To ask how generous your OH's are and to wonder whether my DP is tight?!

[Frustrated01]

I'm aware this post will make me seem mercenery; but it's really not about money, more about attitude and thoughtfulness.

Together 4 years, live together in his house. He is a 'high earner' (earns 3 x my salary) He pays the mortgage (as its his house) and a couple of bills, I pay the rest of the bills, buy all the food and do all of the cooking and cleaning.

We take it in turns to pay when we go out, but it is mostly me as I always feel guilty that his outgoings for the house are probably more than mine.

Over the past couple of weeks, it has been an unfortunate coincidence that a lot of my friends have had big birthdays and nearly all of their partners have taken them away or for a weekend break or, TBH just been NICE and treated them.

All the girls at work seem to have lovely DPs who take them out to dinner on a Friday night or occasionally just do something nice for them, just because? I saw one of my friends the other night and she said that she is going to New York in November, for her 30th, as a present from her DP as he knows she's always wanted to go. I honestly just sat there thinking how lovely that was and how pigs would literally fly before my boyfriend ever did anything like that for me.

In the four years we have been going out, he has never once taken me for a night away, a weekend away or a holiday (and YES I have done all of these things for him before anyone says anything) If we go out for dinner or to the cinema or anything it's nearly always me that suggests it and then again everything is mostly split exactly 50/50

Every year for my birthday or Christmas he just says 'What do you want for your birthday/ Christmas?' I always feel bad saying anything really in case he thinks it's too expensive so normally just say 'A bottle of perfume' and there it is, wrapped up, a bottle of perfume. Don't get me wrong, it's what I asked for, but where is the thought?! Where is the romance?! And God forbid he should spend more than £50 on me.

Last year he wanted to go on a scuba diving holiday (we're both quite keen divers) I had just bought a new car and honestly just didn't have the money....so he went on his own. My friends and my mum blew up and said it was awful that he would rather have gone away on his own...than pay to bring his girlfriend of 4 years with him. I was upset that he went but at the end of the day, I didn't have the money so fine.

I got in the other night and told him about my friends surprise 30th New York trip, I gently 'joked' that he would never do anything like that for me and he said 'Well no, I haven't paid my mortgage off yet. Until I pay my mortgage off, extravagant gifts like that just wouldn't ever happen'

He is 30 and puts nearly £1500 per month into a savings account, he over pays on his mortgage by a vast amount each month and then the rest is his 'spending money'

I get that his approach is sensible, but for gods sake I'm not asking him to be 'extravagent' every month, I'm just saying that actually, once every couple of years it would be nice to be taken away for the weekend or for a night in a nice hotel. Just like I do for him on his birthday etc.

I know I sound unreasonable and princessey in this post. I promise I'm not, I'm just fed up of there not being any joy in life, of him going on about money all the time and banging on constantly about paying off his mortgage.

In every other way our relationship is great, he is an incredibly loving and supporting boyfriend and we are best friends. But there is just no surprise or romance- ever.

2 people in the last 2 days have asked me whether I'm sure I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, because they think although he is lovely that he is tight and mercenary.

I'm sitting here feeling really down and wondering whether he is totally right for me. But I really am not lying when I say that he is incredibly supporting and loving In other ways.

He priorities me over every one else in his life, he does anything and everything he can for me. He supports me in my hobby, comes to cheer on the side line in every single competition I've done, he fixes my car, massages my feet after a long day at work, listens to me for hours on end if I have a problem, he was my absolute rock last year when my dad was ill. He walks my dog, cooks dinner if I am on a late etc, listens endlessly to my girlfriends man problems when they come over and buys us all wine and chocolate for our girly nights, brings them tea and toast in the morning etc. Literally everything practical and emotional he is fine and a godsend, but he just doesn't make me feel 'special' in anyway. He is just one of those 'nice guys' that would literally do anything to help anyone, everyone says it and he is always going out of his way to help people efc which is one of the reasons why I love him.

