To ask how generous your OH's are and to wonder whether my DP is tight?!

[Frustrated01]

I'm aware this post will make me seem mercenery; but it's really not about money, more about attitude and thoughtfulness.

Together 4 years, live together in his house. He is a 'high earner' (earns 3 x my salary) He pays the mortgage (as its his house) and a couple of bills, I pay the rest of the bills, buy all the food and do all of the cooking and cleaning.

We take it in turns to pay when we go out, but it is mostly me as I always feel guilty that his outgoings for the house are probably more than mine.

Over the past couple of weeks, it has been an unfortunate coincidence that a lot of my friends have had big birthdays and nearly all of their partners have taken them away or for a weekend break or, TBH just been NICE and treated them.

All the girls at work seem to have lovely DPs who take them out to dinner on a Friday night or occasionally just do something nice for them, just because? I saw one of my friends the other night and she said that she is going to New York in November, for her 30th, as a present from her DP as he knows she's always wanted to go. I honestly just sat there thinking how lovely that was and how pigs would literally fly before my boyfriend ever did anything like that for me.

In the four years we have been going out, he has never once taken me for a night away, a weekend away or a holiday (and YES I have done all of these things for him before anyone says anything) If we go out for dinner or to the cinema or anything it's nearly always me that suggests it and then again everything is mostly split exactly 50/50

Every year for my birthday or Christmas he just says 'What do you want for your birthday/ Christmas?' I always feel bad saying anything really in case he thinks it's too expensive so normally just say 'A bottle of perfume' and there it is, wrapped up, a bottle of perfume. Don't get me wrong, it's what I asked for, but where is the thought?! Where is the romance?! And God forbid he should spend more than £50 on me.

Last year he wanted to go on a scuba diving holiday (we're both quite keen divers) I had just bought a new car and honestly just didn't have the money....so he went on his own. My friends and my mum blew up and said it was awful that he would rather have gone away on his own...than pay to bring his girlfriend of 4 years with him. I was upset that he went but at the end of the day, I didn't have the money so fine.

I got in the other night and told him about my friends surprise 30th New York trip, I gently 'joked' that he would never do anything like that for me and he said 'Well no, I haven't paid my mortgage off yet. Until I pay my mortgage off, extravagant gifts like that just wouldn't ever happen'

He is 30 and puts nearly £1500 per month into a savings account, he over pays on his mortgage by a vast amount each month and then the rest is his 'spending money'

I get that his approach is sensible, but for gods sake I'm not asking him to be 'extravagent' every month, I'm just saying that actually, once every couple of years it would be nice to be taken away for the weekend or for a night in a nice hotel. Just like I do for him on his birthday etc.

I know I sound unreasonable and princessey in this post. I promise I'm not, I'm just fed up of there not being any joy in life, of him going on about money all the time and banging on constantly about paying off his mortgage.

In every other way our relationship is great, he is an incredibly loving and supporting boyfriend and we are best friends. But there is just no surprise or romance- ever.

2 people in the last 2 days have asked me whether I'm sure I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, because they think although he is lovely that he is tight and mercenary.

I'm sitting here feeling really down and wondering whether he is totally right for me. But I really am not lying when I say that he is incredibly supporting and loving In other ways.

He priorities me over every one else in his life, he does anything and everything he can for me. He supports me in my hobby, comes to cheer on the side line in every single competition I've done, he fixes my car, massages my feet after a long day at work, listens to me for hours on end if I have a problem, he was my absolute rock last year when my dad was ill. He walks my dog, cooks dinner if I am on a late etc, listens endlessly to my girlfriends man problems when they come over and buys us all wine and chocolate for our girly nights, brings them tea and toast in the morning etc. Literally everything practical and emotional he is fine and a godsend, but he just doesn't make me feel 'special' in anyway. He is just one of those 'nice guys' that would literally do anything to help anyone, everyone says it and he is always going out of his way to help people efc which is one of the reasons why I love him.

I don't know. I guess that is the problem, the fact that I just don't feel that special to him, that everything he does for me I know he's probably done for his previous girlfriends and the fact that he went on holiday on his own, rather than pay to take me with him and won't ever spend any more than £50 on a present for me or reluctantly pays for meals out etc is just making it all feel a bit 'blah' and being surrounded by friends and colleagues who all seem to be wined and dined is making me feel even more meh.

SO, is he normal and my expectations are just too high? Or is he a bit tight?

Are your DPs generous?

