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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think co-sleeping with toddlers is madness?

193 replies

Grapejuiceforgrownups · 22/08/2016 09:52

We have a 16m old, recently went on a week long holiday with friends and their 19m old. Our toddler naps 12-2 or thereabouts, she had some naps in car or buggy if we were out and about but prefer her to nap in cot where possible. She sleeps 7-7ish, went to bed later on some nights as we were on hols. We have a 10 min long bedtime routine and she usually falls asleep within 5 mins of going in cot, if she cries we take her out again, settle her then put her back but this is rare. On the week long holiday she woke two of the nights in the night, took 5 min of settling. Other 5 nights she slept through.

Friends' DS won't sleep unless there is a parent with him so one of them has to lie down and either sleep or pretend to be asleep for up to an hour to get him to have a nap. At bedtime they do the same. Every night at about 10pm he would be up again screaming, I'm guessing because he would wake and get upset that the parent he fell asleep with was gone, and he would usually come into the lounge with us and fall asleep in his mum's arms. He won't sleep in a cot so they have to put the mattress on the floor surrounded by cushions. When they go to bed he sleeps between them and kicks all night when he is asleep, wakes up hourly and fusses and needs soothing, so basically neither of them get any sleep. During the day he was grumpy and tired, rubbing his eyes a lot. No set bedtime (usually goes to bed with them at 9ish at home they said), no set nap times, no routine that I could see. He's not BF since 1 year.

I get why you would co-sleep with a little baby, we did occasionally when ours was little and we did everything baby led for the first 4 months before gently adding a night time routine. She was in a bednest until 6m then cot in her own room. We've never done CIO, I don't have a problem with controlled crying if done gently but it wasn't for us. We rocked or cuddled to sleep until 8m then used pick up put down method to teach her to self settle.

I'm asking in the spirit of genuine curiosity rather than hoiking up my judgey pants, but it seemed so mad to me that they were still at newborn levels of exhaustion when he is 1.5 years old, I genuinely want to know what the benefits are of extended co-sleeping and why people do it? Am I missing a trick??

OP posts:

JustHappy3 · 22/08/2016 13:18

Hate to break it to you but your child sleeps well because they do - not because of your marvellous parenting.
I had the child who needed much less than the typical guidelines, struggled to go to sleep and who woke easily. We did everything your friends do because there was no other way.
No 2 DC does exactly what your dc does. Luckily having them in this order has made us bloody grateful and appreciative and stopped us being judgmental arses who don't understand.

Carmen1983 · 22/08/2016 13:22

I imagine they are doing this for their own sanity, to get some kind of sleep at all. Your child might be a wonderful sleeper now but these things can change very quickly. My child was a great sleeper until the age of 18 months! Easy to judge until it happens to you.

waitingforsomething · 22/08/2016 13:24

I have refused to co-sleep with my children because my and DH are terrible terrible sleepers. Any wriggling from them would mean everyone awake all night.
For DD she was a very good sleeper and did 7-7ish in her cot from 12 weeks old.
DS also slept well but took 8 months to sleep through so there was much more getting up for comforting/feeding for longer but for me it was worth it to have the inbetween-wakes time without a kid in my bed keeping me awake.

I have many friends however, with less good sleepers who for them it was a godsend. They got more sleep that way.

It doesn't really matter - whatever works for the parents is fine.

ReySkywalker · 22/08/2016 13:25

Ypur poor friend, I'm sure she was well aware of your 'curiosity'

MrsBobDylan · 22/08/2016 13:26

Your child is a good sleeper. Here's my view-it has nothing to do with your skills as parents and everything to do with the fact your child is naturally a good sleeper. I'm one of four siblings and was easily the best sleeper my mum had. I'm still rather good at it and can get to sleep within seconds and hardly ever wake.

I have 3 dc and never co slept with dc 1 or 2 but dc3 is rather keen to share our bed still at 2.6 years. He sleeps, we sleep it's not a problem. He's a bit more sensitive than the other two and likes to stay close. On the up side, he doesn't bolt off when we're out and is kind and gentle with other children.

You get what your given and be grateful, that's what I think.

Bambooshoots14 · 22/08/2016 13:29

Lucky you. Ds always had an easy bedtime routine but wakes in the night most nights (has had periods where he sleeps through) and now he's 2.5 he's in a bed so when he wakes up in the night now he goes for a wee then comes in bed with us. As others have said I'd rather co sleep than no sleep

SpaceUnicorn · 22/08/2016 13:31

I'm asking in the spirit of genuine curiosity

If you were genuinely curious then surely you'd just ask your friend about it. If you're close enough to go away together I can't see why you wouldn't be able to ask them about it.

Of course, there's every possibility that you're not genuinely curious, and what this AIBU boils down to is 'on the basis of my extensive and excellent parenting, I cannot fathom why all families don't do exactly what I do.'

awfulpersonme · 22/08/2016 13:31

I wouldn't like to do it but I certainly would if it was the only way to get sleep.

I would sleep train personally but it doesn't work on all kids and many parents don't want to.

Kittykatmacbill · 22/08/2016 13:39

Our first was and is like yours our second 'not so much'. Dehoik your judgy pants

witsender · 22/08/2016 13:44

I love/loved co sleeping with mine. From newborns...delicious. at around 18 months they had their own beds but we're welcome to come in when they wanted, which was most nights. Before then we would take them up to our bed, lie down with them or whatever, feed them (if it was me) and when they fell asleep slip off downstairs.Even now at 6 and 4 they still come in in the night quite regularly, I love that they feel they can. And we all love the cuddles.

converseandjeans · 22/08/2016 14:15

YNBU it would drive me insane. It's a mumsnet obsession that if your LO sleeps through and independently then you will have sleep trained and left a poor baby crying alone. However parenting is such a long game and whilst they might sleep brilliantly from day one but eat terribly or be naughty at school or an awful teen who is rude etc... so probably best to stay quiet about different styles......

