Furious with teacher!

[Pilesofironing]

DH and I both missed calls from the school while at work today. They had tried to reach us after school ended. DH was left a message which was from the Deputy Head explaining that DS had been given into "a tiny bit of trouble " and had become really upset, disproportionately so. He was letting us know as he thinks DS may be a worrier and my be subdued over the weekend. He suggested that we don't question him about it in case it makes him more upset.
Of course I questioned DS. He is 10, and yes, he is a worrier.
So this is what had happened....
During a Drama lesson the class were asked to take it in turns to go up to another member of the class and say " I love you ". They were instructed that they must choose a member of the opposite sex. So far so cringey for the average adult never mind 10yo. So my DS, who does have a very advanced vocabulary, said "Of course. None of us are lesbians!" I am actually impressed that he has an idea of what the word means. The class teacher wasn't impressed. He told DS that he was being inappropriate and sent him out of the class! DS is a stickler for rules and has never been in trouble at school. He was sobbing, couldn't eat lunch. In fact he was inconsolable. He must have been so confused about what he had done wrong.
So I am furious! Planning to call the school on Monday and raise concerns about the actions of the class teacher. I feel that his homophobia is far more inappropriate than the use of the word lesbians by a 10yo in a reasonable context. AIBU??

Oh my! I was the most sensitive child ever. I was sauced once off my teacher for forgetting my reading book two days in a row, I hid underneath my desk and sobbed like a baby, I remember it so clearly. I'm now a calm, level headed person who can hold my own. I just took a little longer to learn how to control my emotions and I suspect your son is the same. As for his outburst, I'd wait to hear what is said on Monday. He's probably just got giddy in what sounds like a very odd drama lesson.

FWIW if I found out any of my children had been inconsolable at school, where they are supposed to feel loved and safe I too would feel furious initially. I couldn't bare the thought of them being so upset. But now you've calmed down I'm sure you'll make a rational approach to the school. I think your initial reaction was normal

I think there maybe a bit of over thinking here. But I can understand - it's the weekend and you can't get to the bottom of it till Monday. The game is a light hearted one - generally kids love it (I've taught secondary drama for 21 years but I know colleagues who have done it with primary age). The comment made was a silly one but not a big deal. The child I presume has never been sent out before so sees it as a big deal and therefore is understandably upset. I don't think the child is particularly naughty here, just a bit silly. The teacher probably wanted to shut it down and therefore sent him out but didn't expect to cause so much distress. Speaking now as a ex Senior Pastoral tutor, I'd wait to hear what the school say to put it in context. I've dealt with many parents who have ended up red faced by not hearing the context first. It goes without saying though I'd speak to my child in a non judgemental, unbiased way. He's been punished once and sounds as though he wishes he hadn't said it. I wouldn't worry too much about it as I think the school seem more concerned that the child was distressed by it and didn't need to be. But I don't find that weird like a few suggestions- in my experience, some children who are usually v good will get v upset by the simplest of reprimands.

What's the point of this game again? This particular one where 10 year olds have to go up and say I love you, which to children that age would connote romance--out of all possible drama games why pick an age inappropriate game like this in the first place? Perhaps the teacher should have been sent out?

For older kids, but 10 year olds? Children that age, and I have one, would be mortified to be forced to do that. I think it's strange that several have said how common a game it is for little kids, my child is in acting and has never come across it. It's not appropriate in my opinion.

LittleBeautyBelle
What's the point of this game again?

Its up thread go read it.

This particular one where 10 year olds have to go up and say I love you, which to children that age would connote romance--out of all possible drama games why pick an age inappropriate game like this in the first place?

Others have said that its not age inappropriate.

Perhaps the teacher should have been sent out?

And the reward for most stupid comment goes too?

Belle I agree. Totally age inappropriate. Thought struggling to think which age group the 'game' is appropriate for!

In my dd's school kids of 10 and 11 are boyfriend/girlfriend sometimes. Some boys try telling the girl not to speak to others at break. Somr call girls whores. One boy went around telling girls he was going to rape them. One boy said such utterly inappropriate things to a girl that I am not going to repeat them here.

Why should young girls be told to tell a random boy they love him, or vice versa. Maybe this game should be banned.