You're not married, he actually doesn't want to marry you, and he owns the house.
What happens if, God forbid, he dies suddenly? You have no rights at all to the house. If you're still together in twenty years and then he decides he wants you out, you have no rights to the house.

I suspect that even when his mortgage is paid off he will find another excuse to keep saving. Tight people do not change they stay tight forever.

So you've been together four years and he'd rather go on a diving holiday alone rather than paying or you to go too? That does sound like someone with an odd relationship with money, when he clearly has more than enough to pay for you.
Like pps I'm also concerned that if you split up, you would end up with nothing despite contributing a huge amount to the running of the house.
Have you discussed plans for the future - wedding, children? Will he ever feel he has enough money for those?
Lastly, what are his parents like? Is their approach to money the same?

He has said that he isn't bothered about getting married

Well of course not he's got all the perks of a 'wife' without the outlay of paying for a wedding.

And after the mortgage is paid off it'll be some other big purchase that he has to pay for that means he justifies to himself and to you why he's so stingy, there's no way he's going to start being generous with you after its paid off. You either are generous or you're not. And it's not even that. He's using you.

Also I wouldn't be busting a gut to clean his house, you know the one he's so passionate about paying off, yet can't be arsed to clean/maintain its value.

As a PP said, suggest getting a cleaner and see what he says - I bet his reaction will tell you all you need to know about how he sees you in his life.

My DP isn't generous in a material way because he just isn't a materialistic person. He places no value on things like clothes, flowers, shoes or jewellery so it simply doesn't occur to him that these items would be a nice treat for me.

However, when he has had a bit of money spare he is generous in sharing a good proportion of it on shared activities. Mainly food and wine because that's basically how we relax. He has put a lot of thought into presents in the past.

As it stands, we are so strapped for cash at the moment I wouldn't want anything extravagant anyway and, like him, don't place a great deal of value on possessions. But in your situation with that much money knocking about I think I would always expect a birthday and Christmas present. How much thought he puts into it just depends on his personality. Men quite often prefer 'practical' presents (eg iPad it perfume) as buying something simply for the sake of it being 'nice' (like an ornament or jewellery) is s bit of a waste of money.

Pretty much all the men in my life (Dad and Brothers) have the above attitude so my expectations of surprises from my DP aren't terribly high.

op - why do you feel your financial and domestic set up is fair? Have you added up on the spreadsheet exactly what you spend every month - people often under estimate their food bill.

'I suspect that even when his mortgage is paid off he will find another excuse to keep saving.'

Yes, there will be his pension. His pension.

Oh dear imagine when you have kids with him And he doesn't feel the need to get them nice presents, or says you have to buy them out of your money as he needs to save.... honestly sounding spoilt or not I don't care it would be a deal breaker for me.

That's his right-fisted way and He's not going to change OP so it's for you to decide if this is what you want going forward #LTB

He's "not bothered" about marrying you.

If some woman with a high oaying job and some property comes along he'll be down on one knee before yiu can say "one month's salary".

You are being used here.

You have fallen for many of the oldest tricks in the book - he pays all house-related bills so you have zero claim.

He does a half-arsed job so you become his cleaner.

This is not a man who loves you.

My DH isn't one for flowers, surprise gifts, meals etc;
All our money goes into one account and there is no yours or my money.

What made me on your OP was the holiday.
Cannot believe he went without you.
Listen to your Mum and sister, they know you best.

'Oh dear imagine when you have kids with him And he doesn't feel the need to get them nice presents, or says you have to buy them out of your money as he needs to save.... honestly sounding spoilt or not I don't care it would be a deal breaker for me.'

That'll be the least of her worries. She'll be an unmarried parent with a tight person who can throw her out of the house without a second glance.

When dh and I moved in together as far as I was concerned it was a big a commitment as marriage (we married 10 years later). From moving in we agreed all money/assets/debts were joint and discussed how we would manage them. Your money/my money is not a partnership I would accept.

You can have a marriage without a £20k wedding, but I think that is just one of a few things that show you and he are not compatible as you cant discuss what you want and compromise. Is this really the kind of relationship you want?

Finallyhere said it succinctly a few pages back:

"If you want a partnership of equals, then just don't set your life up like this. No good can come of it."

I just can't see how this could ever evolve into a relationship in which you are treated with respect. I get that some people are crap with birthday presents but this is so far from treating you like someone he loves and cares for. He will not marry you. PPs are right that it'll be his pension after his mortgage. I think your very first sentence - that we'd think you mercenary - shows you're already on a different planet. You don't sound mercenary. You sound like, at best, you are being taken advantage of and he will make you poor and miserable.

