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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no the more he asks?

167 replies

MrsFarm · 23/08/2016 10:51

DH wants sex all.the.time. Every day he asks "can we do it tonight" - he works alot and I am always trying to get him to spend time with me and the DC, when he does take time off and we go out for a few hours, he sees this as browning points and asks will he be "rewarded" - he says it in a jokey manner but I know he really does expect it. The more he asks, the more pressure I feel under to perform and the more I can't even kiss him, as I feel he just wants a snog, which he hopes will turn into more. At the moment now he is at his horniest which is making him ask me on a daily basis for a kiss/snog etc...it so annoying! I love him, but when he gets like this I can't even be near him, as I know he will pull me in for a big sloppy one....

OP posts:
DrinkReprehensibly · 23/08/2016 13:13

My DH can slip into this a little bit but not quite so bad perhaps. Luckily for me, he's quite receptive to feedback.

When I start getting groped and getting (what he thinks is) cheeky chap comments like "why don't you just jump on" or trying to move my hand to his trouser area at inappropriate times, I have to remind him that it's a massive turn off for me. I want a husband who (at least half the time) will make love to me with passion rather than a teenage grope and a shag. I don't flat out refuse the random shag as it clearly works for him, but a reminder that it's not all about him and how he likes to do it, does help.

Little rules like no boob groping and full blown snogging outside of the bedroom have helped clarify the boundaries for him. Also, telling him that it's a turn off and makes it less likely to happen has also helped.

Sounds like you've tried quite a few things though. Sad

Gottagetmoving · 23/08/2016 13:14

Oh my God,.. 'Can we do it tonight?' Yuk! such a turn off.
It is about sex and not about love or passion for you.
I also hate the 'wanting to be 'rewarded' attitude.
My ex husband was like that. It really is a turn off. Some men are really ignorant about how to treat a partner when it comes to sex.

All you can do is explain to him that it IS a turn off and how it makes you feel.

carabos · 23/08/2016 13:18

Agree that this is totally unacceptable, but can also see that your responses aren't getting through to him. Have you tried playing possum? Every time he touches you, just don't respond at all, don't move, don't speak. Wait till it is over then carry on with what you were doing. He's an infant, so a reaction is what he is chasing - don't give it to him. I bet he'll stop cos it's no fun at all for him or you.

I realise this isn't ideal, but short of LTB or counselling I don't know what else to suggest apart from small electric shock or burn.

Gottagetmoving · 23/08/2016 13:22

If my DP asked if we could have sex tonight my answer would be how the hell do I know how I am going to feel tonight?
I can't understand the scheduling sex ahead for a certain day or time either.
Why does seduction go out of the window once people have been together a while or have kids?
My ex just did not understand it however much I spoke to him about it.
One of the reasons he became an ex.

iminshock · 23/08/2016 13:24

This is an incredibly common problem.
No idea of a solution

Memoires · 23/08/2016 13:24

Whateveryousay, were you born in the 19th century, or are you a man? You sound like either could be true. Do you also believe rape myths - she was asking for it, she shouldn't walk home alone, she shouldn't wear a short skirt, she had sex with him quite happily last night, etc?

iminshock · 23/08/2016 13:26

Have sex, he gets you a new pair of shoes .
As suggested right now on Loose Women

Latenightreader · 23/08/2016 13:43

I could have written this a decade ago about my then boyfriend. Every time we were alone in a room (even if someone just popped out to put the kettle on) he'd shrug as if to say "being forced into this!" and try to pounce. It put me off so much that my skin crawled every time he was near me and eventually I finished things. I am sure this is part of the reason I've mostly steered clear of relationships since then...

TheSparrowhawk · 23/08/2016 13:45

See, I naively thought that the type of man who would happily have sex with a woman who he knows is just submitting in order to get shoes/stop him from sulking/get him to spend time with his family was quite rare. Clearly I was wrong.

How on earth can a person enjoy sex with someone who clearly doesn't want it? And what's the difference between pestering someone into sex they don't want and just holding them down to rape them?

NickiFury · 23/08/2016 13:56

I read threads like this about having to manage these awful men and know I will be happy to be single forever. I can't ever risk getting involved with one of these again.

themoomah · 23/08/2016 13:57

Christ, are you married to my exH, OP? He was endlessly like this, treated me like a piece of meat. He even yelled at me once that he had rights and I had responsibilities because I was his wife. Thank God I saw the light. OP you have my deepest sympathies.

