To ask how generous your OH's are and to wonder whether my DP is tight?!

[Frustrated01]

I'm aware this post will make me seem mercenery; but it's really not about money, more about attitude and thoughtfulness.

Together 4 years, live together in his house. He is a 'high earner' (earns 3 x my salary) He pays the mortgage (as its his house) and a couple of bills, I pay the rest of the bills, buy all the food and do all of the cooking and cleaning.

We take it in turns to pay when we go out, but it is mostly me as I always feel guilty that his outgoings for the house are probably more than mine.

Over the past couple of weeks, it has been an unfortunate coincidence that a lot of my friends have had big birthdays and nearly all of their partners have taken them away or for a weekend break or, TBH just been NICE and treated them.

All the girls at work seem to have lovely DPs who take them out to dinner on a Friday night or occasionally just do something nice for them, just because? I saw one of my friends the other night and she said that she is going to New York in November, for her 30th, as a present from her DP as he knows she's always wanted to go. I honestly just sat there thinking how lovely that was and how pigs would literally fly before my boyfriend ever did anything like that for me.

In the four years we have been going out, he has never once taken me for a night away, a weekend away or a holiday (and YES I have done all of these things for him before anyone says anything) If we go out for dinner or to the cinema or anything it's nearly always me that suggests it and then again everything is mostly split exactly 50/50

Every year for my birthday or Christmas he just says 'What do you want for your birthday/ Christmas?' I always feel bad saying anything really in case he thinks it's too expensive so normally just say 'A bottle of perfume' and there it is, wrapped up, a bottle of perfume. Don't get me wrong, it's what I asked for, but where is the thought?! Where is the romance?! And God forbid he should spend more than £50 on me.

Last year he wanted to go on a scuba diving holiday (we're both quite keen divers) I had just bought a new car and honestly just didn't have the money....so he went on his own. My friends and my mum blew up and said it was awful that he would rather have gone away on his own...than pay to bring his girlfriend of 4 years with him. I was upset that he went but at the end of the day, I didn't have the money so fine.

I got in the other night and told him about my friends surprise 30th New York trip, I gently 'joked' that he would never do anything like that for me and he said 'Well no, I haven't paid my mortgage off yet. Until I pay my mortgage off, extravagant gifts like that just wouldn't ever happen'

He is 30 and puts nearly £1500 per month into a savings account, he over pays on his mortgage by a vast amount each month and then the rest is his 'spending money'

I get that his approach is sensible, but for gods sake I'm not asking him to be 'extravagent' every month, I'm just saying that actually, once every couple of years it would be nice to be taken away for the weekend or for a night in a nice hotel. Just like I do for him on his birthday etc.

I know I sound unreasonable and princessey in this post. I promise I'm not, I'm just fed up of there not being any joy in life, of him going on about money all the time and banging on constantly about paying off his mortgage.

In every other way our relationship is great, he is an incredibly loving and supporting boyfriend and we are best friends. But there is just no surprise or romance- ever.

2 people in the last 2 days have asked me whether I'm sure I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, because they think although he is lovely that he is tight and mercenary.

I'm sitting here feeling really down and wondering whether he is totally right for me. But I really am not lying when I say that he is incredibly supporting and loving In other ways.

He priorities me over every one else in his life, he does anything and everything he can for me. He supports me in my hobby, comes to cheer on the side line in every single competition I've done, he fixes my car, massages my feet after a long day at work, listens to me for hours on end if I have a problem, he was my absolute rock last year when my dad was ill. He walks my dog, cooks dinner if I am on a late etc, listens endlessly to my girlfriends man problems when they come over and buys us all wine and chocolate for our girly nights, brings them tea and toast in the morning etc. Literally everything practical and emotional he is fine and a godsend, but he just doesn't make me feel 'special' in anyway. He is just one of those 'nice guys' that would literally do anything to help anyone, everyone says it and he is always going out of his way to help people efc which is one of the reasons why I love him.

I don't know. I guess that is the problem, the fact that I just don't feel that special to him, that everything he does for me I know he's probably done for his previous girlfriends and the fact that he went on holiday on his own, rather than pay to take me with him and won't ever spend any more than £50 on a present for me or reluctantly pays for meals out etc is just making it all feel a bit 'blah' and being surrounded by friends and colleagues who all seem to be wined and dined is making me feel even more meh.

SO, is he normal and my expectations are just too high? Or is he a bit tight?

Are your DPs generous?

apart from the mortgage, how much are you paying out each month and how much is he paying out? Would he consider a joint account that bills come out of (except mortgage if you don't have a stake in the house), and you pay 50/50 in that, or another split he sees as fair?

You aren't married, don't have DCs together and haven't put any money into the house, so I don't think it's reasonable to his income as 'family money' in the same way as if you were married/had DCs. Do you ahve your own savings? Are you paying out to a level that means you can't save for your own future? Would he be prepared to put in more towards the bills so that you could build your own savings and put that in your own property/'buy' into the joint one so the mortgage can be paid down sooner and you will buy a share.

