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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no the more he asks?

167 replies

MrsFarm · 23/08/2016 10:51

DH wants sex all.the.time. Every day he asks "can we do it tonight" - he works alot and I am always trying to get him to spend time with me and the DC, when he does take time off and we go out for a few hours, he sees this as browning points and asks will he be "rewarded" - he says it in a jokey manner but I know he really does expect it. The more he asks, the more pressure I feel under to perform and the more I can't even kiss him, as I feel he just wants a snog, which he hopes will turn into more. At the moment now he is at his horniest which is making him ask me on a daily basis for a kiss/snog etc...it so annoying! I love him, but when he gets like this I can't even be near him, as I know he will pull me in for a big sloppy one....

OP posts:

JenBehavingBadly · 23/08/2016 11:37

I got this from DH at one point, to the extent that I stopped pretty much all physical contact as I didn't want it to lead to sex as it was beginning to feel forced. We had it out in the end and we managed to get it back on track, but it was a very tense part of our relationship and almost a deal breaker.

TheNaze73 · 23/08/2016 11:41

Think you're both going to be heading for a slippery slope if this isn't ironed out quickly. You're going to resent him even more, he'll emotionally switch off & it'll snowball. 2 out of 2 people in a relationship, not getting their needs met is a recipe for disaster.

Inertia · 23/08/2016 11:43

So his children are nothing more to him than a bargaining chip for sex with you ?

He needs to start valuing his family as people - he should want to spend time with his own children for everyone's benefit, not just so he can emotionally blackmail you. He needs to see you as a person in your own right, not just his sex toy. The person in charge of your body is you, and it's totally reasonable for you to be happy to have sex as long as you're treated with love and respect.

No woman should ever feel obliged to be flattered to be subjected to unwanted sexual pestering.

limon · 23/08/2016 11:45

Unflattering, unattractive, naggy, whiney and pressurising. He's a man child. I couldn't live like this again (I once did) and would leave DH if he started this. Yanbu.

whateveryousay · 23/08/2016 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

MrsFarm · 23/08/2016 11:52

Whateveryousay - are you suggesting that

I don't work hard for my family
my husband will have an affair if i don't sleep with him every night?

We do have sex - great sex - I love having sex with him, just not all the time and not when i'm pressured.
We might do it 3 times on one week and then nothing for 2/3 weeks, it varies - but he's definitely getting some.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 23/08/2016 11:55

whatever did you intend to be offensive with your comments trying to coerce the OP into sex that she doesn't want?

AyeAmarok · 23/08/2016 11:56

Usually, there is nothing less likely to turn a woman on than a grown man pestering for sex.

It would make me feel pressured and stressed and uncomfortable and much less likely to want to have sex.

ArmySal · 23/08/2016 11:57

whatever is on the troll.

Pay no attention.

whateveryousay · 23/08/2016 12:01

No, not trying to be offensive, although I'm aware it could sound so. Just thinking as pp said, that if two people in the marriage aren't getting needs met, then it's a slippery slope. Just trying to suggest a way to salvage the situation.

whateveryousay · 23/08/2016 12:02

And no, I'm not 'on the troll', so don't worry, I'll shut up now.

Arfarfanarf · 23/08/2016 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProseccoBitch · 23/08/2016 12:05

Oh god! I totally get it, there's nothing like being pestered to completely put you off. It sounds like a vicious circle though which isn't easy to get out of, the only thing I can think off is to try and re-train him. So jump on him every time he is just being quiet and not pestering you, and never have sex with him when he does pester? Might be a couple of tiring weeks but possibly worth a try

ProseccoBitch · 23/08/2016 12:07

BeMorePanda if my DP ever starts pestering I call him a sex pest and that usually stops him!

ArmySal · 23/08/2016 12:12

There are so many offensive points in your first post, whatever, I straight up don't believe you're not taking the piss.

facepalming · 23/08/2016 12:26

I really don't get it..

If he is being angry with you or sulking when you say no then of course that's out of order.

If he was only being affectionate at home when you are alone and there was an opportunity for sex I could also understand i suppose but it sounds like he is generally being affectionate??!

But a husband should want to have sex with his wife shouldn't he?? Isn't it a good thing he shows an interest and some affection?

Or should things only be initiated by the wife?

TheSparrowhawk · 23/08/2016 12:33

Face-off did you read the thread? He asks every day, he expects sex to be given to him as a bribe for spending time with his children and he sulks when she tells him to stop constantly pestering her. At no point did anyone say the woman has to initiate - it's about initiation, it's about childish, manipulative, sulky behaviour.

Whatever, this is a genuine question, do you honestly think it's better for a woman to 'grit her teeth' to allow her husband to wank into her body than it is for her to be single?

TheSparrowhawk · 23/08/2016 12:35

I don't know where face-off came from, I meant facepalming

TheSparrowhawk · 23/08/2016 12:36

Also that should say it's not about initiation

Mysterycat23 · 23/08/2016 12:36

How about scheduling it in? E.g. we aim for Sunday morning. Otherwise it just doesn't happen and that is not good for either of us or for the relationship. It helps me enjoy the occasional kisses and cuddles through the week without feeling pressured to do anything else that I just don't have the energy for - Possible TMI..

Arfarfanarf · 23/08/2016 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babycham1979 · 23/08/2016 12:37

It sounds like pretty unattractive behaviour, but to call him a 'sex pest' is offensive nonsense. You've got seriously mismatched sex-drives, and it sounds as if you either have to agree a compromise, or settle for the fact that you're fundamentally incompatible. How did you not find this out before marrying?!

The 'relationships' board is full of women complaining that their partner no longer wants sex or intimacy, and that this is a deal-breaker. He sounds annoying, but I feel sorry for him as well as you. He probably feels rejected, to say the least.

If you can't compromise between you (more sex/agreed 'basic principles'/open relationship etc) then I suggest you consider splitting up.

Original poster

MrsFarm · 23/08/2016 12:39

It is lovely being able to be affectionate with my husband facepalming but there is no such thing as a kiss and cuddle when he is in this phase. Its more a snog and a grope, which makes me really grossed out. I NEVER get a chance to initiate it as he tries to have sex every night. Its tiring, I don't feel like I should be delighted with this attention and have sex every night, nor do I feel like I should feel guilty about not wanting it every night, I might want it more, if there wasn't a hand creeping up my top (teenage boy style) every time i get close to him, I have taken to sleeping facing him with my knees up - which he hates!

OP posts:

Dadstheworld · 23/08/2016 12:39

Ok, Donnin my teflon jacket for a second here.

Isn't sex at least an implied part of the social contract between a couple. It must at least have been on the agenda if children were a goal of the relationship.

Has this amount altered?

Original poster

MrsFarm · 23/08/2016 12:40

The other night he woke me three times during the night by groping me, he said he has no recollection of it - it just comes so naturally to him now.

OP posts:

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