Original poster
MrsFarm · 23/08/2016 14:16

Can I just confirm that I never just give in and have sex if I don't want to/feel pressured to do so. And a new pair of shoes is never on the table as an exchange for sex

OP posts:
IceRoadDucker · 23/08/2016 14:19

I left a man who was like this. I was afraid to hug him, even when I really needed it, because I knew it would turn into groping and pressing his erection against me. I can't think of anything more of a turn off than that. When I said no, he would sulk.

It's not okay, OP. I'm so much happier without him. You wouldn't believe how glorious it is to go to bed knowing I won't be getting any hints or leading questions.

RortyCrankle · 23/08/2016 14:20

I have massive sympathy for you OP. You must sort him out or it will affect your relationship long term.

I had a partner like this - always trying to grope bits of my body, boobs etc. I tried explaining what seemed like hundreds of times that what he was doing was a huge turn off and I ended up not wanting sex with him at all much. Obviously that couldn't continue so I wrote him a letter explaining exactly how I felt when he behaved this way - that I didn't feel like a loved and desirable woman, quite the reverse, it made me feel like he only wanted to be with me as a convenient vagina for him to use when it suited him and that if it didn't stop our relationship would be over.

He was really shocked and calmed down a lot for a while but gradually slipped back into his old ways so I kicked him out.

It may be worth trying a letter, which I hope works out for you.

Fairenuff · 23/08/2016 14:31

Of course he requires consent, But this seems like how he initiates it.

But he has been told not to so he does not have consent to grope OP as a way of initiating. Can't you see that?

JessicaEccles · 23/08/2016 14:50

'But he has been told not to so he does not have consent to grope OP as a way of initiating. Can't you see that?'

And- perhaps naievely- I was thinking of him asking consent as in BEFORE starting the groping. I mean, if you fancy a complete stranger, grabbing their tits is still seen as quite rude, without an invitation. Perhaps his wife would like the same courtesy?

TheyCallMeBell · 23/08/2016 14:54

My ex did this. He also didn't get it when I told him it was turn off for me. It makes my skin crawl just to think about it.

I'd suggest sitting him down one last time and explaining very clearly what is going to happen if he doesn't stop doing this. He will make you resent and avoid him. If he doesn't sort it out, I'd be leaving if I were you.

Gottagetmoving · 23/08/2016 15:21

OP doesn't want to leave him. She wants to know how to resolve this without leaving him.
If its not possible to get it through to him by talking then suggest counselling.

Memoires · 23/08/2016 16:06

Coerced consent is not consent.

Original poster
MrsFarm · 23/08/2016 17:37

I'm not leaving him over this! Just because he is a horny f*cker. I love him, he is my husband and father of my two children who also love him dearly.

I'm just sick of him wanting it all the time and some times it gets really bad (like now)

Coerced concent...:I'm never coerced into it, which is why we are having this problem because I am not giving into him, by having sex whenever he wants

OP posts:
RichardBucket · 23/08/2016 18:00

Someone who loves you dearly wouldn't be doing this.

lazyarse123 · 23/08/2016 18:02

My husband used to be like this about one particular sex act (no details) and I wouldn't do it despite all the "go on you'll like it, just try it once" I gave in once and absolutely hated it. Then it was "well you've done it once you might as well do it again". Unfortunately I was abused as a child, he did know this. I eventually had to tell him he made me feel exactly the same as my abuser did. He was absolutely mortified and never asked again. I know it was drastic but I had to stop him. Everything is fine now. Our sex is and always has been good apart from that one issue.

Gottagetmoving · 23/08/2016 18:06

Someone who loves you dearly wouldn't be doing this

I disagree. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love her.He just doesn't get that it's a problem being persistent in this way. To him it's normal. He needs re educating.
Some people are really that daft.

RichardBucket · 23/08/2016 18:07

Gottagetmoving I don't buy that at all. This isn't "daft" and it isn't a lack of education, it's fucking disgusting and any decent person knows it.

Mojito7 · 23/08/2016 18:19

OP - just wondering, seeing as you say you're always trying to get him to join you in family time, how much time do you and your DH get as a couple - eg. going out for dinner together or for a walk, just the two of you?

One of the lifesavers in our relationship (because my DH is basically a workaholic and we have 3 DC) is that he has always been adamant that there's no reason to stop taking me on dates just because we're married. So we prioritise this and it's so important to us in staying connected. Just try and do something every week.

There was no doubt a time when you first met when your DH would have behaved in a more respectful way towards you. It's easy to take each other for granted if you're not very careful - stressful jobs and parenting can get in the way of the connection you once had. I'm sure you can get it back. Try being a couple again, as well as a family, and he may well calm down.