Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

He doesn't necessarily have anything to hide. He could just be a selfish, controlling arsehole who decided, once he was earning all the money, that he didn't want his wife to access it. He wanted all the control over whether/how to spend it and wanted her to come begging. This after years of allowing her to be the main breadwinner, spending her earnings on weed, and having equal access to money as well as equal control over decisions.

Of course he could be having an affair as well. Being financially abuse and a cheat are not mutually exclusive. In fact his sense of entitlement and superiority would make him a prime candidate for both.

Darling, this man doesn't even live with you.

I get what you're saying about being an almost-single mum, but I rather suspect you'd much be better off if you divorced. If he's only visiting for a couple of days a week, you literally are like a divorcee only with far fewer freedoms!

When did you last visit his flat? Have the children ever stayed overnight? What do you make of the flatmate?

Trying, I really like your take on things and did my best to go along with it. But there is far too much weirdness here for a simple error of consideration. It's interesting to note that OP supported her husband - and managed their finances - until his earnings took a dramatic uptick. Since then, the relationship's become part-time and the balance of power has shifted against her. I don't know enough about the man to guess what's going on, but something is. I wonder if he's found a richer supporter to match his increased needs?

I am certain he's not declaring his income correctly.

Your 'very lovely' husband OP? Very far from very lovely imo.

Sit him down and have an honest conversation with him about how this set up makes you feel and how it works (doesn't) for you. If he's not interested, makes excuses, won't listen, then he knows exactly what he's doing and is being financially abusive and will continue to be. If he listens and so wants to change things so they do work for you, then you're OK - as long as he makes the necessary changes immediately.

Otherwise, I think you'll be much better off financially once divorced.

Give it one last chance - have that talk.

Ask for more money. Tot up how much you spend each month and explain to him that you need more money to support the kids etc.

Then each money save a little bit in an another account ... Just in case . I bet my bottom dollar he has a savings account in his name .

Also - I'm shocked at your situation. Through the years we have varied in who earns the most, for a good few years it's been DH as I care for the children and work part-time. In the past I was the higher earner. We have always pooled resources because we are a team and a family. I run all of the domestic admin and all major expense is discussed and - in truth - DH generally has ultimate veto, but I guess I gave him that power. In general, though, I have full access to finances and we have a joint credit card. If you were to examine it I spend waaaaayyyyy more than he does because I am responsible for everything and he only needs to spend what he needs for himself, but we don't look at who spent what where because it's all family money. I make sure we stay within our means & have savings/emergency funds.

Link re the Child benefit - www.gov.uk/child-benefit/overview

The numbers you have mentioned re your DH's salary mean he would have to repay in full any amount you receive as CB as part of his tax return.

I'm now feeling like a fool - I haven't ever visited where he lives or works or met who he lives with whilst there, neither have the kids.

Sorry I've gone quiet, it's a lot to take in

Can't you just tell him you find it demeaning to have to ask him for extra money every time you need to buy new school uniforms, have your hair done, etc? What an awful position to be in.

Wouldn't it make a difference , if he knew how you felt? Would he be receptive to change? If not, then you need to consider your position carefully, because I don't think it's where you want to be in your relationship with this man.

If he's really that lovely, then he surely wouldn't want you to be unhappy over your lack of financial independence, when there are clearly no money worries. Even if he's paranoid about being 'poor' again, that's no reason not to have a joint bank account and an equal partnership.

You should be able to trust your husband that all is as he says it is

But I hope your thread has made you come to a realisation that it may have been displaced

So, what now ?

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I feel like a cow. I was hoping you'd come back and say "of course I've met him/been there"

My personal tack would be to sit quiet for now, but do a lot of digging. Find out financial details, try to get copies of whatever you can. The mans a dick and you're better off rid.

Visit the flat he shares. Don't tell him you are planning to, just arrive one day as a "nice surprise" for him.

What you find there and his reaction to your presence will probably tell you whether or not there is cause for concern.

I'd put money on there being another woman involved.

He's removed you from the joint bank account
He lives away from home
He has an actual flat away from home
He has a housemate , allegedly another man that you've never met
You don't know how much he earns or where the money goes

It looks like more than financial and emotional abuse.

Op i have a friend whos DH is self employed earning around 120k ish per year. He does all the house hold bills. She has access to all accounts but pays for the kids bits and bobs and food/clothes she is a SAHM. Her DH transfers circa 2k per month into her personal account. Just saying this to give you some perspective.

Is there someone who could mind the Dcs at yours overnight and you pop over to the flat as a surprise?
I would also start photocopying any financial transactions/saving accout/pension info you can possibly get your hands on PRIOR to confronting him and askig to be reinstated on the joint account. He is putting money somewhere!!

Child benefit - is her DH problem - if he earns more than 50k he needs to declare. He is self employed so must complete a tax return, he needs to tick the relevant box, nothing for op to worry about. The tax office will chase her husband not her.

It's worth claiming cb and higher earner paying back - if you got made redundant part way through a year you will only receive from the date you reclaim going forward. ( ie you earn 60k a year, get made redundant in November - so will earn under 50k - if you then claim you can only claim Nov to April. However if you had always claimed and repay each year then you would get to keep the entire years child benefit). Shove in premium bonds - you never know and it's cost you nothing.

What are you going to do, OP?

Op - keep your cards close - don't act suspiciously but do some digging - especially regarding assets - keep copies of documents away from the home.

You are not a fool, you trusted him. It's easier to see things from the outside.

If your DH is employed through his 'own' company and works as a contractor then his 'earnings' are likely to be (on paper) small - but he will pay himself a dividend (after paying corporation tax) - so you can still get child benefit. The large sum in the account could be ready to pay his tax bill. But you should know all this! I'm in the same - working - position as your DH but my DH knows what I earn and vice versa. My DH does our accounts (because I want him to) - but all money decisions are joint (well apart from when I bought our house). Are you really happy with your situation? If yes why did you ask the question? What do you want?

I wouldn't know where to find the flat - I only know altho general area that it is in

Child benefit claims are based on your total income, salary, dividends, income from property etc on your tax return. Paying yourself a low salary and topping it up with dividends affects your total tax liability, but has no impact on your income for child benefit claims Insabbath.

Is he normally at your house just twice a week?

His time at home is very irregular

Day here and there - sometimes home for two or three

Ask him for the address. You could need it in an emergency of some sort, and schools etc. usually ask for a secondary emergency contact.

If he has nothing to hide then why would he not give it to you?

If he tries to tell you that you don't need it then that would set alarm bells ringing for me.

I feel that I should point out to you and you should do the same with him that you would be in a dreadful position if for some reason your OH did not come home. My OH was not brilliant with money and would spend regardless of what bills we had coming in, just forgetfulness and total apathy when it came to money. I therefore took over managing all the bills and paid the same amount of personal money into both his and my account from our salaries after bills were all paid. I never took him off the joint account though so we could always access it in an emergency. Going overseas and leaving with you with just £30 is controlling and financially abusive and I would not stand for it. Tell him you want to go back on the account and see what his reaction is and see if you still think he is a loving and supportive husband then. Being careful is one thing and if you have been bad with money in the past you may have to prove you can act responsibly with it but he is treating you like a child.

Alternatively look into returning to full time work and earn your own money.

With his income at that level how are you still receiving child benefit?