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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed at baby being passed around like a toy....

160 replies

littleladybird14 · 21/08/2016 02:27

Went to relatives of my DH this week who we don't see that often. There were lots of other people there who I vaguely know (often at their family gatherings but no relation to us). It was the first time we were bringing our newborn DS to show to DH relative. Once we got there and said our initial hellos my DH offered his relative a hold of our DS. She cooed and held him for a matter of minutes before announcing to the room, 'anyone else want a go?'. He then got passed to three people I vaguely know to say hello to as if he was some sort of toy and without any recognition to either myself or my DS if that would be OK.

AIBU to be annoyed? If i put myself in the other position I wouldn't hold someone's baby unless I knew them fairly well and the parents had directly offered, or if in this case I'd been offered by someone else I'd out of courtesy check with the DP that that would be OK. Felt like my poor DS was passed around like a parcel and I couldn't say anything without offending someone (so I ended up being the one feeling upset!).Hmm

OP posts:
Eliza22 · 22/08/2016 15:45

YANBU. I hated it too. Remember going to a friend's when DS was about three weeks old. She had a house full and everyone was passing him round. Everyone was coughing and snuffling....it was the week before Xmas. I couldn't wait to leave.

ollieplimsoles · 22/08/2016 15:48

Oh yuk I hated my precious tiny dd being passed around like a toy at family get together, I always took her back and left the room.

AppleSetsSail · 22/08/2016 15:49

When my first baby arrives, me and DH have made sure people have already been prepped that 'visits' do not instantly equate to 'cuddles'.
Our baby. Our cuddles.
And sod this constant 'ooh but everyone wants a cuddle', NO.

You sound lovely. I bet you have people queueing up to visit.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2016 15:52

I don't get this "it's a baby, not a toy"

Do you think that a baby's adult family would want to cuddle and coo over a plastic doll?

sorenipples · 22/08/2016 15:59

Some people see pass the baby as the main purpose of newborns, other people find it objectifying and upsetting. As long as baby is happy and healthy I think parents are entitled to choose which ever approach they are comfortable with. Emphasis on parents, not random great aunt. YANBU.

I do think that the new mum gets forgotten in favour of wider family in a lot of threads like this. Not every mum bounces straight back after birth, and it seems really harsh (and a risk factor for PND) to expect them to ignore hormones and instinct if they are telling them to stay close to and/or in control of the little one . Emphasis if.

Personally I always look to the mum if someone else offers me a newborn baby.

HuskyLover1 · 22/08/2016 16:00

Babywearing?? So that no-one, apart from the Mum, can ever hold the baby?? I've heard it all now. Good luck with that when you want to start venturing out and leave the baby with a sitter. It'll not be used to anyone else.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2016 16:01

"Objectifying"??????????

ollieplimsoles · 22/08/2016 16:04

I agree with mums getting forgotten when new baby arrives. I know I felt totally pushes aside at times by certain family members and I just hated it, especially when they thought they knew what my DD wanted and they didn't...

ImYourMama · 22/08/2016 16:05

She's due in December, peak cold and flu season, why on earth would I expose my longed for baby to germs and over stimulation to appease friends and family?

But then I'm also 'one of those' who believes that the first 10 days are for no one but me and DH.

HuskyLover1 · 22/08/2016 16:06

When my first baby arrives, me and DH have made sure people have already been prepped that 'visits' do not instantly equate to 'cuddles'.
Our baby. Our cuddles
.

By far, the most ridiculous thing I've read on Mumsnet.

frangipani13 · 22/08/2016 16:07

Sorenipples you have articulated this perfectly.

sorenipples · 22/08/2016 16:08

"Degrade to status of mere object"

Clearly not how you view it Bertrand!

Proxyparent · 22/08/2016 16:11

You are so sweet, I am guessing you sound like a new mum. It's ok to pass a baby around - it's an out of date culture esp at a naming ceremony or parties, some places still do it - there's nothing to be upset about, next time don’t miss the chance to take photos :)

AnnaMarlowe · 22/08/2016 16:15

I'm Confused at the various people who said "no one will care about them in x amount of time"

Really? Not in our families. The wider family are all just as keen to see/visit with the children as ever.

