Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

I don't think he can remove your name from a joint account without you agreeing in writing. Suggest you go and see the bank and take I'd with your day find out what his been doing. It all sounds a bit dodgy. Your not seeing what his spending money on. Or you sit down and discuss how it is making you feel.

I really hope he doesn't have another family or wife :(.

I really hope you can get your hands on that joint money that you have enabled him to earn (by looking after the kids).

Hope you're okay.

Pumpkin, she says she did sign the forms, though now regrets it.

But she hasn't been bad with money in the past.

There has been less of it because she didn't earn as much as he earns now, but she didn't manage it badly.

Protect yourself OP. Don't have a showdown until you know exactly where his flat is and where all the money is. Open bank statements. Make copies of financial info. He's up to no good, even if it's not an affair. How can you be in a situation where you regularly don't know where he is when he's not with you? That's not normal (unless your DH is an undercover agent).

I might still go and speak to someone at the bank, though wouldn't hold my breath that they would tell me anything much. Just as part of the digging, and on the off chance he might not have handed the forms in (probably did though).

At least if he does have another woman/family OP can take him to the fucking cleaners

Sorry, I know I'm not helping. I'll see myself out.

I'm going to bed now - thank you everyone for your responses to my thread. I'm going to read through it all again in the morning with a clear head and decide what I need to do

Remember you have a whole community of support here if you need it.

I am new here but this is the precise same reason why I am new here, and why we're (not husband of course) staying with a friend whilst I try desperately sort everything out. Your post and then the ones after make me want to cry. They are so similar to my situation, except mine had a breaking point when I found out he was abusing our cild. That was my snappping point, but I realiae now that long long before that he was being abusive, but it was always 'for my own good'... Like a fist in a velvet glove I only now realise.

You can't live like this, and you don't actually even know how HE is living do you? I also doubt the middle aged flat mate, and a heap else besides. Please stay cool and gather your thoughts and paperwork. It is obscene that he is living off of your hours as a dinner lady, maintenance paid by another man, and money paid by the state but all the while earning so much more than most people. And whilst going cap in hand to askk for 'extras'.

Please carefully dig, and don't stop until you know everything, though be prepaared for 'everything' being much worse than 'just' the extreme finanical abuse you describe above. We all live and learn, but I wish I knew then what I now know about finanial and emotional abuse baack then.

Good luck hun x

You really should have the address for his flat & it is worrying that you don't. My DP worked away for a good few years but I always knew where he was & would go & stay with the DC every school holiday. You need this info for a safety point of view at least. Money issue aside you need this information immediately.

OP

Ask yourself honestly

• What would his reaction be if you asked for an increase on what he gives you a month.
• How is your DC lifestyle normally on this amount, are you happy with it?
• Does he respect you generally? Value your opinions, talk to you as an intelligent human being?

Ask to see his account statements for the past six months. If he has nothing to hide and isn't abusive he will let you see them. As a married couple who are therefore financially tied you have a right to see exactly how the financial state of the household is.

Before you go in all guns blazing, prepare. Take copies of anything that may be useful if you ever separate. Any pension statements, bank statements, tax documents etc. And stash them. This will be you taking back control, you are not definitely separating, but there is no harm in having a back up plan.

I would also have an account somewhere, where you try and squirrel away whatever you can, just in case. It wont hurt for you to know, if you ever need it, you have a small fund somewhere you can access. Because on the basis of what you are saying, this doesn't feel right.

I am a firm believer in women having in built bull shit alarms. Sometimes we don't hear them, or they are a bit off, but whenever something isn't right, our instinct tells us so. What is that feeling in your gut telling you? Listen to it. You need to be more assertive, on no planet should you be feeling like you have to go cap in hand to him for you to have your hair done. This is joint money, he wouldn't be earning, or having access to so much if you didn't look after his children. You have every right to access to it. Keep repeating this.

