Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

He has amassed the savings. As they are married obviously they are a shared asset

Nope. I mean yes, technically, you are correct. But the account is in his name. He decides to leave. Makes sure he takes all evidence of his personal accounts with him. Courts can only deal with what they can see. She can stand in front of a judge and swear blind he had a savings account. He says sorry, my wife spent everything - she is useless with money which is why I'm leaving. Judge can't do anything even if he/she believes there probably was an account. Happens all the time.

Joint account not much better, really. Leaving partner clears it out on his/her departure. Money is spent. Not much judge can do with money that no longer exists. Compensation in the form of larger portion of the house or pensions, but if these don't exist, nothin to be done.

This is why if you look in relationships, one of the first things people with experience will advise is to freeze joint accounts, get your own account, take the joint money and hold is safe, look for evidence of accounts, savings, other investments ASAP as you may need it.

Lot of projection going on here, we've gone from Am I being kept short, to he probably has another family and is an abuser. He may be neither we nor the OP know at this stage. The arrangements described wouldn't do for me (I'm the main earner and self employed) but that doesn't mean he's cheating or abusing, unless he refuses to address the OP's concerns about financial independence and full disclosure if put to him. I have worked away on contracts where my husband hadn't known my address, he has my mobile no, and I generally phone him when the opportunity arises, my bank statements largely go to my accountant. I have had discussions with guys I've been on contract with and suggested that their wives should have full and free access to the accounts when they give them an allowance- most tell me that if they did that their wives would overspend or clear out the accounts in no time, and are terrified of the financial implications of being out of contract for a time and so like to carry a 6 month to a year surplus "which she'd pressure us to spend if she had sight of it". I myself have been out of contract for a year in the past and it does get financially worrying, so I have built up a years cushion now - but mine is in the company account not the joint account - so you may need to consider he doesn't draw all his money as wages but let's it accumulate in his company, if so getting access to the joint account won't help with much in way of assessing the situation. As I say this wouldn't do for me - but it's quite a common culture in working away contractors, most of the Guys I work with pay "housekeeping" and do not share accounts, in order to ensure they have money on tap for their weekday lives and bills and the wife doesn't leave them or their cushion short. It could also be "sinister" - we and the OP don't know. I think plan for the worst - gather what detail you can, hope for the best - ask him... Assess on what you find/ get as answers.

I'm going to take yet another approach to the "£700, what are you complaining about?" replies.

Vino doesn't have what anyone would recognise as a normal marriage. Her husband lives elsewhere, leaving her in charge of the kids & house; he pops back once a week for some admiration and sex - maybe brings his laundry and picks up fresh stuff, we don't know.

Anyway, the upshot is that she lives like a nanny-housekeeper to an absent employer, whom she shags once a week.

I've just checked rates of pay: "Nanny-housekeepers expect to be paid around £400-500 for live-in positions. Nanny–Housekeepers work around 10 hours a day, Monday to Friday."

Remember, nanny-housekeepers keep their pay. They don't have to buy food, clothes, toys etc for the children or pay their transport costs.

Nanny-housekeepers get the weekend off.

Nanny-housekeepers aren't required to have sex with their employers before the employer pays for a child-related expense.

It's immaterial whether her employer phones every day with friendly words or smiles a lot at the kids. If she doesn't like her employer, she can get a better one: good nanny-housekeepers are in short supply.

Vino, by contrast, is tied to her employer. She can't renegotiate her terms & conditions; he refuses. She isn't in an equal partnership and has none of the benefits of a good husband/father who enjoys her company, cares about her needs and shares the work.

Either way you cut it, she's got a bum deal.

most tell me their wives would overspend or clear out the accounts in no time

Are you kidding? Either they are all married to empty-headed gold-diggers of low intelligence (why?) or they're infantilising their wives. The vast majority of women are more than capable of understanding a budget and working as a team for the family.

It sounds like you work with a bunch of macho control freaks.

Garlic - possibly they are. I know their wives ring 4 and 5 times a day sometimes asking for more money to be transferred. If it's for shopping or something in particular they transfer it, usually they tell me it's because she's going out with her Sister or Mother shopping or to the local farm with the kids mates - well she can FO for that I've already increased her allowance she must live within our means. At which point I no longer argued that everyone should have joint access to everything as my DH and I do, different lives and ways and none of my business frankly. I do know that one of them is a terrible spender and is always bleating for more - not just an extra £10 or £50 but wanting to buy expensive outfits almost daily. Her husband despairs - he like me works 12 - 18 hours a day - yes he earns about £600 a day but that could all stop tomorrow, and all she's concerned about is it's very lonely with him away and she needs the cash to go out and preserve her sanity. Yes it is lonely at both ends of the deal but that's what you jointly agree you will cope with when you go contracting- if you can't you need to talk change of jobs and take the income cut.

Urgh I'm sorry he's doing that to you.

Have you tried sitting him down and having a really honest talk about it? Sorry if that's a ridiculously obvious thing to suggest.

I would be seriously questioning where that money is going.

Putting aside all the other issues (although I do agree this is very weird, particularly that you don't know where he lives), the key thing here is even if you agree that £700 is the right amount for day to day spending, that means you are putting in almost 100% of what you earn (minus a few things for yourself) towards family expenses while he's putting in a lot less. Obviously, he's paying more than the £300 if he's paying mortgage and insurances and all the rest, but except for mortgages, the day to day grocery, petrol, cleaning, school expenses are probably the single biggest part of a budget and you're paying more than half of that. Crazy.