I don't know. I guess that is the problem, the fact that I just don't feel that special to him, that everything he does for me I know he's probably done for his previous girlfriends and the fact that he went on holiday on his own, rather than pay to take me with him and won't ever spend any more than £50 on a present for me or reluctantly pays for meals out etc is just making it all feel a bit 'blah' and being surrounded by friends and colleagues who all seem to be wined and dined is making me feel even more meh.

SO, is he normal and my expectations are just too high? Or is he a bit tight?

Are your DPs generous?

thecook

Read OP's update:

It wasn't a brand new car, it was a £3k second hand car

thecook also Read The Fucking Thread.

He's very good at protecting his assets, isn't he? As the lawyers above have said, he's very cannily arranged for you to pay for living expenses while he pays the mortgage, so that you couldn't claim an interest in the house.

He has a housekeeper who pays him living expenses and provides sex. He does just enough to keep the relationship ticking over with his housekeeper-with-financial- and-sexual-benefits, but isn't going to change the status quo- why would he? Marrying you would cost him money. He doesn't need to be more generous, because you're putting up with the current situation. Doesn't need to clean, because you do it.

Even if you want to stay in a relationship with him, I would be inclined to consider moving out into a house share so that you can try to save for a deposit for your own property and get some independence, or alternatively if you want to continue to live with him insist on spitting all bills in half and transfer money to him as a regular bank transfer labelled something like 'mortgage and bills contribution'. In the meantime, do whatever you can to save a deposit for your own property- stop buying the boyfriend expensive presents and paying for holidays away, stop going out or on holidays with him as you're saving for your own property.

It wasn't in her original post.

I still have the same stance Women like the OP want the world and expect men to pay A fucking princess

Deep breaths, thecook - you seem very angry. ✌️

is that £850 towards his mortgage for the whole year of per month op?
do you actually know how much each of the monthly bills he pays are?
What are your respective take-home salaries per month?

the house ins and mortgage are his sole responsibility....but all the bills - including food - should be split proportionately. the 'rent' you would otherwise be paying - well surely that is one of the benefits of living as a couple - i bet he saves more per month than your rent would be! Does he resent this? Cos he certainly resents spending any of his money on you.

i think you're headed for disaster if you're hoping for a happy ever after with him. today it's his 'mortgage', when that's paid off it will be his 'pension' and 'savings' for his retirement/ill health/possible economic collapse/pending apocalypse.....there will always be a 'good reason' why his money is all his.

"To me this is all baseline stuff - what you'd expect from someone you liked (loved!) well enough to be in a relationship with."

Holy hell, that's a lot to write off as baseline stuff. If that's what you expect as bare minimum i would class that as high maintenance.

I think the OP needs to talk to DP and deal with their differing expectations on finances. This should be basic relationship stuff which should have been sorted long before 4 years. Kind of agree it's not looking positive though.

High maintenance!

I think we'll have to agree to disagree - it's not one person expecting 'special' treatment from their partner - but a couple in a loving, friendly, mutually beneficial long-term relationship, being nice to each other.

As I said, it's a basic compatibility issue. The OP's DP isn't necessarily being unreasonable - I'm sure there are women out there who would happily live like that. The OP just isn't one of them - and that's more than OK.

Some of you will have seen this before. Its a very old post of mine from another site. He also liked camping because it was cheap.