Saying that, where does his financial post go to, your home or his flat? That will speak volumes if it is the flat. Do you know his friends, could you name the people he works with? Who does he spend time with after work? Would they recognise you or have heard of you if you met them?

Your children will be watching your relationship very carefully and will grow up thinking this is normal. Honestly ask yourself, if this was your DD telling you this, in years to come would you be happy to know someone was treating her this way? Making her feel this way? What would you say to her?

FWIW you raise three kids alone already, whatever happens, you know you can do it, as you already are. If you don't stand up for yourself no one else will.

What an absolute arse, I am so cross on your behalf, what century does he actually think you live in

Sorry, but I agree, this is controlling behaviour & financial abuse - I would kick his backside into next week & never look back

Does he keep any paperwork at your house? Or bank statements? Look through any files he has and make copies of any statements and bank account info he has. You will need this info if anything happens.

So you have 700 a month...for groceries , petrol, pocket money, entertainment, dinner money and bus fares

I can't see what's wrong with that.

It seems like plenty.

Do you know if your DH has a retirement plan? Do you know about any investments he's making? Savings?

It's not plenty compared to what he's got.

It would be plenty if he had the same for the same sorts of stuff.

Women should not compare their income and assets to those of their friends, but to those of their husbands.

When you compare what the OP has per month with what her husband has per month, it is found wanting.

Because both partners in a marriage, are supposed to have the same standard of living. "For richer for poorer", remember?

Otherwise it's not a marriage, it's a house-share with sex and shared domestic tasks.

Basil but what is he doing with it? Is it in savings?

Im willing to bet he spent a lot more than £300 a month on his cannabis addiction.

The very fact that the OP doesn't know, is a real problem.

If it were savings it wouldn't be so bad, but she'd still have the right to know about them and have a say in what percentage of their joint income, should go into savings and what percentage could be used for running costs now.

I personally couldn't live like this either. Would make me feel like I was a 'kept woman'
Mine is a little like this. He begrudges buying dog food for gods sake.

He used to think he could just go out and leave me 5 or 10 pound each morning as my 'allowance' for the day. Failing to remember my money paid all bills and his was purely for food then money to spend.
Don't stand for it! Noone should be treated like this.

Call his bluff and demand to be back on the joint account, demand yourself as an equal.

So he's earning approx 100k a year and you're working as a lollipop lady to bring in extra cash?

Really worrying you have no contact address for him - what if there was a serious accident of the knocl on the door not call kind?

Do you have a landline no for the house? How often does he call when he's away?

Would def be concerned there's someone else involved, sorry OP

Something doesn't add up. Whenever my sons or husband go away they send me photos of where they are and what they're doing. While I'm sure OP's husband seems very busy, its odd that OP doesn't even have a postal address. What would happen if he was taken ill? In sickness and health? Is the generous salary worth all the time away from home? My husband even refuses to go away on holiday without me when his friends invite him and I like it that way. Is there any possibility that he's gay? Or has a second life? Is there any possibility that his generosity with money when he's there is a form of control over you and perhaps a measure of him feeling guilty? How much do you know about his life when he's away? Does he tell you what he's had for dinner and if he's cooked it, for example? Little details about his day? Do you share a life even though you live separately. I really hope for your sake OP that he's not gay or in a relationship with another woman, that there is a reasonable explation for all of this!

I meant explanation! ^

Op my husband did this for years as soon as i stopped working. Like you, he did put an allowance into my account. But he made all the decisions. In the last year he started therapy and i now have access to his account with a joint credit card. I never realised it was financial abuse. I know i hated feeling like it was his money, he was the boss and if i wasnt good with money i had to ask for more (and wait ages for it too). I felt like a kid. Now things have changed i feel like an equal

You can't trust him.

You don't even know him any more.

Does his post (bank statements, letters from HMRC, mortgage statements) even come to your home address?

I know how to steam open envelopes and seal them again so no one can tell they have been opened. Just saying.