To ask how generous your OH's are and to wonder whether my DP is tight?!

[Frustrated01]

I'm aware this post will make me seem mercenery; but it's really not about money, more about attitude and thoughtfulness.

Together 4 years, live together in his house. He is a 'high earner' (earns 3 x my salary) He pays the mortgage (as its his house) and a couple of bills, I pay the rest of the bills, buy all the food and do all of the cooking and cleaning.

We take it in turns to pay when we go out, but it is mostly me as I always feel guilty that his outgoings for the house are probably more than mine.

Over the past couple of weeks, it has been an unfortunate coincidence that a lot of my friends have had big birthdays and nearly all of their partners have taken them away or for a weekend break or, TBH just been NICE and treated them.

All the girls at work seem to have lovely DPs who take them out to dinner on a Friday night or occasionally just do something nice for them, just because? I saw one of my friends the other night and she said that she is going to New York in November, for her 30th, as a present from her DP as he knows she's always wanted to go. I honestly just sat there thinking how lovely that was and how pigs would literally fly before my boyfriend ever did anything like that for me.

In the four years we have been going out, he has never once taken me for a night away, a weekend away or a holiday (and YES I have done all of these things for him before anyone says anything) If we go out for dinner or to the cinema or anything it's nearly always me that suggests it and then again everything is mostly split exactly 50/50

Every year for my birthday or Christmas he just says 'What do you want for your birthday/ Christmas?' I always feel bad saying anything really in case he thinks it's too expensive so normally just say 'A bottle of perfume' and there it is, wrapped up, a bottle of perfume. Don't get me wrong, it's what I asked for, but where is the thought?! Where is the romance?! And God forbid he should spend more than £50 on me.

Last year he wanted to go on a scuba diving holiday (we're both quite keen divers) I had just bought a new car and honestly just didn't have the money....so he went on his own. My friends and my mum blew up and said it was awful that he would rather have gone away on his own...than pay to bring his girlfriend of 4 years with him. I was upset that he went but at the end of the day, I didn't have the money so fine.

I got in the other night and told him about my friends surprise 30th New York trip, I gently 'joked' that he would never do anything like that for me and he said 'Well no, I haven't paid my mortgage off yet. Until I pay my mortgage off, extravagant gifts like that just wouldn't ever happen'

He is 30 and puts nearly £1500 per month into a savings account, he over pays on his mortgage by a vast amount each month and then the rest is his 'spending money'

I get that his approach is sensible, but for gods sake I'm not asking him to be 'extravagent' every month, I'm just saying that actually, once every couple of years it would be nice to be taken away for the weekend or for a night in a nice hotel. Just like I do for him on his birthday etc.

I know I sound unreasonable and princessey in this post. I promise I'm not, I'm just fed up of there not being any joy in life, of him going on about money all the time and banging on constantly about paying off his mortgage.

In every other way our relationship is great, he is an incredibly loving and supporting boyfriend and we are best friends. But there is just no surprise or romance- ever.

2 people in the last 2 days have asked me whether I'm sure I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, because they think although he is lovely that he is tight and mercenary.

I'm sitting here feeling really down and wondering whether he is totally right for me. But I really am not lying when I say that he is incredibly supporting and loving In other ways.

He priorities me over every one else in his life, he does anything and everything he can for me. He supports me in my hobby, comes to cheer on the side line in every single competition I've done, he fixes my car, massages my feet after a long day at work, listens to me for hours on end if I have a problem, he was my absolute rock last year when my dad was ill. He walks my dog, cooks dinner if I am on a late etc, listens endlessly to my girlfriends man problems when they come over and buys us all wine and chocolate for our girly nights, brings them tea and toast in the morning etc. Literally everything practical and emotional he is fine and a godsend, but he just doesn't make me feel 'special' in anyway. He is just one of those 'nice guys' that would literally do anything to help anyone, everyone says it and he is always going out of his way to help people efc which is one of the reasons why I love him.

I don't know. I guess that is the problem, the fact that I just don't feel that special to him, that everything he does for me I know he's probably done for his previous girlfriends and the fact that he went on holiday on his own, rather than pay to take me with him and won't ever spend any more than £50 on a present for me or reluctantly pays for meals out etc is just making it all feel a bit 'blah' and being surrounded by friends and colleagues who all seem to be wined and dined is making me feel even more meh.

SO, is he normal and my expectations are just too high? Or is he a bit tight?

Are your DPs generous?

How long is it going to take him to pay this mortgage? Is it twenty years?
....would he consider a major expense like a wedding, honeymoon or child before that point?