FFS, it's a drama game. It is perfectly appropriate and does not cause endless embarrassment. Players have to say "I love you" and the other person (when I play it anyway) is supposed to maintain a straight face and respond "I love you too but I just can't smile" If they can do so without smiling, they win the round. It is no more inappropriate than the game where one person has to repond with a chosen word (sausages, for example, or bananas) to a number of questions, without laughing - so "what did you have for breakfast?" "Sausages" "Who's your best friend?" "Sausages" "What do you have in your school bag?" "Sausages"

Some posters on this thread need to get a grip. Ban the game? FFS.

Is there really no difference between the word 'sausages' and the phrase 'Ilove you'? Maybe not in a game you choose to play for fun.

This sounds a great game for people to choose to play.

It is quite a shame that despite several posters saying they think their kids would find it embarrassing, that is either not believed or of little importance.

But anyway, it is possible to agree to differ.

And for some to feel it is not age appropriate and others to think it is. You won't force some of us to approve of a 'game' for ten year olds.

I think I will stop posting here now.

All the best OP.

Italiangreyhound

there are many things in school that children find embarrassing, should we ban them all?

What about the child that is embarrassed when playing sport?
Or cooking?
Or painting?
Or science practicals?

Ps Evil I am talking about the drama the OP has posted about, pairing up boy and girl to say 'I love you'. I don't know about the game you are talking about and those elements you describe were not mentioned by the OP.

By banning I don't mean legally banning, it's a turn of phrase. I maybe hoped if teachers knew shy kids or other kids felt uncomfortable saying 'I love you' to a member of the opposite sex then teachers might choose not to use that game.

If this has happened as the OP says it has happened both her son and the teacher have over-reacted.
A simple "That is enough. Let's talk about what you said at the end of the lesson" should have been enough and the lesson continued. She sent a child out of a class and thus was not being taught for passing comment and also drew more attention to what he said.
Inappropriate it is but as teachers, we would be classless if we sent out every child who passed comment that was inappropriate. He wasn't being direct in the sense that a child or adult was being called a lesbian and out of spite.
10 year olds can forget an awful lot scratch that, they DO forget an awful lot! so bringing up the subject with the school would probably not be the best idea. Maybe your son has learnt his lesson that he needs to 'engage brain before operating mouth' in future. If something like this happens again, then I would be having a discussion with the school. But a one-off situation like this should be be filed but not forgotten.

Boney some people on this thread seem very angry that anyone should question what is done in school. I find this sad. Some of the language is very cross!

To be open I hated school. I think things have changed a lot and I respect teachers who do a good job. I am sure it is a very, very hard job. I am supportive of my kids'school. But I do feel embarrassing kids is unnecessary. And the drama activity the OP mentioned sounds unnecessarily embarrassing.

No I do not think we should ban everything. Ban was a turn of phrase.

But I genuinely shocked that concerns raised are dismissed so easily.

Should children be forced to do things they find embarrassing? I am not sure. I can see that sometimes there might be areas where an activity could be made easier or better for a child who has an issue with it. Maybe that could be tried.

Maybe a teacher can say all the things you mentioned they had a child in class who had an issue with this or that. So maybe all your examples are perfectly accurate.

But the number of children who find cooking embarrassing is probably a lot fewer than those who find saying "I love you' to a member of the opposite sex, embarrassing.

And cooking is a vital skill.bestowing random comments not so much.

Yes, I said I would stop posting but you asked me a question. Boney I hope my answer makes sense.

I hated PE. I was crap at it. I found it embarrassing. I didn't like having to get changed in a communal changing room, or being paired with others to practise tackling or whatever. Kids need to learn resilience. This has been blown out of proportion by people who don't actually get what was going on. The "I love you" game is well known - it sounds like it was one game within a lesson. All we have is the OP's version of what her DS said but I would be willing to bet anything you like that it was this game. Kids are not "paired up" - it's done one at a time within the game. I have never, in 21 years of teaching drama, come across a child of any age who finds it mortifying or upsetting. My only issue with that game is that they often want to play it for far too long. What's it for? Communication, role play, focus, practising taking in turns, listening. Like a lot of drama games.

My only issue with that game is that they often want to play it for far too long. What's it for? Communication, role play, focus, practising taking in turns, listening. Like a lot of drama games. You're the voice of reason EvilTwins

Italiangreyhound

I am more than happy for parents to question my methods, it comes with the job.

But my point is that we can't stop using everything because somebody finds it embarrassing.

Yes, we can sometimes change what we do to make them less embarrassing but sometimes it is just a fact of life.

