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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at baby being passed around like a toy....

160 replies

littleladybird14 · 21/08/2016 02:27

Went to relatives of my DH this week who we don't see that often. There were lots of other people there who I vaguely know (often at their family gatherings but no relation to us). It was the first time we were bringing our newborn DS to show to DH relative. Once we got there and said our initial hellos my DH offered his relative a hold of our DS. She cooed and held him for a matter of minutes before announcing to the room, 'anyone else want a go?'. He then got passed to three people I vaguely know to say hello to as if he was some sort of toy and without any recognition to either myself or my DS if that would be OK.

AIBU to be annoyed? If i put myself in the other position I wouldn't hold someone's baby unless I knew them fairly well and the parents had directly offered, or if in this case I'd been offered by someone else I'd out of courtesy check with the DP that that would be OK. Felt like my poor DS was passed around like a parcel and I couldn't say anything without offending someone (so I ended up being the one feeling upset!).Hmm

OP posts:
coconutpie · 22/08/2016 19:05

YANBU. It's not PFB either, long before I had DC I hated seeing babies passed around like a parcel - I find it highly disrespectful to a baby to be passed to strangers. It's totally making the baby into an object rather than a little human being who should be respected. Ugh. People are so selfish that they just want to fill THEIR need of wanting a cuddle rather than thinking what is best for the baby (which is not getting passed around).

Wind Willows - OMG I can't believe that stupid cow left a scratch on your baby's face from her nails!! Stupid careless bitch.

boozysuzy16 · 22/08/2016 19:09

Congratulations. What Id give for DH's family to be that interested in our DC. They couldn't care less.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2016 19:15

"People are so selfish that they just want to fill THEIR need of wanting a cuddle rather than thinking what is best for the baby (which is not getting passed around)."

Why do you think it's best for the baby not to be passed round to friends and family who love him?

icy121 · 22/08/2016 19:17

The women on the infertility board would give their back teeth to have a baby to pass around. Just count your blessings.

And before all the "this isn't yet time or the place" brigade start (all of whom I've no doubt haven't spent 3 years and £10k on effectively nothing), this is an AIBU thread, so open to all opinions. If you don't want barren women commenting then put the thread somewhere where we won't intrude.

RabbitSaysWoof · 22/08/2016 19:34

This used to upset me too. People who like holding babies conclude that it's the newborn that loves to be passed around.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2016 19:35

What makes anyone think babies don't like being adored by their tribe?

frangipani13 · 22/08/2016 19:38

Yorkie I wish you were my MIL!

RabbitSaysWoof · 22/08/2016 19:44

It's a convenient assumption if you like holding strangers newborns.
Some babies like some things, others don't. They are a lot like people in that way.
How do you know that they all do? have you asked them all?

Yorkieheaven · 22/08/2016 19:47

Ah thanks frang both my dils are wonderful but one far more capable of holding her own than the other so that's my job to protect her. Of course ds does a great job too but he's polite with relatives Grin I am not.

icy I think you have every right to comment and yes absolutely aibu is a tough site but feelings around babies are visceral and raw for many people those barren and those who have just given birth. Every woman's feelings are of equal value.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2016 19:48

Well, my babies were certainly able to express their likes and dislikes from very early on indeed.

Yorkieheaven · 22/08/2016 19:50

I don't think any new born cares actually really but it's mums feelings that matter isn't it? We can't ask the baby but we can ask mum and her feelings trump great aunt beryl etc

Yorkieheaven · 22/08/2016 19:51

Yes but probably not about being passed around? It's just food, wind and well food and wind in the early weeks. Smile

Historygeek · 22/08/2016 19:53

Yanbu and I would also recommend getting a sling/wrap for the baby.

