To be annoyed at baby being passed around like a toy....

[littleladybird14]

Went to relatives of my DH this week who we don't see that often. There were lots of other people there who I vaguely know (often at their family gatherings but no relation to us). It was the first time we were bringing our newborn DS to show to DH relative. Once we got there and said our initial hellos my DH offered his relative a hold of our DS. She cooed and held him for a matter of minutes before announcing to the room, 'anyone else want a go?'. He then got passed to three people I vaguely know to say hello to as if he was some sort of toy and without any recognition to either myself or my DS if that would be OK.

AIBU to be annoyed? If i put myself in the other position I wouldn't hold someone's baby unless I knew them fairly well and the parents had directly offered, or if in this case I'd been offered by someone else I'd out of courtesy check with the DP that that would be OK. Felt like my poor DS was passed around like a parcel and I couldn't say anything without offending someone (so I ended up being the one feeling upset!).

I'm always totally puzzled by these threads, because in my experience there's nothing than a new mother needs more than a break from a baby and most people would love to oblige. Seems like a win-win. I used to unthinkingly offer to hold babies when their mothers were struggling or whatever, but I'd never do that post-MN.

As for the 'passing around', most people have to fidget and adjust periodically to remain comfortable while holding a baby. It's no different from a gentle person-to-person transition.

As for them being strangers, you said they were people who were always at your DH's family gatherings so whilst strangers to you, they are probably very much friends of your in laws and your DH , it's his baby too you know !

'your baby, your rules!

What did your dh think about this? He seemed fine passing the baby to a relative. Personally I dont see the problem. As mentioned above everyone loves to have a baby cuddle. However if you tried to get your baby back and was refused or baby was taken out of your arms then i'd be annoyed!

I went to a BBQ with my 5 week old DS and when I got home found a photo of him on FB being held by a friend of a friend who has hardly ever spoken to me - SIL and friend were tagged in the photo, while DP and I weren't. I thought SIL was holding him at the time. She was tagged in the photo like he was her baby.

Same SIL brought a total stranger (I believe she must have been a work colleague of hers) to our house and after holding DS for a while passed him straight to the woman without saying a word to me. This is actually fairly reasonable behaviour compared to how my IL's were with our eldest though! Boundaries? HA! What are they!

Strangers I can understand being upset with. The OP said family. Even if she hasnt met/seen them often they are her DHs family. Thats a huge difference surely?

Just to reiterate my DH passed DS to his relative who held him for a matter of minutes before announcing to the room who else wants a go. The other people who held DS are not relatives to us. My original post was that I didn't think it was DH relative place to offer our child around like a toy for people to 'have a go of'. Out of courtesy I would of expected her to pass DS back to us to give us the option to offer to others.

My DH wasn't happy either but again in that situation didn't know how best to deal without causing offence.

Just to add to my annoyance and hadn't mentioned earlier, the last person to hold DS I swear was trying to wake him up. I saw her gently squeezing his feet and hands and tapping his face, lo and behold he shortly after woke up where previously he had been undisturbed . I was sat on my hands desperate to go and get him when I saw this!!

It personally wouldn't bother me. My babies loved being held and weren't really fussed who was doing the holding! So as long as they were holding them appropriately, I didn't mind who had a cuddle.

But it bothered you then YANBU. Everyone is different. If you were uncomfortable, that is absolutely fair enough. In future just brightly step up and say 'Mummy's turn' and remove your child.

They are sharing the joy by wanting to hold a new born. I can't understand why it would be a problem. I have been handed lots of babies and it has never occured to me to find the parent to check that it was okay.

Congratulations :)

I think you're going to have to worry less about upsetting people though. In general I don't mind DS getting passed about but he can get overwrought if somewhere hot/crowded or if he's overstimulated. We had DS baptism at the weekend then had a party after and I did have to take him off people, say that they couldn't have a cuddle just yet as he was a bit grumpy etc. If people aren't unreasonable they shouldn't get too offended.

