To ask how generous your OH's are and to wonder whether my DP is tight?!

[Frustrated01]

I'm aware this post will make me seem mercenery; but it's really not about money, more about attitude and thoughtfulness.

Together 4 years, live together in his house. He is a 'high earner' (earns 3 x my salary) He pays the mortgage (as its his house) and a couple of bills, I pay the rest of the bills, buy all the food and do all of the cooking and cleaning.

We take it in turns to pay when we go out, but it is mostly me as I always feel guilty that his outgoings for the house are probably more than mine.

Over the past couple of weeks, it has been an unfortunate coincidence that a lot of my friends have had big birthdays and nearly all of their partners have taken them away or for a weekend break or, TBH just been NICE and treated them.

All the girls at work seem to have lovely DPs who take them out to dinner on a Friday night or occasionally just do something nice for them, just because? I saw one of my friends the other night and she said that she is going to New York in November, for her 30th, as a present from her DP as he knows she's always wanted to go. I honestly just sat there thinking how lovely that was and how pigs would literally fly before my boyfriend ever did anything like that for me.

In the four years we have been going out, he has never once taken me for a night away, a weekend away or a holiday (and YES I have done all of these things for him before anyone says anything) If we go out for dinner or to the cinema or anything it's nearly always me that suggests it and then again everything is mostly split exactly 50/50

Every year for my birthday or Christmas he just says 'What do you want for your birthday/ Christmas?' I always feel bad saying anything really in case he thinks it's too expensive so normally just say 'A bottle of perfume' and there it is, wrapped up, a bottle of perfume. Don't get me wrong, it's what I asked for, but where is the thought?! Where is the romance?! And God forbid he should spend more than £50 on me.

Last year he wanted to go on a scuba diving holiday (we're both quite keen divers) I had just bought a new car and honestly just didn't have the money....so he went on his own. My friends and my mum blew up and said it was awful that he would rather have gone away on his own...than pay to bring his girlfriend of 4 years with him. I was upset that he went but at the end of the day, I didn't have the money so fine.

I got in the other night and told him about my friends surprise 30th New York trip, I gently 'joked' that he would never do anything like that for me and he said 'Well no, I haven't paid my mortgage off yet. Until I pay my mortgage off, extravagant gifts like that just wouldn't ever happen'

He is 30 and puts nearly £1500 per month into a savings account, he over pays on his mortgage by a vast amount each month and then the rest is his 'spending money'

I get that his approach is sensible, but for gods sake I'm not asking him to be 'extravagent' every month, I'm just saying that actually, once every couple of years it would be nice to be taken away for the weekend or for a night in a nice hotel. Just like I do for him on his birthday etc.

I know I sound unreasonable and princessey in this post. I promise I'm not, I'm just fed up of there not being any joy in life, of him going on about money all the time and banging on constantly about paying off his mortgage.

In every other way our relationship is great, he is an incredibly loving and supporting boyfriend and we are best friends. But there is just no surprise or romance- ever.

2 people in the last 2 days have asked me whether I'm sure I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, because they think although he is lovely that he is tight and mercenary.

I'm sitting here feeling really down and wondering whether he is totally right for me. But I really am not lying when I say that he is incredibly supporting and loving In other ways.

He priorities me over every one else in his life, he does anything and everything he can for me. He supports me in my hobby, comes to cheer on the side line in every single competition I've done, he fixes my car, massages my feet after a long day at work, listens to me for hours on end if I have a problem, he was my absolute rock last year when my dad was ill. He walks my dog, cooks dinner if I am on a late etc, listens endlessly to my girlfriends man problems when they come over and buys us all wine and chocolate for our girly nights, brings them tea and toast in the morning etc. Literally everything practical and emotional he is fine and a godsend, but he just doesn't make me feel 'special' in anyway. He is just one of those 'nice guys' that would literally do anything to help anyone, everyone says it and he is always going out of his way to help people efc which is one of the reasons why I love him.

I don't know. I guess that is the problem, the fact that I just don't feel that special to him, that everything he does for me I know he's probably done for his previous girlfriends and the fact that he went on holiday on his own, rather than pay to take me with him and won't ever spend any more than £50 on a present for me or reluctantly pays for meals out etc is just making it all feel a bit 'blah' and being surrounded by friends and colleagues who all seem to be wined and dined is making me feel even more meh.

