Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

I'd say it depends on what the allowance is supposed to cover, and how "badly" the OP managed the finances in the past.

Clearly the OP's husband hasn't always been in control of the purse strings so I'd hesitate to call him abusive without possession of all the facts.

Perhaps the OP could ask for an increase in her allowance?

"I'd say it depends on what the allowance is supposed to cover"

I'd say it absolutely does not depend on what it is supposed to cover. It's not about the amounts. It's about the control. The word "allowance" says it all doesn't it. This is the money he allows her to have. T

God I am despairing at some of the thinking on this thread

" I find it hard to feel sorry for her because she's got it pretty easy compared to the vast majority of British women."

Bloody hell fire! Is that the same argument as "what have you got to be depressed about?"?

This thread, seriously some replies take the piss.

This is financial abuse, seriously 700 for food, petrol, bus fares for kids, school meals for kids, entertainment, clothing for 4 people etc, work it out people, most months thats not going to cover it and she mentioned bigger children hence this alone means they probably eat loads.

Loads of women have given examples of their situations of financial abuse but then you get some fool saying wish i had £700 pm but thats not the point.

Her husbands control and disney dad behaviour, taking her off the joint account and getting her to agree to it, having control of the larger income when previously she put him through 5 years of study and a massive weed habit. This is financial abuse.

I live it and recognise it (took me away op too, its hard) but now the op needs to do what im doing, scrimping and saving and planning an escape plan.

Those saying ltb now, no dont do that, find out as much info first, find out the truth, get photocopies of any account info in the house, plan a future for yourself and dc, but dont go to a solicitor and give him notice to hide assets etc, like others have said its notoriously hard getting maintenance and settlements sorted with the self employed as its too easy for them to hide assets and money.

Sorry op you really have a lot to think about but there is lots of good advice in this thread but please ignore the apologists and those who own low economic situation cant allow them to see financial abuse as its further up the socio economic scale than them.

Good luck.

3cpu seriously, when there was no money ofcourse he didnt control it, he had wifey running around scrimping and worrying to pay all the bills and buy his weed.

Now there is money and alot of it, he has deened it worthy of his time, attention and control. Its a symbol of his power over her.

He is demeaning her by giving her far less than is needed or that the situation can provide, to make her have to ask please sir can i have some more each and every time.

This and his secrecy is a massive issue.

Op, bring home more forms to create a new joint account - how would this go down?
You are not greedy for wanting equality. And it is not just about the here and now and getting your hair fixed but the future, your pension, savings whatever plans you have. Is he still going to be giving you pocket money when you're middle aged and the kids have left home?

You need to have all documents have both your names on, especially bank statements for the account that has his wages go in so you can see, and have access should you need it.

user that is the biggest pile of shit I have read on here recently

And that is saying something

user, what the hell? Do you seriously believe that is good advice??

Are you married to him?
Do you know his family?

You need to know where he lives and the fact you don't really worries me. If he doesn't give you the address you have a problem.

The next thing you need to do is insist that you are on the bank account and savings account. If he refuses you have a problem.

Tell him if something happens in an emergency to him or you need full contact details & access to money. tell him it has been worrying you.

I am not sure where this is leading but you have to protect you and the children.
You have the bank details (as you were once on the account) you may need to go and see a solicitor.
Good luck.

User, what a waste of your time, to type that pile of crap.

In some ways a joint account can be worse, as the financially abusive one can keep track of what is being spent more easily.

An allowance that isn't questioned can in some respects give a certain level of independence.

In any case, it's clear the OP isn't exactly happy with the arrangement as it stands so I'd be talking to the OH and addressing the problems. If he doesn't do anything to tackle the issues, then big fat RED FLAG and a yes to financial abuse...

User, this is someone's life, not television and not the legitimate target for your ill-informed, weak, amateur psychology.

She doesn't deserve to be controlled. No-one deserves to be controlled.

To advise someone who is the subject of abuse to consider all of the ways they may have deserved it is repulsive. That sort of mindset enables abuse.

