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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

You couldn't write this sh*t!!!!!

354 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 21/08/2016 18:36

I literally can not believe what has just happened to me, I am fuming, in shock and shaking...

I have a very good friend, part of the same friendship group wouldn't say she is my bestest friend but always been a good one. I was out for dinner with our group a few nights ago and she was talking about how she is convinced her fiancé is having an affair. We all told her we didn't think he was because tbh he's fantastic and quite obviously loves her and she's just paranoid (always been a bit of a drama queen)...

Now rewind to around a month ago I was at a family function and my younger cousin was there (18) who I'm not exactly close to but we do get on very well. She tells me that she has a new boyfriend I ask why he isn't there, she confides in me that he has a serious girlfriend but that she is depressed and suicidal and he can't leave her Hmm I expressed that it was wrong even if that was his situation because he should be focussing on trying to end it gently, not doing the thing that could push this poor girl over the edge...

So surprise surprise you all know where this is going... I am out today, cousin calls me, can i come over, I can hear she's in tears. Turns out she's pregnant, she wants the baby, the prick is pressuring her to abort. I start trying to talk to her about her options etc etc. Her phones ringing like MAD and she tells me it's him and she's ignoring she thought he loved her etc then she gets a text and she tells me he's outside and wants her to come down and talk to him, I look outside and who is it?! YOU GUESSED IT!!!!

My friend is definitely not depressed or suicidal he is just a complete and utter wanker and I am furious. She went with him and i didn't tell her because i don't know what to do. I don't like to get involved in things like this normally but AIBU I'm already involved aren't I?? Fuck sake!!!!

OP posts:
Million2One · 21/08/2016 23:51

Rosie
Let's all make sure that any advice offered to the OP is written kindly and sensitively, rather judgementally and accusatorily.

My post really wasn't meant to come across like that but I can see that my 'leave her alone' comments sounds harsh. Blush

However I still think the OP should refrain from getting involved. I think it's in her interests. She can put the ring in an envelope and post it through the friend door.

EweAreHere · 21/08/2016 23:54

I would tell them both. The cousin because she's young and vulnerable and has been fed a line of cr*p from this guy, and the friend because this is not someone she should legally tie herself to (without full disclosure at least).

What an *ss. I don't envy you, OP. But I really do think you need to alert them both to what he's like!

WannaBeDifferent · 21/08/2016 23:57

Ewe things have moved on somewhat - RTT Smile

RosieSW · 22/08/2016 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GabsAlot · 22/08/2016 00:07

yes rosie i agree something was telling her dep down

shame she was right in the end

WetHandsItchyNose · 22/08/2016 00:10

Well done op for doing the right thing by your friend and your cousin. They both needed to know the truth to be able to make the best decisions about their futures.

I hope neither of them consider that this excuse for a man will be in their lives moving forward, although that will be more difficult for your cousin to avoid if she decides to keeps the baby.

The twat is displaying manipulative, psychopathic behaviour as described in some of this article:-
www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/10737827/Psychopaths-how-can-you-spot-one.html

I would feel sorry for anybody that was intimately involved with him, now or in the future, if they were (understandably) taken in by his emotionally manipulative behaviour and lies.

EweAreHere · 22/08/2016 00:12

Have now scrolled through... ugh ... OP, you did the right thing.

PrincessFiorimonde · 22/08/2016 00:20

What a dreadful situation! Good luck, OP.

ohfourfoxache · 22/08/2016 00:27

What a disgusting pig of a man Angry

You most definitely did he right thing, and I think you're right to just completely not be involved in any of this now

CafeCremeMerci · 22/08/2016 01:27

You're a right bitch you arel

How can you have been so awful and 'ruined his life'.

Nothing to do with his behaviour of course - fuckwit.

I can't believe he phoned your DH to ask why you got involved. Mysoginistic prick.

I wouldn't 'stay out of it' - your friend & cousin both need your support and an ear to bend who already knows the situation and the other people involved. I'd definitely call or text both of them tomorrow - none of you three have done anything wrong (well your cousin a little bit, but only because the stupid bastard lied to her about the MH of his girlfriend & she's only a young 18).

I'd love to know what your DH said to him.

ImissGrannyW · 22/08/2016 01:34

Horrific situation. Very well handled by you. Flowers

Sorry not got anything better to add!

MrBoot · 22/08/2016 01:58

I haven't read the whole thread but am confused as to how he knew where to go to see her if she was at your house?

MrBoot · 22/08/2016 02:00

Sorry didn't mean to doubt you etc. I will read the full thread, I posted without seeing how long the thread is.

It is horrible being stuck in the middle OP. Hope you are ok.

PaxAmDays · 22/08/2016 02:03

Wine for you OP. What a shit situation! I hope that your cousin doesn't end up with the cockwomble and that your friend is OK.

champagneformyrealfriends good name!

Champagneformyrealfriends · 22/08/2016 07:12

Thanks Pax-I can't take credit lol it's half a song title Grin

SanityClause · 22/08/2016 07:17

Y were at the cousin's house, MrBoot. It's in the OP.

SanityClause · 22/08/2016 07:18

*They

ShebaShimmyShake · 22/08/2016 07:55

I don't understand all the troll hunting. Do so many people live in a world where men are never unfaithful and duplicitous, never get their partners pregnant, and where mutual acquaintances don't exist?