Hi I felt i had to join this site to conribute to this thread.One poster suggested to the OP to get a job.Well how can she attend a job interview in her only pair of holey shoes.The interviewer would think she didnt care.I once dated a man like the OPs husband.
1 My ex would time me in the shower only allowing me THREE MINUTES maximum (worried about his water meter)
2 i was round his late one night and when it came for time to take me home we found his sisters car which he had borrowed had been broken into,drivers window smashed glass everywhere both big shards and very small ones.I couldnt believe what he then said.
"well it will be a bit cold but i will brush the glass of the seats and drive you home" He actually expected me to risk sitting on broken glass rather than fork out for a taxihe insisted he had no money i only had 10 pounds to my name until payday. It wasnt until we went to the cashpoint i found out he had 700 pounds and it was only 4 days till his next payday.He begrudgingly lent me 30 pounds for a taxi after i phoned the cab company and got an exact quote from them and yes i paid him back.No way could we drive around in car with a smashed window.Police might have thought my ex was the one who pinched it and it would have caused complications getting the crime number which you need for the insurance payout.Oh and it was November so it was cold
He refused to by a present for his brothers 40th not even a cheap bottle of plonk even though i offered to go halves yet he insisted on going to the party
He saw a duvet set in my catologue that he fancied so he asked me to order it and he would pay me back when it was delivered.
On the day it came i met him for dinner and took the duvet set with me and instinct told me to take the invoice as well.I gave him the set we went and sat down and i asked him for the money so i could pay off the invoice.Every time i asked he kept changing the subject and this went on for a good hour and a half.In the end i had to put the invoice in his lap.
The straw that broke the camels back in the end?He invited (insisted) that i pop round three days before Christmas and didnt tell me he had a really bad tummy bug and then he CRAP**D the bed I KID YOU NOT.He said he thought it was safe enough to try and fart HIS WORDS I went down with said bug on the Boxing Day.I was absolutely furious.I ended the relationship on New Years Eve.
Incidentally he would NEVER buy groceries at all unless he knew i was coming over 1 packet of pasta 1packet of pasta sauce 1 bottle of diet coke and garlic bread.One time i was too ill to go over and he had a right go at me cos he had already bought this stuff. He did deliveries for an Indian takeaway five nights a week and they gave him a free meal to take home every night.When i pointed out this was bad for his health he just said "Its free.
In the summertime i used to buy ice cream and leave it in his freezer.I gave up on this after a while as he would just let the electric run out and the ice cream would melt. One time i was getting out of the shower at his one NIGHT and the electric just went off and i nearly slipped.He would only get a tenner out of the cashpoint at a time but then would get the car out to take the five minute drive to the cashpoint every time he needed more
By the way this was a man in his early fifties.
There was also a time that he refused to go out and buy more toilet roll when he once ran out when i was over there and told me to take my Imodium so i woudnt need to go.(i suffer from IBS) I sincerly hope that no woman ever has children with my ex.It would be a pass port to poverty. I will NEVER tolerate a tightwad again

@TheDowagerCuntess fair point well made :)

:)

The cook,

Public transport? We live rurally, there are 2 buses a day that go in and out of the village, that often don't turn up!

Walk?? It is 5 miles to the nearest town and 11 to the nearest city!

So yeh, I'll just keep my clients waiting and lose my business shall I by waiting for a never due bus?!

My god you're assumptions!!

If I was a leech I'd sit on my backside and not work or contribute at all. I've spent the last 18 months working my arse off, working 2 jobs in order to get this business off the ground. So don't you dare tell me I'm a leech because on mornings like this morning when it's pissing it down outside and dark, I really wish I could bring it upon myself to 'be a leech' (not that I'd have much luck doing that with him ) but I couldn't ever do that as I like paying my way, I enjoy my job and like having my own money.

Yes, that is £850 per month to his mortgage.

To someone who asked re the disparity of earnings.

He takes home just shy over £4000 a month. I know this because A) he's not shy about telling me and 2) because he constantly leaves his bloody wage slips, opened l, information side up around the house when I tell him off about it he says 'what's the problem, it's inly you and I that live here and you know what I earn'

I take home roughly £1600 per month.

I'll try and sit him down and talk to him but Ijjst worry that I'll come across as mercenary and gold diggers. It's hard because he really does just reiterate the line of 'I want to get the mortgage paid off so we have a guaranteed roof over our heads blah blah'

I think I'll ask him to consider putting me on the mortgage an see what he says!

It just sounds like you are not compatible - so that's fine.
I agree with this:
"harshbuttrue1980 Sun 21-Aug-16 09:22:09

Also, why is everyone so against the bloke protecting his assets from an unmarried partner when there are no kids?? If the woman was the higher earner and had her own house, I bet most of the people on here would be telling her to protect herself to make sure her boyfriend didn't get a claim on her asset."

"We have a guaranteed roof over our heads" that would actually be he has a guaranteed roof over his head, you don't. You're not his next of kin, if he dropped dead today where would you live?

