To be annoyed at baby being passed around like a toy....

[littleladybird14]

Went to relatives of my DH this week who we don't see that often. There were lots of other people there who I vaguely know (often at their family gatherings but no relation to us). It was the first time we were bringing our newborn DS to show to DH relative. Once we got there and said our initial hellos my DH offered his relative a hold of our DS. She cooed and held him for a matter of minutes before announcing to the room, 'anyone else want a go?'. He then got passed to three people I vaguely know to say hello to as if he was some sort of toy and without any recognition to either myself or my DS if that would be OK.

AIBU to be annoyed? If i put myself in the other position I wouldn't hold someone's baby unless I knew them fairly well and the parents had directly offered, or if in this case I'd been offered by someone else I'd out of courtesy check with the DP that that would be OK. Felt like my poor DS was passed around like a parcel and I couldn't say anything without offending someone (so I ended up being the one feeling upset!).

I dislike this attitude towards babies too; they don't exist for other people's gratification.

I remember when DS was a newborn, DH saying to his mother, "he's not a toy", to which she responded, "yes he is!"

No, he's not.

I sympathize. I think offering someone else's baby around for a cuddle is inappropriate. "Anyone else want a go," makes the baby sound like a plaything, and implies the baby is hers to hand around.

And even if you are being a pfb, which I disagree with, part of being a new Mum is finding out what you are comfortable with.

I kind of see this both ways.
Relatives and people you know in a controlled environment I am okay with but
I went to a wedding with my 4 week old twins and the bride picked up one twin whilst I was breastfeeding the other, next thing I knew one twin was completely out of sight (different room) so I had to get up from feeding to find him again was being held by a complete stranger and when I said I was taking him back realised she had left a lovely scratch along his forehead with her acrylic nails.

Pfb or not I would never ask to hold a strangers baby, or someone I didn't know well, especially if they hadn't asked or offered. Why would you want to,

I used to feel a bit "hurt" if people didn't fancy or want a short cuddle of my tiny, baby powder smelling, weeny fingered, dressed in a newborn outfit picked specially for "showing her off in" brand new daughter. She was so unexpected and my only one and I just wanted people to love her as much as I did. I love holding tiny, new babies (if offered naturally) and for some people, including a very, very dear friend of mine, she didn't have children and she confided to me once that she felt very honoured to be able to snuggle her at 6 days old and I could see the joy on her face as she breathed in her scent, touched her hair and my DD grasped her finger in her little hand.

Maybe it's just me.

Isn't this what always happens? Passing them around. It's like pass the parcel When I can't avoid it, and after said newborn has been thrust into my arms, I will hold for a few seconds out of politeness then pass on to the next eagerly awaiting person, or one of the parents

Yanbu - a woman at this toddler group I go to had a gorgeous newborn and I didn't ask for a hold although I was truely desperate

She then offered another woman a hold who turned her down!! I still didn't ask tho as I think it's rude.

I love babies

I think you've got to understand that whether it is or isn't right to pass a baby round to lots of people, every mum is going to feel differently about it. I absolutely HATED it. Whether that was daft, irrational or what, I don't care, that was how I felt. I realised many years later that I had anxiety - anyone taking my baby just totally freaked me out. It was genuinely distressing to me.

I'd be annoyed if that were my puppy, let alone a whole baby. Its not pass the parcel.

It's funny how a turn of phrase can somehow make us see things differently.

When I read that you had taken your baby 'to show' to the relatives (which is a turn of phrase people wouldn't usually attach to a human being) I did then think it's funny that you were annoyed that the relatives responded as though your DC was 'a toy' and that their turn of phrase got your back up.

I don't think it's unreasonable to not want your baby handed over to the next person every two minutes, but people do get excited by new babies and it's probably best to try to see it as a nice thing that they're interested.

I see both sides. There's no actual harm done, but it does feel a bit weird. I found it weird when mine were newborns. It just felt to me like they weren't being viewed as a new person, but as an object to "have a turn" with. I never said anything though, as it does just seem to be what happens, no harm to baby (assuming people give the baby back when it needs you looking at you, SIL ) and I was aware it was probably some irrational hormonal thing.

The thing that wound me up, before my eldest met the in-laws, was a group chat message with the wider in-law family, and MIL sending messages saying "well, as granny I get the first hold, and for the longest, then I'll pass her to grandpa, and then when I say so, he'll pass her to SIL, and then she'll go to BIL, and then back to me, and then cousins and aunts and uncle can have a turn"....