SO, is he normal and my expectations are just too high? Or is he a bit tight?

Are your DPs generous?

Expat, I totally agree about the cleaning! That's the one part of this that I have lots of sympathy for the OP and think her boyfriend needs to step up and take his share.
I just don't think that his hard-earned cash necessarily needs to be shared with his girlfriend when there are no kids involved. The OP seems to be envious of the difference in wages and therefore seems to feel an entitlement to have some of his. She has no kids - there is nothing stopping her from trying for a promotion, saving for herself, getting a buy to let property and improving her own situation.
If I was the OP's boyfriend, her behaviour would be giving me big flashing red flags with lights on top saying, "protect your assets, she's after your money". I'd be so worried that I'd marry her and she'd leave me, taking half of everything I'd worked for before I'd even met her.

Ireally - about the wedding... I could be wrong, but I have a sneaky suspicion that the OP wouldn't be happy with a cheap wedding!
Why should he marry someone who is blatantly after his money??

Indeed. I foten say to the richer fiance in a couple use this acid test - does your other half love you enough to have a £500 wedding? If they don't and are just on the make then don't marry them. Never buy what you can rent as they say regarding lower earner boyfriends and girl friends. I won't again - having paid out to a husband on divorce I am not going to do so again.

I think you need to talk to him. It does sound like he gets anxious about spending money but it may be that it simply hasn't occurred to him to spend more on you or whisk you away.

My DH is really generous but he never knows what to get me and when I once asked him to organise a weekend away he went into meltdown because, for him, it was outside his comfort zone and he was mega stressed.

Talk to him about what it would mean to you for him to surprise you with something and see what happens. It sounds like it isn't about the money so much as you feeling like he is putting his mortgage above you. if you talk about it you might find that he is anxious about financial security for some reason and / or it never occurred to him to spend more on you or even to pay for you to come scuba diving - he might have even thought you didn't want him to pay!

Good luck OP! Remember you won't be able to change him but you can make sure you understand him before you decide whether to spend the rest of your lives together!

Isn't it funny how the people who are fine with the man's meanness - claiming it to be carefullness - are the one's calling the OP horrible names such as "leech", "entitled princess". It's an excellent illustration of mean with money = mean spirited.

OP: ignore harshbuttrue and thecook. They seem to be the kind of women who enjoy putting other women down. Listen to what perty much everyone else is telling you. This isn;t kind, it isn;t normal adn it will get worse if you stay with him.

I wish you all the luck in the world making your decision.

'Never buy what you can rent as they say regarding lower earner boyfriends and girl friends.'

It's chilling to think there are people walking round who truly see other people in this way, sociopathic, in fact.

OP I don't think you are after his money.
I think he is a mean man.
There may be reasons why but the end result is he is mean and he does not cherish you.
His money is more important to him.
That would be a deal breaker for me.
Your Mum is right.
Find somebody who loves you.

I think it's fine actually. You're not married and you've not been together decades. You don't have kids. It would be different if your relationship was the next step on but right now it's early days commitment wise. You're only a few years down the line.

I couldn't disagree more. Four years is a long time when you are 30, and way past the casual relationship stage - especially if you are living together.

I don't think OP wants her DP to 'top up' her lifestyle (ugh). She wants him to commit to her. Ultimately, this isn't really about the sums of money, but what the money represents. In an adult, committed relationship, you are a team and you share aspects of your life with each other. I'm not keen on totally merged finances and have always maintained my financial independence but OP needs to know where her relationship is going and have a conversation with him about whether he is willing to make a commitment to her.

I think you should stop the cleaning cooking and other domestic chores.
He wouldn't get a lodger to do all that and at the moment that's all you are.
If however he wants to live like a married couple well then get married if not well that's your answer.

OP you are partly responsible for your relationship dynamic and you act like you don't have a say, when you do. There's lots of "I feel guilty" and "I think I should" statements in your posts, there's nothing mercenary about financial planning for your future.

