Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

OP signed the paperwork Granddaddy

17 pages can be a lot to do anything other than skim read, but OP has said that she signed the forms and regrets it now..

him bringing home papers and having you removed from the joint account was a big alarm bell. He could have managed the account without taking you off it - using your joint past weed habit was just a pathetic excuse and designed to make you feel guilty and doubt yourself.

He's already living a separate life - whether it's with someone else or not. Either way it doesn't sound like he's actually in this, like he's doing the 'marriage' bit but not the 'relationship'.

You may have been childhood sweethearts but people change. you're both living two totally different lifestyles separately. could it be that you've grown apart but have been too 'comfortable' for change? Maybe this fuckwittery is his way of getting 'out'. Her gets to live his own life and only has to use a day here and there to show his face and keep up the pretense of 'happy families' until he's figured out a way to protect his money (his view).

Maybe i'm just being cynical and overthinking.

i don't understand how you know so little of his life away. have you never asked him where he lived? does he ever skype the dc from his flat?

i hope for you that it's something that can be resolved with honest and open communication.

whatever the truth is behind all this, one thing stands out to me - you're not just a 'mum' and 'housewife'. there's more to you so where are you? what's your identity? What are your interests? what makes you feel fulfilled, excited about where you're going in life?

YANBU. Who the hell does this to the partner?

Be gentle to yourself, vino.
Would you consider ringing Women's Aid tomorrow?

£300 a month and leaving you with £30 is bloody disgraceful, you need to have it out with him

Op I can only imagine how shocked you must be reading this

Have you been able to think what you're going to do?

My ex did exactly the same and yes, it is financial abuse. Don't put up with it.

As per my pp I agree 100% that this is financial abuse. I could not agree more.

Otoh in spite of earning a decent income as the sole provider for my DCs (both of school age) and working all the hours, I am also not in a position to afford having my hair done this month, let alone my eye brows. But I don't care, my independence is more important.

I'm so sorry OP, I know this can't be easy. You don't have to rush into anything. Take some time, give yourself some space. Do you have a friend you can talk to?

You don't have to decide anything right now. Take care of yourself.

If you've been together 14 years and since you were young how old are your two children who you receive maintenance for? Do you use that money for them or is it needed to supplement you all because your dh doesn't give enough?

Don't just leave, which will leave you worse off financially possibly. Insist on being reinstated onto your joint account and that all major decisions are to be taken jointly from now, as you are not happy with the way things are done in your partnership and don't agree with decisions he takes unilaterally for all of you. See what he says. If he refuses, I'd see if you can find and take copies of the bank statements etc and find out what's going on, and see either Relate if he agrees or a solicitor if not.

If he is renting a flat or has bought, would he have have left any paperwork in the house? OP has realised she doesn't know it's address so that may be a starting point.

What are you going to do, op ? You need to take action.

It's best to find out as much as possible re finances before mentioning going back onto the joint account as IF he is hiding money/other family/affair he will cover his tracks so do as much research as you can BEFORE you alert him.

I agree with AmI sounds as though your dh is a contractor and you need to see what you can find out before alerting him, the bottom line is bat removing you from the joint account wasn't a decent act and nothing's been right since then. If he's really just saving for a rainy day, why isn't he open about that and cutting his spending to match?

"Don't just leave, which will leave you worse off financially possibly. Insist on being reinstated onto your joint account and that all major decisions are to be taken jointly from now, as you are not happy with the way things are done in your partnership and don't agree with decisions he takes unilaterally for all of you. See what he says. If he refuses, I'd see if you can find and take copies of the bank statements etc and find out what's going on, and see either Relate if he agrees or a solicitor if not."

This is terrible advice.

1. Women with financially abusive husbands will almost always be better off if they leave, provided they get a solicitor to ensure a fair divorce settlement.
2. You don't understand anything about abuse if you think she can just "insist" on equal access - if she felt she could do that, don't you think she would have done?!
3. Relate is not recommended for abusive relationships. Abusers don't accept they are in the wrong and don't compromise. They use joint counselling as another opportunity to blame and attack their partner. They are skilled at manipulating the counsellor which means they are often able to "gang up" on their victim.

OP, I hope you're taking care of yourself and I hope you'll call Women's Aid as PPs have suggested. The number is 0808 2000 247 (it's open 24 hours).

Just for perspective, your £700 a month is very similar to the amount we budget and I spend for: groceries, one dd's clothes and activities plus my personal spending (all clothes, hair, activities, social life). That doesn't include any fuel (car budgeted for separately) but does include bus fares. DP earns about £40k per annum and I'm a SAHM.

