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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being precious over room sharing ?

159 replies

AgeofAdaline · 22/08/2016 12:35

Name changed as this is very identifying.

I have 2 boys, DS1 is 12 and DS2 is 8. DS2 is autistic, he has a lot of sensory issues, his room is very much his safe/comfort zone.

Everything is colour coded or alphabetised, each toy has a day to be played with, if it's not the day then it can't be touched. He has a set routine when he enters the room or wakes up, things have to be done in order, blanket completely rolled off, then curtains pulled back etc

We have a four bedroom house, although the fourth room is pretty tiny, all it can really fit is a bed and a desk and small wardrobe, we use it as a guest room.

DSis' house is being fumigated because of bed bugs. Exterminators have said that it may take a month.

Her, BIL and their 4 DC, 3, 7, 13 and 15 years old have been staying with us for the past week as they can't afford a hotel and no other family members live close enough to BIL's work and the kids school once they open up again.

We're happy to have them as they would do the same for us, we moved DS1 into the guest bedroom, DH and I then moved into DS1's room leaving DSis and her family to share the biggest room in the house.

But 6 people in one bedroom is proving to be too much, oldest DNephew, the 15 year old has taken to sleeping in the living room.

DSis has asked numerous times, if I can put DS1 in DS2's room freeing up a bed for her eldest or for one of the other children who are currently sleeping on camp beds/mattresses.

I've said no, DS2 is already struggling to cope with so many people in the house, his routine has been massively disrupted, the amount of tears I've had this week has been exhausting, the weather hasn't helped as it's meant everyone has stayed indoors.

She asked again this morning when DS2 woke up at 7am, went down into the living room and started playing with his toy trains, as he's done every Monday throughout the holidays but it woke up DNephew who spent all morning complaining.

DSis then said I was being precious over the room situation. Which I don't think I am, she just doesn't understand how much DS2 struggles.

OP posts:
strawberrypenguin · 22/08/2016 13:47

YANBU. I wouldn't be moving your oldest into your room either. You've already put him out of his room making him share with you when his brother (very understandably) gets to keep his own room really doesn't seem fair on him

MotherOfGlob · 22/08/2016 13:48

Sorry, unless OP's sister had emergency cover, not OP.

Jinxxx · 22/08/2016 13:48

I also can't understand why your DSis and all her kids are with you at the moment, if only your BiL needs to be local to work. Can't they all just go and stay with other relatives or friends, at least until school resumes? And if they are renting, are they having to pay rent during the debugging period? If not, this could go towards a hotel, guesthouse, caravan or whatever for the week or two after school starts (assuming you are not abroad or in Scotland!)

insan1tyscartching · 22/08/2016 13:49

YADNBU my ds's (autism) room is sacred like your ds's room is. There is no way I'd move him out or anyone in. I'm nowhere near as nice as you though so wouldn't have put them up in the first place tbh. I'd be telling sister to like it or lump it or find alternative accommodation tbh

nonicknameseemsavailable · 22/08/2016 13:52

absolutely not. ok I am not the most hospitable of people but I wouldn't have been able to agree to that many people staying anyway for an indefinite period and I would be very worried about getting an infestation myself

I don't know much about bed bugs but I agree that they could very easily have transported them with them to your house, or they could even be the landlord's problem if they haven't been there that long.

Obviously they have experts coming in to see to it but have they got rid of some of their stuff that is particularly homely to bed bugs? would help reduce the timescales potentially I would think.

I also think her children need to learn to accept things, perhaps not little ones so much but a 15 year old is old enough to be told in no uncertain terms that this is the situation, noone likes it but everyone has to get on with it and he has to grow up.

TheBouquets · 22/08/2016 13:53

What about some of the children going with one adult to visit grandparents for a few days to ease the pressure.
I would be concerned too about the transmission of the bugs to your own house. Quick read the Insurance details.
You are doing the best you can in very difficult circumstances. I could see many an argument, rending of clothes and mayhem and murder (LOL) in other households. DSis is expecting a bit much. I hope she is pulling her and her family's weight with the household tasks, being that there is more of them than your family and it being your house.

Scarydinosaurs · 22/08/2016 14:00

^^ as PP surely the 15 year old can stay with friends part of the time.

YANBU

Original poster
AgeofAdaline · 22/08/2016 14:00

They took every precaution before entering my house, I'm 99% sure that they didn't bring anything with them, they wore new clothes and got changed in a public restroom as they did read up on bed bugs, they travel so bloody easily , even their car has been left behind.

The only other close relative is in Birmingham, miles away, some of them, could stay there until school starts back up, but I think it's case of not wanting to. I don't mind having them here and sometimes you do things for family that you'd never do, it's just the constant asking to room swap that's beginning to grate.

Their home insurance 100% does not cover bed bugs, she's spoken to them, written to them etc, they'll contribute a small amount to exterminators and that's it, she doesn't rent, I'm not sure where people got that idea from, they own their home.

OP posts:
bunnysmummy · 22/08/2016 14:04

Tents are waterproof, I'd let teenagers camp in the rain.
Are there any other Aunties/Uncles or Grandparents that could have some of the children for a few days? Or their friends? Surely they could arrange a few sleep overs.
I'm guessing your SIL is feeling the strain.

