To ask how generous your OH's are and to wonder whether my DP is tight?!

[Frustrated01]

I'm aware this post will make me seem mercenery; but it's really not about money, more about attitude and thoughtfulness.

Together 4 years, live together in his house. He is a 'high earner' (earns 3 x my salary) He pays the mortgage (as its his house) and a couple of bills, I pay the rest of the bills, buy all the food and do all of the cooking and cleaning.

We take it in turns to pay when we go out, but it is mostly me as I always feel guilty that his outgoings for the house are probably more than mine.

Over the past couple of weeks, it has been an unfortunate coincidence that a lot of my friends have had big birthdays and nearly all of their partners have taken them away or for a weekend break or, TBH just been NICE and treated them.

All the girls at work seem to have lovely DPs who take them out to dinner on a Friday night or occasionally just do something nice for them, just because? I saw one of my friends the other night and she said that she is going to New York in November, for her 30th, as a present from her DP as he knows she's always wanted to go. I honestly just sat there thinking how lovely that was and how pigs would literally fly before my boyfriend ever did anything like that for me.

In the four years we have been going out, he has never once taken me for a night away, a weekend away or a holiday (and YES I have done all of these things for him before anyone says anything) If we go out for dinner or to the cinema or anything it's nearly always me that suggests it and then again everything is mostly split exactly 50/50

Every year for my birthday or Christmas he just says 'What do you want for your birthday/ Christmas?' I always feel bad saying anything really in case he thinks it's too expensive so normally just say 'A bottle of perfume' and there it is, wrapped up, a bottle of perfume. Don't get me wrong, it's what I asked for, but where is the thought?! Where is the romance?! And God forbid he should spend more than £50 on me.

Last year he wanted to go on a scuba diving holiday (we're both quite keen divers) I had just bought a new car and honestly just didn't have the money....so he went on his own. My friends and my mum blew up and said it was awful that he would rather have gone away on his own...than pay to bring his girlfriend of 4 years with him. I was upset that he went but at the end of the day, I didn't have the money so fine.

I got in the other night and told him about my friends surprise 30th New York trip, I gently 'joked' that he would never do anything like that for me and he said 'Well no, I haven't paid my mortgage off yet. Until I pay my mortgage off, extravagant gifts like that just wouldn't ever happen'

He is 30 and puts nearly £1500 per month into a savings account, he over pays on his mortgage by a vast amount each month and then the rest is his 'spending money'

I get that his approach is sensible, but for gods sake I'm not asking him to be 'extravagent' every month, I'm just saying that actually, once every couple of years it would be nice to be taken away for the weekend or for a night in a nice hotel. Just like I do for him on his birthday etc.

I know I sound unreasonable and princessey in this post. I promise I'm not, I'm just fed up of there not being any joy in life, of him going on about money all the time and banging on constantly about paying off his mortgage.

In every other way our relationship is great, he is an incredibly loving and supporting boyfriend and we are best friends. But there is just no surprise or romance- ever.

2 people in the last 2 days have asked me whether I'm sure I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, because they think although he is lovely that he is tight and mercenary.

I'm sitting here feeling really down and wondering whether he is totally right for me. But I really am not lying when I say that he is incredibly supporting and loving In other ways.

He priorities me over every one else in his life, he does anything and everything he can for me. He supports me in my hobby, comes to cheer on the side line in every single competition I've done, he fixes my car, massages my feet after a long day at work, listens to me for hours on end if I have a problem, he was my absolute rock last year when my dad was ill. He walks my dog, cooks dinner if I am on a late etc, listens endlessly to my girlfriends man problems when they come over and buys us all wine and chocolate for our girly nights, brings them tea and toast in the morning etc. Literally everything practical and emotional he is fine and a godsend, but he just doesn't make me feel 'special' in anyway. He is just one of those 'nice guys' that would literally do anything to help anyone, everyone says it and he is always going out of his way to help people efc which is one of the reasons why I love him.

I don't know. I guess that is the problem, the fact that I just don't feel that special to him, that everything he does for me I know he's probably done for his previous girlfriends and the fact that he went on holiday on his own, rather than pay to take me with him and won't ever spend any more than £50 on a present for me or reluctantly pays for meals out etc is just making it all feel a bit 'blah' and being surrounded by friends and colleagues who all seem to be wined and dined is making me feel even more meh.

SO, is he normal and my expectations are just too high? Or is he a bit tight?

Are your DPs generous?

Oh and the holiday thing is just awful as is never reciprocating trips away etc. Very bad form and far beyond just being sensible.

Mine is generous, as am I to him. We've been together since we were at university though so we've gone from being brassic where generosity was treating me to few 80p vodka and lemonades in the student union to having professional jobs and overtaking each other on earnings.