They didn't just go off them one they started toddling. How odd.

sleepwhatsleep · 22/08/2016 16:21

My DS is 5 weeks old and I've just gone through this and it is horrible. Its so strange - I wanted to be social and show him off but when people were actually in the house/holding him I suddenly became anxious. On one of the obligatory visits a relative was present who I had only met maybe 2-3 times before (and was not informed she would be there, she had never visited before in the 6 years I've been with OH but a baby appears and suddenly we're popular) she decided to undress DS because she "wanted to see his little tiny feet". Angry

I think hope they saw my face as DS was passed back to me soon after. I get that people will pass him around and have a cuddle - but undress him without even looking at me to see if its okay first? When my baby was settled and sleeping? Not okay!

If someone tried to do it now I think I would have the confidence to say something.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2016 16:25

Oh, I know what "objectifying" means. I just don't see how it can possibly apply to a group of people admiring. cuddling, cooing over, petting, getting to know and generally practically worshipping a baby!

sleepwhatsleep · 22/08/2016 16:25

Babywearing?? So that no-one, apart from the Mum, can ever hold the baby?? I've heard it all now. Good luck with that when you want to start venturing out and leave the baby with a sitter. It'll not be used to anyone else.

Well if I want to leave my DS with a sitter it will be a close relative. That is, one or maybe two close relatives who will see him regularly anyway in the normal run of things. Not a room full of people who I may or may not see again within the next 6 months anyway, which may or may not include second cousins, aunts who live 30 miles away and the neighbour's parrot. Smile

So kindly take your opinion elsewhere.

HuskyLover1 · 22/08/2016 16:53

Well if I want to leave my DS with a sitter it will be a close relative. That is, one or maybe two close relatives who will see him regularly anyway in the normal run of things. Not a room full of people who I may or may not see again within the next 6 months anyway, which may or may not include second cousins, aunts who live 30 miles away and the neighbour's parrot. smile

So you won't trust an Aunty, just because she lives 30 miles away? And a second cousin isn't to be trusted either? Nor a friend? My sister lives 330 miles away and I would trust her with my children (they are adults now). Why wouldn't I?

So kindly take your opinion elsewhere

Why, just because you don't agree?

sleepwhatsleep · 22/08/2016 17:28

So you won't trust an Aunty, just because she lives 30 miles away? And a second cousin isn't to be trusted either? Nor a friend? My sister lives 330 miles away and I would trust her with my children (they are adults now). Why wouldn't I?

You missed the point entirely. I'm sure I can trust my relatives that live miles away. But regardless of how well you think I have socialised my DS, he isn't going to be as comfortable being left with an auntie he barely sees (due to distance) compared to relatives he sees several times a month because they live in the same town. Regardless of how many people I pass him to/introduce him to. It's just common sense.

If I hardly see these relatives (due to whatever reason) then no, I don't feel obligated to suddenly host them at my house, or let anyone pass him around at a BBQ or party or whatever.

AppleSetsSail · 22/08/2016 18:42

There will be so many points during your baby's first year that you will be desperate for anyone but you to be holding her - you might want to consider toning down the 'my baby, my cuddles' comments so that you can call upon your family for help.

Zippidydoodah · 22/08/2016 18:43

ImYourMama- you do sound a bit ridiculous. Both my parents and my inlaws met my first, "longed for" baby in the delivery suite!! The wards were busy so I was left on there for a few hours. I literally couldn't (and didn't) wait to introduce them to their first grandchild.

But of course your baby, your rules.

littleladybird14 · 22/08/2016 18:53

Sorenipples you have articulated this perfectly

I completely agree! DS is my second born, but having suffered with anxiety with my first these situations do probably stress me out more than it would for others Hmm

OP posts:
Yorkieheaven · 22/08/2016 18:54

Op I totally get you and my youngest is 17. My lovely dil gets anxious when our big family all coo and want to hold so I see it as my place to be the muscle mutt and as soon as I see her not happy I pass him back to her and say mummy time. She's from a small and not supportive family and it's up to us to support her wishes and feelings as she's mummy.

I won't have my dad for instance walking off with him. He calls me a smothering gran. Don't care. My dils feelings come before other relatives.

Incidentally I feel it's good manners to wait until the parents pass you a baby and not assume you can cuddle and undress! No bloody way.

It's fine if some posters don't mind but don't belittle those mums who do. That's not fair.

icy121 · 22/08/2016 18:54

As self-appointed spokesperson for the barren ghetto that is the infertility section of this site..... Sorry dude, you need bigger problems.

littleladybird14 · 22/08/2016 19:01

icy huh?HmmConfused

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