I do think you need to talk to him. I will leave the advice on how to do that to people more qualified. But without a doubt, this is not right in any way. All families handle finances differently, but the disparity and unfairness here is crystal clear.

They sound like a bunch of charmers, Loz. Mind you, at this stage of my life an absent 'husband' who pays sufficient expenses into my account would suit me perfectly! I shouldn't have dumped that alcoholic oil prospector all those years ago

Nope - you should have hung on in there

Vinocola, you are in a very tight spot alright. Where you have to ask/beg or go through emotional stress to ask for access to money for the kids' uniforms, school stuff etc. And probably spend a fair bit of time wondering how to ask him for the money.
Sit him down and tell him how it makes you feel. Like you are asking your Dad for a fiver to go to the school disco. And that it makes you feel like your relationship is not equal.
It sounds like he doesn't want you to have visibility on his Bank Account. Can he not give you online Access to his accounts, whether or not you agree not to withdraw money without both of you agreeing fair enough. I do not know what issues you have had in the past with overspending, but cutting you out of the family finances is not the answer.
It doesn't contribute to a healthy equal relationship.

Lozz

Dh is a contractor and works away. all his colleagues are contractors and work away too. I would be totally shocked if these men or my dh was discussing our financial affairs with other colleagues. £600 a day is a fair rate not excessive though.

Yes there are people who are not the best with money or are spendthrifts of either sex but your work colleagues sound controlling macho fuck wits.

I'd just like to throw in the thought that, to me, financial management comprises two things; financial decision-making and financial administration.

When OP's DH took over administration of the joint account, on the grounds he could do it more reliably, that should have been all he took over. Decisions about which power supplier, what date payments go out, yes. Budgetary decisions about allocations to each category, major purchases or investments, no.

Seems to me he hoodwinked her into allowing him to take over high-level financial decision-making, in the guise of unspecified 'financial management', when, as far as she was concerned, the discussion was about administration.

Yorker - that's a fair description of some of them - particularly the younger or newly married ones (not that I wish to be ageist) Some have the share and share alike attitude my DH and I do, but in all honesty whilst they don't "discuss" per say their financial arrangements you hear it all, and the wives phone calls and having been asked to give a woman's perspective on being given an allowance when their wives rightly object I was verbally beaten up on it, so I now mind my own business - it's between them and their OH, I'm not their marriage guidance councillors. What I can say though is as macho and thoughtless as some of them can be, they are not upto anything in terms of affairs etc. So I'm keen that we don't all jump to "sinister" conclusions, it could be - but from my experience working away with contractors many of them are just dicks - not all. But if that's the case here I'd be loathed for the OP to start leaving or visiting divorce solicitors on the strength of our reactions. I was given similar advice on MN some years ago, for something that turned out to be totally innocent, it could well have ended my wonderful marriage, due to people projecting their experiences onto an unknown situation. im sure your OH isn't one of those who goes too much into his private life when living away with the "boys", I know I don't but then I'm the only woman so I don't tend to live with them - you hear a lot on a long night shift though - enough to know many of them are macho dicks and you bite your tongue. The OP's DH could be on a lot more than £600 - that's the average rate for most of the guys I work with - yes we compare rates - I get more but don't tell them ( who says women earn less?), I consider it compensation for working with some of these clowns.

Sorry Yorkie -name misspelt using my phone .

Infidelity isn't the only reason to end a marriage, Lozz. Quite often it's not even a good reason. Being kept in the dark and unnecessarily short of money indicates two very good reasons, however. Poor vino's neither married nor single in effect, and hasn't enough spare cash for ordinary expenses.

His wide-open potential for cheating is pretty much a side issue, considering the context.

What reasons would you suggest for a man not telling his wife anything about his life, not even his full-time address?

" who says women earn less?"

Population level statistics.

Just sayin'

OP, I have nothing practical to add but this must feel like the sands of your life are shifting under your feet, so I just want to send you .

Vino - hope you are OK and still reading.

I earn more than lots of men but it doesn't disprove the fact that, in general, women earn less than men

Your post was one humungous not-so-stealth boast, Lozza

Get you with your proximity to "contractors" and all their manly foibles, eh. You don't like women much either, it would appear.

I earn lots more than men. Women under 30 earn more than wmen in the UK by the way particularly now that 70% or 60% of graduates are female.

Is that at all helpful to the op ?

Shamelessly place marking

I'm really struggling and overwhelmed with all the replies.

Some of them are offensive but I don't have the energy to tackle them.

I feel very down and anxious since I started this thread and will see him later for first time since.

Thank you to all of the supportive posters X

Good luck Vincola

For what its worth, I do think there has been quite a bit of speculation & projection on this thread, no harm in you being aware & protecting yourself though, yes he clearly has opportunity, but theres nothing you said here that really suggests an affair or second family. You definitely need to tackle the finances though, its very unfair. I wish you the very best of luck for that & keeping everything crossed for you that it all goes well

I've lurked and not read the whole thread (sorry). But please don't tackle this with him today.

You need to keep your cards close to your chest, be in a strong frame of mind and have had the chance to do some digging. (Get copies of any/all documents relating to money etc put away for safekeeping).

there are lots of people rooting for you, honestly.