Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

Mean put a stop to this.

The flat may be nothing suspicious - in the sort of IT I do having a flat and being away most of the week on projects that run 1-3 years is pretty standard but it's odd op doesn't know more about it, it's definitely abusive, I hope Op is digging around and going to make changes.

Nothing should be kept secretive OP.

I'm Thinking he's trained you well into thinking that it's 'you being spoilt'. I'd start rooting a bit further into your finances tbh, especially given his salary.

Him being a regular cannabis user for example - that kind of thing often doesn't go away. I'm wondering what's he hiding from you....?

It's not about amounts of money in different situations. The dynamic of abuse is life sapping, that's all.

Perfectly put.

amispeakingenglish. Im from lower down the socio economic scale too and i would never post something as monumentally stupid as you have done!

Can't understand a relationship where finances are not shared in joint account - and would be certainly suspicious of this sudden change. Is he likely to be entertaining another woman in his long stints from home? ( hence why you gave no access to the record of outgoing so?)

Insist on equal access.

My other half pays all bills (as in electricity, phone, heating oil etc) he only puts £200 a month in a joint account. I put in £300 plus we get the standard child allowance for 3 children. I have to make that cover food, clothes, after school clubs etc. It is a struggle, I wouldn't ask for more though. Although he doesn't earn any where near what OP's husband earns. I manage but just.

I call this the mushroom treatment.
They keep you in the dark and feed you shit.

OP, I sincerely hope you are ok and dealing with this.

Get a job so you can be financially independent. He is being highly controlling and financially abusive.

Women know your place! Back under the stairs woman. On a serious note your husband is an abusive knob who may well be cheating, addicted to gambling or planning to leave. Sorry but I just can't believe you are living like this what an arsehole. Get out now.

So, no sign of OP... Lots of people care, hope youre ok Vinocola!

OP I have read thru most of the comments (but all of yours) gradually over the day, it shocked me the emotions it awoke in me.

The father of my children was emotionally abusive, I knew this, but today reading this I realised he'd been financially abusive at times. I was the higher earner & managed our finances as he was useless with money (history of debts due to living beyond his means etc) but he ALWAYS had access to his banking. His log on details were by the pc so he could log on at any time.

I had years of white lies & stories that didn't add up, like what he was up to or where he was going, I was naive & believed he loved me as I loved him so it never truly occurred to me that he could be deceiving me in the worst ways possible. There was so much evidence looking back, but after years of that treatment my perspective was so distorted by the mind games & manipulation I was blind to it. It took me finding hard evidence (by chance) to undeniably see the real situation.

He deliberately looked for other women online & met up with them. He'd orchestrate arguments the nights he'd meet them to have an excuse to go out or other times to sleep downstairs so he could message & call them. At the end he took money from our DDs bank account for a deposit on a new rented home, worse still I technically gave it to him because he told me he needed it to go away for a bit to get his head straight from all the arguments we'd been having (!) And I was trapped & vulnerable as he'd alienated all our / my close friends over the yrs, we lived in a different town to family plus with DD1 a toddler & DD2 due weeks later I was alone & had no one looking out for me.

The secrecy & lies these types of people have to keep you where they want you for as long as they want to, it's not something 'normal' people would expect unless you've had experience before. If the worst case is reality and you find your DH / DP has been stringing you along, please know it isn't your fault to not have known. But you do need to know. My ex was meeting up with & intimate with women plus there was contact with men although I don't know how intimate that got. He put my health at risk. He gave me an STI while pregnant with DD2 which bypassed the standard tests they do early stage (very unlucky) & I only learnt of it while getting screened 5 yrs later at a smear test. I could now be infertile thanks to that. Being positive for me I'm past my youth so have consoled myself that I am unlikely to have anymore kids anyway especially since I have been celebate for 6 yrs since we split (hence knowing the sti was without doubt from him).

