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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being precious over room sharing ?

159 replies

AgeofAdaline · 22/08/2016 12:35

Name changed as this is very identifying.

I have 2 boys, DS1 is 12 and DS2 is 8. DS2 is autistic, he has a lot of sensory issues, his room is very much his safe/comfort zone.

Everything is colour coded or alphabetised, each toy has a day to be played with, if it's not the day then it can't be touched. He has a set routine when he enters the room or wakes up, things have to be done in order, blanket completely rolled off, then curtains pulled back etc

We have a four bedroom house, although the fourth room is pretty tiny, all it can really fit is a bed and a desk and small wardrobe, we use it as a guest room.

DSis' house is being fumigated because of bed bugs. Exterminators have said that it may take a month.

Her, BIL and their 4 DC, 3, 7, 13 and 15 years old have been staying with us for the past week as they can't afford a hotel and no other family members live close enough to BIL's work and the kids school once they open up again.

We're happy to have them as they would do the same for us, we moved DS1 into the guest bedroom, DH and I then moved into DS1's room leaving DSis and her family to share the biggest room in the house.

But 6 people in one bedroom is proving to be too much, oldest DNephew, the 15 year old has taken to sleeping in the living room.

DSis has asked numerous times, if I can put DS1 in DS2's room freeing up a bed for her eldest or for one of the other children who are currently sleeping on camp beds/mattresses.

I've said no, DS2 is already struggling to cope with so many people in the house, his routine has been massively disrupted, the amount of tears I've had this week has been exhausting, the weather hasn't helped as it's meant everyone has stayed indoors.

She asked again this morning when DS2 woke up at 7am, went down into the living room and started playing with his toy trains, as he's done every Monday throughout the holidays but it woke up DNephew who spent all morning complaining.

DSis then said I was being precious over the room situation. Which I don't think I am, she just doesn't understand how much DS2 struggles.

OP posts:
acasualobserver · 22/08/2016 13:00

Is there room in the garden for a tent?

Goodasgoldilox · 22/08/2016 13:00

What does DS2 think about having another person in his room?

I think that you are being absolutely reasonable to protect him and his space AND that you are being an amazingly good sister too. Your sister and family are very very lucky to have you

NapQueen · 22/08/2016 13:00

The only other option would be to put ds1 in with you on a mattress and give her eldest the tiny room

But that would be going above and beyond.

Sibu to want anything more.

Rafflesway · 22/08/2016 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 22/08/2016 13:02

Could she stay further afield with her children where there is more space and just have her husband in your house close to his work, at least until the end of the summer holidays?

Original poster
AgeofAdaline · 22/08/2016 13:02

AndIn, we're trying to get an extra camp bed, so that DS1 can sleep in our room for a few nights, he's not very happy at the idea, but he can cope.

I'm not really sure if they've tried to find oldest DNephew anywhere else, but I may nicely try and suggest it, him sleeping in the living room for the next 3 weeks isn't ideal

DSis is usually a very decent person, she's just under enormous stress, but I'm glad everyone agrees with me, I was really worried I was acting precious over DS2's room and being mean for making them all share 1 room.

OP posts:
currentlyunavailable · 22/08/2016 13:02

YANBU

Do you have a garden? I would have put a tent in the garden frankly. I would not leave one (or several) young children there, but it's perfectly suitable for adults and teens who can supervise them. We are not having an amazingly hot summer, but it's still August and perfectly bearable outside.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/08/2016 13:02

Agree with everyone else. Your ds is suffering loads as it is. No it would be a very bad idea. I don't know if you perhaps need to explain the risks and consequences of doing this, only you know your son and how it would affect his mental health.

I'm sure it's hell for your dsis and family as well.

FetchezLaVache · 22/08/2016 13:05

I'm the mother of an autistic child too and it saddens me that your DSis doesn't seem to get it. As awkward as the current situation might be, it would be a shite sight worse if they had wall-to-wall meltdowns to cope with too. I think you're lovely for putting a family of 6 up for a month!

Iloveowls2 · 22/08/2016 13:06

There are several choices here. 1. They remain as they are and are grateful for the help 2. They pay for rented accommodation for a few weeks 3. Some of their kids stay with friends 4. Tell you sister she's an ungrateful cow 5. In best mn tradition you go NC lol. What is not an option is further upsetting your DS2s security by taking away his safe haven. You are not biu at all

FuzzyOwl · 22/08/2016 13:07

YANBU and I would be really grateful to anyone putting me up, let alone my husband and four children. As pp said, you are doing her a massive favour and can be as precious about it as you like. I do like the tent idea though and can see how that would work as a temporary measure for the remaining time - either your sister or her husband could sleep in it with a couple of their children if they didn't like the idea of them being out there alone.