Are you likely to increase your earnings so that you will have a more equal income in the future?

Do you work similar hours? If so, what's the justification for you doing all the housework? There must have been a point before you moved in when he did it all, why did you take over and let him stop?

My husband is really generous, but better than that, really thoughtful.

I would find tight fistedness a complete turn off. My friend has a really mean partner - when they were first dating, he bought her a half bottle of champagne on her birthday. That sums him up, really.

He sounds tight as a gnats chuff.

Yes it's good practice to pay £1500 into a savings account and overpay the mortgage - but I'm guessing he must be bringing in at least £3500 after tax to be able to do that? (Prob a lot more). He should feel like he can cut back the savings one month of the year for a nice gift - or if he can afford a scuba diving holiday without dipping into his savings what the fuck is he talking about? Or are luxuries only for him to be enjoyed as he obviously doesn't give a shit about sharing them with you?

oh but yes, lack of generocity is not good. He also doesn't seem kind towards you. That's more important than stuff.

Why the fucking fuck are you the household skivvy???

Why? Why?

How did this come about?

That he has all the status of a served Lord while you pay bills and act like his housekeeper and whore?

Get away from this exploitative bastard.

He went on holiday without you?

What did he do when he wasn't diving? (So he went sight-seeing, eating and drinking on his own did he?)

Sorry, you are not a priority in his life.

I can't believe he went on holiday without you because you couldn't afford to go?!

That seems to me to be quite a selfish thing to do? My DH would never have done that befor we got married! He'd have either paid for me or if I refused that he would have waited until I could go with him.

i would review your relationship - he is mean and i think you need to have a conversation about where this is going

My ex was like this.

He had the attitude that Feminism Has Happened therefore we split everything 50/50 (even though I was a student and he earned 50K) combined with the 1950s attitude of 'My money is mine and because you aren't working, I expect you to foot the bulk of housework'. Oh, and when we broke up, he tried to financially blackmail me.

My current boyfriend earns more than me, gets good bonuses; he takes me out for dinner, orders me little gifts online with me in mind. Doesn't have to be a grand gesture, sometimes it's just paying for some chips whilst walking back from a night out, but it's the fact that he respects me, doesn't expect me to do any housework for him and whilst our attitude is be sensible with money 80% of the time to pay rent/bills we save up little treats (or bigger ones, for his birthday I booked a city break) for one another.

Think you can do better on this one, OP. Because once he pays the mortgage off, it'll be something else - a pension pot to contribute to, a new car, diving gear, anything but you

Sometimes men don't think of these sort of 'surprise' things if they are more practical though. But that doesn't really fit with you saying he'll buy chocolates etc. for your girlies nights.
Could he be saving up for something like a ring?/wedding? Or is his main focus mortgage?

This is financial abuse.

He's using you.

He needs a serous wake up call the this isn't acceptable or you should leave.

You need housing rights. That is non negotiable.

I wouldn't be able to remain in a relationship with someone like your OH, OP. I'd be very seriously considering my future with this man, you deserve better.

It doesn't sound great OP sorry
I think the worse is that he went on holiday without you because you couldn't afford it... Didn't he miss you? Didn't he want to be with you? How could he enjoy a holiday without you? You haven't been together for 20 years you don't even have children

Sorry dh is so much more generous and considerate than that, I actually think 90% of other halves are better than that...

By the way never seen such a unanimous thread!

Put shortly - the answer to your implied question (Which is obviously should I leave him as a tight fisted bastard) is in how you feel about the relationship as a whole and how important things like birthday treats are for you and feeling you are not comparing well in that regard to your peers. For me this was the most telling part of your post:

He priorities me over every one else in his life, he does anything and everything he can for me. He supports me in my hobby, comes to cheer on the side line in every single competition I've done, he fixes my car, massages my feet after a long day at work, listens to me for hours on end if I have a problem, he was my absolute rock last year when my dad was ill...

Imagine you are 80 years old and your choices are a life time with:

1. man who is not "tight" by your definition, financially VERY generous in a gift sense, Valentines day in paris every year, 100 red roses on your birthday.... but is not "there for you" as you describe in the bit I've quoted above.
2. man who is totally "tight" but is completely there for you.

What would you pick? It's an artificial question - but should flush out your true feelings.

My parents have been married for 50 years and are the happiest couple I've ever seen. They like each other, have stuff to talk about, have a good laugh together and it's a marriage I aspire to. My father does not "make a fuss" of my mother on her birthday -it's not his thing. Birthdays to him are trivial and he grew up with them not being celebrated.

BUT there is no way my mother would trade my dad for another man or be resentful about this because over a life time the other "caring qualities" matter much more than a one off show of generosity on a "special" ocassion.

Ultimately its about what you can live with and what's important to you.

I'd have a think about your minimum tolerable limits and then have a non-tearful cool talk with him about what matters to you and what would make you feel special. See what he says and what his view is .

he may say I'm saving for and protecting our future. Not so bad.
he may say "my money .fuck off". Very bad.