Please think of you and your children right now. If this is all innocent then he has treated you very poorly and unfairly, he's promoting himself like Disney Dad sweeping in periodically splashing cash with none of the hands-on reality of being a father. If he is lying to you & your children however, as his secretive and very unusual set up suggests, you need to know. I agree with PP's don't let him know you suspect until you've done as much research as possible. Get his address 'for school records' as 2nd contact. Does he have family who'd know anything? Could you leave your children with GP's and tell him you're going to visit for some 'alone' time where he is? Get checked at a GUM clinic regardless, they should have a drop in. I am so sorry for your situation but so glad you posted if this saves you from an awful situation.

XH was like this. I was still on the joint account but never needed it - he'd pay all the bills and move 'X' amount into my own bank every month, for food and children's stuff. It blew up one day when I asked him for a fiver for some Tampax. He went crazy. Seriously.

Fast forward, I left him and started divorce proceedings. All his money was hidden. Accounts I knew nothing of while together and 'still didn't' he told me 'his team' would destroy my solicitor. They didn't, one ancient old bloke who knew nothing. He also worked away and flat shared with another guy, I know he wasn't cheating as he was so driven by work and money, it would have been so much easier for me if he had been cheating.

A blow job for some hair dye, a ball tickle for some Tampax. This ISN'T normal.

CharlieSierra:
When he took the new high paid job didn't you discuss the pros and cons in terms of living away, where he would live, how much that would cost and the impact on the higher earnings...............you know, all of the stuff that married people talk about to help them make significant decisions which will affect the whole family?

I am getting an impression, and becoming a little suspicious that there are people posting on this thread who don't really understand what a relationship with an abuser is like and in particular how different life with an abuser is from the picture of married people talking together and making decisions together as equals.

It is clear that there are people who don't understand how difficult it is to clap with one hand.

Obviously there is probably a lot more to the story but since he has taken you off the account you don't know what he is actually spending on and he works away... have you considered if there might be someone else in the picture?

'Perversely life is pretty good.....I live in a lovely house...' Make up your mind what's important to you OP then suck it up and move on whichever way meets your needs best. Sometimes a girl just can't have it all her own way. There's often a price to pay.

You need to get more access to the finances that are sitting in the bank account which should be joint. You are a stay at home mum and rearing your three children while he is away working earning a big salary. He is supposed to put the bread and butter on the table for you and your three children but to me he is calling the shots on minimum access to what goes on that table. He puts on a great show when he is at home as the big spender around the children while you are on survival mode with them the rest of the time . I remember an old ex who relied on me to pay the monthly bills and when we would go out socialising with our friends he was always up buying more rounds than enough so to impress them that he was a great generous lad but behind closed doors he was very selfish. Thats one of the reasons I broke up with him as I knew he would never be a good provider if we ever did commit and children came along. If I were in your position I would meet him away from the children and put the cards on the table and I would tell him you feel like your an au pair and deserve more than he is providing, and you are not going to put up with it long term.

I hate to say it OP but the first thought that popped in to my head after reading all your posts was "does he have another family/woman?". It sounds like he's keeping you in the dark about a lot of things. I just couldn't live like that. I couldn't even imagine not knowing what DH earned or where he's living etc. I think you need to find out what's going on. Good luck

Ehmmmm, you don't know where he lives?

I'm here and reading. I just don't know what to say. I feel pretty shell shocked and can't reconcile my husband as the man he seems to be being portrayed here, yet I can see when it's pulled apart that's how he seems.

I feel completely out at sea.

He may not be hiding anything but still the situation isn't ok as it is. If you're not happy with the way finances are handled then things need to change. Could it really be that he's so worried about getting in to financial difficulty? If so, that really needs to be addressed (counselling for him maybe?).
From what you've written it is coming across as if there's a lot more to it but that doesn't mean there definitely is. Only he knows what's really going on

OP

'he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account'

How did he manage to do that without your permission? It should be impossible to unilaterally remove one person from a joint account. Legally you are jointly and severally liable, put simply you both have equal ownership and access to the funds and such actions require joint consent

It's a bit of a moot point as he could have simply stopped using the joint account and open a new one.

Sorry if this has been mentioned, I have not read all 17 pages.

So you paid for everything while he studied. Now he is reaping reward of that and has cut you off the bank account? And you're looking after the children. He sounds wrong on every level. I'd be thinking of a solicitor.