It's great he is careful with money but the issue here is that he is careful with his money and investing it in his property. You, meanwhile, are enabling him to do this by paying for bills and shopping. Without your financial input he would not be able to overpay on the mortgage or save so much each month.

Basically, he gets a lot out of your situation. You don't.

If he decided to end the relationship, you have nothing to take away from it. He, on the other hand, has a massively reduced mortgage plus substantial savings.

Now, this situation may sit fine with me or it may not but the bottom line is you have no security and, long-term, this is going nowhere for you unless you have plans to marry.

It is time for you both to have a conversation about where your relationship is going. It is possible he is simply a practical and pragmatic person who just hasn't considered your position in all of this. It is quite possible he just doesn't realise that you are not fully happy with the way things are. It is time to sit down and have that conversation. You will know by the end of it whether this relationship has a future or not and whether his actions at the moment are intended to achieve long term security for the both of you or whether it really has been all about him.

I wish you well.

This doesn't bode well. You need shall we say a stake in this enterprise and name on the deeds etc but as others have said do you really want to be with this tightwad?.

If you can't have sensible discussions about the finances now whatever is it going the be like when you have a couple of children etc?.

You use the term "nice guy" sometimes there're not quite as nice as you might like them. I know one just like him his wife is always complaining what he's like at home especially with the loot;(

Hmm. As a point of reference, me and DP live in his house which he pays mortgage on (as it is his house and his long term asset).

He earns 3x more than me. I don't pay 'rent'.

We split all bills and food shops 50/50.

He pays for house repairs/updates.

Nearly every time we go out or go on holiday we split it 50/50. He doesn't buy expensive gifts or treats, but neither do I for him.

Sometimes I think 'he earns so much more than me, why doesn't he treat me?'. But then I think: a) I live rent free in his house, b) he pays maintenance for his DS which is quite a lot and c) he was burned financially in the split of his previous LTR, which has affected how he sees money issues.

I think I understand where you're coming from though, and the holiday thing is upsetting. You need to talk to him about it!

Do you expect to get married and/or pool finances or assets in the future?

People like this get worse as they get older. I know from experience. Right now its his mortgage. Next it will be his pension. Then maybe an investment in another property but never you.

A wedding doesn't need to cost £20k. You could get married in the town hall for £50 next month, if you wanted to.

OP, you seriously need to assess your future with this man. I think he knows that marriage would give you a claim on 50% of his assets and I don't think he has any intention of marrying you; sorry.

Sorry love but if you were my DD id be so worried about your situation. He ps been very blunt and honest about his plans for the future. He doesn't want to marry you and he wants to concentrate in paying off his mortgage. Listen to what he's telling you and leave him.

Why do 2 of your friends think he is mercenary?

End the relationship, have fun without the negatives he brings to your life.
And the positives.

So my DH is very tight with money too. He gets visibly stressed at the prospect of not having a huge cushion of savings. Taking on a mortgage was a massive source of anxiety for him. He hates it when I spend money on "fripperies" (i.e. cups of coffee and buying lunch rather than making it at home). We had a very cheap wedding - but then that's all I wanted too as I really can't see the point of chucking 20K after one day's festivities.

We've definitely had run-ins over money. He earns about 20% more than I do so we are pretty much in it together, and he thinks I don't pull my weight in the quest to save/overpay on the mortgage.

But, we talk about it and we compromise. I acknowledge that without him I would spend way too much and he acknowledges that without me he would have turned into a miserable old miser.

So, I would urge you to have a conversation with him and try to work out a compromise. If he won't budge from his miserly ways, i.e agree to have a cheapish wedding, it's time to walk away.

mixety a) you are not living rent free. You are splitting fhe bills 50/50.
b) he should be paying maintenance.
C) they all use that as excuse!

It was the holiday that made me
The rest is pretty poor reading too.
My partner is a bit short on cash as am I at the moment. He's been invited on a group holiday next year which he considered..
I said 'that sounds fun, given our finances will that be your only holiday?' His reply was I'd rather go away with you so we'll see how finances go after we have booked ours..
if he'd had said yes I'd have shown him the door. Only because I like to know where I stand in the grand scheme of things.

All you should be doing is paying a contribution to the bills/consumables and 50% of the shopping. It certainly shouldn't be more than you would pay if you were living in a house-share.

I would ask him for a serious conversation about the future. I think it would be quite interesting to see his reaction if you expressed an interest in becoming a home-owner in your own right - that might flush out whether or not he has any intentions of ever owning property jointly.