Duckdown · 22/08/2016 13:07

Yanbu. You and your family are being v generous to your sister and her family.

Original poster
AgeofAdaline · 22/08/2016 13:09

Bobbit, she does have insurance but it only covers rentals for accidents like floodings and fire not an infestation of bed bugs.

KitKat, a few extrerminators said 6-8 weeks, one said 3 months, I think it depends on the infestation and the ability of the exterminator.

We have a garden and a tent, just shit weather for any garden camping. Good idea for when the weather drys out.

OP posts:
diddl · 22/08/2016 13:09

FFS!!!

You could just have said no from the get go!

Do they not have house insurance that would pay for a hotel?

Putting up 6 people is a bloody big ask.

The only thing that I might consider is having the 12yr old in with me to give the 15yr old the small room.

Mycatsabastard · 22/08/2016 13:09

yanbu

You are doing them a favour. You know your son and while it might be inconvenient to your sis and her family, it would be the uprooting of your sons world to have someone in his room with him.

My dd is not as severe as your son but her room is her safe place, everything has a place, she knows where everything is, it's immaculate and she can't cope if anyone goes in there and touches things or moves things. It causes so much upset so I really do understand where you are coming from.

Solutions are to let her oldest stay at friends, get your oldest in with you freeing up a room (unfair on him I know) or she finds somewhere else for them to stay.

She's lucky she has you to take in all six of them.

HermioneJeanGranger · 22/08/2016 13:11

YADNBU.

But, just off to the top of my head, could DS1 not share the tiny room with the oldest nephew? I know you said there's not much room, but you could move the furniture elsewhere temporarily and put a sleeping bag or mattress on the floor? Or DS1 goes in with you, two of SIL's children move into the spare room and then there's only four in the biggest room instead of six?

JudyCoolibar · 22/08/2016 13:15

Has your DS actually asked her insurers about this? I suspect it probably would cover it.

blushrush · 22/08/2016 13:15

It's a stressful situation for all involved but, the bottom line is, it is easier for the rest of you to adapt than it is for your second son.

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your sister probably knows this but stress is clouding her judgement.

Cocochoco · 22/08/2016 13:16

She's U for asking you to do something that will be difficult for your youngest. But why can't your 12 year old and her 15 year old share a room? If that doesn't work for some reason, I would have the 12 year old in with me rather than cram six of them into one room.

At the very least I would help DN to sleep in the living room more easily - for a start, you could stop your ds2 from playing in there at 7am. That seems pretty unreasonable.

RockinHippy · 22/08/2016 13:17

YADNBU

Bad weather or not, I'm with those suggesting you offer the 15y/o DN a tent in the garden. He is behaving like a brat typical self entered teen which is understandable, BUT your DSIS should not expect you to put his needs over your own DS2, who by the sounds if it is already suffering enough disruption to the routine he needs.

I also wouldn't allow DN15 to sleep in the living room - tell him & DSIS, that he either stays in the room as offered, or he can sleep in a tent in the garden

You are doing them all a HUGE favour at much inconvenience to your own family - they cannot dictate the terms of that!!

agapanthii · 22/08/2016 13:18

I would definitely be suggesting the 15yr old sleeps in a tent in the garden, he'd have access to bathroom facilities, cooking etc in the house, so it's just a place to lay his head. He'd probably enjoy it!

MrsJayy · 22/08/2016 13:19

Yanbu your sister is obviously stressed but your sons needs have to come first he needs his room cant your nephew just sleep in the livingroom like he is doing ? How can it take a month to fumigate ?

Babyroobs · 22/08/2016 13:19

Put a tent up in the garden for 15 year old nephew if the weather is good ( or even if it isn't!). he will cope and can sleep in as long as he likes.

FrozenAteMyDaughter · 22/08/2016 13:19

YANBU about DS2. However, I feel a bit sorry for DS1. He has already been moved out of his room (entirely fair of course to help your DSis's family) and now may be asked to sleep on a camp bed in your room, presumably for three weeks until his cousins go home again. Some of that time he will be back at school so quite disrupting for him. It's already hard for him having six extra people living in his house for a month I would have thought (as it is for all of you, of course).

I think it should be up to your DSis to find ways for her family to cope, either with some of the children moving to friends as others have suggested, or by telling her eldest that being woken up at 7am once a week when others are doing you a massive favour is something he will just have to put up with.

jellycat1 · 22/08/2016 13:19

Yanbu at all. You're a saint. Sounds like my idea of hell.