He'd always offer to pay, but we took it turn about.

We've always pooled finances since we've lived together. When we bought together, I put most of the deposit down.

Your DP, it doesn't sound like it's personal to you, it sounds like that's just how he is. Really, really tight. Yes, it's sensible (and I'm a saver myself, moreso than my DP), but I don't think I could be with someone who was that tight. It's just too miserable. Live a bit for now, travel and have fun!

I think I'd be having a chat with him. Where does he see your future together? Does he see you sharing finances? What if you wanted to have a baby, would he support you on maternity leave or make you pay all your SMP on bills? In his head, is he paying off the mortgage for just him, or both of your futures?

Look, OP, you're the household skivvy, paying bills in a house you don't own and to which you have no entitlement owned by someone who massively outearns you (and why you presumably freely put yourself in this situation is something you should think about, too) AND you feel apologetic about not paying more and creep around anxiously suggesting inexpensive dates, going halves on everything and asking for cheap birthday presents, and worry in your post about sounding 'princessy'???

As they say so often on here, give your head a wobble, OP. I agree with PPs that you should prioritise getting your own place, stop being financially exploited, and see whether this 'otherwise lovely' man still wants a relationship when he's not benefitting financially from you.

Whilst some may say he is sensible with his money - saving and over paying mortgage all seem good qualities. Others would(and have) said he is tight.

I would also say that if you and your partner have differing views on money then it can cause issues in the future. How would he be if you stopped work to raise children?

To me you seem mismatched. I would move out and see how it goes from there as boyfriend/girlfriend. Or at least proceed with caution with this man.

TBH I think the scuba holiday would have been a deal breaker for me.

OP you describe your life thus Together 4 years, live together in his house. He is a 'high earner' (earns 3 x my salary) He pays the mortgage (as its his house) and a couple of bills, I pay the rest of the bills, buy all the food and do all of the cooking and cleaning.

I would just say, don't.

If you want a partnership of equals, then just don't set your life up like this. No good can come of it.
If you can't afford a holiday, he goes on his own, forsooth.

This set up sounds awful. You seriously need to reconsider your future with this man.

I experienced the other side of this - my ex was similar to your dp in terms of earnings and savings, he paid for everything and took me out and on holiday a lot - the flip side is that I didn't have any options or ability to make decisions about anything.

Whichever way you look at it, the fact is the relationship is severely imbalanced. I'd honestly leave him.

Tight with money tight with love.

Why wouldn't he want to treat you if he can? Why wouldn't he want you to do things together, and make up the difference if you can't? It's not like you're freeloading, I "treat" DH and we have joint money so it's not even that much of a treat financially but it shows I love him and want to do something nice for him.

I'd have a big think about whether you want this in future, because he won't transform into this generous, caring, thoughtful man when/if you get married and have dc.

" gently 'joked' that he would never do anything like that for me and he said 'Well no, I haven't paid my mortgage off yet. Until I pay my mortgage off, extravagant gifts like that just wouldn't ever happen' "

So he actually admits that he won't be buying you a gift for what, 10-15 years? Maybe 20? He thinks that's ok? That the damage won't be done by then?

Has he actually thought it through? It has it not occurred to him that putting ones life on hold while the mortgage is paid off is simply abnormal?

I don't think you sound princessey or unreasonable at all. I get the impression it's as much about feeling special and loved as about the money. The holiday thing is really unattractive and I think quite telling about his selfishness, or at least the way he views your relationship. Whilst it is true that being careful with money is a good thing, you are not married. it's his house, his savings, so none of it is being done for your benefit. Where do you see the relationship going?

My dH is tight and I think it's made him an amazing father and has given our family an incredibly safe financial future. We are mortgage free and j can't tell you the sense of freedom that gives me, especially after we had kids. My answer to his tightness has been to earn more myself. He has ensured our financial security - I ensure we have a few holidays.

I married dh but I wouldn't have moved in with him - I think your Boyfriend is taking advantage of you.

DH is sensible with money (we're far from being loaded) his parents were exactly the same but tbh they/him do border on being tight. But DH is tight with himself, I've mentioned to him before about getting himself a nicer car (I know he'd want one) when he had the money, but no, he was sensible and its in savings. Me, I wish I was abit more like him but I'm more generous/daft.

The holiday thing has left me gobsmacked - he could afford it and he went without you! Sorry but your P is tight.

By the looks of it he's got a nice deal with you - a cook/cleaner he can shag who also pays some of his bills. You get, a roof over your head and the occasional foot rub. Would renting somewhere be that much more money? Every penny you spend on him/his bills is helping him get closer to paying off his mortgage whilst leaving you further away from getting a foot on the ladder. Please don't leave yourself financially worse off by being with him.