I personally know a number of situations like this, where a man was married/engaged/committed, and got someone else pregnant. I've just been lucky that I've never been the mutual acquaintance who found out and had to tell anyone.

Batteriesallgone · 22/08/2016 08:04

Sheba. I've seen it. Where the mutual connection was a bloke who found out a year before the wedding but decided to keep out of it. Two months after a big expensive marriage the brides parents paid for it all fell apart. Cheater shacked up with OW and baby, bride (my friend) never really recovered her confidence. Relationships but no LTR, no family. 40 now and worried she's too old for the whole LTR and kids thing (I know she's not, but it upsets her that it would feel rushed if it happens).

The friend in this scenario had a lucky escape really although obviously she won't be feeling that Sad

phillipp · 22/08/2016 08:15

It does happen a lot. I used to be a wedding planner.

I have heard every story when it comes to cancelling weddings.

The most memorable was the 'mental ex girlfriend' (groom to be, words not mine) who called pretending to be the bride and cancelled the whole wedding. I was suspicions called the bride back, she confirmed it wasn't her that called. At the next meeting the groom tells me his ex is 'mental' and can't get over him.

Two weeks before the wedding, the bride comes in. The groom was sleeping with his ex girlfriend. The ex tried to cancel the wedding on his request. Then he blamed the ex.

Shockingly not it turned out the ex wasn't 'mental' at all. She thought the bride was suicidal and he couldn't get out of the wedding. That's why she called and cancelled it. He said it would be the only way to get out of it. I think he was hoping by the time the bride found out, it would be too late to reinstate the arrangements.

I also booked a wedding in for a 'bob and Linda'. 3 months before the wedding it changed to 'Dave and Linda'. (Not real names)

She broke up with her fiancé and was marrying his best friend. The wedding stayed exactly the same. Just the groom that was different.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 22/08/2016 08:33

Just to update everyone abit I've had an extremely eventful night...

Friend called me in tears, to answer someone's question before no she is definitely not pregnant even though they were ttc, apparently it turns out that when she became suspicious she stopped (month or so ago). I finally got the story that the reason she became suspicious were things like she'd caught him talking on his phone in the car, in the bathroom with the taps switched on, phone off for hours etc etc all things that are pretty standard. I think that the shock has passed and now she's left devastated and angry. She feels extreme guilt because her parents are not particularly well off but were adamant they would pay for majority of her wedding, he knew that and after how kind and welcoming they have been to him they also feel betrayed, at this point I told her about the ring to which she sheepishly pointed out that she had thrown it in anger not to actually lose it so she's glad I found it and yes she will be selling it along with apparently a few very expensive items he has bought her (he's a flash git) so that she can pay them back, thank god it's only a few deposits).
I'm having her and all our group round tonight and she's going to tell them with my support so they'll be plenty Wine she said that she doesn't blame my cousin she just thinks she's a kid who got sucked in by his charm and money and was probably impressed but she has asked me to never expect them to be in the same room to which I obviously understand. She hasn't answered any of his calls since they spoke at my house apart from a text that confirmed that the wedding was definitely off AND she called his mum Shock apparently she is disgusted with him and won't be talking to him anytime soon and fully supports my friend.

Cousin sent me a text in the early hours saying thank you for telling her mum, she didn't have the balls to but she's glad I did and that she'll call me today.

The scumbag had the fucking audacity to call my DH and tell him that I should "watch out" didn't go down to well at all, I have never ever seen my DH go off the way he did which made me feel nice and protected by him Smile

This has been the strangest event of my life I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 22/08/2016 08:35

Sorry I meant when I was at her house

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 22/08/2016 08:37

We had a similar situation, in the family, two weeks ago, except the OW isn't pregnant.

The (wronged) partner is going round in circles, still, two weeks later. You'd think its an easy decision to end things, but there's still a lot of emotions involved.

The whole initial fallout (he confessed in front of us!), only took about twenty minutes, then she wanted to be alone, over night.

She to, had been telling us that he was carrying on. I'm starting to think that long term partners, know, when this is happening and even if someone is a 'drama queen', they shouldn't be dismissed.

We don't feel that we know him and he's lied to us all. He even lied that he'd taken drugs, to cover up being missing, on occasions.

The Cousin now needs support to decide what she wants to do, based on being a LP, which isn't easy to convince someone when they are full of pregnancy hormones, after being strung along. We've had that senario, as well.

To close friends/family, the Women have said that they'd wished they'd ended the pregnancy, if they'd known what life would be like attached to an arsewipe excuse as a father.

Birdsgottafly · 22/08/2016 08:41

What I will say OP, is don't go overboard in your condemnation of him, to her.

If your Cousin goes ahead with the pregnancy, it'll always be a reminder, or rather you will.

Don't talk about your Cousins side of things, other than to say she's been fed a load of lies and then let the rest have their say.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 22/08/2016 08:48

I hope your husband did bloody go off on him! What a bastard threatening you!

I really feel for your cousin. Your friend has had a lucky escape, she'll meet someone else and look back on this as a bad time in her life. Your cousin, if she keeps the baby, will be stuck with that twat all her life OR have a termination but potentially always remember this as her first pregnancy when she does have a family. And before anyone says that she shouldn't have slept with an engaged man-she's 18 and clearly a very young 18. He took advantage of that.

Op you did the right thing Flowers