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 22/08/2016 14:51

I have to admit I always thought parents who co-sleep do it as a choice, not as a last resort technique in order to get some sleep. Reading this thread was quite interesting.
We never co-slept, decided before having DCs that we were against it (fear of creating bad habits), so even when the nights were hard, we never thought about it as an option. When they woke up the settling was done in their bedroom or in the living room even if it meant getting downstairs in the cold.
I have to admit, I don't think ours were too bad sleep-wise, maybe we will change our minds with the next one...

Genuine question though, if you bring a baby or child to your bed, doesn't it wake your OH up? I know DH wouldn't have been happy at all to be woken up in the middle of the night because I wanted to settle a baby in bed instead of getting up (he was working, I wasn't, and I had a chance to sleep in the morning while he was getting ready for work).

Floisme · 22/08/2016 15:02

Well doesn't it wake your OH up if your baby/toddler cries in the night? Even if you're the one getting up to settle them?

Formidabbadoo · 22/08/2016 15:05

Do you not think if what you do worked for them they would be doing it??!! I would. Sounds great.

LauraMipsum · 22/08/2016 15:12

Hollow laugh. I never imagined co sleeping but ours just will not bloody sleep and so at some stage overnight she comes in with us.

It is arguable, from an academic distance, with a nice cup of coffee, that she wakes 3 times a night at 21 months because she knows eventually we'll crack and bring her into our bed. At 3.30am I do not have academic distance, just an overriding need to get back to sleep asap.

It's even worse on holiday where we don't have the usual pre bedtime routine.

FurryGiraffe · 22/08/2016 15:12

We tend to get in with DS/ sleep in the spare room with him. And we were both working so we both needed to sleep! At the moment DH is doing virtually all the night waking with DS1 because we also have a 3 month old- he still chooses to co-sleep a lot of the time because he gets more sleep that way

Imaginosity · 22/08/2016 15:15

I co- sleep with DS2. He's 4. Ow. He likes I like it. So there's no problem. It's not 'madness' for me. I'll miss him when he moves to his own room. Whatever works for the parent and child

LauraMipsum · 22/08/2016 15:20

if you bring a baby or child to your bed, doesn't it wake your OH up?

Well yes, but when DD wakes up and cries that already wakes DP up. The only difference is which one of us gets properly awake to do the cuddling back to sleep and resettling, and which one of us gets to turn over and go back to sleep straight away.

Didn't your DH getting up for work wake you up? It's not like your sleep would have been uninterrupted when he got up.

I have fairly limited sympathy for those who "can't" do night wakings because they're working outside the home though, unless they're a brain surgeon or a pilot or something. DD only wants me at night believe me I've tried and so I do the night resettlings even though it's me who works outside the home. I've done both staying at home and working outside the home and I get more down time (and more coffee) at work.

StarlingMurmuration · 22/08/2016 15:22

DS sleeps through most nights, and never liked co-sleeping. Before he started sleeping through, I'd have given anything for a decent night's sleep, and was gutted that he wasn't even happy co-sleeping. You do what you can to survive with a non-sleeping infatnt. Try not to judge when really you're just lucky.

SWIMonBluelight · 22/08/2016 15:23

I love Co sleeping with my 3 yr old ds. I don't have a partner so it's just us snuggled in bed. Doesn't effect my sleep in the slightest.

Sparrowlegs248 · 22/08/2016 15:24

I echo what sirzy said in the first response. Lucky you aging a child that sleeps well.

FlorisApple · 22/08/2016 15:29

My first didn't sleep through the night until she was about 18months. I used to make the nighttime shuffle into her room to get her back down every few hours (it varied each night) and I was a fucking zombie. Second time around, I thought, "fuck it, I'm co-sleeping." It's not ideal, but boy do I get a better night's sleep than I ever did with my daughter. My point is, maybe your friend's sleep routine is their solution to an even worse problem. I've come to realise they are all just different, and will sleep of their own accord when they are ready.

StarlingMurmuration · 22/08/2016 15:29

Also, if DP had been unhappy because I was trying to resettle DS in a whatever way I thought would work best, I would have been very unhappy with him. But fortunately DP isn't one of those men who thinks that he shouldn't be disturbed at night because his work takes place outside the house.

Floisme · 22/08/2016 15:30

What is all this 'rod for your back' business? Do people seriously think they'll still want to sleep with you when they're 12?

We're all different and what suited us wouldn't suit everyone but for what it's worth, I have very happy memories of co sleeping. It was a lovely, very special time and it probably saved my sanity too. Oh and my husband feels the same way.

clare2307 · 22/08/2016 15:32

Easy to say when you have a child that sleeps well, and I say that as someone who was you almost a year ago! DD1, never slept in our bed, slept 12-13 hours a night from around 3 months old etc etc. Couldn't understand why people would want/allow a baby or any child for that matter, to sleep in their bed.

Fast forward to now and DD2 who is now 11.5 months has NEVER slept all night, never mind all night in her own bed. So I now understand that you do what you need to in order to maximise the sleep everyone gets!

Consider yourself lucky, and pray if you ever have another they also sleep well

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