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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no the more he asks?

167 replies

MrsFarm · 23/08/2016 10:51

DH wants sex all.the.time. Every day he asks "can we do it tonight" - he works alot and I am always trying to get him to spend time with me and the DC, when he does take time off and we go out for a few hours, he sees this as browning points and asks will he be "rewarded" - he says it in a jokey manner but I know he really does expect it. The more he asks, the more pressure I feel under to perform and the more I can't even kiss him, as I feel he just wants a snog, which he hopes will turn into more. At the moment now he is at his horniest which is making him ask me on a daily basis for a kiss/snog etc...it so annoying! I love him, but when he gets like this I can't even be near him, as I know he will pull me in for a big sloppy one....

OP posts:
RichardBucket · 23/08/2016 22:20

It's frightening to see how your relationship looks to outsiders, but it is NOT ridiculous to call this sexual assault. That's what it is.

AnyFucker · 23/08/2016 22:24

Even if op takes nothing from this thread there are many more lurkers out there. I will not stand by and watch this sexually aggressive behaviour go un named for what it is.

RichardBucket · 23/08/2016 22:26

Exactly, AF. There are so many people in this thread and the other one who were in relationships like this and DID eventually realise what it was and escape.

e1y1 · 23/08/2016 22:38

DH high sex drive - no problem (however it is for him to control)
Asking for sex all the time - not ok
Using spending time with the family as a bargaining tool - creepy
Seeing sex as a reward tool - Envy (not envy)
Sulking when told no - childish
Not listening to your wishes - selfish
Groping you every chance he gets - massively not ok
Groping you without your consent - sexual harassment/assault

Don't know what to suggest other than marriage/sex counselling

SkydivingFerret · 23/08/2016 23:07

My ex used to grab at me constantly, but never in a way that would turn me on. He would grab my arse, come up behind and grab your boobs, all very rough and playful and jokey. I absolutely hated it and when in desperation I did it to him one day he loved it.

Thing is he would have had a much better success rate if he had been gentle in his touches and if he'd backed the fuck off when I told him to. I felt like a piece of meat and I definitely didn't feel loved. Now I just feel sorry for his new girlfriend, I'm sure she's putting up with the same shit because that's who he is. A selfish arse out for what he can get

KittensWithWeapons · 23/08/2016 23:16

Absolutely, AF. Coerced sex is assault. And I agree completely that while MrsFarm might be okay with this, I'd hate for other women to read this and think that coercive sex is okay, or normal. It's not.

And as for the posts about how the OP should be 'flattered' by being pestered for sex, and how sex is somehow part of a 'social contract' between a couple. Shudder. I'm very, very glad that I have a respectful DP who doesn't subscribe to such views.

PurpleWithRed · 23/08/2016 23:23

urgh. Been there, got the divorce papers. I cured it by leaving. If you want to save your marriage you may need to play hardball.

RattataPidgeyRattataPidgey · 23/08/2016 23:51

Am I the only one thinking that a choice few of these recent threads are actually made by a member of the group of MRAs that clearly flock to reply on them?

FlaminC1appers · 24/08/2016 00:00

Rattata - I suspect some people have agendas to push, that's for sure.

RattataPidgeyRattataPidgey · 24/08/2016 00:16

Is this the first thread you've replied to, FlaminC1appers, or have you inexplicably namechanged for the purpose? Hmm

To borrow a phrase from another thread - chinny reckon

KittensWithWeapons · 24/08/2016 00:27

Yes, Flamin, I would imagine that there are certainly some agendas being pushed. By the gobeshites who think that a relationship means signing up to have sex whenever it is demanded. And that being forcibly pursued for sex is flattering.

Rattata, you're not the only one thinking that.

PinkyOfPie · 24/08/2016 00:32

It really is tremendously depressing reading about so many DHs being sex pests and seeing posters being treated like a vagina on legs. Is it just a few men or has porn culture seeped so far into our patriarchal society that men just have all this pent up horny entitlement, and women are nothing more than spunk buckets because using a vagina is more satisfying than using their hand?

My DH initiates sex now and again but if I say no (which TBF is more often than not) he just says 'OK then' and talks about something else or goes off for a wank

PinkyOfPie · 24/08/2016 00:36

And I know it's hard to hear OP but groping as you sleep is sexual assault - I understand why you don't want to see your DH as a sexual deviant/criminal but being objective about it, what's what it is. Your body still belongs to you, you make the rules, nothing changes just because you got married or shared a bed. He has no right to do that and is being tremendously disrespectful

MatrixReloaded · 24/08/2016 05:30

I feel sick reading this. I would stop having sex with him altogether and sleep elsewhere so you're not being groped. Nasty stuff and it will get worse unfortunately.