Original poster
littleladybird14 · 22/08/2016 19:54

icy whilst of course I sympathise with any infertility situation it feels a bit unfair to throw that card in, if that was a reason for the thread being unreasonable you could count 90% of mumsnet threads as such. We all suffer our own insecurities and doesn't really help being told I should be grateful that I have a baby at all Confused. Of course I'm grateful, that's why I don't like strangers poking and prodding DS.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 22/08/2016 20:04

"I don't think any new born cares actually really but it's mums feelings that matter isn't it? We can't ask the baby but we can ask mum and her feelings trump great aunt beryl etc"

You see (dons tin hat) I don't actually think that the mum's feeling should always come first. I think sometimes we have very strong instinctive feelings that we need to think about and apply our intellect to. A baby doesn't belong to anyone- but it's part of a wider family. And I think links to that wider family are incredibly important. I might not be able to abide Great Aunt Beryl- but holding the baby might give her more pleasure than she's had in years. And, just as an example, I have pictures of my dd being held by great great grandma who was 105 and died shortly afterwards. She's 20 now, and absolutely adores that those pictures. I suppose I come from a blend of cultural heritages were the very concept of a baby not being joyously welcomed to the clan would be completely alien. I don't know. I just find this "my baby-my cuddles" thing just so sad and joyless......

RabbitSaysWoof · 22/08/2016 20:18

The threads about people who barely know the parents passing him around tho, more public property than meeting the family.

Yorkieheaven · 22/08/2016 20:19

Bertrand I totally agree with you but I think your angle is coming from a mum with a string living supportive family who mum loves.

Not all families are like this. Not all families actually do care about mums feelings. Some families are bloody mean and manipulative.

My dils family ar like this and as such we cannot assume we are singing from the save hymn sheet so as her experiences have shaped her so must we support.

Some families are joy less as you say so you have to support and nurture those brought up like this and undestand. Just because you didn't mind doesn't mean others don't.

And In my opinion if you have pushed the baby out of your body you get to set the rules.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2016 20:20

But people who are always at family gatherings........

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2016 20:28

Well, I love some of them and some of them are supportive! But some of them- particularly in both wider families I barely know.

Yes of course if the baby isn't brought back the minute it shows the slightest sign of not being happy, then that's unacceptable. But nobody is saying that- they are just vetoing "handing round" absolutely.

RabbitSaysWoof · 22/08/2016 20:32

But people who are always at family gatherings........

just annoyed at him being passed to what were essentially strangers.

Original poster
littleladybird14 · 22/08/2016 21:14

Rabbit

Doesn't mean I've ever spoken to them other than a courtesy hello - they are not friends or relatives of me or DH

OP posts:
AppleSetsSail · 22/08/2016 21:29

Bertrand I totally agree with you but I think your angle is coming from a mum with a string living supportive family who mum loves.

Not all families are like this. Not all families actually do care about mums feelings. Some families are bloody mean and manipulative.

Fair enough, but I don't think that's what we're talking about here.

And In my opinion if you have pushed the baby out of your body you get to set the rules

I don't find these kinds of platitudes useful. Of course the mother (and father - remember this guy too) get to set the rules. Just remember that we have babies for fleeting moments and once it's over, you're the grandmother or auntie or great auntie featuring in the stories above.

And also remember that the affection we have for newborn babies is in most cases a reflection of the affection we have for their parents.

Yorkieheaven · 22/08/2016 21:42

Still think it's mums feelings that trump though.

Yorkieheaven · 22/08/2016 21:47

Apple not sure what you mean by a platitude?

I didn't have mr babies for fleeting moments my 4 babies are still my babies even grown up. Grin

I am a gran/great aunt/niece/mil/dd/sil/aunt/mum/ but I still remember how it feels to be a new mum and sometimes new mums don't see the bigger picture. So what, so it's up to us older mums to support and protect their feelings.

That's not a platitude that's the reality of life. Or should be

scattychicken · 22/08/2016 22:09

I totally think it's unreasonable. I said no visitors for first week! Except Grandparents. And even then I made them wash their hands. And sat next to them. I had a very traumatic birth, and was in pain and hormonal. No-one was going to hold my baby if I didn't want them to, and only for as long as I wanted them too. That was my baby I was still bonding with, and it was in my control to who held him, when not much else felt like it was! NBU. Xxx