MrsDeVere · 22/08/2016 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bunnysmummy · 22/08/2016 14:06

I think I'll be checking my house insurance cover. I've no idea if we'd be covered.

Goodasgoldilox · 22/08/2016 14:14

I agree with the tent idea. Tents are good - and designed to keep out the rain. DN15 might much prefer this.

My Grandmother faced with lack of space for family visits made her garage into 'The Annex'. The walls were hung with bankets - it was given an old carpet - lamps and a small heater. The camp beds had plenty of bedding on. (This was in Yorkshire and in Winter. ) All the teens preferred getting the space in there to being in the house with all the little-uns and the adults. Dreadful music was allowed.

expatinscotland · 22/08/2016 14:23

Keep telling her NO and don't back down. And you know what? Where your nephew sleeps is not your lookout. It's hers. All this buy a camp bed, a tent, put your DS1 in with you, etc. is totally irrelevant. SHE needs to find a solution. Personally, I wouldn't have hosted them at all with my autistic child. They'd just have to use a credit card to rent something. It's too many people and it would set my DS off big style.

diddl · 22/08/2016 14:27

I think that she should be the one in the tent!

TellAStory · 22/08/2016 14:31

YANBU but your sister is!!!! I have an autistic son and his room is his haven, no way should your ds have to give up his safe place given the additional stress he is already under with the extra people.

TheLittleRedHen · 22/08/2016 14:31

I think it's time for that MN classic "that doesn't work for me".

I'd also not be spending any of my money to buy a camp bed to further accommodate her children. What you've offered is more than fair and if they decide as family that they need more than that, then it's up to them to facilitate it.

I'd then suggest that they go and stay with family further afield, perhaps BIL could have the box room if he needs to get to work in the meantime and allow his wife and children to stay somewhere else until school starts again. I'd also ask them to fuck off for at least the weekends when school has started to give you all some respite.

sparechange · 22/08/2016 14:41

YADNBU, but if the tent idea won't work, can they hire or borrow a caravan or motorhome instead?

Cel982 · 22/08/2016 14:47

Nobody's being unreasonable, really. You're absolutely right not to disrupt your son's routine, and I'd stand my ground on that one. But she wasn't U to ask in the first place, and I really don't think she deserves the slating she's getting here. It's a horribly stressful situation for everyone involved, and it's not anyone's fault.

I'm a bit Hmm at the number of people here who say they wouldn't put up a sibling and their family in an emergency like this. Surely that's just what you do for family, presuming there hasn't been a total breakdown of the relationship?

appalachianwalzing · 22/08/2016 14:52

Not helpful to your query - you seem totally reasonable- but about the bedbugs, we were told you absolutely don't move out during an infestation. I've read widely and all the advise is to stay put. It's really, really important not to leave during treatment. I would strongly doubt she's following an exterminators advise by leaving, or else she's got a really crap one.

Basically, bedbugs are pretty indestructible at various stages of their life cycle- what will kill adults won't kill nymphs or eggs. So you treat, kill the adults, wait till the nymphs become adults, treat again and kill them before they're about ten days old (when they start reproducing) wait till the eggs that are now nymphs become adults, kill them and hopefully the cycle has stopped.

However- they can hibernate for up to 18 months. If the humans don't stay in their beds, being bitten for the few days in between the treatment cycles, they may hibernate making the whole thing pointless. Worse, they may move into a neighbours if there's any kind of adjoining house, then move back in when the family returns.

When we had bedbugs treated, I only stayed with friends the night of both treatments, because of the smell. I was greeted at both houses with a binliner and a towel and fresh clothes, stripped off and showered with my clothes sealed. I then went home, and sucked it up until the next scheduled treatment day. I also dry cleaned or tumble dried every single item of clothing I owned and kept them stored separately until all the treatments were finished.

Bed bugs are truly awful, but it sounds like she's both running the risk of exposing you - with that many people I'm dubious how many precautions they can have taken, and at the moment she's definitely going to get her house reinfected and you may face having them all land in on you again soon. I would read a bit more about bed bugs if I were you - Useful blogs include bedbugger, which is American- I really think your family is going above and beyond by taking this risk.

Rubies12345 · 22/08/2016 15:12

*Visiting friends and neighbours

If your home has bed bugs, don’t risk spreading them by taking clothes, suitcases or furniture to hotels or people’s homes.

Established bed bug infestations can migrate to adjoining properties by crawling through wall or floor cavities. If you live in a flat, apartment or terraced house, inform your neighbours and other tenants to take action quickly.*

It's kind of you to put them up, but you could end up having to vacate your house.

Vikkijayne2507 · 22/08/2016 15:15

Let her son complain, your son comes first everything my sister has severe autism and you don't move her shit or change anything or she will lose her shit.

charlie2405 · 22/08/2016 15:27

I have an autistic son. He too would struggle if he was expected to share. I would tell your ungrateful DS to pack her shit and pay for a hotel. No sympathy for her at all after her lack of empathy for your DS. Then you can have your lovely big house back all to yourself GrinWine

Randytortoise · 22/08/2016 15:31

Definitely nbu. Would a tent I the garden help to give everyone some extra space?

AndNowItsSeven · 22/08/2016 15:43

Can't your eldest share with you and your dh?

summerainbow · 22/08/2016 15:43

Have you thought about buying a cheap caravan park in drive and sell it on when they leave .