestion somewhere where ye take turns in deciding what's on. So one week you're the decider so can have kisses, cuddles in and out of bed. You decide. Following week it's his turn. ( hope he doesn't go to town on that).
Sometimes we have to be very strong and forceful to get what we want. I mean you. Lay down the law in a very strong way. He is out of order and l think most people would find it totally annoying.

"Does your husband say "please Anotheremma, can I touch your breast please? or Can i kiss you?"

This thread isn't about my husband and our relationship. But he doesn't grope me in my sleep. He doesn't randomly grab my breasts when I'm going about my day. In other words, he doesn't treat me like a blow up sex doll. And he most certainly doesn't sexually assault or harrass me.

Sorry to rub it in, but that's how a respectful husband behaves. And your husband is not behaving in a respectful way.

It seems that you don't like the replies so you're backtracking massively. But we're not stupid. We can read your earlier posts.

I do wonder why you started the thread if you really think there's nothing wrong with his behaviour.

It can be a huge shock to realise being treated that way isn't normal and everyone isn't dealing with it. Op was probably expecting a lot of people to moan about similar experiences with a 'shrug' attitude and is taken back. Obviously, I could be very wrong.

If this continues op, he's not listening to you or respecting you and you'll start to feel like nothing more than his property. It's quite often hidden behind 'sex addict', ' I just can't control myself round you' 'I just find you so sexy' when truth is he's only interested in getting his kicks and not caring about how it affects you.

Bloody hell, OP, it's as if someone else is writing your posts now! This was your original post:

H wants sex all.the.time. Every day he asks "can we do it tonight" - he works alot and I am always trying to get him to spend time with me and the DC, when he does take time off and we go out for a few hours, he sees this as browning points and asks will he be "rewarded" - he says it in a jokey manner but I know he really does expect it. The more he asks, the more pressure I feel under to perform and the more I can't even kiss him, as I feel he just wants a snog, which he hopes will turn into more. At the moment now he is at his horniest which is making him ask me on a daily basis for a kiss/snog etc...it so annoying! I love him, but when he gets like this I can't even be near him, as I know he will pull me in for a big sloppy one....

Why the rudeness to posters who responded to its content? It's your narrative.

I just can't see how having to sleep with your knees up to essentially 'protect' yourself is NOT sexual harassment/abuse. I had a DH like this. In other areas things were lovely, but gradually it became intolerable. Requests for sex that evening at6.30am, sulks when I'd say no, withdrawal of affection if sex not on the cards etcetc. So much of exactly the situation you're in. I left. It's only a year on, and being in a normal, respectful loving relationship that I'm fully comprehending quite how abused I was. I ended up HATING sex. Hated being touched in any way. Of course, it was 'only' because he 'fancied me' and had a high sex drive and loved me. 'Only' all of those things. Except time and time again if try to explain and he KNEW I didn't like being pestered or sulked at but kept on anyway. Because he didn't really care, it was his feelings that were paramount.

You're probably a bit further up the slope, but believe me - live with this for another few years and it'll destroy you. Funnily enough, since leaving, and since being with someone who totally respects my body, I've discovered I bloody love sex. And I love it when my boyfriend ambles past and gives my bum a squeeze because there are no predatory undertones, and I know if ever I asked him not to do something - he just wouldn't do it.

Please please, as hard as it is, see your situation for what it is.

bomfunk Such a good post. I would have thought it was absurd if someone had told me early on in our relationship that I was being sexually assaulted. It took me a few years to realise it for myself, and now I can't believe how much freer I feel without the sex pest in my bed.

OP, as much as you want to believe it, the replies you've had are not extreme, they are not disrespectful, they are not absurd. This is sexual assault. You are being sexually assaulted. It will not get better.

...should have said, it will not get better UNLESS you do something.

It's the really small things you notice after the fact too - like I always wore pjs to bed, never even thought about it. Now I sleep I various combinations of whatever I feel like, from fleecy pjs to starkers! Even after I'd DTD with ex-H I'd get dressed again. Having getting dressed or undressed in front of ex, because I felt I was being looked at, but in an uncomfortable way, like I didn't want to put the idea of sex into his mind. I walk around now in any state of dress/undress. The other day I was putting my bra on and my boyfriend said 'god you've got lovely tits' but it didn't have the creepy undertones of pressure or feeling letched over if you know what I mean.

I now recognise it was like clothing was a way I could 'protect' / own my body. I'd never /rarely cuddle up I bed, and I believed it was because that's just the way I was...again, now I've noticed half the time I'm draped over new, lovely man, or I'm spooned or spooning to vacuum levels. The bum squeeze in the kitchen example. Being able to give or re rice a big fat snog, or even a peck on the lips, at any time, without worrying (consciously or unconsciously) I'm giving 'signals'. It's difficult to explain because it's quite nuanced, and again, it's over a war later that some of these things are occurring to me.

Yep. I would NEVER kiss or hug him, even when I really needed comfort, because I knew it would lead to him hinting at sex and then sulking when I didn't want to.

Never ever slept naked, even when I was boiling.

Used to put a pillow between us, just like the OP does with her knees, to stop him groping me or pushing his erection against my back.

Used to make sure I was still reading when he came to bed, in the hope that he would be asleep before I was free for the hinting to start. Most of the time he would start groping while I was reading, but I still tried.

I also used to feel really icky after sex. Not to be too graphic but I would immediately have to clean myself, very well, before I felt better.

The funny thing is I posted about my ex cunt on someone else's post and a couple of posters said "God he sounds revolting". Obviously I knew better, until the scales fell from my eyes.

This isn't normal behaviour, you don't have to put up with it and he doesn't seem to respect you much

ice, and to everyone else who has put up with this shit. I wish I could send links to this thread and similar to ex-h. But of course, mumsnet was the root of all evil to him, he hated me coming on here and poo-poohed and ridiculed it. 'Coincidentally' enough though, it was mumsnet that have me the perspective and backbone to stop tolerating these and other behaviours of his.

So OP, despite all the posters who have described their similar experiences, who DO call it what it is - sexual abuse - me included, in your last post you are anxious to tell us how much you love him, what a great time you have etc so what was the point of your original post?

Do you honestly think its acceptable to have to go to sleep with your legs drawn up to your chest to prevent him groping you? It's beyond gross.

Your last post is so different - I hope your 'D'H hasn't taken over posting from you. If he has - I hope he learns something from this thread.

Your H is a sulking sex pest, what's to love about that?

I'm sure the OP won't be back.

I hope you're OK. I understand why you would leap to defend him (even though he does not deserve it :) ).

We're all just individuals posting our honest opinions, but of course it comes across as a mass onslaught to you.

It's ok to go away and think about it all for a while.

I suspect that his continual pestering and complete disregard for your boundaries is only going to make you even more angry and upset though, after seeing what everyone else thinks about it, and knowing that it's not right.

You can always name-change of you want to. I know you probably feel disinclined to come back - but the only reason people are reacting the way they are, is because they're so outraged on your behalf, and with what you're putting up with.

What the OP has read here will certainly stick with her, and I hope it's the beginning of the end for this sex pest. It certainly took me longer than a few weeks (the duration of a thread) to accept what was happening to me.