Your fella sounds awesome Kerala1

Seriously OP, you are investing way too much of yourself in this. Bully for him to be able to put money away and overpay his mortgage, but he is investing and gaining at your expense

Compared to DH your DH sounds tight but really it's just differ net attitudes to money as even though my DH earns quite a good wage he doesn't think about saving and IMO doesn't manage money that well. I have had to encourage him to save and stop him being so frivolous. He would think nothing of spending £250 on dinner for us both. One thing I do like though is he would never make us split a bill 50/50 he always offers to pay and if I insist he will accept but usually he likes to treat me. For my birthday he surprised me with a holiday. If we plan a holiday I will contribute a big chunk but he always pays more but he does earn more. He pays all the bills and mortgage but I give a contribution each month and we split the food shop approx 50/50. When we married though I did own a property which he did not and that is now both of ours of course.

Lulu are we married to the same man?

We have only done token presents from kids when skint but that doesn't matter, a person tends to be generous with love and time if they are generous with money - and the opposite is true.

I would not be happy to use my earnings as disposable income on him when basically its more than likely that you are the reason he can afford to overpay on his mortgage, win win for him, you are getting nothing out of it. Yes he does sound loving and caring but from what you describe, it doesn't appear to be for the right reasons.

I don't agree with that FloweryTwat my DH is very generous with time, love and money. It's not mutually exclusive.

Sounds like you each have a very different idea of what being in a relationship means in respect of financial arrangements. (What you are looking for - a situation where ALL the money and assets including the house is JOINT money/assets which you equally control - is normal and healthy IMO).
Some perfectly nice people have very odd attitudes to money. I have a friend who is completely obsessive about money - always thinks he is broke, even when he plainly isn't - talks about the 30p he has saved on the latest purchase - whines about charges for ANYTHING no matter how reasonable and then whines about his own clients not wanting to pay a reasonable amount.
It's almost become a mental health issue. Just wondering, is your DP maybe somewhere on the autistic spectrum? My obsessive friend has just been diagnosed.

Sounds a bit tight. He clearly doesn't prioritise you over everyone else if he went on a holiday that you would have enjoyed without you, that was prioritising himself big time. Why does he save so much every month when interest rates are so low? It would be better use of his money to pay down the mortgage and just keep a small rainy day cash fund. Especially if he is putting aspects of life on hold until the mortgage is cleared. This sounds more miserly than sensible.

I haven't made myself clear Gingerbread that's what I am saying - if you are generous with time and love then you are also generally generous with money.

But, more than anything, just TALK to him about how the situation makes you feel. If he cares as much for you as appears, it will make him think and maybe change his approach.

He may be very nice but you are acting and being treated like a flat mate and a servant . Time to get a life

He sounds like a good man. Don't throw him away over this.

FloweryTwat Are we? Can you see him at the moment. He is lounging on the sofa next to me, absent-mindedly stroking my leg, drinking beer and talking about the Olympics. If he is your husband I will send him round because I am sick of hearing about the Olympics.

I wouldn't bother with 'tests'. He's shown you who he is, over and over and over. He's using you. Find a flatshare to begin next month. Bet it'll work out cheaper than what you're paying him to wash his fucking sucks. That is what you are doing, you're subsidising him and sucking his cock into the bargain. He's quid's in already!

He's tight. NOTHING makes up for that because you are not a priority for him. His mortgage and £1500/month savings is. He can live with those in his bed.

Tight people are about as sexy as a maggot sandwich.

Oh, and Blyton, obviously he thinks extravagant holidays (diving isn't cheap) are definitely something to spend money on, for himself.

That whole holiday thing would have been what killed it for me, OP.

Just stop wasting your time with people like this. You won't believe how much freer you feel when you have a life free of forever calculating your 50% for everything (that's what flatmates do with rent and bills, you do this for everything), living with someone who is constantly nickle'ing and dime'ing and boring the spit out of you with talk about his money, making you feel guilty about a £50 bottle of fucking perfume.

You just find a flatshare and go through with it. 'This relationship isn't working for me anymore. I need space to think about things.' 'About what?!' 'If you have to ask that, that's the reason why I need some time out to think of things.' Because I can tell you right now, he knows damn well what he's doing.

And here's a little note of fact here: being a flatmate or even a lodger or housesharer with a contract gives you more right than you have with this selfish person who's using you. He can street you tonight and you will have absolutely no recourse at all.

Ask yourself how you go to the point where you think this is something you deserve to put up with, because it isn't.

He's not a partner, just someone who takes you for a ride.

You have one smart DP.

His large salary is invested - savings, overpaying the mortgage.

Your smaller salary pays his bills plus you do his cooking and cleaning.

He has it all worked out and is on a fantastic deal.

