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Original poster

To say no the more he asks?

167 replies

MrsFarm · 23/08/2016 10:51

DH wants sex all.the.time. Every day he asks "can we do it tonight" - he works alot and I am always trying to get him to spend time with me and the DC, when he does take time off and we go out for a few hours, he sees this as browning points and asks will he be "rewarded" - he says it in a jokey manner but I know he really does expect it. The more he asks, the more pressure I feel under to perform and the more I can't even kiss him, as I feel he just wants a snog, which he hopes will turn into more. At the moment now he is at his horniest which is making him ask me on a daily basis for a kiss/snog etc...it so annoying! I love him, but when he gets like this I can't even be near him, as I know he will pull me in for a big sloppy one....

OP posts:
CafeCremeMerci · 23/08/2016 18:34

An ex was like that

It's not nice, it's not flattering, it's not going to end in sex. It's just horrible - you just end up feeling like a living sex toy.

Despite being told it just made me feel like any boobs & vagina would do and that I felt USED not desired he didn't stop.

He was binned

I appreciate you don't want to separate over this, but you need to make him realise how serious it is, because otherwise there will
come a time when you do think it's worth separating over.

NameChange30 · 23/08/2016 18:39

"The other night he woke me three times during the night by groping me, he said he has no recollection of it - it just comes so naturally to him now."

That's sexual assault.

"He touches my breasts EVERY chance he gets."

That's sexual harassment.

And sulking if you don't agree to sex is sexual coercion.

All these behaviours combined, as a pattern of behaviour that is repeated over time and not just a one-off, are indicative of sexual abuse.

I'm not joking and I'm not exaggerating.

Please, please get this thread moved to Relationships, where you will get excellent advice and fewer fucking idiots ill-informed people telling you that you should be your husband's sex slave. You shouldn't.

AnyFucker · 23/08/2016 18:43

These threads certainly bring out the handmaidens from behind the woodwork

Bluechip · 23/08/2016 18:52

OP I'm sorry - it's rotten. I had an ex like this who was a good guy but pawed me at every given opportunity and genuinely didn't get I found it irritating not flattering.

You say you've tried talking to him - what was the situation? Was it a chat when you were both feeling tired and frustrated? Can you sit down properly and tell him how you feel on an afternoon or evening out without the kids around? I think you need to impress upon him that this isn't 'a game' for you, where he asks, you say no, he sulks - it's genuinely upsetting and off putting. Tell him that if he can't try and understand that then you're insisting that you look at couple's counselling because this is so important. It is important and he needs to realise that.

LineyReborn · 23/08/2016 18:55

Every jury in a trial involving sexual assault includes a handmaiden or two, hence the pathetic conviction rates.

AnyFucker · 23/08/2016 19:00

Indeed. All part of the same spectrum innit.

ThomasHardyPerennial · 23/08/2016 19:38

I have had similar problems with my Dh. I sympathise op, and I understand how you feel. We had some tough discussions, and decided to work through it. It is possible, and you deserve to be happy.

My dh and I have been together since our teens, were long-distance for a few years, and it felt like our sexual relationship hadn't grown with us if that makes sense.

Of course it's nice to feel wanted, but you shouldn't have to constantly be on your guard around him. Your body is your own, and you decide when he touches you - not him. Agree with pps that the time he spends with your family shouldn't need to be rewarded. He only sounds interested in seeking his own pleasure at the moment.

anyhue · 23/08/2016 20:44

OP, that is a really difficult situation for you, it must be terrible. Seems like your partner is just not listening to you.

There are so many thread recently on mismatch between sex desire of partners, neither partner is happy.

Many years ago I was engaged to a wonderful DP, he was kind, funny, attractive, etc. Even though things were OK at the start, over a year or two it was very clear he had little interest in sex. It took a long time to face up to the fact that we wanted very different things in that department. Luckily we split up before marriage, kids, etc. Looking back it was the best thing for both of us.

I really hope you can work things out, but that requires listening from your partner. At the end of the day you have to decide the importance/role of sex in your relationship ... and decide it you can make it work together, or just move on sooner rather than later.

JellyBelli · 23/08/2016 21:04

Sulking is coercive. He's not being nice, or flattering. Far from it.
There is only one way to do it in oyur relatuionship. there is no foreplay, no play, no fun. Its all about him and what he wants.
Can you persuade him to go for couples counselling?

binkiesandpopcorns · 23/08/2016 21:29

Someone who loves you dearly wouldn't be doing this

"I disagree. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love her.He just doesn't get that it's a problem being persistent in this way. To him it's normal. He needs re educating.
Some people are really that daft"

Completely disagree. OP has told him that she doesn't like him doing it, but he still punishes her when she refuses. That isn't daft. That's inherently selfish. He doesnt give a shit about the OP's feelings Sad

Original poster
MrsFarm · 23/08/2016 21:30

Jellybelli - when we do do it he is very attentive in that department. I actually get more out of it than him!
AnotherEmma - this is not sexual assault. Please don't refer to it as that again. It's a over horny husband. And you calling it sexual assault is just ridiculous.

OP posts:
binkiesandpopcorns · 23/08/2016 21:31

punishes her by sulking that should have said

crunched · 23/08/2016 21:33

Mysterycat23

Spot on I think

PuntasticUsername · 23/08/2016 21:42

Sorry but it IS sexual assault, and you not wanting to face that fact doesn't change it.

He touches you sexually when he knows full well you don't want him to. There is nothing else to call it.

AnyFucker · 23/08/2016 21:45

MrsF, you may not call what you are undergoing sexuality assault but the law says otherwise

Coercive control is a crime. Yes, even within marriage.

If your husband did this to another woman he would be arrested. If you chose to, you could have him arrested for doing it to you.

Now of course you think we are overstating the case. You know your husband best. But why isn't he taking any notice of you ? Why does he think he owns your body ? Why does he ignore your clear signals that you are not enjoying his "advances" ? What would you call any other man that got something out of pushing a woman into sexual contact she does not want ?

NameChange30 · 23/08/2016 21:46

It is sexual assault.
If you don't want to accept that it's your problem.
Don't call me ridiculous.

Original poster
MrsFarm · 23/08/2016 21:48

He's not getting anything from it, only having to try and sleep with a hard on at night!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 23/08/2016 21:51

"What is sexual assault?

A person commits sexual assault if they intentionally touch another person, the touching is sexual and the person does not consent."

content.met.police.uk/Article/Definitions/1400008450549/1400008450549

NameChange30 · 23/08/2016 21:52

What's that you say? Poor diddums can't sleep because he has a hard on from touching you without your consent?

NameChange30 · 23/08/2016 21:52

Fucks sake.

AnyFucker · 23/08/2016 21:58

Poor diddums. He has to cure his hard on by making you have sex you don't want.

FlaminC1appers · 23/08/2016 22:06

Mocking the OPs situation is not helpful or impressive.

AnyFucker · 23/08/2016 22:09

No. Op's husband is making a mockery of sexual consent.

FlaminC1appers · 23/08/2016 22:16

Definitions are useful and thanks for providing that, but you can never have the full picture from a few posts on MN. Facts are better presented in an objective way.

Luckybe40 · 23/08/2016 22:19

OP, total nightmare. Massive sympathies, how has he responded when you've been brutally honest with him about how you feel about his constant advances?