Did you not agree beforehand how you'd manage your finances and domestic responsibilities? There's a good chance that you taking responsibility for the domestic front isn't seen as 'payment in lieu' but a gender expectation.

Comparing him to the partners of your friends is ridiculous, they could all be in serious debt for all you know. You obviously have different expectations regarding money, gifts etc, isn't it better to discuss and negotiate these differences, rather than being resentful.

You have a voice, use it.

I think this is a bit 6 of 1 and half a dozen of another.

You shouldn't be doing all the cooking and cleaning (WTF dos you agree to do that anyway??).

Given you have no more than a house share type arrangement say paying for all food and bills is making your monthly outgoings inconsistent - say you're happy to pay half bills and food and ask to set up a joint account for that. I think you should also pay a couple hundred extra for 'rent'.

Also you are young and childless - you have every opportunity to sort your career out and earn more money yourself. Don't be caught in the trap of wanting a man to look after you and whisk you away on scuba diving holidays. Whilst it would be nice, and most people would do that for their partner, he is very clearly saying 'we are not a team' and you need to look out for yourself.

3k is cheap for a car.

I don't think he should sub your holiday, he should pull his weight around the house and it's fine not to go crazy with materialistic stuff. His priorities are different to yours and you could always ask for a weekend away as a xmas gift. At this stage it's much like living with a friend with finances kept seperste.

To those saying it isn't about the money - it IS about the money!! The OP is pissed off that her higher earning boyfriend doesn't pay for her to go on expensive holidays, and "only" buys her £50 bottles of perfume for her birthday. There's nothing wrong with a nice bottle of perfume for a birthday present!! And no one is entitled to a free holiday.

A lot of women seem to think that they can bypass the years of hard graft that are needed to be able to afford a luxury lifestyle, and think they can just find a rich bloke to pay for it all. With today's high divorce rates, most well-off people are reluctant to marry someone who could end up walking away with half of everything they've worked for. The "find a rich man" route to eternal comfort just doesn't exist anymore. I doubt that the OP's boyfriend's good job fell from a tree - he worked for it!!

And to the poster who said that I enjoyed putting other women down - I don't!! I just don't see why having a cock equates to being an open wallet. I absolutely hate the unfairness that is sometimes seen on here where "a man's money is family money. A woman's money is her money". They don't have kids ffs!!

There you go again, harsh, making all sorts of assumptions about this guy, the poor hard done by grafter who worked for his tiring job (for all we know, he might be one of those people who got handed a good job through parental connections and/or a great whacking deposit), just like you did assuming the OP bought a brand new car.

harsh if you are living as a couple - married or otherwise surely you help each other out. Yes your money is yours but part of being in a relationship is the 'couple' bit. How can you be a couple if one thinks it's ok to fuck off on Holiday if the other cant afford it? Surely the adult thing to do is choose a holiday you can both afford 50/50 or the higher earning one pays for a bigger chunk of the bill.

My ex and I had wildly different earnings.

When We got together I was earning just under 10k a year and he was on £40k. Yes I paid my way and covered meals trips out etc but he would want to take me to more expensive things book things, knew I couldn't afford it yet did not expect a penny paid back because we were a couple and he wanted to be with me.

Ditto when he lost his job and had to claim JSA and I was able to work FT again. I started earning just over £25k. Yes I paid for more things but I didn't begrudge or insist he pay 50/50 because we were a couple and I wanted to do things together. (We weren't living together here btw before anyone jumps in the JSA thing)

The whole set up of 50/50 split for everything when couples live together and earn wildly different amounts always striked me as odd.

you can keep your finances separate and protected and still share with a partner even if you pay more than they do.

In the OPs case though, her partner choosing not to help her out by paying a bigger share of the holiday or covering a few more meals/trips out isn't protecting his finances he's saying he doesn't care if she's there or not and is quite happy to do stuff without her. He's treating her like a decoration who only gets paraded out of she's worthy - ie can pay for the privilege of being in his company.

We see to fall into two views - those who think capable adult women and men shoud support themselves when there are no children and those who thinks this lady has a right to be unhpappy her husband does not do even more than he already does to subsidise her lifestyle.

