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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Furious with teacher!

302 replies

Pilesofironing · 19/08/2016 20:49

DH and I both missed calls from the school while at work today. They had tried to reach us after school ended. DH was left a message which was from the Deputy Head explaining that DS had been given into "a tiny bit of trouble " and had become really upset, disproportionately so. He was letting us know as he thinks DS may be a worrier and my be subdued over the weekend. He suggested that we don't question him about it in case it makes him more upset.
Of course I questioned DS. He is 10, and yes, he is a worrier.
So this is what had happened....
During a Drama lesson the class were asked to take it in turns to go up to another member of the class and say " I love you ". They were instructed that they must choose a member of the opposite sex. So far so cringey for the average adult never mind 10yo. So my DS, who does have a very advanced vocabulary, said "Of course. None of us are lesbians!" I am actually impressed that he has an idea of what the word means. The class teacher wasn't impressed. He told DS that he was being inappropriate and sent him out of the class! DS is a stickler for rules and has never been in trouble at school. He was sobbing, couldn't eat lunch. In fact he was inconsolable. He must have been so confused about what he had done wrong.
So I am furious! Planning to call the school on Monday and raise concerns about the actions of the class teacher. I feel that his homophobia is far more inappropriate than the use of the word lesbians by a 10yo in a reasonable context. AIBU??

OP posts:

Eolian · 19/08/2016 21:03

Your son was unreasonable. The teacher wasn't.

pudcat · 19/08/2016 21:04

Your son should not have shouted out. You do not know what the teacher was thinking. You do not know how your son spoke the words. May be he got sent out for not knowing that lesbian refers to females only and not males. You are over reacting and should just tell your son not to shout out in lessons. And he should not understand that inappropriate behaviors has consequences,

MiniMum97 · 19/08/2016 21:05

Not sure why everyone is being so awful to you. I understand why you are upset and have raised the question.

If my son had been that upset I would want to have a discussion with the teacher to assess whether he overreacted and/or whether the "punishment" was inappropriate. Personally I can't tell from the information you have so far. If he reacted inappropriately I would want to talk to my son about that to help him not get so upset in similar situations in future and also talk to the school about how they can help him process these situations better which can only be better for everyone concerned.

Hope you get it sorted. Good luck!

ginnybag · 19/08/2016 21:05

Anyone else wondering why teacher didn't just say something like, 'of course when you grow up it'd be okay for you to say it to whoever you choose, but that's not what I asked you to do in this exercise and DS, we don't speak like that in class, do we?'

Teacher's reaction made it into something it needn't have been, and I can see why OP is naffed off that her son has been so upset. That said, a polite word about perhaps asking teacher to be aware of the implications of their lesson and a much stronger word with DS about not being rude would be better than going in all guns blazing.

HerdsOfWilderbeest · 19/08/2016 21:05

You're being ridiculous and so was he.

Funnily enough, the teacher doesn't want smart alec remarks to be made every time she gives the class a direction. If she doesn't respond to this then he will have lessons where every time the teacher gives a direction, there are 30 "just for banter" comments and nothing gets done. No, not everything is a "stop the lesson and have a discussion about it" and not every unwanted interruption should be "ignored" - especially at the start of the year when you are trying to set standards. Your son shouldn't be calling out. That's it. He wasn't asked for his opinion.

PurpleDaisies · 19/08/2016 21:06

I would like to add that if he's usually a great student and got so very upset then I think the teacher should have assessed the situation and not have been as harsh as he/she was.

Different punishments for different children leads to resentment and pupils complaining (quite rightly) about unfairness and favouritism. If it's right to send someone our, it's right to send someone out. I've been the teacher in this situation (crying, upset student after being sent out). I always spend time explaining to them that it's nothing personal, I still like them and want them to do well but it isn't fair on anyone to let people distract the lesson. Usually when I ask them what they'd expect to see happen to someone else who'd done what they did they agree it was right they went out. The next lesson starts with a completely clear slate.

Hassled · 19/08/2016 21:06

I don't really understand - the teacher assumed all the children were straight, hence saying "I love you" to the opposite sex (and yes, WTF was that all about?), and your DS was reminding the teacher that lesbians exist? Or was your DS assuming everyone was straight hence the "none of us are lesbians"? If the latter, I can see why the teacher thought it was inappropriate. If the former, I can see why you're thinking homophobia.

fruityb · 19/08/2016 21:06

sounds more like a smart Alec comment or using a word they knew may get a reaction from other pupils, knowing it would. I'd have sent them out and spoken to them if this had been in my lesson.

Calling the teacher homophobic when there is no evidence of that at all in your comment is more of a concern - labelling teachers this way is dangerous and ridiculous quite honestly.

