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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

You couldn't write this sh*t!!!!!

354 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 21/08/2016 18:36

I literally can not believe what has just happened to me, I am fuming, in shock and shaking...

I have a very good friend, part of the same friendship group wouldn't say she is my bestest friend but always been a good one. I was out for dinner with our group a few nights ago and she was talking about how she is convinced her fiancé is having an affair. We all told her we didn't think he was because tbh he's fantastic and quite obviously loves her and she's just paranoid (always been a bit of a drama queen)...

Now rewind to around a month ago I was at a family function and my younger cousin was there (18) who I'm not exactly close to but we do get on very well. She tells me that she has a new boyfriend I ask why he isn't there, she confides in me that he has a serious girlfriend but that she is depressed and suicidal and he can't leave her Hmm I expressed that it was wrong even if that was his situation because he should be focussing on trying to end it gently, not doing the thing that could push this poor girl over the edge...

So surprise surprise you all know where this is going... I am out today, cousin calls me, can i come over, I can hear she's in tears. Turns out she's pregnant, she wants the baby, the prick is pressuring her to abort. I start trying to talk to her about her options etc etc. Her phones ringing like MAD and she tells me it's him and she's ignoring she thought he loved her etc then she gets a text and she tells me he's outside and wants her to come down and talk to him, I look outside and who is it?! YOU GUESSED IT!!!!

My friend is definitely not depressed or suicidal he is just a complete and utter wanker and I am furious. She went with him and i didn't tell her because i don't know what to do. I don't like to get involved in things like this normally but AIBU I'm already involved aren't I?? Fuck sake!!!!

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 21/08/2016 18:53

I would have gone at him hammer and tongs!

Don't trust him to tell her.

Tell cousin EVERYTHING. Tell friend EVERYTHING. Make sure that cousin doesn't tell him that she knows before you get to tell friend otherwise he might drag you down the shit hole bug do it asap.

LlamaDrama · 21/08/2016 18:54

Tell them both. it won't be nice, but worse things will come from not saying anything

imwithspud · 21/08/2016 18:54

Oh shit!

I would definitely tell them both, what an arse. The fact that you know now means you're involved unfortunately, I think you would have ended up involved in some way in the end anyway as he's having an affair with your family member - you're bound to get dragged into it. There will be damage but telling them both will mean you can be there for them in a supportive way, which they will both definitely need rather than someone on the other side iykwim.

Telling your cousins mum would be a good move I think given her vulnerability in the situation.

pussinasda · 21/08/2016 18:56

you need to tell your friend before she marries this prick or even starts planning the wedding. affairs are bad enough but they now there could be a baby involved

WorraLiberty · 21/08/2016 18:57

I'm surprised she didn't have a photo of him on her phone tbh.

Aramynta · 21/08/2016 18:57

Oh Jesus OP.

Tell friend and tell cousin. And make sure your friend doesn't go after your cousin!

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 21/08/2016 18:57

I've just told DH, he's furious and knowing cousin thinks tell her mum would be best, she is very young and naive and extremely upset she will know best what to say.

I'm going to call her now as others are right in pointing out that if I sit on it it will be worse. Fingers crossed it goes well.

OP posts:
CodyKing · 21/08/2016 18:57

Have you spoke to either OP?

It's hard - maybe take another friend to your friends?

Add mom to cousin?

You have no idea what he's doing/pressuring her or how long it's been going on - or even if she's the first or even only one

imwithspud · 21/08/2016 19:00

Good luck op.

WeAllHaveWings · 21/08/2016 19:01

Your cousin is 18 an adult, don't tell her mum, its her private business. Do tell her he is a dick and is engaged to your non suicidal friend. Tell her she needs to make any decisions based on the fact he WILL NOT be around to support her. Have the conversation has soon as practical as she has some big decisions to make, advise her to talk to her mum.

I'd hold off for a few days to see what happens before then telling friend.

Laineymc7 · 21/08/2016 19:03

Good luck with telling her mum. I think the others posters are right in hindsight I wouldn't speak to him at all why give him the catch to make up more lies plus it will get you further involved which you really don't want. You've got to you tell your cousin and then your friend in person. You can explain to your cousin and her mum that you'll be telling your friend.

VanillaSugar · 21/08/2016 19:03

Tell you friend and share her pain as this is your friend and your cousin he's ducked around with. Your cousin needs to tell her mum as there us mental & emotional fall out from this.

SpaceDinosaur · 21/08/2016 19:03

Jesus. No, you couldn't write this could you?!

You're in a horrible horrible position. Support both of the women as best as you can. I admire your strength on doing what I (and other posters) have perceived as the "right" thing in telling them both and helping your cousin find support.

nokidshere · 21/08/2016 19:04

I wouldn't tell her mum, she is an adult and it's not your place. Encourage her to speak to her mum though.

I would tell cousin everything and then friend and then step back and be supportive to both if you can.

DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP · 21/08/2016 19:05

Does your cousin's mum known she is pregnant? If not I wouldn't tell her, even given the situation your cousin has the right to tell her parents herself, especially if you think they will take it badly.

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/08/2016 19:06

Usually I'd say stay out of it but the fiancé already has her doubts, I think you'll lose her as a friend because it's embarrassing to be the last to know.

If the cousin does keep the baby she'll need to have some sort of maintance off him and the fiancé needs to know she'll be supporting another woman's child.

Also she needs an sti test.

truemovies · 21/08/2016 19:06

Please tell both women about this rate-arsed man and don't delay.

truemovies · 21/08/2016 19:07

'Rat-arsed'

sophiestew · 21/08/2016 19:07

I wouldn't tell cousins mum - what's it got to do with her? Cousin is an adult.

I would tell friend and then cousin and then turn my phone off for a month

Bloody awful situation for you OP but all you can do is put them both straight and leave them to sort it out.

Bogeyface · 21/08/2016 19:10

I do think that you need to make both calls at the same time, well as close as you can, to avoid him trying to get his story straight.

Then break his legs.

Joking.

Not.

BeyondLovesSweetDee · 21/08/2016 19:11

Tell both the full truth asap. If you wait, it'll look like you are hiding it and will not end well

Bogeyface · 21/08/2016 19:13

I wouldn't tell cousins mum - what's it got to do with her? Cousin is an adult.

At 18 she is legally an adult but some are still emotionally kids at that age, I am sure the OP knows best the way to approach it, given that she actually knows the girl concerned. And her mum may be able to advise her that if she is keeping the baby in a misguided attempt to "win" the cheater, then she is going to be bitterly disappointed.

Happyhippy45 · 21/08/2016 19:13

If you leave it to him to tell them, he'll prop just spin a pack of lies to save his arse. Why are some men such arseholes?

VanillaSugar · 21/08/2016 19:13

My DF is 18. Yes, she's an adult. But she's still a teenager and teenagers still need a lot of guidance. Especially with something as life changing as this. But cousin needs to tell Mum.

yorkshapudding · 21/08/2016 19:13

I would tell the cousin directly. Going behind her back by speaking to her Mum is inappropriate, she's an adult and spoke to you in confidence. Once you've told her you could suggest that you go to speak to her Mum together so that she will be able to support her, but that has to be her choice.

I would then speak to your friend ASAP before she gets any further with the wedding plans. Tell her everything, not just the affair but also the pregnancy and the lies about her being suicidal etc. That way it will be harder for him to worm his way back in by manipulating her.