Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

That comes next, God this thread is so predictable

Sounds like he has another family.

Is this a joke?

So if he's not offshore then why can't he transfer some extra money in to your account?
Could you ask for more money to set up your own saving account.

PopsicleBopsicle exactly what I was thinking. Too much secrecy and time away.

Well done Betty at last someone else has cottoned on

If you have doubts about a thread, report it!

yep !

from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner,

Sad that you have let this man take you to the far side of fucking you over to bring you to the state of having 3 children with 300 quid a month.....

When these kinds of threads come up I wonder if I'm living in the 21st Century....

I REALLY hope you will wake up to the abusive situation you are in and as a LP I say "You can do it"!!

No you are not being unreasonable.

He has all the power and control here and I would call his behaviour financially abusive. Giving you an allowance in such a manner is also demeaning and leaves you basically powerless when it comes to money. You were also taken off the joint account deliberately in my view also.

This should be in Relationships rather than AIBU; its a relationship issue.
Would ask MN to move it there.

And no he is not a lovely dad if he is treating you and in turn these children like this. Women often write such self denying guff when they can actually write nothing positive about their man.

My dh is in a well paid job. He's very cautious with money. I have access to the joint account but any big decision like cars, house improvements etc are made by him. Which I don't really like. However I don't have to ask for money. I'd be concerned that he's taken off the joint account.

Heidi then report it and stop derailing the thread could you?

Aeroflotgirl

If you have doubts about a thread, report it!

I have.

I'm still allowed to comment. Thank you.

I have been in many financial tightspots in my life.

I would never ever agree to having my name removed from our joint household accounts though. That would have been agreeing to put myself into a position of weakness.

You were extremely silly to sign the forms for that unless there is some very good reason for it which you haven't mentioned yet?

As it stands, I would be telling DH that if you cannot have full and fair access then you will be seriously considering all of your options regarding the future of the relationship because it is demeaning for you.

There certainly would be no romantic meal from me. What a load of bollocks that advice was.

He's abusive. He gives you £300 from his wages plus pays the child benefit charge so an extra £200 ish per month. This is to feed 4 people plus him once a week, clothe 4 people, entertain 4 people, petrol etc. yes you get maintenance on top plus your wage.

Very typical that he 'treats' your son spending £200 on boots - often financial abusers withhold money for essentials yet treat their victims. Surely £40 on boots and an extra £160 as you see fit would be more beneficial.

It's the fact he has access to money when ever he wants and you (his second class citizen family) don't - this is not right.

My dh is a sahd - I would never treat him like this.

Good dad and husband - sorry he isn't - a good dad wouldn't do this.

Also the debt you were previously in was caused, at least in part, by him smoking pot - assuming he spent £30 a week on pot plus £5 on tobacco etc this is £35 x 52 weeks a year - that's approx £1800 just on weed. Yet he blames you...

Good stuff Heidi, I've reported you for troll-hunting.

Troll hunting is not allowed, no you are not allowed to troll hunt betty

report away I await my fate

lyinwitch I have just reported you for flaming me

I await your fate too

Heidi42
report away I await my fate

Ha!
Same.