Sadly that's not an exaggeration, that's pretty much word for word what her message to everyone said... So that made me dislike the "pass the baby" game even more! But I think it's a separate issue with my in-laws..! Hopefully not all families are like that!

Yanbu at all.

They aren't a toy to be passed about. I always hated this and baby number six is now four months and a I still don't like it. I keep my babies close, use slings et yes of course they get cuddled by others, hell i have let random old ladies at hospital etc hold them if I get chatting to them in waiting room. On holiday in Whitby this week sat at the harbour to feed him and old lady near me got chatting and I asked her if she wanted a cuddle as she was so interested. But it's when I know baby will be happy, so not if he is tired, fussy, likely to get over stimulated and I stay close so he can see me etc. And he isn't handed from person to person in quick succession like pass the parcel.

YANBU to dislike it. But if so, why not take the baby back?

It's not just about you, though - both my babies really enjoy(ed) being passed around and meeting new people, having new faces to look at.

The following are all normal human feelings:
(a) people wanting to see/hold a young baby
(b) parents wanting to keep their young baby close to them
(c) babies wanting to be with their parents
(d) babies enjoying meeting new people

I don't think anyone in the OP's scenario was being unreasonable.

YANBU

I felt the same when SIL was doing the same with our dd. She was passed around the same 4 people several times in the space of an hour. But, at the time I didn't feel like I could say anything as it was DH's family and I was already being guilt tripped by DH at the time to let his mother do what she wanted when she wanted.

Next time (if there's a next time) - I really would recommend the "back to mummy now" and taking baby back yourself. Not the easiest thing to do when it's DH's family. But a lot easier than dealing with an unsettled baby who has been passed around for however long xx

@Tollygunge
I agree with you. People are being kind and showing affection. For heaven's sake how precious can some people get?

It's not being precious at all. Op has pointed out that these were people that she very vaguely knows. I'd be feeling the same as she does to be honest (in fact I actually did when mil passed dd to someone that I don't know and had never met). It's not a case of not wanting people to show love and affection, it's more a case of the baby being treated like a play thing to be passed around however they pleased

I disagree. They are not treating a baby as a toy. That is a ridiculous conclusion.

I don't understand the idea where some people seem to think that because they are related to op's dh then they can do as they please with the baby. Op isn't saying that she didn't want any of them to have cuddles. She's just saying that she didn't want lo passing around from one person to another without her say so, which she is well within her right to feel.

I think TheLongRains hit the nail on the head. The baby wasn't being viewed as a real person, just something to have a turn of. Which to me, really does come across that he was just being treated like a toy to play pass the parcel with

Thanks all for your thoughts, glad the majority agree I wasn't BU . Will be investing in a moby sling, already on my eBay watch list

I love to cuddle a baby. Totally. There's nothing better.
But I don't like them being passed round.
There are so many reasons why it's not a good idea.
People smoke. It clings to their clothes.
People have cold sores. Very dangerous to newborns.
People have pets. They have pet hair on their clothes. Which is fine. Until you discover your child has asthma or allergies first hand.
You have no idea what germs or viruses people have. Just like a puppy, newborns have little protection.
Then there's the issue of the baby's comfort. Newborns can barely see. They just want their mums. They want to feel and smell and hear her. Not a bunch of weirs smelling strangers.

Newborns get over stimulated easily.
It's lovely to get hugs. I adore it, but there's no harm in waiting for a few weeks.
It's not precious to not want to have your child passed around like pass the parcel. It's having your child's best interests at heart.

YANBU. I hated this. It wasn't always rational and I think post natal hormones were at play but it would make me so agitated seeing people passing my baby around from person to person without asking and people I barely knew.
Having said that.. I remember being the person doing the passing around before I had kids. It never occurred to me that the mother might be secretly fuming inside. I cringe now thinking about it.
It's great advice about the baby wearing. And if you do get into that situation and feel uncomfortable I would just make an excuse 'I'm just going to see if he needs a feed/change his nappy/he's getting tired' and go over and take him back.

Really can't get my head around this at all. What are you afraid of these people doing to your child except enjoy a cuddle with a new born ? Is that really such a bad thing ? As for them being strangers, you said they were people who were always at your DH's family gatherings so whilst strangers to you, they are probably very much friends of your in laws and your DH , it's his baby too you know !