If he's saving up for an engagement ring I'll eat my hat.

Litmus test: suggest getting a cleaner. I did this with my ex. He didn't want to spend the money on a cleaner, because he already had one (muggins here, even though I was studying for my finals).

His response to that will let you know how he thinks of you

He is a total tightwad. My long departed and much-loved dad used to say ' I'd rather you'd married a murderer than a tight-fisted bloke'. Hmmm -okay dad... but you get the picture.
It must be great for him to have a lodger and cleaner rolled into one. He's on to a winner there. Being sensible with money is great but not at the expense of your loved ones.
The 'murderer' quote my dad gave was about my first husband. He squeaked when he walked, had a six-figure salary by the age of 23 and was 'careful' with money except when it came to treating himself. We, well I, lived a frugal, newly-qualified teacher's existence whilst he was living it up 'networking' and going on holiday with his mates.

My DP was made redundant recently so I am covering the household expenses until he finds another job - even then, he makes a point of paying for things like coffee/cake if we're in town, or a takeaway instead of a meal out. I couldn't be with someone who was mean.

We are married and I resigned from work at Christmas when my maternity leave ended so we could have a better work-life balance. We both earned £60,000 ish. I do bits of work for a friend's company but not much. DH's salary goes into our joint account and we live on it. It pays for everything. I use it as if it is 'ours' - I think of it as 'ours'. He keeps no check on it at all.

When I worked we had both salaries and did the same.

When he moved in with me before we married, we put a set amount into a joint account that covered all bills- I paid the mortgage because the house was mine. When his flat sold and we got married he paid a chunk of the mortgage off with his equity from the flat.

He is really generous but it is our money. But he arranges nice weekends away occasionally and PIL look after DS. Took me on a surprise holiday to Paris the wedding anniversary before DS was born. He buys me very thoughtful presents- not hugely expensive but very thoughtful. Comes home with flowers sometimes. I would say I am as thoughtful and generous with him. He's a love really There is nothing worse than meanness.

I am not sure your DP is mean. He sounds emotionally very giving. Perhaps he grew up in a family where they did not spend lots of money and saving was seen as security and debt scary. My dad was a bit like that. He was not mean but financial security was important to him because he came from a poir family and never wanted his family to live like that.

I didn't get past you paying [sic] most of the bills, buying all the food and doing all the cooking and cleaning.

Are you his fucking skivvy?

What do you get if this relationship goes tits up?

Look my DP has never whisked me off on an extravagant trip and he always asks me what I want for birthday / Xmas when we were very skint we didn't even do gifts but the house is both of ours.

You could spend the next 10 years on this path, you are allowing him to save 1.5k per month and overpay on his mortgage and you will be the one who ends up homeless.

Ask him about you going on his mortgage and I bet be had your bags packed within 24h!!!

Good test turnip. When I started my own business after sahm ing a team of men turned up to clean the house top to bottom and have come weekly ever since. Lovely Dh set up his view being was I'm working now I didn't have time to do house cleaning.

Had = has

I think it sounds like he has a financial agenda that he is deeply committed to. How long until he pays off the mortgage? Have you been able to talk about what your plans are for both his and your disposable income once the mortgage is paid off. I'm just wondering if you can wait it out until things get better - or if, once he's cleared the mortgage, there will continue to be priorities other than your relationship.

To be honest, this guy sounds a little like me. I see paying interest as a silly thing to do if you don't absolutely have to and always want to chuck any spare money at the mortgage. My husband however sees never going on holiday for the sake of paying off the mortgage as just horrendous. So we compromise and we seem to get on. It has taken a lot of talking and mistakes to get to this point tho and we are still not totally on the same page always.

Finally, I remember feeling v irritated with my then bf, now DH as it felt like he literally never ever bought me anything. So I understand where you're coming from. I would often buy my other half little (yes cheap! But useful, not tat) presents etc and see nothing in return ever. I was totally enlightened when we did a marriage prep course which talked about love languages. Turned out, I see gifts as an expression of love. My DH though saw actions (eg making a special dinner for me) as expressions of love. It just really helped to understand that he wasn't purposefully not reciprocating my gifts - he was reciprocating with action, but I didn't see it, iyswim.

My suggestions would be: 1. Ask him more about his financial philosophy. If you can understand more about his motivation and he yours, maybe you can grow closer to a shared philosophy.

1. Maybe get a book about love languages?

I totally missed that you did all the cooking and cleaning, how did that fall to you?!

Why are you doing all the household work?
Take off your blinkers

Cooking, cleaning, paying bills - and with NO financial security if it all goes wrong? That would piss me off more than getting a bottle of perfume. Why are you skivvying for him? It's like you are the maid or housekeeper but has to pay for the privilege. And when his mortgage is paid off early - thanks to you - and just say things go wrong - what do you have to show for it all? Get a grip for goodness sake!