Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

I'm sorry, op; it sounds miserable.

Your relationship sounds very imbalanced. Does he consult you in other matters - how to raise children, where to go on holiday, how to spend spare time etc? Is it just the money issue that you feel is a problem?

"And how can you be married to someone who's salary you don't know????"

I know someone who doesn't even know if they get child benefit and she is the SAHP which leads me to believe she doesn't have access to her DH's bank account. I also believe she receives an allowance and he definitely controls the purse strings as she seems to have to ask for things or consult him on everything. Some people seem willing to put up with crap like this.

The sucky for Chucky comments are jokes but in true honesty if I do need something, after sex is always a good time blushshock

How sad,,,,

Another voice to the chorus confirming that this is financial abuse. It's not just about the money: he has all the power and control over financial decisions. It's very telling that when you were the main earner, you shared finances and he had access to it all (as well as an equal say in how to spend it, presumably) including burning £££ on weed! It's also very worrying that he's convinced you that you "mismanaged" the money (you didn't) and are now "spoiled" because you want equal access and an equal say.

Do you recognise any of these signs of emotional abuse, OP?

You trust him. He doesn't trust you.

And what exactly does it mean that asking for money after sex is a good time? The conversation should be, "I need 400 quid" "OK I'll stick it in". It shouldn't even be that actually, you should have equal access, but that's the absolute lowest amount of control I would be expecting. And it's still control. By him. Of you.

It sounds horrible OP and it needs addressing.

Fucking hell this is shocking.

Of course it's financial abuse.

Of course it is.

You should have a joint bank account and make joint decisions about purchases.

And he should be paying for the kids' lunches.

Jesus.

I cannot believe how much shit women put up with from men and still think they're lovely.

If you had £300 just to spend on you then I'd say you're being unreasonable. But the amount you have to feed clothe and entertain to me is not enough.

Do him a budget of where the money goes and show him it's not enough

But then having said that you shouldn't have to prove you need more or feel kept in the way he keeps you.

He needs a kick up the arse

Tell him to buy the fucking school uniforms.

Honestly, this is financial abuse.

He's well off and you're poor.

That is not equality.

Evening all,

We've gone in and zapped a number of troll hunting posts from this thread - many thanks for all the reports.

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OP, we can see you're getting some good advice here, but if you want us to move this over to our Relationships topic, please let us know.

And start charging him a nanny's wage for the childcare you do.

Also, he owes you money for the ten months pregnancy and labours you've gone through.

Your words OP-

"not being an equal partner bothers me"

It really should. This situation is not right and if you talk to him and he doesn't agree that things should be back on an equal footing and understand the reasons why, you need to have a serious think, because this is not OK.

AskBasil
"I cannot believe how much shit women put up with from men and still think they're lovely."
Indeed. "Lovely" is the most bizarre word for a shit man like this.
Just because someone acts decent some of the time doesn't make up for controlling, abusive, selfish or shitty behaviour the rest of the time.

OP I don't think that your husband has another family what I think is that by the sounds of things he doesn't have a lot of say so in the day to day running of your lives as he is away working a lot so this is the aspect he can control even though he isn't there, it makes him "important". I think that he is being totally financially controlling that doesn't make him a bad person so i get what your saying about him being lovely on the other hand. If you spoke to him seriously and he didn't change then that's another story. Coming from a similar situation where my DH earns a good wage and I am a SAHM we are financially 100% equal and it makes me feel sick the thought of not being equal (regardless of whether we were poor or rich) you need to make him understand.

Suggestion that a fair way of doing this (this is what works for us) we put an amount in a joint account that covers ALL bills inc food and petrol. We then agree that month depending on what is left (commision based job) an amount that is transferred into both our accounts and then I get around £150 extra that is days out with DD and any clothes etc she may need. When were altogether no matter what we do we split it 50/50 unless one of us says this is on me etc. The rest goes into savings (DD and ours) that we never ever touch unless we both agree.

Oh God please get these moved to relationships OP.

this not these

You looking after his children, enables him to work.

He has spending money whenever he wants it, he doesn't have to consult you.

You have to go cap in hand to him.

This is degrading. A lovely man wouldn't do this to his wife.

It's fucking degrading. I cannot understand how in 2016, women don't immediately know that this is not the way an equal relationship works.

The fact that he removed you from the joint account tells me that he trying to hide his income and his spending from you.

I would never want to be in a relationship with such a huge imbalance of control.

I cannot understand how a relationship can exist where one person has a higher standard of living than the other. There is no partnership here.

If either of you earn between £50k-£60k you can claim CB but have to pay tax back on it when you do your SA if either of you earn over £60k you are not eligible to receive CB!
Be careful you don't have to pay a lot of money back to HMRC!!!

He's basically paying you maintenance & spousal support with a bit of 'friends with benefits' thrown in when he's home.
This isn't an equal relationship & he is financially abusing you.

Even if you are not 'in control' of the finances, you should at the very least have some sort of visibility of them.

First thing I would do is tell him you want to have access to the accounts again; his reaction to that will give you the best indication of just how things really are in the relationship, and you can re-evaluate from there.

Bettyboop yes I do.

No sane man with nothing to hide comes home one day with papers to take his wife's name off the joint account. Add in the fact he works away most of the time, and an affair is odds on.

OP do you actually know his flatmate is a middle aged man? As in, been there and met him/seen the flat?
It would be pretty easy to tell you whatever he wanted if he was pretty sure you'd never find out.

If you earn over £60k you are eligible to receive CB, but they take all of it back through tax at the end of the year. We have elected not to receive CB for that reason, no point, but we still have an underlying entitlement to it because we have 3 DC of eligible age, so are still registered as 'claimants', albeit electing not to receive, and could elect to start receiving it again if our finances dropped.