Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

CNGAF

There's another woman, a drug habit, or he's gambling.

Either way, he's spending money on things he doesn't want you to know about.

madgingermunchkin

Seriously?!

Do you really think this?

Vinocola, just talk to him, tell him how you feel and take it from there. I say it again, he probably is not aware of how hurt you are. Trust me, only a constructive communication can help resolve this issue. If you say he is a nice guy, then he is (please do not be mislead by the other posts- they do not know your husband, YOU DO) and surely nice guys are good at listening. Please do not lose sleep over this. Just talk to your husband, whether over romantic dinner or not. One more time, good luck.

What's with the invasion of GF's

Definitely financially abusive - add in a complete and utter wanker. This is NOT how you treat your wife.

£300 isn't even enough for groceries if you have 3 growing DC. Yes, I know a lot of people spend less, but if you are not a low income household, why should you save and scrimp rather than be able to buy good quality meat, fruit and veg, etc.

OP - this is not ok. He has lost sense of what is normal behaviour.

Heidi I really am not a troll - not sure how I can prove I'm real. I've been on Mumsnet since around 2004. (Penis beaker, sweetcorn River, cods spelling, old lady on the garden, pink Peter, red rug etc etc etc )

The reason I've sailed along like this is, perversely life is pretty good. I no longer have any stress for making ends meet with priority bills, I live in a lovely house (we've moved since the new job). Most of the time I feel very lucky.

Looking back I don't know why I agreed to sign, I was being a bit of a martyr I think.

Heidi, why are you being so unpleasant - my youngest is still up - I'm just putting ds's kit out for game tomorrow, doing dinner dishes and chasing dd up the stairs to brush teeth.

vinocola, ignore the goady fuckers on this thread. It's been reported and so have they. MNHQ will do what's necessary so just carry on posting, you don't have to explain yourself or try to prove who you are and as a regular, you'll know that.

What outcome do you want from your husband?

if you are real op then I apologise but if that is the case then omg you have been incredibly stupid . Can't you see how his treatment of you has made you excuse his behaviour by saying what a wonderful father and husband he is ? You seriously need to wake up and smell the bastard for the stinker he is.

I'm annoyed just reading this I would tell him to fuck right off!

I would ask MN to move your thread to Relationships as this is more appropriate for there.

You are being controlled; you are really in a cage of his own paranoid making. He does not have to hit you to hurt you; he can and does control you via the finances. You may well live in a lovely house but it is not a home you can be truly free in. He controls your access to money. You have to account for every penny to him and I bet you watch every penny and every spend oh so very carefully.

This man you are with does not want to hear your opinion; the only one that matters to him is his own. You are a non person to him, you are someone who does the scut work instead for him.

This is also not about a lack of communication either. If discussion and compromise could help in any way most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly. The victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from the two of you?. I can give you an answer to that question; a shedload of damaging lessons.

He is definitely financially abusing you.

Also, he is going away a lot and has decided to hide his money from you. You aren't remotely curious as to whether he's sleeping with someone else? Never crossed your mind. Or, baring in mind his cannabis habit, addicted to something?

I'm puzzled as to how you still get child benefit if your H earns that much?

And how can you be married to someone who's salary you don't know????

I'm not sure what I want really - like I say I spend most of my time enjoying a fairly stress free life with my lovely kids in a nice house. It almost feels like I'm single mother to three when he's away and I get maintenance from two fathers to my children.

But then I feel greedy as he does work very hard and when he is home he's generous.

I haven't sorted school uniforms yet and will have to wait until his home to do so, it's those kind of limitations on my spending power I resent - I'm sure if I sent him a message saying I need to buy uniforms and need X amount he would put it in but I hate asking , it feels like he's 'treating' me when they are essentials.

The hairdye is what triggered me to post - in feeling a bit shit and need hair and eyebrows done but again would have to go cap in hand as I don't have enough until the 1st September to make an appointment.

The sucky for Chucky comments are jokes but in true honesty if I do need something, after sex is always a good time

The CB comments are worrying - would it be my duty to inform them of his earnings or is it done through the tax system?

He is self employed

I've never worried about him sleeping with someone else, no. I trust him. He spends a lot of his time away telling me how much he's missing home.

He flat shares with a middle aged man

Bring the one Managing the money admin (eg paying bills, sorting out insurance etc) doesn't mean controlling the money. Well it shouldn't.