Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

OP - get a job. Allocate his fair share of chores to him and work out a fair balance of who should pay what in relation to your and your DH's income. Don't give him access to your account.

Whatever has happened to Mumsnet? Some very odd posts here.

You owe him nothing. You have raised the children while he was working on his career. I think you need to regain your financial independence.

I was in this position and maybe this is why I am so mad on your behalf. I had no money to have my hair done while my Ex bought designer items for the DCs. £200 for rugby boots? And you cannot have your hair done?

Katherine, just how is OP lucky? She has no access to any income of her own. The money she is doled out is pretty much committed to providing the DC with food and clothing and holiday outings -- when she can afford them. She has no money she can call her own to even get her hair done.

You need to get a job pronto. You also need to start saving some money by saving some of the 300 quid he gives you. You need a secret account he knows nothing about. Just in case you want to leave.

OP, I hope you are OK, I know this is a lot to take in. The situation is wrong, though, and I suspect you knew that before you posted. Not having access to all the accounts, not being 'allowed' to make decisions, and not even knowing where DH's flat is are all quite worrying.
Do you have close girlfriends or family you can get support from?

Not married (his choice) but that suits me fine as I own the house (which he lives in rent free). Don't worry about me, in the event of a split I can easily earn a decent living. Just very frustrating right now as I'm used to my independence. My partner will give me whatever I ask for, it's the having to ask that grates on me.

Not just the OP but many of the responses on this thread make me think for the umpteenth time that what constitutes the basics of a normal relationship should be taught in school.

OP, you are in one strange situation.

The minute your husband (is he your husband?) began to earn money, he made sure that only he had control over that money.

Now, you have no idea what he earns, how he earns it, whether he is paying his taxes (maybe he isn't revealing that CB or paying it back which could leave OP in a hole down the road), whether the mortgage is up to date, what savings he really has etc. or where he lives most of the time. All of those are things you should know or easily be able to ascertain in a normal committed relationship, especially one where you have children together.

Do you know each others' families? Do you spend time with them?

Mummylove2monsters why on earth are you putting up with this?

Maybe his accountant (if he has one) has advised its best to keep receiving CB in case there are times his work dries up (OP mentioned this as possibility though it hasn't happened in last 2 or 3 years). This means it wouldn't need to be reapplied for and none would be lost.
Just so many men who abuse their families financially because they can and it gives them control. They rely on the affection their DWs have for them to make the arrangements and make it too difficult to change. OP you need access to the joint account plus a weekly sum to cover your own discretionary spends -- quite separate from the housekeeping money. At the very least the money from your part time job should be your own.

gingerfinn, having to ask for money as you describe completely changes the dynamics of a relationship and not for the better. Charge him rent. Or go back to work. But the resentment you feel and the inflated and toxic sense of power he feels over your financial situation are going to doom you eventually if you don't sort it out now. If you don't care if the relationship turns toxic or not, why not just get out now.

OP do please start a new thread when you learn about your DHs living away from home arrangements. Do hope for your sake it's all above board

Tell him you're getting a job. He can pay for childcare.

Leave him. He's a controlling ass*ole with zero gratitude for what you did while he needed you. You can do a lot better on your own, even if it means struggling a bit with finances again (though you should get a decent allowance for your kids) - at least you'll have your independence and self respect, which this man is going to erode in next to no time at this rate. He's not a "lovely husband" he's a dangerous control freak.

Very typical that he 'treats' your son spending £200 on boots - often financial abusers withhold money for essentials yet treat their victims.

Absolutely! ExArse is still treating the DCs but refuses to contribute to any essentials. Often to piss me off. I bought both DCs new trainers. Along came Ex and bought them some more trainers, whereas they now have trainers and need school shoes. He will never buy anything they need but spend hundreds on things they don't need.

Your DH is doing precisely this, OP. Don't be grateful for his 'treats'. He has to provide for his children and £300 per month is not anywhere near enough for what you have to fund from this amount.

I cannot believe anyone is saying 750 a month in total is OK to pay for all that when he earns 8-12k a month. How ridiculous. If he wants to give an allowance if you really aren't good with money then it needs be be a lot more. Say 1000, that's 100 pw on food 100 pw on entertainment, transport, dinner money, activities and a little left over for yourself to get a haircut or whatever and a bit spare to save up if you need to make a bigger purchase. I would also expect to have free reign to check the bank accounts to see where the money is going (importantly being saved) and what he is spending money on, it should all be transparent if that's how he wants it.

It's not about amounts of money in different situations. The dynamic of abuse is life sapping, that's all.