TheDowagerCuntess · 24/08/2016 07:02

MrsFarm - this must be really difficult reading.

What do you hope to get from this thread?

You've told him - repeatedly - that you do not like this. You not liking it doesn't matter to him. He doesn't care that you don't like it.

You've come here to try to fix this problem, but the only 'advice' you're going to get is from handmaidens, who will tell you to lie back and think of England.

Everyone else is repulsed.

The only person who can rectify this is your husband. And he doesn't seem to have any interest in changing.

So what that means for you, long-term, I'm not sure.

Original poster
MrsFarm · 24/08/2016 09:11

Anyfucker He has to cure his hard on by making you have sex you don't want
He doesn't make me do anything. If I don't want to have sex we don't.

Anotheremma Poor diddums can't sleep because he has a hard on from touching you without your consent?
Does your husband say "please Anotheremma, can I touch your breast please? or Can i kiss you?

Please.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsFarm · 24/08/2016 09:24

i'm just shocked by the amount of people who think that i am being sexually assaulted/abused by my husband!!! Its the most insane thing i've read on here.

My husband has a high sex drive, yes he likes to fondle me ALOT, I tell him I don't like it, he backs off, has a little sulk, asks if i don't find him attractive anymore etc. He does NOT ever force me to have sex.

He doesnt use time with his kids as a bargaining tool, my username should suggest to you that my husband works a 7 day week, 365 days a year, he takes a few hours off on sundays and while he wants to stay at home with the kids, I on the other hand want to go out, get something to eat, take them to a playground etc...my husband sees days like this as "happy wife, happy life" - this does not mean that he only spends time with his kids if I promise to have sex with him.
Apart from this, we are VERY happy, we have lots of fun, we make eachother laugh, and we are very much in love. Our sex drives are obviously different and thats why i came on here, looking for advice, not to be told that i am being sexually assaulted. Talk about going over board!!!! I presume all your husbands asks permission for a kiss, fondle etc every time yeah??? yeah, didnt think so.

Calling this sexual assault is actually very dis respectable towards women who are or were sexually assault

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 24/08/2016 09:25

MrsF, you've had some pretty extreme replies but the balance seems to be that yes, a man constantly asking for sex is a complete turnoff.

What exactly are you asking Mumsnet in your original post? do you want advice on how to stop him, are you asking if he is unreasonable, what?

TheDowagerCuntess · 24/08/2016 09:31

Sorry you feel got at, MrsFarm.

I might want it more, if there wasn't a hand creeping up my top (teenage boy style) every time i get close to him, I have taken to sleeping facing him with my knees up - which he hates!

This isn't normal. I hope you get the advice you need.

WannaBeDifferent · 24/08/2016 09:44

I read your first post Op and immediately thought I'd feel as if I was constantly being assaulted .

My ex was a bit like this , I felt as if I had to keep moving to avoid his constant grabbing my arse or standing behind me and shoving his hands up my top. There was no tenderness and therefore felt like an assault.

Arfarfanarf · 24/08/2016 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkyOfPie · 24/08/2016 10:20

I presume all your husbands asks permission for a kiss, fondle etc every time yeah???

Actually yes mine does because he knows it's not on to just come up and grope me.

I'm sorry you don't like the responses and they may seem harsh but he is sexually assaulting you. And just because he works lots it doesn't give him unprecedented access to a body that's not his.

Look Farm no one is saying go to the police or tell him he's sexually assaulting you. We're trying to make you see how this behaviour is unusual and unacceptable and you need to realise it's fine to stand up for yourself.

If somebody is constantly touching you sexually even when you say you don't want it, and they continue to do it, that is sexual harassment. You wouldn't tolerate it from a man on the street or at work and you shouldnt tolerate it in your home

JellyBelli · 24/08/2016 10:26

'Asking permission' can be asking a question, and that can be a physical act. A touch or a look. because partners can read each others faces, moods and bodies.

I'm sorry you dont know that, you dont know what you are missing from a normal relationship.

MrsFarm · 24/08/2016 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Luckybe40 · 24/08/2016 10:31

I'm sorry that you feel some of the posters are being OTT OP, in my personal opinion I would feel sexually harassed at the very least. Having to sleep with your knees drawn up to your chest to protect your private parts from being groped in your sleep, being randomly grabbed, fondled...Jesus, I struggle to see how you don't think this is sexual harassment!