I actually hated drama, I found it embarrassing, but by the end of school I had a major part in the school play and sang several songs, not only in front of the school but in front of people at the local airport as part of the Christmas festivities. Part of school is pushing boundaries.

Boney It is good you are open but the message seems clear, pushing boundaries, being pushed into doing things you don't feel comfortable doing - makes you more confident and works out. Sorry, I know that sometimes works but it doesn't always. Maybe it builds resilience, maybe it builds resentment.

And doing unnecessary things that work for the more confident people seems to be less of a positive if it is not comfortable for others. Sports is a great example. I really wonder how many people are put off sport for life because of the way it is taught?

Anyway, feel free to PM me but I don't want to keep posting and derail the thread.

It actually makes me feel quite sad for all those who have found school really hard. But i don;t want to derail so I won't keep posting but am happy to chat off thread. All the best.

This is reminding me of a 'game' one of my Primary school teachers used to play where he would pressure the students to declare romantic sentiments to one another (think the 'oh baby oh baby oh baby' type of thing), in order to... humiliate us, I guess? It wasn't part of a Drama lesson and I don't think it taught us anything. Very... very weird.

Anyway, your son was disrupting the class and was told off for it. It happens. I don't think it's rare for children who are usually seen as the 'good egg' to have extreme reactions to being told off or getting into trouble (have seen it countless of times, sometimes by children older than 10). He'll be fine.

Just to perhaps set people's minds at rest: the game is light hearted and in context, not nearly as embarrassing as adults think it is. In my version (there are different versions) the children go up to someone of their choice in the circle and say 'I love you, I really, really love you but I just can't smile'. They are encouraged to put expression in it so many go over the top saying it and they are meant to keep in 'role' hence saying 'I just can't smile'. Usually most will laugh at this point and will be out, some will say it whilst laughing throughout and be out, some don't say any of it and will be out. But some will say the phrase without laughing and the kids love seeing those who can keep a straight face and say it. I've never met a kid who takes it too seriously as it's obviously light hearted and the words mean nothing. Sometimes the quietest kids are the best at doing it as some more extrovert students can't keep the focus. It's just an ice breaker: a game which is not taken seriously or badly by pupils. To people saying why is such a game even entertained by teachers, again, in the context of a lesson, this is one of hundreds of ice breakers a teacher might play and only lasts a few minutes.

It's just an ice breaker: a game which is not taken seriously or badly by pupils. To people saying why is such a game even entertained by teachers, again, in the context of a lesson, this is one of hundreds of ice breakers a teacher might play and only lasts a few minutes.

I'm so very glad I didn't do drama when I was at school. I would have hated all of that.

Nanny you'd be amazed at how well such things prepare young people for the real world, where sometimes you have to go out of your comfort zone. The earlier kids get used to the idea that it might be difficult but you can do it, the better.

It's the romantic phrase forced onto 10year olds that I don't like. They are ten. Plenty of time for games like that later. Boney and Evil seem to be very defensive I guess because they are teachers and are taking our concerns personally as if they themselves are being attacked. If you look at their posts, the language they use, how belligerent and hostile they are, I would not want them teaching my children. They are being obtuse on purpose, ignoring our concern that little kids should not have to be forced to say romantic type things at that age for the sake of this game. Surely other phrases might be more appropriate?

i would not want them teaching our children

Ha - second time this afternoon the "ultimate MN parent-to-teacher" comment has been thrown at me. Yes, I'm a teacher. A drama teacher. A national award-shortlisted drama teacher whose A Level results last week were 97% A* and whose GCSE & A Level results are consistently top of the county. Your DC would be lucky to have me.

Of course, evil, and they would do well to remember that the sentiment can work both ways!

LittleBeautyBelle

I would not want them teaching my children

That is a shame because I would love to teach them, take them out of their comfort zone and allow them to see there full potential, the only unfortunate part of that is that I would have to deal with you.

I am confused.

Can we only say "I love you" in a romantic sense now?

I say it to my daughter, she says it to her Dad. Plenty of people say it to their friends of both sexes.

Another drama teacher here. I play honey I love you with all age groups. It's about slf control in the face of giggles mostly and is played with lots of melodrama. They clamour for it...even the shy ones who are often amazingly good.

My call and response is "honey I love you."
"I love you too but I just can't smile"

Drama like this is make believe you know ladies. It's not real