They called to explain as they were worried he would be worried. Nothing more needs done. I would be more concerned at the fact he was disrupting lessons in this way rather than being "furious" with a teacher who sounds like they have followed procedures.

AliceInUnderpants · 19/08/2016 21:06

You seem proud of your son for supposedly understanding what a lesbian is but have made references to be in adult only, and suggested that he may think a male ("none of us") can be one

Ffion3107 · 19/08/2016 21:06

Unsure why that practice would benefit 10 year olds, did your son explain why they had to tell each other that?!
Also, I don't understand your son's comment about lesbians?!

turnipturnip · 19/08/2016 21:07

ginny bag - if the teacher reacted with an explanation for every shout out they would never teach a lesson! The children need to pipe down and listen. Regardless of the subject matter he shouted out when he shouldn't have done.

fruityb · 19/08/2016 21:08

and this exercise is one of self control - I've done it before. You do something like this to show you can control your actions. Saying I love you to someone and keeping a straight face helps with pupils acting out unfamiliar scenarios or working with others.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 19/08/2016 21:08

Am I the only one to have found the DS's response hilarious?

oh my aching sides

What a little twerp, though!

PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/08/2016 21:08

Oh get a grip. Also, lesbian isn't advanced vocabularky for a ten year old.

Cheby · 19/08/2016 21:08

Just want to say I identify with your son's reaction, or at least I would have done when younger. I had NEVER been in trouble at school. A teacher once asked me to look after a piece of equipment over the lunch break, and let me stay in the classroom with one friend to do it. She trusted me with it because I was the kind of kid who was never in trouble. Dinner lady tipped up and bollocked us for being in a classroom, gave us lunchtime detention and made us stand in the dinnehall in front of everyone. I was 8 I think.

I sobbed for 45 minutes with the utter injustice of it all. I genuinely felt like my unbroken reputation had been forever blemished and I was very upset over what my mum would say when I got home (also a teacher, set great store by good behaviour at school).

Of course the teacher came back after lunch and it was all sorted, but I remember it so clearly, multiple decades later.

So I get why he may have been upset.

Also, I sort of get your son's point. I'm assuming he was saying that they shouldn't be forced to pick a member of the opposite sex because they may not all be straight? Which seems like a reasonable point to make to me. A bit more inclusive than the teacher anyway.

PurpleDaisies · 19/08/2016 21:09

Oh dear! I have got it wrong, haven't I? I guess that was why I posted in AIBU.
I thought the teacher over reacted but I have too. Oops. Thanks

Poster told they were unreasonable accepts they were being unreasonable.

Well done for taking it with good grace op.

SolomanDaisy · 19/08/2016 21:10

I'd be concerned about why he over reacted so much to the teacher's perfectly reasonable response. Perhaps he is having feelings for boys (as many people do have same sex crushes at his age) and over reacted because of embarrassment?

Original poster

Pilesofironing · 19/08/2016 21:10

Actually no, this isn't typical behaviour for him, but he is very sensitive and usually well behaved so not used to being "bad". I will get more detail from the teacher and if an apology is necessary then it shall be made. I do think he has to learn from it and move on. As have I!

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 19/08/2016 21:10

Am I the only one who doesn't understand what the teacher was trying to do in the lesson? I know it's drama, but surely way out of the children's comfort zones?

(Oh, and the OP has admitted she is being unreasonable, btw).

jacks11 · 19/08/2016 21:10

It sounds like it wasn't the fact he used the word "lesbian' so much as the talking back to the teacher that was the issue. It does sound like he was potentially a being a bit cheeky and that was what he got into trouble with.

Before you go in all guns blazing, might be worth thinking about it and perhaps go in to speak to the teacher/deputy head with an open mind.

Farfromtheusual · 19/08/2016 21:11

If you think the teacher was being homophobic, I think you have misunderstood what the word actually means.

PurpleDaisies · 19/08/2016 21:13

soloman it's really common for kids who never get into trouble to be hugely upset when they are. It is highly unlikely to be related to anything deeper than that.

Brentlicious · 19/08/2016 21:13

Well clearly your son doesn't have a basic understanding of the meaning of the word if the class is mixed?
I find it desperately sad that you are trying to get a teacher into trouble because he reacted as any teacher would to a special snowflake trying to be clever.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/08/2016 21:14

Not quite Daisies. See that 'too' in the comment? The OP might realise she over reacted but she still thinks that the teacher did as well. Fair play to her though, most people now never back down.

PurpleDaisies · 19/08/2016 21:17

Oooh, you're right paul, I missed the "too". Still, I don't think everyone has to agree with the class teacher all the time (although I wish they did!). She's seen she was over reacting which is definitely a good thing.

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