He's tight and selfish and I'd have left him over the holiday.

He sounds like me. A high earner who is very careful with mnoey - we are the best most reliable people to have in your life. The wasting spenders with the expensive trips abroad are fools and they rarely do well in life. You are very lucky to have him.

Mind you unless he marries you won't have many legal rights so perhaps your aim would be better be a marriage proposal than a trip away.

Christ there are a lot of tight husbands and partners on here this evening. He's tight, this behaviour is tight, especially as you do these things for him.

Wow - I missed you do all the cleaning and cooking. Fuck that.

So you pay for all the food, most of the bills, cook, clean and work full time.

He pays mortgage, a couple of bills, saves his surplus, ensures you have no entitlement to equity, goes on holiday alone, spends £50 at Xmas - guessing you spend at least the same.

do you see how unfair this is? Does he/you think this is acceptable because he earns more than you?

I know he buys you perfume etc but forgoing experiences while you're young is a bad idea. It's not the same when you are older.

I think the going on holiday without you sounds ridiculous, to be honest.

Have you spoken to him about what your financial set up would be if you were to get married - eg. would you have a joint account then, or would things remain similar to the way they are now? Be very clear about this because the way you're feeling now is one thing, but you definitely won't want to feel beholden to him and the kind of financial mentality he is displaying at the moment if you ever have children or become a SAHM.

I had the opposite experience with DH. He wouldn't let me pay for anything when we were dating, so I used to have to pre-book the theatre or something, otherwise I felt a bit uncomfortable with it all. After we were married, it didn't matter who earned what, we just had joint accounts and everything came out of that. Now that I'm a SAHM, I never have to justify spending to him and vice versa.

No you're not wrong for wanting to feel treated once in a while. If your partner doesn't make you feel special, who will? He does sound lovely in other ways. My DH still takes me out and treats me all the time, but never does any cooking or housework - just by way of comparison. Nobody is perfect I guess.

Never mind gifts, you are totally screwed if you split up, you realise that?

He may or may not have higher house related outgoings than you, but his is going on equity on the house, a massive asset, and yours is going on bills, so You don't have any asset to show for it. That seems to me to be extremely unequal and you should (maybe you already have) think carefully about the long term implications on this for you, whether you are still in a relationship with your DP or not.

No Blyton people like you are users, that's how you stay rich, being tight and sponging off others. HTH

If he is as loving and supportive as you say, why is he leeching off you letting you pay the bills while HIS money goes into HIS asset? If you'd split the mortgage and bills you would have a share of the equity you'd jointly paid off AND a share of any increase in value. As it is you get diddly squat. And I bet he'll never marry you either because that would give you a financial claim on HIS house.

If he were really supportive of you, really cared for your welfare, he would want you to be financially secure too. He's using you, the lower earner, as a cash cow. It's not pretty. And yes, it's deeply unromantic.

It doesn't really matter what set up others have. You must think this isn't right... to be even asking this.

Honestly... I would have ended the relationship when he went on holiday alone. You said you had taken him away etc, so I think it would have been reasonable for him to have paid for you. In a relationship you help each other out.

Ask for a romantic weekend away for your birthday and also for xmas. It's great he asks what you want. So many people buy utter crap
For others. It's sad to think that xmas is just a commercial materialistic thing. Christmas is about family really and having quality time together.

My husband is a tight arse too. It has its plus points and negatives. Looking round at my friends who go away for lots of romantic weekends, many have little equity in their house despite being big earners in their 50's, some are in debt. I Don't need grand gestures to know he loves me. His spending hang ups come from his parents. It's an inherited approach to money.

I think it was tight of him not to pay for your scuba holiday. However it's perfectly fine to be a couple and have seperste holiday occasionally.

If you do have kids, ensure you are married or on his mortgage to protect yourself.

It's the holiday without you thing that gets me. If he held himself to the same tight standard, then fine, but he would rather have an expensive holiday on his own than either doing something less expensive with you or using some funds to have his partner with him. That's telling to me. How far into the relationship was that?

I agree entirely with thatwouldbean!
I feel very strongly about generosity. There is nothing worse than a selfish, stingy person. They are forever famous for being stingy. I would far rather be known for being generous. Me and DH are both generous people, towards each other and others and no, we don't have much money at all at the moment (I'm talking far less than the average incomes). However we are both pretty sensible with our money as well. It's not an either/or thing, being generous or being sensible with money, there is a happy medium where you can balance the two. For example, we don't have any debts (other than student loan debts :|), so we're not totally irresponsible or anything like that.

Stingyness is a major deal-breaker for me and I would have certainly left after the holiday incident as that can only be described as frankly cruel.