To be annoyed at baby being passed around like a toy....

[littleladybird14]

Went to relatives of my DH this week who we don't see that often. There were lots of other people there who I vaguely know (often at their family gatherings but no relation to us). It was the first time we were bringing our newborn DS to show to DH relative. Once we got there and said our initial hellos my DH offered his relative a hold of our DS. She cooed and held him for a matter of minutes before announcing to the room, 'anyone else want a go?'. He then got passed to three people I vaguely know to say hello to as if he was some sort of toy and without any recognition to either myself or my DS if that would be OK.

AIBU to be annoyed? If i put myself in the other position I wouldn't hold someone's baby unless I knew them fairly well and the parents had directly offered, or if in this case I'd been offered by someone else I'd out of courtesy check with the DP that that would be OK. Felt like my poor DS was passed around like a parcel and I couldn't say anything without offending someone (so I ended up being the one feeling upset!).

I meant reasonable!!!! Sorry!!!

Ah scatty good got you and hopefully you will feel more in control soon. It can be a mad mad time. I think we totally down play the trauma and shock of birth. Never mind antenatal care we need far far more post natal care and support and counsellors to talk through and make sense of births.
I honestly believe some PND is directly a result of shock and trauma post birth and early support and counselling could avoid long term issues.

Hi ! Please stop beating yourself up, I know how that feels. You're instinct is spot on. I also think its reasonable to not won't anyone to come into contact with your baby that you don't trust, like or particularly don't know.. and not to mentioned what bugs are on them, babies are vulnerable. Babies are not objects....you are its only advocate, it can't consent to weirdo or annoying relatives with no understanding of boundaries. Many people have no idea about respecting boundaries, kiss babies on the face, wake them up when their sleepy and a lot of the time these people have had children....."give me strength" - go get yourselves a cabbage patch doll... umm do they still sell those? anyway I digress.... All for the holders benefit, they can get stuffed :) with a smell on your face of course. Bit of a journey for any mum that struggled asserting boundaries before the bundle of squidge came along. I think its a habit you could get used to :) GOODLUCK fello mumsnetter x

Hi ! Please stop beating yourself up, I know how that feels. You're instinct is spot on. I also think its reasonable to not won't anyone to come into contact with your baby that you don't trust, like or particularly don't know.. and not to mentioned what bugs are on them, babies are vulnerable. Babies are not objects....you are its only advocate, it can't consent to weirdo or annoying relatives with no understanding of boundaries. Many people have no idea about respecting boundaries, kiss babies on the face, wake them up when their sleeping and a lot of the time these people have had children....."give me strength" - go get yourselves a cabbage patch doll... umm do they still sell those? anyway I digress.... All for the holders benefit, they can get stuffed :) with a smell on your face of course. Bit of a journey for any mum that struggled asserting boundaries before the bundle of squidge came along. I think its a habit you could get used to :) GOODLUCK fello mumsnetter x

TYPO: sorry thats a smile on your face I should imagine a smell could help put them of though, I may try that one

Well if I ever come to visit I absolutely guarantee I won't ever expect to hold your baby.

It always strikes me as overrated.

Thats helpful Der

In a few weeks time when you are desperate for just a few minutes to yourself, I think that you will look back at this and think differently.

presumably these relatives of your DH's weren't strangers to him?

Ladybird that was a reply to BertandRussell who said you know them as they are always at you family gatherings, I was quoting you to point out that you don't.

YANBU at all.

My daughter is 8 weeks old and I have the same feelings. It's a primitive instinct to not want your baby to be away from you and if I didn't get these feelings I would be concerned! It's all part of being maternal. Some of the posters sound like they've never had children so they wouldn't know what it feels like to watch their baby being passed around.

Being passed around has left my baby extremely over tired on the occasions we have had family visiting. It's not fair on the baby or the parents, who are left to deal with the effects of their baby being passed around.

Also, Icy, my baby is the result of IVF and I have spent a lot of time on the infertility board. This has made my daughter all the more precious to me and even less likely to want her being passed around.

I think yabu.

Yorkie you sound like a fab MIL!!

It is not wrong to be anxious about people you don't know being offered cuddles of your baby without anyone giving you the nod. You don't know anything about them (cold sores/last bit of a cold etc).

I guess if you aren't happy you take baby back smiling and saying "mummy cuddles now".

Family/close friends are different to someone you know just to pass at parties - you shouldn't have to feel anxious about it. It is all very well saying you shouldn't feel odd about it - you did and therefore you have the right to stop it happening.

Once they get a bit older than newborn then you are likely to chill out - but until then, just work with what you have/feel now.

YABU unless they were drunk or otherwise offensive which I presume they were not. If the baby was crying or distressed then fine. If not you are being a bit pfb.

As long as the baby wasn't getting upset by it I couldn't give a hoot who held them, where, for how long or if I was nearby. In the scheme of things it's a tiny proportion of their lives (and the people holding them) that I can't get worked up about it.

If the baby was upset I'd expect anyone of my family/friends to return them. Which they did. Because they didn't want to hold a crying baby who clearly needed something they couldn't (being breastfed) give or wanted to do (change a dirty nappy).

Turning the question around.

Who wants to be passed a baby, who isn't the child of immediate family, to cuddle when either parent is not happy with the situation?

Who wants to cuddle a baby even though its parents, your immediate family , are not comfortable with it?

Yorkie, so great to hear from a MIL being the advocate of both parents. If all women were like you mumsnet would be a lot quieter!

Also worth noting that not wanting to play pass the baby is not the same as not wanting to let anyone else have a cuddle.

"Also worth noting that not wanting to play pass the baby is not the same as not wanting to let anyone else have a cuddle."

What's the difference then?

Sorry rabbit misunderstood X

And yes yorkie you sound like an amazing MIL!! Mines a stress head around both children smothering them to some degree when they are upset but then my eldest adores her for all the playful times. She wouldn't stand up for me in such situation and has for my first born made me quite upset with remarks to me that I wasn't doing things right, my DH had to have words!!

Pictish. You can cuddle a baby and then return it to the parents rather than asking "who wants a turn ".

I think its nice for everyone to have a cuddle, babies bring happiness! I let my cousins kids hold LO too as I can remember being young and desperate to hold any baby!
Once at a wedding I was standing next to the groom who was holding a baby (I had no idea who the child was) and he was called up to the dance floor and just handed me the baby. I wandered around trying to find a parent or a relative of the child and after about 5minutes the mother ran up and grabbed the baby, I tried to explain but she was off! Poor woman!

I'm the one who is silently counting the number of acceptable seconds until I can get rid of it - have often foisted an unwanted baby that had been dumped on me to whoever is sat next to me.

Not everyone has an urge to cuddle babies.

"So kindly take your opinion elsewhere." Where? :o

I'd forgotten that dreaded feeling when someone takes your newborn out of your sight! That bit does get easier

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I copped a lot of grief about standing my ground on this one,but it seems like people seem to view a new baby as an object, rather than a sentient being. Not many paid attention to her comfort of even continued to show an interest in her once they held her, so what was the point. I am ok with people holding her if she seems ok with it, if she has had a chance to get used to the idea (i.e not straight as they walk in the door) and if they treat her with respect. It seems crazy that treating babies with respect is seen as unreasonable or dismissed as being PFB. I wouldn't enjoy being passed around as an object, why is is suddenly ok to do it with a baby?