Why on EARTH are you doing all the cooking and cleaning?

God to many Q's to answer really.

I pay for the Electricity and the Sky and Internet and buy the food.

He pays mortgage, water and council tax, house insurance etc.

My outgoings for the house come to on average £500 per month.

I know how much his mortgage is because he notes it down in one of his expense spreadsheets, this year it was £850. I'm guessing the water, council tax and household insurance takes it all to about £1000 a month.

So actually, he does pay out a lot more than me.

I guess I exaggerated a bit when I said I do all the cooking. I do about 70-80% of the cooking. He cooks if I am home late for my hobby or if I've had a long day at work etc.

I do all of the cleaning, well, it started off 50/50 but he is so lazy and slack when it comes to cleaning that be either would do a half arsed job which meant I had to/ wanted to do it again anyway or he left it and left it until he could be bothered to do it and by that point his job was so messy/ dirty that again, I just lost patience and did it myself. Without even really realising, over the past 6 months it has transitioned to me doing 90% of the cleaning. He takes the rubbish out as I refuse to do that. But that's it. I am a bit OCD about cleaning though admittedly.

He has said that he isn't bothered about getting married as 'it would be £20k that could be spent on paying his mortgage off' I have made it very clear that I want to get married within the next few years.

Bet he wouldn't for one moment consider marriage.

Because then he would have to share his wealth.

It is all wonderful while he has all the financials his way.

Try proposing to him and see his reaction. I bet my bottom dollar that no matter how much he loves you
He loves his money more.

For me, this is a deal breaker.

'So actually, he does pay out a lot more than me. '

Yeah, he also earns treble than you. And that £500, he banks that in his £1500/month.

'He has said that he isn't bothered about getting married as 'it would be £20k that could be spent on paying his mortgage off' I have made it very clear that I want to get married within the next few years.'

You have your answer right there, OP. He doesn't want to marry anyone. He's married to his money. This is a classic excuse and you know what's so pathetic about it? It's cowardly. A person who respects and loves someone would tell them the truth: I don't want to get married.

Please stop wasting your time if marriage is what you want.

Tell him, 'This relationship isn't working for me anymore. I need some space.' And do this after you've found a place to stay because he can literally show you the door and you'll have to go.

He isn't a good man. A good person cherishes people they love more than their golden calf.

Ahh, not bothered about getting married. If only the cost of a wedding is the problem then Suggest a £400 registry office job - no need to spend £20k.

Are some of his savings in your name? As I'm guessing you are a lower rate tax payer and he is financially savvy - he will have lots of his savings in your name to reduce tax on interest savings (I know this changed in April).

corkie is absolutely right. You're allowing him to save and yet contribute nothing to you. If you split up you will have nothing. After 4 years no ring and no sign of one? Have you discussed that? He has his cake and boy is he enjoying it. All those "lovely"'things he does, that's what a decent man does for his gf /wife! Being tight is SO unattractive. He values money more than you by the sound of it.

My DH is very generous and sometimes I have to rein him in as he'd spend far too much. We go away a lot too as do most people I know. Life is too short to scrimp if you don't have to. The holiday thing is awful!! I couldn't stand to be with someone as tight as a ducks arse as your man is. He is saving for HIS future, not yours.

Why on Earth propose or suggest marriage to someone who has already made it clear how he feels? You don't need to test this person, he has already shown you, and continues to do so, who he really is.

Bin him.

I had a tight XH. I knew he was tight when we were dating. I turned 18 two weeks after our first date, and he bought me a card (cheap, newsagent job) but no present, because we'd just met.

I was a student and he was working, yet he would go on holiday without me.

I came into money in my early twenties, and bought him a car and paid for us a trip to NYC. We got married, and lo and behold, after 3 months, he'd jacked his job in.

We're divorced now. He's never paid me one single penny towards our children, despite getting a property worth 250k and 20k a month rental, and 145k settlement from the jointly owned house (that I paid for). He doesn't work, either.

I wish I'd listened to the alarm bells...get out while you can. Don't be as daft as I was.

The half-arsed cleaning so that you end up getting exasperated and doing it yourself is not new, and very passive-aggressive on his part.

He doesn't want to marry you either.

It's not just the cash payment, but the time to cook and do the cleaning is still lost time for you - you could be learning a new language for instance. I live alone and I'm doing a fraction of the cleaning when I was with my lazy ex, my flat is tidier and I don't have any of the resentment to go with it.

Seriously love, you can do so much better.

He's mean OP. Not careful, not prudent, not even the euphemistic "tight". He's mean.

Get out now, before you have kids and are any way financially dependant on him. He will never love you as much as he loves money.