I think there are two issues, here OP. One is what you and he value regarding how you show how you love each other. For me, lack of splashy gifts (and, in fact, £50 would be a splashy gift to me!) is no problem. For my birthday this year my husband got me a cute piece of jewelry related to our shared interests - I don't know how much it cost, but it couldn't be more than £15. For his birthday, I asked him what he wanted and it was something related to his hobby that he would have to sort himself, so I told him to get it and that would be his present from me. Another couple might find this mean, but for us it's fine. Neither of us set big store by presents and big gestures like that. And we'd rather each get something we wanted than have the other person spend money on just making a gesture. DH has now set up an Amazon Wishlist for me for Xmas, and each year I just get something off it. We both hate picking gifts and don't really value receiving them so much, so it works.

I've recently learned about something called 'Love Language', where people use different ways to assess whether or not someone loves them: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. People then tend 'do' to others what they consider 'loving' when they get it. So, for example, I value Words of Affirmation and Quality Time, and I'm pretty sure DH values Quality Time and Acts of Service. At least we match up on Quality Time, although sometimes I feel like I need to tell him to tell me he appreciates me, although I do it to him naturally, and I suspect he may sometimes think "well, she could do something for me a bit more" (and I do try to -- I did a few of his household chores on his birthday this year, but it took a lot of effort to remember it was something he'd appreciate). From your description, it sounds like you value Receiving Gifts and he doesn't (although he probably does Quality Time and Acts of Service, perhaps Physical Touch). If you want to open up a dialogue with him about this, there are online quizzes you can take to figure out your Love Language - perhaps that might help him see what you value and makes you feel 'special', and you may be able to come to some middle ground on that. For example, maybe if he puts thought into something, or plans a meal out, it would be as good as an expensive gift. If he doesn't value it himself, even though you give it to him (like you mention about dinners and holidays), he won't think to reciprocate as he doesn't see it in the same way.

Then the second issue is the mortgage and not wanting to get married. I can't tell from words on a screen how calculated vs just unthinking he's being here - it could all be unconscious based on a fear developed somehow about financial security (my father is totally like this - he paid off a mortgage in 5 years and really skimped on all other life things during that period because debt absolutely terrifies him), or it could be calculated, logical steps to protect himself. Only by bringing up the subject will you be able to tell.

The absolute brass neck of some folk on here, thinking they can dictate how a stranger spends his salary. Unreal.

There are some quite ugly views on this thread. They seem very focused on one particular thing, and seem unable to rub two brain cells together and see a bigger picture.

Their attitudes seem...........odd and very aggressive.

It really is worth reading in full what Op and other pp have to say. When I say read, I also mean putting the effort into comprehending what you read. Then respond in a measured way.

I know it must be a struggle for them. But its better then coming across as a complete arse.

Once again the attitude that women who have had children have more value than those who dont.

And harsh i really dont know why YOU are making this distinction because ive seen you on other threads spouting the same shit towards women WITH kids.

Good luck with your conversation about going on the mortgage op!

I suspect he won't be keen so you then need to do some financially planning as you have no security for yourself should the relationship end.

He's already said he doesn't want to marry but you do want to marry - that's a big mud match so I would be planning to leave.

Mis match not mud match! Ffs

I think he sounds tight, tight, tight!

When I met DH, we earned radically different amounts of money. He took me on a holiday I could never have afforded in the first year. When I became too ill to work, he supported me 100% financially - he literally paid for everything: clothes, holidays, house, car, the lot. I am now back on my feet and hope to catch him up in the job stakes one day . And should he ever be unwell, I would do the same for him without blinking. That, to me, is what commitment and a partnership means: that you are there for each other when the shit hits the fan.

Yes, Helena, I do have the same attitude towards people with kids who are no longer kids anymore - there is a world of difference between a woman (or man) wanting to stay at home by mutual agreement when there is a littlie involved, as opposed to someone whose partner prefers them to go back to work when the kids are at school. However, this is irrelevant - this couple are boyfriend and girlfriend, and he doesn't want to marry her.

Beef, well said - HIS money, HIS choice.

I think the boyfriend is being very, very sensible in not marrying the OP. If the genders were reversed, I reckon most people on here would agree with me.