For those querying CB it is quite normal for one partner to receive the CB and the other repay it on tax return if they earn over 60k. It keeps a sahm's NI contributions up to date and means you get the money a year before you need to pay it back. If you opt out of CB and financial circumstances change it may not be easy in the future to opt back in so it seems a sensible route especially as it is paid direct to sahm.

The op hasn't returned ?

I think it's accepted he is being financially abusive.

What is just as concerning is that you have no idea where he lives 60/70% of the time and who with? Sorry, I can't get my head round this. I think posting in relationships is a great idea and you need to address this as soon as possible. Good luck.

Ah - the race to the bottom. At least he doesn't hit you or sexually abuse you, at least he doesn't bring other women home and expect you to do their laundry, at least he's not having sex with prostitutes in front of your children five times a week.

I mean, really, how much shit are women supposed to put up with'?

I am not totally surprised that many people do not recognise financial abuse even when presented with a clear case of same in the case of the OP. It is not readily talked about even now in wider society or indeed recognised by many people. It is truly that insidious in its onset.

Re this comment:-
"Very typical that he 'treats' your son spending £200 on boots - often financial abusers withhold money for essentials yet treat their victims".
Indeed, this is also one of their many tactics. All their actions are about power and control.

And for those who say get a job, many such men will actively take steps to sabotage the woman's attempts to get employment. Also the OP has three children and works as a dinner lady.

This is what Womens Aid and the TUC wrote about financial abuse after doing research:-

Financial abuse includes control over money, exploitation of the survivor’s assets and sabotage of survivor’s efforts to work, study or interact with others.
•Some survivors had no money or were given an allowance by the abusers
•Many had little or no access to money even in a joint account
•67% of survivors in paid work at the time of the abuse agreed that their partner had monitored their work activities
•Higher–income or ‘professional’ women can also experience financial abuse but may not be believed if people think domestic abuse is only linked to poverty
•Disabled women are particularly at risk of abuse from partners, other family members or carers because of their impairments and additional benefit entitlement that they may have
•Impacts of financial abuse included going without (71% of survey respondents went without essentials, 41% had to use the children’s birthday money or savings to buy essentials); 61% were in debt and 37% had a bad credit rating; 77% said their mental health had been affected
•In interviews and focus groups, emotional or financial abuse came before other types of abuse (survey responses were less conclusive); but this does suggest that if we could identify and support survivors encountering these types of abuse earlier we might be able to prevent abuse escalating
•Financial abuse is a barrier to leaving the abuser – some women had no money of their own. 52% of women survey respondents still living with their abuser said they could not afford to leave
•Financial abuse continues after separation, often concerning difficulties getting child maintenance arrangements in place; legal disputes including court summonses; and disentangling joint assets
•Of survey respondents, 36% had asked no-one for help with the financial abuse. 35% had told family and 26% told friends. 25% had asked a domestic violence service
•Some abusers take women’s wages or benefits or get their benefits put in the abuser’s name. Abusers got benefits meant for the family, children or survivor – including Child Benefit. There were particular problems for non-UK nationals claiming benefit
•The Government has said that, in cases of financial abuse, they can consider splitting Universal Credit between partners. But almost 85% of survey respondents agreed or strongly agreed with the statement that split payments would make the abuse worse when their partner found out.

The OP hasn't been back since about half way through. I hope you're ok and going to let us know what happens I'm guessing there is something more than meets the eye, something that he's hiding. To offer such a paltry amount that doesn't even cover what you need seems suspicious to me.

When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account

Tbh I didn't read much past this. Massive red flag.

Controlling. Is the £300 your personal spending money? That's great - but as you dont have equal say on family spending and it's not discos ed as a couple that part is financially controlling.

Haven't read all the thread but OP you need to put a sop to this and also get some financial independence which you are starting to do. He is trying to control you. This happened to someone I know, he took all the money out of the joint account and hid it from her, giving her a pittance every now and then, she still stayed with him. Do something now because I can assure you it will only get worse

He is home on Tuesday for a day then back
He isn't offshore having spells away then a spell at home he has a flat and works in another city and comes home on days off

Alarm bells ringing here!! Have you been to the 'flat' I think has another family sorry but this just has all the pointers! You need to investigate this further

For all the people saying, "It's actually 300 plus her earnings," remember that she has that job pretty much out of need. And 100% of that goes back into what she has to pay to take care of and feed herself and the children. Meanwhile, if he's making the low end of 2k a week, 3.75% of his income goes to it. If he's on the high end of 4k a week, that goes down to 1.9%, while she's still putting in 100%.

Even if she does the dinner lady work because she enjoys it, she should still not have to put 100% of it in while he puts in less than 4%.

What's going on is not right.