So, given your DH earns considerably more, there are big questions to be answered here, which include:

1. What is the rest of the money being allocated to?

2. Why does he want you and the DCs to live as if on a much lower household income?

3. Why do you not have an agreed family budget?

4. Why was your money, in the early days, shared but his earnings now are his?

Your earnings were lower but proportionately to household income, higher, so you generosity / commitment to partnership greater than that you should now be asking of him - to share decision-making on all budgets and spending.

He could be spending on something else, or making a unilateral decision to save, massively. Whatever, he used you as a springboard to his present wealthy selfishness.

Btw how are your pension contributions looking? Plenty going into a private pension in your name? Heading for a comfortable old age?

@Vinocola sorry to see you're feeling all at sea. I can understand that seeing as a lot of things have been pointed out. The trouble is that none of us really know what is going on in his head...and what's really going on. If you can find post or do some of your own subtle digging I think it might help. Or, perhaps you could google school holiday attractions in said city where husband lives and suggest meeting him there, saying the summer is nearly over and the children would like to see more of him, that you've realised that life itself is short and you all want to be more involved in his life. There may be a simple explanation, but he has been keeping you out of financial affairs and daily decisions he makes, see if he will let you into his confidances. Have you got any one to look after the children? Have you thought about driving to that city and asking about after him, doing your own detective work? He owes you far more than what you're currently getting - and I mean emotionally! Financially too, but that's another kettle of fish!!

If you did decide to split from him, the CSA would have a field day with him if he's earning well? Is he hiding ALL of his financial records/ band statements. Is his post even coming to your home?

Have you tried googing his name and the city he's living in? Probably wouldn't find anything, but you never know. There's a lot you don't know, and you need to know who youre married to.

I couldn't put up with this. Our money was in a joint account, 'what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine' was our attitude. DH always earned more but we both had our wages go into a joint account. Our relationship was stable with no financial secrets.

IIWU I'd look very seriously into getting work that was interesting and very well paid if at all possible. I'd keep that money to myself in a separate account to which he had no access. In fact I'd use it as a 'leaving fund' if that doesn't sound too cynical. I realise that having children muddies the waters when it comes to actually leaving. Good luck.

Have been waiting to see that vino is still here.
I've been in a similar situation. I'm NOT on my husbands accounts, but he did attempt it when eldest DC was born but as current account was linked to mtge, bank said they'd charge him £1000 just to add me on so we left it, (don't worry, we've since moved and I'm on the mtge for this house)

He spent 8 years of our marriage being a part time parent and husband. It was really hard. After 6 years we really struggled as a couple, I was depressed at being the one who held the children together. 2 of which have disabilities!

He was paying me an allowance of 200pcm and I (still) work part time. He no longer gives me any money regularly (might randomly give me a couple of hundred - he did this week when he heard me telling DC1 to look after glasses! Mine are scratched but I can't afford to fix them right now) I pay for kids clubs and various stuff they need for school etc. He earns 15x what I do! Which means I also do not get to claim CB.

In the last 2 years of his living and working away, he did have an affair :( but I hope I give you hope, in that for the first 6 years he didn't!

If I say 'DC1 needs school shoes' he will happily go take him to get good quality ones, but I hate asking. So I try not to :(

Good Luck vino.

You don't know where your husband lives? How do you get into a situation where you don't know where your husband lives? What if something happens to you and your husband needs to be found to take care of the kids?

I'm not entirely sure what you get out of this relationship if he's only with you a few days a month, leaves you with all childcare so you can only work part time and you only have enough to make ends meet, not save any for a security blanket.

flowergrrl Why on earth are you still with him? He is financially abusive and he had an affair. Is your self esteem very low? Do you think you couldn't cope without him?

Where's Xenia when you need here ?

Her input is desperately required on this thread.

The OP leads a classic, 1950s-style, middle class, SAHM lifestyle. She doesn't have to worry about paying for the roof over her head, nor the costs of powering and heating that shelter. After all, that's a man's job. She nets almost £200pw to spent on her housewife duties. If she wants more money, all she has to do is ask.

The OPs kids are at school, so her day-to-day child-care responsibilities would be fairly minimal. I find it hard to feel sorry for her because she's got it pretty easy compared to the vast majority of British women. I'm not sure the stock-standard "LTB" advice suits her situation, either. Like most government departments, the CSA is badly-understaffed and, as a result, they tend to go after PAYE employees first and routinely put the self-employed in the too-hard basket.

Youc an be certanily she'd be much worse off financially (unless she got at job) if she divorced him. The self employed basically have a licence to pay zero under current child support rules.