What I don't like is DH random aunties following me to the loo to change nappies/my bedroom when feeding...I've shut the door for a reason! (Happened a lot on Sat)

I dont agree with waking a baby. I wouldnt have let anyone hold a sleeping baby as my two were ill tempered after being constantly woken up by people. My mum still tries this and my youngest is 14 months.
You wont offend anyone (normal person) by asking for the baby back. If you feel uncomfortable thats all you have to do. If youre breastfeeding its even easier to get him back. Be firm. If you see the relative often I wouldnt pass your son to them again.

I have not read all the replies. I completely agree with you but you need to ensure your DH is on the same page as you on parenting and you need to act if you are not happy with something.

My HV very adamant that babies are not passed round. They need to stay with their parents as that is who they are bonding with and who they feel secure with. A distressed baby goes very quiet when with strangers as they are trying to make themselves less noticeable as they are at less risk of being eaten by another animal. When you do let somebody else hold you pr baby you must ensure that you are within the babies sight range (this is very short for a new born) and constantly talk to your baby.

My HV very adamant that babies are not passed round. They need to stay with their parents as that is who they are bonding with and who they feel secure with. A distressed baby goes very quiet when with strangers as they are trying to make themselves less noticeable as they are at less risk of being eaten by another animal.

Your HV is an idiot.

I'm always so weirded out by people saying they feel desperate for a hold of a baby or that they love "newborn cuddles". I've held a few babies in my time, and just felt uncomfortable .

If they are clean etc and haven't just had a cig etc then there is no problem with people inside the house in the same room as you wanting to give your baby a quick cuddle to be honest i think you need to get a bit of a grip sorry OP.

yep, YABU in a couple of years nobody will be bothered at all.
Mine are all sociable life and soul party types and were passed round from the start.
it didn't bother me and dh at all and was quite often a nice break.

My HV very adamant that babies are not passed round. They need to stay with their parents as that is who they are bonding with and who they feel secure with. A distressed baby goes very quiet when with strangers as they are trying to make themselves less noticeable as they are at less risk of being eaten by another animal

Oh ffs, seriously?

When my third born was three days old she was passed from pillar to post, and I was absolutely squirming. I said she needed a feed (it had been three hours!) and was told she didn't!! luckily because she was my third instead of my first, I actually asked for her back. I wouldn't have been brave enough as a first time mum.

I do wonder what the fascination with 'cuddling' a newborn is. We went to a wedding when my DD was 6 weeks old. Apart from having terrible reflux and my not wanting her to puke on people all dressed up, I just didn't want her passed around like a doll to many people who I barely knew so I kept her in a stretchy wrap. I got lots of looks and eyerolls from people who wanted to hold her but glad I stuck to my beliefs. YANBU OP

A distressed baby goes very quiet...

Your HV is confused, that is true of baby rabbits. Baby rabbits are left in the warren so need to be quiet and not attract predators until their mum returns. Baby humans scream to ensure they are not forgotten behind as their group of hunters gatherers moves on.

What's the point of having a baby if you don't pass it round and let everyone have a go? Obviously straight back to a parent if cries but otherwise let it meet its tribe. And share the lovely baby cuddles as wide as possible.

When my first baby arrives, me and DH have made sure people have already been prepped that 'visits' do not instantly equate to 'cuddles'.
Our baby. Our cuddles.
And sod this constant 'ooh but everyone wants a cuddle', NO.

"And sod this constant 'ooh but everyone wants a cuddle', NO."

But ^why"??

DC4 and frankly I don't care who holds her I'm just enjoying the freedom of my arms! The only time it pisses me off is if the baby cries and they won't give her back.

eep that is a bit weird.
I'd automatically hand back to the parents, then its their choice who the baby goes to next.
YANBU.
on the other hand I love babies. Can I come round to 'have a go' please?