Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

I would suspect that at least some of those rationalising it are doing so because they have been similarly financially abused by a prior/current DP, and accepting that the OP has been taken for a complete and utter cretin by her "D"H would mean accepting that they have been too.

He earns £2-3k a week and expects his wife to feed, clothe and provide for 3 kids on a day to day basis, as well as herself on £300 a month plus tax credits.

Actually £300 a month plus her own earnings, no tax credits, making a total of £700 for food and clothes only. He's paying for everything else, if I remember correctly.

I've been a contractor all my life, I've always assumed the current contract might be the last earnings I ever have. So if I earned 3K in a month, I didn't think of it as 3K I could spend this month, I thought of it as 3K that needed to be spread over the next 40 years of my life, except to the extent that some of it had to immediately go on unavoidable expenses.

Until the house was paid off and every meal, utility bill and item of clothing I might need for the rest of my life was paid for, I did not regard myself as having spare money to blow on luxuries. (I did spend a bit on holidays though, and quite a lot more than the minimum on having a home I liked.)

But you don't know that he is living on a tight budget Bumbledumb.

OP said he "rarely spends money on himself"

Would insurance pay out if his contract ended and he could not find another one for a number of months?

Did you keep it all secret from your partner and make them go cap in hand to you to get basic necessities like uniforms and haircuts, Theoretician?

Why the fuck are people so willing to bend over backwards to pretend that abuse staring them in the face, isn't abuse?

You may not think keeping total control of family money and keeping it secret is abuse, but the law does. So do agencies which work with abused women. So do those which work with abuse perpetrators.

What is it you people who don't consider this abuse, know, which experts who work with abuse victims and perpetrators and legal experts who draft up the law, don't?

The mental gymnastics that are involved to see this as anything other than financial abuse is staggering.

He earns a fortune
She doesn't know where he lives
She can't afford a hair cut
He has £40k in the bank.

She is being financially abused. he is not lovely, he is not bad at communication - this has been planned by him and he is probably enjoying it.

The mental gymnastics that are involved to see this as anything other than financial abuse is staggering.

He earns a fortune
People who live hand-to-mouth from salary or benefits tend to assume there should be some sort of relationship between earnings and spending. There are other ways to look at it.
She doesn't know where he lives
I may have missed something, but I think she's never asked, so irrelevant.
She can't afford a hair cut
Insufficient information to know whether her £700 a month should be enough to cover this or not.
He has £40k in the bank
Irrelevant. If he has less than 300K invested plus a paid-off house, he doesn't have enough to cover his future bills. (300K is minimal, 500K would be more reasonable.)

Stop playing devil's advocate like a typical man pleaser or MRA, Theoretician.

Families cannot live without spending some money beyond the basics. The OP gets less from her husband than if she were to become single and live off full benefits. I assume you'd prefer her to do that rather than her husband treat her and the children fairly within the family.

Hang on, why the fuck should she have to ask where her husband is living when he's not at home?

And reasonable person would say "right, this is the address of my flat"

Any time either of us goes away on business, we make a habit of making sure the one at home has the name and address of wherever we are staying.

And if it's money he want to save for a rainy day, or just in case work slows/dries up, then why isn't the majority of it in a savings account?

I'm fairly astonished at the level some posters are going to to establish whether the OP deserves to be controlled ('she didn't handle the finances well') or whether her pocket money is enough to live on.

Her husband has taken a solo decision to control all of the finances. He gets to make decisions, she doesn't. This is abuse. Shame on anyone who parrots his line that the OP deserves it because she 'can't be trusted'.

Is he more likely to be generous if you've behaved the way he wants, OP? Less generous if you haven't? That's control.

Arkham
Did you see the OP's post when she said it's easier to get money out of him after they've had sex

Ark the OP has said that she knows that the best time to request extra money is after sex

I think the OP husband is being unfairly criticised here regarding money, ok the not knowing address thing is a bit strange, but financially he is providing for the OP and kids ( £200 rugby boots.! )
Aim your anger at the millions of deadbeat parents that gamble or drink away all their money without so much as paying a pound in maintenance or any bills etc.. Not the OP Husband who by all accounts pays and provides for his family, imagine not ever having to worry about paying your mortgage or any bills, which is the position the OP is in.

I saw that

It's not a joke if it's true, is it? And if her children needed school uniforms (or if she wants to dye her hair) and she didn't feel like sex, what would she do?

That's the point of financial abuse though, isn't it? You do what he says or you and your children go without. He's only 'generous' because he has the ability not to be, so you're grateful.

It's awful, OP and you don't deserve it.

He is hiding money from his wife and she can't buy her children the things they need. She must wait for one of his rare visits "home" so he can be the big man with the cash.

He's a nasty, dishonest fucker.

Blacksabath

We are not still in the1800s, the marriage should be an equal partnership & the OP should not have to go cap in hand to her DH for every extra she needs to buy

She us an adult & he is treating her like an untrustworthy child!!

If that's your idea of providing for a family & being a good husband, you really need to wake up - this does constitute financial abuse - my own DH was outraged when I showed him this & he can be a tight arsed git at times

You're in a relationship! It's not his money it's both of yours! Financially abusive! I wouldn't put up with it!!

Would insurance pay out if his contract ended and he could not find another one?

You're asking this on the thread of a wife who doesn't know how much her husband earns, what he does to earn it, where he lives and who with, or what he does with his time. She has no access to their bank accounts. She's in the dark about their savings, investments and obligations, outside of household bills - on her house only; not his.

I hardly think she's aware of their insurance cover.

This must all be weird & shocking to read, vino. Hope you've talked to someone in real life - a trustworthy friend or Women's Aid, perhaps. Please remember to take decent care of yourself: eat & drink, sleep, etc.

Coming back to a PP's astute comment that you're more of a mistress than a partner, vino - there isn't anything wrong with choosing this if it's an independent choice. Wise mistresses ensure, first of all, that they own their home personally. They put provisions in place for their children's education. They have pensions, insurances and pensions set up.

Currently you're on the back foot compared to a savvy mistress, because of the ignorance in which you are kept. But you've got the advantages of marriage, which mean you own "jointly & severally" everything your husband owns. Having children means you have greater rights to your home than he does - almost 100% if he does, in fact, have a decent home elsewhere.

You have got choices. You could, for instance, go for a "mistress package" with the help of a good solicitor. You could tell him it's this or divorce, and let him choose. You will need the very good solicitor either way. And you'll also need more information about him before you even start.

How are you feeling?

pensions, insurances and pensions was meant to say 'and investments'.

Back the "position" that op is in is that if her husband were to decide to just stop paying the mortgage and bills she and her kids would be on the streets with frightening speed.

She has no access to money. She doesn't even know where lives. She could be one blow job away from ruin.

Is that a good "position" to be in ?

Where he lives

I'd put money on him having a second family.

No way would I put up
With this.
We are joint everything. My DH earns a lot, I earn a little but we are a team.
I refuse to "ask" for money

I'd put money on them being The second family, since he seems to spend more money, time and energy wherever he is.

Can someone lend you some money for a PI? I'm not joking...