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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

631 replies

vinocola · 20/08/2016 18:28

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Alachia · 21/08/2016 15:14

It sounds really odd. When my DH worked away, he wrote down his address (knowing I would forget as soon as the front door closed) even if it was a short weeklong contract. On a longer contract, some weekends he'd come home, others I'd go to him. We don't have a joint account, but I have a card to use his, and I'm frightful with money (part of my Asperger's or whatever the really wordy new name for it is), and my PIP and CB are paid into mine. Bank statements for all accounts live on an untidy pile on his desk. Email accounts are left signed in, and only really hidden at Christmas time. What I am trying to get across is we are open with each other. Your DH and you need to have a serious chat so you can find out what is going on, and he needs to provide enough money for you and the DCs to manage nicely on, as he is able to.

Memoires · 21/08/2016 15:17

Are you actually married to him? How well do you know his family? Who do you spend Christmas with? Could you just pack up and visit his parents for a few days if you wanted to (do you know where they live? Can you contact them easily?).

His buying rugby boots for £200 is part of his abuse. You can't afford basics and have to ask for money to buy uniform and he squanders enough dosh to get uniform for 4 children on a pair of boots for 1.... rubbing your nose in the freedom he won't let you have. If you'd had that money, you'd have spent it very differently, wouldn't you?

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 21/08/2016 15:23

I'd be off with half the value of the property, maintenance, my own job and student finance / parent learning allowance to live a life of economic freedom in your position, OP.

alphabook · 21/08/2016 15:46

I can't imagine being in a partnership when I don't know where my DH is most of the time, who he lives with when he's not with me, how much he earns and how much he has in savings. It's not about the amount of money he gives you, it's about the power imbalance in making decisions that affect the family, the control he has over your personal freedom and choice, and the lack of trust and respect he has for you.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2016 16:22

Op has gone very quiet. Are you OK ?

AskBasil · 21/08/2016 16:44

"I think the OP husband is being unfairly criticised here regarding money...
Aim your anger at the millions of deadbeat parents that gamble or drink away all their money without so much as paying a pound in maintenance or any bills etc.. Not the OP Husband who by all accounts pays and provides for his family, imagine not ever having to worry about paying your mortgage or any bills, which is the position the OP is in."

May I translate that?

"Women! Don't complain when men are shit husbands; remember that there are even shitter ones. Be grateful that he's handing you big crumbs from his well-laden table, some men only hand their wives little crumbs, or no crumbs at all. Given that you're not entitled to sit at the table on an equal level and help yourself to the same helpings of vegetables he is, WTF are you all complaining about? This equality lark has gorn too far, pipe down little women and be grateful for what your men deign to give you."

It's a fairly loose translation, but I think it captures the sentiment.

AskBasil · 21/08/2016 16:48

Again, you notice how the people who are refusing to recognise this as financial abuse, are exhorting the OP to compare her marriage to that of other women who have worse situations than her, rather than comparing her marriage to that of her DH, who is very much richer than her.

It is not appropriate. To gauge whether the DH is unreasonable or not, the OP needs to compare her standard of living with his, not with that of other women.

Katherine2626 · 21/08/2016 17:25

I can't understand how he got your name off a joint account - if he did that without your consent/signature then you must contact the banking ombudsman as the bank have been party to fraud. If you agreed at the time...not a lot of point in complaining now if you don't like it. I would be deeply suspicious if my OH suddenly wanted me to lose any control over our money. Did you not ask why he wanted to do this, and what did he say when you pointed out that with limited money you had done your best? I can only say good luck with this.

gribak · 21/08/2016 17:32

Do whatever you can to somehow get a viable career on track for yourself - even if it is 1 or 2 days a week, or studying something new which will lead to a career in the future. Then, when your kids are much older, you have a career to go back to for yourself - so that you can always support yourself at a later stage in life. Otherwise he will always hold the control and purse strings and you will always feel like you have to go to him cap in hand.

gingerfinn · 21/08/2016 17:33

My partner is similar. He says the money he earns is ours, but hoards most of it away in his own accounts and drip feeds money for household bills into our joint account. We've had so many arguments over it. I supported him the first 5 years of our relationship and I find it very hard to accept that I now have to ask every time I need money for something other than day to day bills. I agreed to stay home with our dd but I expected our finances to be managed as a partnership. This is what your husband is not doing, ie working with you in a partnership. He is being controlling but if he's anything like my fella he will never admit that. When my daughter is older I fully intend to get my financial independence back and I hope you do too.

BabyGanoush · 21/08/2016 17:37

Gingerfinn, hope you are married, as otherwise you'd be left with nothing in the event of a split Shock

NameChange30 · 21/08/2016 17:41

gingerfinn Please don't wait until your daughter is older Sad Please talk to CAB and/or Women's Aid for advice, even if you don't act on it just yet - it would surely help to know what your options are.

amispeakingenglish · 21/08/2016 17:41

for those of us who have NEVER had any help and have spent everthing, pension pot, savings, inheritances, all on bringing up the kids and will never now be able to retire and at present have £4.00 (four) a month left for food, petrol, all insurances, clothes, after paying the bills and council tax of £80.00 a month on an income of £280 a month, you are one lucky cow! I can see where you are coming from, but I would swop with you straight away. When I was 30 I was totally sorted for a retirement between 55 and 60. Now my state pension age is 66 and all my assets gone. My mistake was picking a totally useless man as father, one with no sense of responsibility or idea of what it means to be a father or partner.
So it all depends on what position you look at this from, you have the luxury of deciding whether you want to live like this or not, WOW. O whether you are in a financially abusive situation. O please!!!!!

On the other hand you could squirrel money away, like I understand, women used to do in the old days when we couldn't work, or rather the better off didn't work as working class and the poor have always worked.

NameChange30 · 21/08/2016 17:43

Christ there are some clueless idiots posting on this thread. And that's putting it mildly.

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2016 17:45

I hope you're married too, gingerfinn.

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2016 17:46

No kidding, AnotherEmma. Unbelievable.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2016 17:47

Agreed, Emma

Op is a "lucky cow" ?

There is no answer to stupidity like that.

mummylove2monsters · 21/08/2016 18:03

Just the same situation as me - my money got his business started and I had finished paying for my house when I gave him money to start his business- forward 14 years and 4 children- he gives me an allowance but has control so looks the best parent when the children want something 😡 He says I use him for a meal ticket ( he forgets he met me with a fully paid for house and the money to start his business)
Control freaks !

mummylove2monsters · 21/08/2016 18:05

Also I was main earner till our first child was born X

AskBasil · 21/08/2016 18:06

A lucky cow in comparison to whom?

Her husband?

I don't think so

AskBasil · 21/08/2016 18:08

Your DH sounds like a fucking total arse, Mummyto2.

I'd be planning my exit strategy from that relationship if I were you.

AskBasil · 21/08/2016 18:08

Sorry I mean Mummylove2monsters

Ollycat · 21/08/2016 18:12

Why are you claiming child benefit? His income is way over the threshold?!

NameChange30 · 21/08/2016 18:15

Given his financial abuse she needs every penny of that child benefit!

Anyway, he's the one who has to pay it back when he does his tax return.

AskBasil · 21/08/2016 18:16

He'll probably take it off the £300 he pays into her account. Hmm