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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

631 replies

vinocola · 20/08/2016 18:28

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
CharlieSierra · 21/08/2016 10:40

This is all a bit of a drip feed isn't it understatement of the year

When he took the new high paid job didn't you discuss the pros and cons in terms of living away, where he would live, how much that would cost and the impact on the higher earnings...............you know, all of the stuff that married people talk about to help them make significant decisions which will affect the whole family?

BustingOut · 21/08/2016 10:59

Think it's time for a hard conversation op. How on earth do you not know where your dh lives? I'm sorry but maybe he is so nice to you when he sees you is because he is feeling guilty? I hope this isn't the case but I think you need to, at least, prepare yourself for bad news Flowers

AskBasil · 21/08/2016 11:03

The OP's DH is not being treated like he's a murderer, Backstabbath, he's not being treated like anything because he's not here.

He's being referred to as a financial abuser, because what he is doing is a classic textbook case of financial abuse.

HTH

ElspethFlashman · 21/08/2016 11:04

This is bananas. How do you willingly go from being a high earner to effectively being your husband's au pair?

How do you not know the address of where he lives 80% (at least) of the time?

Is this real???

dietstartstmoz · 21/08/2016 11:06

Hope you got some sleep OP.
As others have said where do his bank statements go?
If they go to your addres i would start to get copies and also of any tax returns as proof of income incase you need it.
When you say he is at home the odd day do you mean weekly, monthly?
What about bank holidays, xmas, easter?where is he then?
And as others have said he is giving you a measly amount to live on. Could you say the school need his details for contacts ? Or could you go to the area where he lives, and call him and try to arrange to go to his flat?
Say you turned up to see him as a surprise and see what his reaction is?

HerdsOfWilderbeest · 21/08/2016 11:07

Hope you're ok, OP.

Loads of women have been through this before.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2016 11:10

Really vino you need to sit down with him and have a frank conversation, give him rules that you would like: being put back on the joint account, details of this other flat, etc, big spends are run by you as well etc, if he does not agree, its bye bye. You cannot go on like this, it is unequal and unfair on you, you living like a pauper (cannot afford to dye your hair), whilst he can lavish his money how he wants, it is control and to keep you where he wants you. You need to be assertive, call him up, and tell him that he is to transfer X amount in your bank asap for uniform and spending as you have no money.

NameChange30 · 21/08/2016 11:13

Oh it's so simple isn't it, with this silly abusive men, all the women need to do is "be assertive" and give them a list of "rules", that will fix it all Hmm

NameChange30 · 21/08/2016 11:14

these silly abusive men
(not this)

AskBasil · 21/08/2016 11:21

Do not have a frank conversation with him until you have protected yourself.

He's not being frank with you.

At the moment if you tip him off that you want his control of money to stop, he has the chance to hide everything from you - see this thread here. mn cms thread

Don't give him the chance. Frankness is only advisable, when you can have an informed conversation with him. That means finding out exactly what your financial position as a family is.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2016 11:26

Another Emma thanks for the sarcasm, I am not saying that it will fix it all, first sit down and have a frank discussion, if he is not playing ball, yes of course she should leave him. That is what I have said, perhaps she should go to CAB and Woman's Aid for advice.

HerdsOfWilderbeest · 21/08/2016 11:26

Spot on AskBasil

NameChange30 · 21/08/2016 11:29

Don't you think she's already tried talking to him? What about the time they talked, he told her to sign a document agreeing to remove herself from the joint account, and she did it because she felt she had to? That went well didn't it Hmm

I think she needs to think very carefully before she talks to him. If he is emotionally abusive as well as financially abusive (which is very likely) I think she needs to get advice from Women's Aid first.

Sorry to talk about you, not to you, OP! Hope you're doing ok. I imagine all these replies are a lot to take in.

GabsAlot · 21/08/2016 11:33

so sorry for you op

black hes not a murderer no but who doesnt tell their oh where they are living and with whom most of the time?

my dh and i got into some ba debt a few years ago couldnt cope got an iva budgeted hard-it was both our faults

we still have a joint account i still can take whatever i want we're much better without credit and i sort out all the bills

it wasnt a case of blame it was working together tosort it out not taking away something like youre a child

i hope it all works out op and u get some answers

NameChange30 · 21/08/2016 11:38

Incidentally. When you accuse people of "treating him like a murderer" you have perhaps conveniently forgotten the fact that abusive men do murder their partners. Two women are murdered every week.

Obviously there are many more abusive men who don't murder their partners. There are many abusive men who don't even physically abuse their partners. They "just" abuse them emotionally, verbally, psychologically, financially.

But let's not minimise abuse, please.

NameChange30 · 21/08/2016 11:39

(Last post was in response to Blacksabbath's murder comment)

LyndaNotLinda · 21/08/2016 12:00

vino - I would urge you to listen to the people who are advising you to do your research before talking to him. Where is this flat? Who is his flatmate? How much is he earning?

I am self-employed and it is very easy to hide money from spouses if you're that way inclined.

He is keeping you and your children in (relative) poverty. You shouldn't be eking out your finances - he earns enough to allow you all to live comfortably. He is absolutely financially abusive.

Backstabbath · 21/08/2016 12:04

Relative poverty.!! Did you really just say that.

AskBasil · 21/08/2016 12:08

It is relative poverty.

The OP and her children are poor, relative to her DH.

That is not the idea of marriage.

CecilyP · 21/08/2016 12:13

Agree with Lynda. The money thing is bad enough, but worse that he has a whole other life that does not involve you. What kind of husband would have another home and not tell you the address. Certainly not a lovely one, but one with something to hide. I am surprised at the extent you could have seen this as normal. Definitely time to find out as much information as possible now.

madgingermunchkin · 21/08/2016 12:13

He earns £2-3k a week and expects his wife to feed, clothe and provide for 3 kids on a day to day basis, as well as herself on £300 a month plus tax credits.

Yes, that absolutely is relative poverty.

Bumbledumb · 21/08/2016 12:19

I do agree that DH needs to be far more transparent with regards to the finances. It really is not right to be keeping it concealed.

The OP said that he has £40,000 in the bank, but she does not know how much of that is owed in tax, and while working as a consultant pays very well, you really have to be prepared for times when there are no suitable contracts or you have to take off time sick. That money will be needed if he has to spend 6 months to a year off work. I think it is really sensible to be living on a tight budget until you have that buffer.

I do think that OP should be involved in these decisions, but I don't agree that what he is doing is necessarily abusive.

LyndaNotLinda · 21/08/2016 12:25

But you don't know that he is living on a tight budget Bumbledumb. He may be living the highlife on the rest of his income. Why would you assume that the £40k is for tax? That would be in the business's account - not his own personal one.

And any person who is self-employed and doesn't have cover in case they are too ill to work, particularly if they have a family, is a fool.

Once again, why are people trying to rationalise the behaviour of a man who is clearly financial abusive?

BitOutOfPractice · 21/08/2016 12:33

A woman who is kept so short of money that she cannot afford to book a hairdressers' appointment when her husband has £40k in the bank, and who has no access to or control of to family money whatsoever is being financially abused. I do not know how much clearer that can be

MaddyHatter · 21/08/2016 12:33

trying to see it in a positive light (if you can)

IF what he's doing is above board, he should be prepared to tell you everything...

You could tell him the £300 is no longer enough and you need the monthly 'allowance' to increase.. personally as it has to cover the groceries as well as everything else for you and the kids, i'd be telling him it needs to double.

That being said, i think he's taking you for a mug and he IS being financially abusive, at the very minimum.