I never comment on these threads although I lurk supportively and silently cheer from the sidelines as people like Mo,Karen and overthehill - and, sadly, many, many more - battle to break free of the utter twats trying to rule their lives.

I've broken cover to say that I too am completely appalled at some of the replies on this thread. OP, please get it moved to Relationships asap. You'll find much more support and sense over there.

And yes, what is happening to you is in no way right or acceptable.

Wow User wow and not in a good way wow

Vino I think the issue is he doesn't value you as the other adult in the family unit, the rugby boots example isn't just a money thing, it undermines you as a parent that you, as primary carer in a joint household cannot make those choices for your child but he can. That perception goes beyond a pair of boots, it shapes how your children see you, and they need to see you as strong caring and empowered.

I bet the more you look at things away from money the more you will see examples of where he erodes you as a parent, and he erodes your rights and freedoms in the relationship as a person.

It may be worth googling something like the Freedom program to see if it resonates with you.
You know it isn't quite right or you wouldn't have posted I suspect, and if it doesn't feel quite right it probably isn't
Good Luck

Op admitted to possibly not being great with money in the past

She has £700 per month, For sundries. With access to more.

Husband has managed financials to the extent that he has substantial savings.

There's nothing wrong with having separate finances if you both work. If I were you I'd be looking at getting a job so you have financial freedom. It sounds horribly controlling and suspect that tgere is something behind being removed from joint account. Does he not want you to see what he is spending the money on?

The OP has £300 transferred by her DP. With her own income and other monies she has a total of £700 for all personal expenses, food for the family and everything the children need both essentials and treats. This from a man with an annual income of £100k plus. If OP wants more, she has to ask. No joint account.

OP we don't have a joint account. When I was a SAHM I bought what we needed (not the last of the big spenders): food, clothes, petrol, days out, haircuts, school trips, etc. I used to put the receipts in a box and DH used to write me a cheque at the end of the month. He never, ever questioned my spending. If there was a big spend, ie, when ds had terrible ear troubles and I wanted a second opinion privately, we talked it over. Going back 20 years I usually spent about £600 a month pcm and I'm not overly extravagant. When I went back to work 13 years ago I asked DH to transfer £500pcm to my account instead. As my earnings have increased I have started to pick up the bills for my car and I pay for the children's phones and gym subscriptions. DH now transfers £750 pcm to me but one of the DC is only at home for about 20 weeks now.

Dh pays for everything else. I have no idea what's in his bank account and he has no idea about mine. I have never felt abused and have never had to justify discretionary spending on things like the hairdresser.

Husband has managed financials to the extent that he has substantial savings.

HE has substantial savings. Not they, HE. That's not on in any marriage. In the eyes of the law it is both theirs and so they should have equal access.

Oh I don't know demented mine has it salted away but I've never felt abused. He's,also self employed but that's exactly why our home I in my name and has been for a very long time. We both have bought biggish things without consulting but never to the detriment of anyone else.

Dadstheworld, the op did not admit to being bad with money but that they had both struggled on a much much lower amount and both had got into debt when she was the one juggling the bills and working while he studied and spents lots on weed.

Her husband said she was bad with money and this does not make this the truth.

Op admitted to possibly not being great with money in the past

I probably could be accused of not being great with money when we had less and I was running it, but we both were (and he had a rarely hefty cannabis addiction that cost £££)

Yeah - due to his addiction! Fuck me there are some dickheads around here.

User, did you bother to read any of the thread before you copied that that load of stuff from a text book? She doesn't even know where he actually lives most of the time, let alone control his life!

Demented Unicorn - Sorry was a typo

He has amassed the savings. As they are married obviously they are a shared asset.

Doreen, That's one thing we can agree on.

Rose my DW has all our paltry savings in her name and I don't feel abused either because a) I know her passwords so could access it if I wanted to and b) nothing is spent from it without it being discussed and an entirely joint decision. I think I would feel totally powerless otherwise.