I know a couple who have been in this exact scenario recently, the house-owner claimed to love his partner very, very much ...but no he wouldn't get married and wouldn't entertain partner going on the deeds. He had to protect his assets in case of a split don't you know. Well now they have split so he feels justified, not bothered that it was the reason for the split in the first place.

Ah yes, a guaranteed roof over HIS head. I still think it's odd that he's so obsessed with paying the mortgage off at the age of 30. But you don't come across as a gold digger at all, you basically have no security the way you're living at the moment.

Definitely suggest having your name on the mortgage. I can guarantee there'll be some excuse as to why it's absolutely not possible.

You will never be happy if you are constantly comparing your life to others. Your DP is careful with money which has its benefits e.g. security. You aren't going to change him so you need to work out if this is what you want - if it is, accept that this is who he is.

However, if you are going to be together long term then conversations need to be had about the split of money, joint accounts etc, especially if you plan to have children.

'I'll try and sit him down and talk to him but Ijjst worry that I'll come across as mercenary and gold diggers. It's hard because he really does just reiterate the line of 'I want to get the mortgage paid off so we have a guaranteed roof over our heads blah blah'

I think I'll ask him to consider putting me on the mortgage an see what he says!'

Why bother? He will always think you're a gold digger. He's tells you the mortgage line over and over because this is how he thinks! This is his fundamental belief.

You are wasting your time with this person. He's 'not bothered' about marriage. Of course not, he's married to his money and assets.

Op, do you ever wonder whether he's got wind of the fact that you want his money to top up your lifestyle and is deliberately holding back because he doesn't trust you fully? If he marries you and it goes wrong, you could ruin him financially. His money is his money, and you aren't entitled to it. You have no kids, you're just his girlfriend. If you're sensible, you'd get your own buy to let property. He sounds like a lovely bloke, he just doesn't want your fingers in his wallet taking his hard earned cash. If you don't want him, leave him and someone who's more independent will snap him up. Men aren't walking wallets.

I think you need to tell your boyfriend that you want to move on to the next stage in your relationship and get married. He is not committing to your joint life together: he is using you to do the nasty bits of his life that he doesn't want to do (cooking, cleaning) but he can walk away any day and he is not cherishing you.

When you tell him you want to get married, you should be prepared for him to say he doesn't want to. You need to have a plan ready in order to leave him immediately,mead high. Don't be used.

I suspect that if you hang on in there he will dump you the minute he has paid off his mortgage. He will then find a woman who is his financial equal and marry her. Where will that leave you?

I think it's fine actually. You're not married and you've not been together decades. You don't have kids. It would be different if your relationship was the next step on but right now it's early days commitment wise. You're only a few years down the line. Of course it's best to charge you like a tenant and for you to pay your way holiday wise. Car wise I guess you could have got something cheaper if you'd really wanted a big holiday.

'He sounds like a lovely bloke, he just doesn't want your fingers in his wallet taking his hard earned cash. If you don't want him, leave him and someone who's more independent will snap him up. Men aren't walking wallets.'

He's fine with taking hers - going on holiday and out on her money. I wonder how these independent women will handle his attitude towards cleaning?

Those saying op should get a buy to let property - not easily done these days if you don't already own (mortgaged, obviously!) a property. slightly missing point of thread i know, but not completely because yes, op you do need to look out for your own financial future as well. I can't work out whether you'd be better off renting on your own - it may be that financially you're no worse off with this current arrangement than if you weren't living with dp.

BUt two things stood out for me - the cooking and cleaning thing, and the fact that you have taken your dp away on weekends etc, but not vice versa. THree actually - it does not cost 20k to get married! 2k is considerably more than enough for a very quiet wedding.

This is tricky - i do see pps point that It is reasonable to protect your own financial assets, at least until you are as sure of the relationship as it is generally possible to be. Op is at the 4 year stage now, so not as if they have only just met, but if she moved in after 1 yt, say, i think it would be reasonable to be in 'protect' mode then. You then have to review things as you go on though.